Hi all - I am new to this site, but I am in desparate need of help. I will try and be brief, but you will need a bit of background to see my situ and worries.
I have been with fiance for 6 years, we have 4 year old son together, and i have 8 year old son from 1st marriage. When I met fiance, we fell head over heels in love and things were great - although quite soon into the relationship he used to go out on "drink" binges - after one of these binges, when he came home, he told me that he had been in jail in Peru for 5 years for smuggling cocaine!! - I nearly fell of my chair, as I have never come across anybody or anyting like this ever.
Anyway, I kind of dealt with it, and we carried on - him still "drink binging" ever 6 weeks or so.
Fast forward to about a year ago, when things got really bad with us - his drinking got worse, he became vile, abusive, I noticed money going missing, bank loans taken out etc etc. He lost weight, all the signs I now know of cocaine abuse/addiction. It got really bad - 6 months of hell - Finally he stopped, and he did stop - we worked it out together, tried to get his finacnes(actually, our finances) back in order and move on.
Well, he then gets a good job, promotion etc, and has to stay away with work quite a bit - I don't like him staying away, I don' really trust him anymore after all the lying previously, its very hard to not think about it all, and to feel resentment, anger etc etc. I can't take away that outside of this all he is a lovely man, great dad, etc etc (aren't they all)??
So, we have been aruging, fighting all sorts, not a happy house - so he decides, actually we agree that it would be better for us to try and salvage our relationship by us being togehter, but him moving out just down the road, so he can see his son as often as poss. He also says he can't live with my 8 year old either (his main reason for feeling like he had to clear his head, and avoid us aruguing/fighting anymore) - THings were going OK - he has been round lots, we have been getting on better - but long story short, I have found out that on at least 3 occassions in the past 3 weeks he has done cocaine again - spent about £150 each time, which I don't knowif that is a lot or not. I have just confronted him, he admitted it - says I am over reacting, he is not going down that road again - blah blah blah - SO now, I am sat here thinking, did he move out because he was getting back into this life, and blaming our relationhsip and my son for it all - or is he back doing coke, because he is on his own more etc etc.
I just don't know what to do - I love him dearly, and I want him back in our home, where I can try and look after him, stop all this c**p again. He reckons thats all he's doing - but for somebody that managed to get over 10K in debt in less than 4 months less than a year ago to cocaine - is he really able to "control" this?
Just really after some advice from anybody who can help me deal with this - I don't know which way to turn, who to talk to - my parents would flip if they knew - his parents would totally disown him, as he has caused them so much pain in the past through it all. I feel like making him lose everything, ie job, child, parents, me, because he has destroyed and hurt me so much - I couod call his parents, or mail them, and tell them what has happened, I could mail his company and tell them he uses coke - I could get restraining order to stop him coming near us - He owes me £2500 which he has in his bank account, I could clear his account, and just tell him to F*** O**- but I don't, I am so angry, but in so much pain I just don't know what to do and how to go about what to do.
Sorry this is soooo long, but any help/advice guidance would be grately received.
Thanks all
Wingey
I have been with fiance for 6 years, we have 4 year old son together, and i have 8 year old son from 1st marriage. When I met fiance, we fell head over heels in love and things were great - although quite soon into the relationship he used to go out on "drink" binges - after one of these binges, when he came home, he told me that he had been in jail in Peru for 5 years for smuggling cocaine!! - I nearly fell of my chair, as I have never come across anybody or anyting like this ever.
Anyway, I kind of dealt with it, and we carried on - him still "drink binging" ever 6 weeks or so.
Fast forward to about a year ago, when things got really bad with us - his drinking got worse, he became vile, abusive, I noticed money going missing, bank loans taken out etc etc. He lost weight, all the signs I now know of cocaine abuse/addiction. It got really bad - 6 months of hell - Finally he stopped, and he did stop - we worked it out together, tried to get his finacnes(actually, our finances) back in order and move on.
Well, he then gets a good job, promotion etc, and has to stay away with work quite a bit - I don't like him staying away, I don' really trust him anymore after all the lying previously, its very hard to not think about it all, and to feel resentment, anger etc etc. I can't take away that outside of this all he is a lovely man, great dad, etc etc (aren't they all)??
So, we have been aruging, fighting all sorts, not a happy house - so he decides, actually we agree that it would be better for us to try and salvage our relationship by us being togehter, but him moving out just down the road, so he can see his son as often as poss. He also says he can't live with my 8 year old either (his main reason for feeling like he had to clear his head, and avoid us aruguing/fighting anymore) - THings were going OK - he has been round lots, we have been getting on better - but long story short, I have found out that on at least 3 occassions in the past 3 weeks he has done cocaine again - spent about £150 each time, which I don't knowif that is a lot or not. I have just confronted him, he admitted it - says I am over reacting, he is not going down that road again - blah blah blah - SO now, I am sat here thinking, did he move out because he was getting back into this life, and blaming our relationhsip and my son for it all - or is he back doing coke, because he is on his own more etc etc.
I just don't know what to do - I love him dearly, and I want him back in our home, where I can try and look after him, stop all this c**p again. He reckons thats all he's doing - but for somebody that managed to get over 10K in debt in less than 4 months less than a year ago to cocaine - is he really able to "control" this?
Just really after some advice from anybody who can help me deal with this - I don't know which way to turn, who to talk to - my parents would flip if they knew - his parents would totally disown him, as he has caused them so much pain in the past through it all. I feel like making him lose everything, ie job, child, parents, me, because he has destroyed and hurt me so much - I couod call his parents, or mail them, and tell them what has happened, I could mail his company and tell them he uses coke - I could get restraining order to stop him coming near us - He owes me £2500 which he has in his bank account, I could clear his account, and just tell him to F*** O**- but I don't, I am so angry, but in so much pain I just don't know what to do and how to go about what to do.
Sorry this is soooo long, but any help/advice guidance would be grately received.
Thanks all
Wingey
Hi wingey,
Once an addict, that's it until that addict gets into rehab or has a very strong support system. My daughter was a heroin addict for years and tried to stop on numerous occasions with no satisfaction. I finally had her arrested, after spending 8 weeks in jail then be remanded to a rehabilitation setting for 6 months, then being remanded to a half way house for 6 months, she is now 16 months clean and sober. She tried on her own, she really did, and many times she had me convinced that she was all good, but it came back around and got her again. My heart ached for her and i lost a lot of sleep over this. At the time of her arrest she weighed 95 pounds, skin and bones with eye balls popping out of her head, severe sores on her face, and horrendous track marks up and down her arms and where ever else she could get the needle in.
Your man needs professional help, don't listen to him when he says he kickin it on his own, that is not so. Maybe there is a slight chance that he is, but doubtful. You must suggest help for him and walk with him thru it. Don't use the kids as a reason, don't use yourself or your love for each other as a reason either, he must do this for the most important reason, himself.
He moved out so it's easier for him to do his thing, not to make things better for your relationship, tho it sounds good and it may be a tad true, for the most part it is so he can get high and you won't know about it.
Addicts are HUGH liars, HUGH HUGH liars. They tell you exactly what you want to hear then they do the opposite. Addicts are sneaky, they will steal from their loved ones and roll the car down the driveway to kick start it, then take off into the bowels of the inner city to get their stuff. He may be gettin his "blow" from a reputable dealer, if there is such a thing, they are all slime to me anyways.
Either get a grip on him and tell him that you can see right thru him, or please move on, there is no middle here. Your kids are going to see this stuff to, my grandsons other gramma took the baby away from my daughter, legally. She has one more year to go with all her programs then she can petition the court to get him back which his gramma is willing to do.
Right now, you and your babies should be the most important thing in your life, tho you love this man, of course you do, stop beating yourself up, you didn't do anything wrong. So like i said before, demand that he get professional service, clean himself up, then you may think about having a life with him again, if he balks and complains and basically refuses, move on hon as that is not the response that you need from him.
Once an addict, that's it until that addict gets into rehab or has a very strong support system. My daughter was a heroin addict for years and tried to stop on numerous occasions with no satisfaction. I finally had her arrested, after spending 8 weeks in jail then be remanded to a rehabilitation setting for 6 months, then being remanded to a half way house for 6 months, she is now 16 months clean and sober. She tried on her own, she really did, and many times she had me convinced that she was all good, but it came back around and got her again. My heart ached for her and i lost a lot of sleep over this. At the time of her arrest she weighed 95 pounds, skin and bones with eye balls popping out of her head, severe sores on her face, and horrendous track marks up and down her arms and where ever else she could get the needle in.
Your man needs professional help, don't listen to him when he says he kickin it on his own, that is not so. Maybe there is a slight chance that he is, but doubtful. You must suggest help for him and walk with him thru it. Don't use the kids as a reason, don't use yourself or your love for each other as a reason either, he must do this for the most important reason, himself.
He moved out so it's easier for him to do his thing, not to make things better for your relationship, tho it sounds good and it may be a tad true, for the most part it is so he can get high and you won't know about it.
Addicts are HUGH liars, HUGH HUGH liars. They tell you exactly what you want to hear then they do the opposite. Addicts are sneaky, they will steal from their loved ones and roll the car down the driveway to kick start it, then take off into the bowels of the inner city to get their stuff. He may be gettin his "blow" from a reputable dealer, if there is such a thing, they are all slime to me anyways.
Either get a grip on him and tell him that you can see right thru him, or please move on, there is no middle here. Your kids are going to see this stuff to, my grandsons other gramma took the baby away from my daughter, legally. She has one more year to go with all her programs then she can petition the court to get him back which his gramma is willing to do.
Right now, you and your babies should be the most important thing in your life, tho you love this man, of course you do, stop beating yourself up, you didn't do anything wrong. So like i said before, demand that he get professional service, clean himself up, then you may think about having a life with him again, if he balks and complains and basically refuses, move on hon as that is not the response that you need from him.
Hi again - Well we have just had a very heated discussion about all of this and he is convinced that this isn't the route he is ever going down again - he was stupid to just do this - twice, in his words,, thats twice in 10 months, since he really quit it all. I don't know, I want to believe him, and I do know that he has a lot more going for him now than he did when he was heavily into it all, but there is a bit of me that says - liar - he is always going to lie abou this - but I guess I have to just try and look after me and my boys - at least he doesn't live here right now - part of me is glad, the other is just worried that he will spiral out of control and into more debt, drugs and distruction.
Anyway, I guess I don't make his choices, he does - I just want to be as prepared as I can be for them. My boys are my world, adore them to pieces (although make life hard sometimes too)!! - So, they are my priority, and of course me too. I am out with some girlfriends tomorrow night - so looking forward to it - OH is babysitting and planning on spending as much time as poss with his son - my other son is with is Dad, so perfect weekend for OH - gets me and his son to himself!!
THanks bbfeet for your reply, that must have been so tough for you, having a child go through all this is just too much for me to even think about - I want my boys to be aware of it all, but also to NEVER go down that road - Oh to make all their decisions for them heh??
Speak soon
Lynne
Anyway, I guess I don't make his choices, he does - I just want to be as prepared as I can be for them. My boys are my world, adore them to pieces (although make life hard sometimes too)!! - So, they are my priority, and of course me too. I am out with some girlfriends tomorrow night - so looking forward to it - OH is babysitting and planning on spending as much time as poss with his son - my other son is with is Dad, so perfect weekend for OH - gets me and his son to himself!!
THanks bbfeet for your reply, that must have been so tough for you, having a child go through all this is just too much for me to even think about - I want my boys to be aware of it all, but also to NEVER go down that road - Oh to make all their decisions for them heh??
Speak soon
Lynne