"So... my sister's thinking of spending the holidays with us," a friend recently told me, "but she's asked that my husband, me, and anyone else coming over to stay sober the entire time, and I'm not really sure how I feel about that." My friend just started to reconnect with a sister she's always had a bit of an explosive relationship with, something that's in part thanks to the fact that her sister is now in remission from her alcohol use disorder — and shared festivities would be a huge milestone, but an equally large potential risk for someone trying to stay sober.
Though my friend is OK with shelving the booze for her sister's sake, she's not quite convinced that it would be fair to ask everyone else who happens to drop in on their annual party to abstain, too, and wants to know whether recovering alcoholics should go around basically demanding other people to go alcohol-free, too.
Supporting a recovering alcoholic? Your actions matter!
Here's the deal — study after study shows that alcoholics in remission are more likely to successfully remain sober, both in the short-term and for the long haul, if they have supportive social networks. Relatives and close friends are especially important. That support can come in many forms, from committing to do everything you can to stop enabling an addict by, for instance, making excuses for their behavior, to helping them research treatment programs or driving them to an AA meeting.
Should it also include abstaining from alcohol yourself, at least in their presence? Well, consider these research-backed facts:
- Recovering addicts whose partners are still heavy drinkers are much more likely to relapse.
- Recovering addicts whose friends are sober and clean people who encourage abstinence have higher rates of long-term remission.
- Alcoholics in remission who had a good number of sober friends when they quit drinking have bigger odds of staying sober, as do those who find new sober friends after they reach remission.
- Recovering alcoholics with fewer heavy or problem drinkers in their wider social circle are — you guessed it — more likely to stay in remission. Conversely, the presence of heavy drinkers in a sober alcoholic's life is one of the predictors of relapse.
- Spending quality time engaged in activities that don't involve drinking boosts long-term remission rates, too.
For friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, coworkers, siblings, and anyone else who wants to do their part to support a recovering alcoholic they may see a few hours or perhaps days at a time stay on the wagon, it's really a no-brainer. Yes, you can help someone stay in remission by refraining from drinking in their presence. And if you can, don't you have a moral obligation to do exactly that?
People who live with a recovering alcoholic — like partners, room mates, or parents — may have a slightly harder decision to make. Will they commit to never drinking in their own home again? That's one to work out with your therapist, support group for the loved ones of recovering alcoholics, and the addict in remission themselves. Research doesn't lie, however, and promoting a sober lifestyle will absolutely have a positive impact.
Should alcoholics in remission ask their loved ones to go sober?
In early remission, potential triggers — cues that cause cravings — are everywhere for addicts trying to turn their lives around. People they used to drink with, places they drank at, holidays, stress, sadness, loneliness, something to celebrate, big changes, and even just seeing complete strangers have a drink can all, for some people, be potential stumbling blocks.
In those first stages of sobriety, it may make sense to organize life around avoiding triggers. Alcohol is everywhere, however, and recovering alcoholics will be exposed to drinking sooner or later, and in fact quite inevitably repeatedly. While walking into a bar isn't going to be the best idea, people who are now in remission from an alcohol use disorder will have to learn to cope with the fact that fairly responsible social drinking is a big part of the culture to achieve long-term sobriety.
Yup, it makes sense to keep your distance from other alcoholics or former drinking buddies who aren't on board with sobriety yet, but should you really demand that others go straight-edge so you can avoid some triggers? That's really the question my friend was asking, and the answer is a matter of perspective.
Yes, asking people closest to you to join you in your sobriety — especially for only a few days — is a perfectly valid choice. It may even show you just how supportive your social network really is. Know, however, that you may not get the answer you were hoping for, particularly if the people you're asking are problem drinkers themselves. Also know that alcohol isn't going anywhere. Whether at mandatory work-related bonding events, weddings, funerals, holidays, or in films, books, and plentiful advertisements, you wll be confronted with alcohol time and time again. And to be strong in your sobriety, you need to find a way to handle that if it's a trigger for you.
For everyone else who just wants to be supportive — it's best to either always ask a recovering alcoholic if they are OK if you drink in their presence, or to voluntarily say sober. Your support can have a big impact on your loved one's continued remission.