Raising Sons: Are We Robbing Our Boys Of The Childhood That Could Make Them Thrive?

John, age 11, loved dolls and stuffed animals from when he was tiny. When his friends made fun of him after he showed them his doll collection, he suddenly became unwilling to admit that he liked them, though his mom still occasionally "catches" him playing with his dolls when he thinks nobody is looking. 

Max, age 9, was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication after he was consistently banned from enjoying recess for failure of sitting still in class. 

Peter, age 6, whose mother says he was the most gentle little boy when he was a toddler, started behaving in more stereotypically macho ways after he got into watching cartoons in which male characters behaved in the same manner. 

Dimitry, age 17, whose father is often on the road, has come to believe that it is his responsibility to discipline his younger brothers when they don't do their homework, their chores, or get bad grades. His mother reports that she's seen him grab them violently and threaten to beat them up if they don't listen. He sees this as his responsibility. Taller and stronger than his mother, she's afraid to intervene. 

Names have been changed to protect the boys' privacy, but the ages haven't and the stories were all shared by people I know personally. These stories highlight just a small portion of the issues facing our sons today. Back in the 1990s, a team of psychologists delved more deeply into the challenges of growing up a boy in the modern world. 

How Our Society Is Shortchanging Boys

Their findings were sad, but not, for those of us raising sons, unexpected. Boys, the team said, face a hostile school environment not designed for them — male kids are often slower to become competent readers, and crave physical activity more. Teachers were found to mete out harsher punishments to boys too. Max's example is a good one: by getting up in class and twitching on his chair, he demonstrated a need for physical activity. Instead of having that need met, it was curtailed even further by removing his access to recess.

Boys are consistently expected, by almost everyone around them, to act "tough". Then, the research team concluded, when they live up to societal expectations, they're criticized for "being insensitive". By looking towards the hyper-masculine "role models" presented in the media, boys are further taught to hide behind a mask of caricatured masculinity. 

This problem has been noticed by enough people that there's a whole genre of books covering it now, books such as Richard Whitmire's Why Boys Fail and Michael Gurian's The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and in Life. Parents of sons turn to such books for a multitude of reasons:

• In the majority of schools, it's boys who get most of the Ds and Fs. 
• Boys are four times more likely to be diagnosed with, and medicated for, ADHD. 
• Ninety percent of all discipline issues in schools are with boys.
• Seventy-five percent of those diagnosed with learning disabilities are boys.
• Boys make up 71 percent of school suspensions.
• Boys represent 85 percent of high-school drop-outs, and less than 45 percent of college students.

Is there something wrong with boys then? Or is there, perhaps, something wrong with the way in which we are raising and educating them, as a society?  

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While we've made huge strides in the fight for gender equality, we have to admit that being equal doesn't necessarily mean being the same. There is evidence, for instance, that boys have less oxytocin and serotonin than girls, something that makes them more physically impulsive on average. The brain activity of boys is more compartmentalized than that of girls, making them more likely to struggle with multitasking and quick transitioning from one activity to another. Their attention spans are less developed during early elementary age, and reading often takes longer to "click" for them.

What Can We Do To Help Our Sons Succeed, Then?

If society is failing our sons, what can be done to turn the tide? Plenty. While much of what can be done depends on public policy rather than parents, parents too can make a big difference. 

Let Boys Be Active

Boys, and any child who displays a craving for physical activity, can benefit from a teaching style that incorporates the physical — well beyond Kindergarten. As a homeschool parent, I've noticed that lessons proceed much more smoothly if I incorporate exactly this physical side.

Likewise, allowing kids to get up and stretch their legs periodically can increase their concentration afterwards. In a public school setting, that recess we talked about is of crucial importance. Not only is punishing kids for fidgeting in class by removing their access to recess and instead forcing them to sit down some more not unheard of, some schools are even eliminating recess altogether, including practicing notorious "silent lunches". This may seem to help teachers manage kids more easily in the short-term, but what effect does it have in the long term?

Capitalizing On Their Natural Interests

One powerful way to help the delayed reading skills and lack of focus we discussed earlier is to capitalize on boys' natural interests — something that helps girls as well of course, because nobody likes to be bored. If adventure novels get your son going, use those to help him develop a love of reading. If he likes Minecraft, there are plenty of free worksheets on the internet that help him master spelling using themes from this game. 

Solution-Based Talking

My daughter is actually more reluctant to talk about her feelings than her brother is, but there's no denying the fact that boys are frequently much less encouraged to talk about their emotions than girls are — unless the emotion in question is anger, of course. Even if your family is a zone free of gender stereotypes, your son will indeed pick this society-wide tendency up elsewhere. Why not try luring your son into a conversation about feelings by simply stating that you've noticed he's upset or angry and noting that you're there to help if he needs it?

Try to get your son to think in an empathetic manner by asking him how he thinks other parties might interpret whatever's going on, too. These are skills that are not encouraged enough among males, and teaching your son how important empathy is will serve him well for the rest of his life.

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While we're on the topic of talking, both positive male role models and parents can do a lot to dispel the idea that macho behavior is the only way to be a man — by actively discussing it. Younger boys are more adult-oriented than older boys, so early elementary is the stage at which you can get the point that talking about emotions, being an involved father, and enjoying nurturing are fine qualities in a man across very well, along with being strong and protective.