Parent-teen conflict — or tension — is equally frustrating for both parties. As parents wonder where their sweet little one went and when that grunting, rude imposter that seems to have possessed their child will f*** off, teens are frustrated that nobody understands them and angry that their parents don't trust them or see them for who they are.
Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development
What's going on in our families when parents and teens struggle to get along? Famous — but underrated — psychoanalyst Erik Erikson sheds light on these conflicts through his framework of stages of psychosocial development.
Erikson's theory holds that we all have important existential, identity-building, work to do — work that changes throughout our lives. If you look at Erikson's framework, it's easy to see that the stages parents and teens are in can easily clash:
- Stage 1 (infancy): Trust vs Mistrust. A new human's earliest task is to figure out whether they can trust the world around them, because it is essentially safe and loving, or whether the world around them represents a constant source of danger.
- Stage 2 (early childhood): Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt. In early childhood, we consciously become aware of the fact that we and our parents are separate beings. We develop the urge to make our own decisions as well as gaining greater control of our bodies. At the same time, we might develop shame around our bodies and their functions.
- Stage 3 ("play age" or preschool age): Initiative vs Guilt. This stage introduces many interactions outside of a child's immediate family, and as the child explores the world, the major question they ask is if they are good or bad. Children question how they should behave during this stage, and guilt can play a big role in this.
- Stage 4 (school age): Industry vs Inferiority. As the child's inner world expands more, along with their physical world, they start to explore expectations placed on them and wonder how they can be good. Children at this stage need to develop their sense of confidence and competence.
- Stage 5 (adolescence): Identity vs Role Confusion. By the time the teen years come along, a young person starts to ask all the big questions. Who am I? Where do I fit in? How am I unique, and how am I different? This stage is all about finding yourself, and as part of this process of indviduation, teens break away from parents as they assert themselves.
- Stage 6 (young adulthood): Intimacy vs Isolation. This is the stage at which people form intimate relationships and deep friendships and worry about loving and being loved. Erikson's stages aren't strictly age-based, but this phase of life may continue up until around age 40 in some people.
- Stage 7 (adulthood): Generativity vs Stagnation. At this stage, people ask themselves how they are contributing to the world and society, as well as their families. They may reflect on their past choices, including mistakes, and wonder how they can do better.
- Stage 8 (old age): Integrity vs Despair. As much of our life is already behind us, we wonder what kind of legacy we are leaving behind, and grapple with our evaluation of our life.
How Can We Look at Parent-Teen Conflict Through Erik Erikson's Lens?
Teens are trying to find themselves — they crave action and change, engage in introspection to decide who they are and who they want to be, and they seek belonging. The belonging they seek is often peer-oriented, away from their parents, who suddenly seem stale, passive, and overprotective.
Parents may find themselves in any of the adult stages of development, or even a combination. Many will be wondering what they have contributed to the world, and look back on their life so far to see if they are on the right track. They realize that most of their child-rearing years are behind them and that they may soon have an empty nest. What other sources of meaning do they have? In many cases, much of their efforts have been focused on parenting, and they don't know.
Pitted against each other, these stages of development can be catastrophically conflictual.
The result? Both feel lost. Conflict and tension are almost inevitable.
How Does Parent-Teen Tension Manifest?
Parent-teen tension can manifest as:
- Arguments — verbal fights.
- A lack of communication, wherein both parties avoid each other.
- Below-surface tension, where both parties are scared that any interaction could lead to a conflict.
Conflicts are most often about curfews, the teen's friends, spending time with peers vs family, school and work, dating and sexuality, and clothing styles (including things like tattoos and piercings). Alcohol, drugs, and other harmful behaviors are another major source of strife in families with teens.
Research shows that teens often see the relationship between them and their parents as more conflictual than the parents (especially dads) do, but also that personality plays a big role in the nature of the conflicts. If both parties are highly extroverted, for example, verbal conflicts (including "fights"/"screaming") are more common than if one is highly introverted, in which case avoidance becomes more common.
Parenting style also matters, and families in which parents were "permissive" — allowing their teenagers to do nearly anything — were actually found to have the highest levels of conflict.
No matter the nature of the situation, it is hard for everyone involved. Recognizing that is a good starting point, and talking about this model of development may give you a way to begin mending your relationship, or at least to understand it better.