So I'm 24 and have been stuggling with depression for around 8-9 years. It started when my mother had cancer and my family fell apart. I was 15 at the time and had to leave school to help with the finances, paying bills etc. Making sure everyone had meals because my father couldn't cope and my family was a wreck. I left school and couldn't hold down a job, I went spiralling doing things I'm not proud of. I cared nothing for myself or my body and I used it like a tool. Like it was worthless.
My aunt died a couple of years later and it was hard on everyone. When I was 21 I found out I was pregnant and I reeled. My grandmother died four days before. I'd been putting off doing the test afraid of what my family would say as I hadn't been with my partner very long. But its one of my biggest regrets. I still wish I'd have done it sooner so I could have told her.
Once I gave birth I suffered from post natal depression on top of everything else and I didn't want anything to do with my baby. I didn't even bath her until she was three months old. I pawned her off on family every chance I got. I know it sounds awful and I regret it as now she prefers anyone but me. A year after I gave birth my uncle died.
Now, last year I finally decided to take hold of my life. I came off the pills and got a job. Even moved away! But then I found out I was pregnant again. I didn't want it, or I thought I didn't until i found out it was ectopic. A week after I lost the baby I started working as a carer. I never took the pills again but now I feel i cant cope anymore. I have too much stress. I'm not eating and not sleeping. I ache all over. I can't be bothered with anything and I feel like I'm going to break at any moment. What's worse is everyone's telling me I'm fine, get over it, when I know I'm not.
I've cried myself to sleep for the past week.
I'm exhausted.
I'm scared of going to the doctors because I'm terrified they'll sign me off work for a while and I feel like that will make everyone angry. Like I should be trying harder.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Hello,
from the start of your story it's clear you sacrificed our-self to help make things better and even now you're worried how the others would react if you had to take leave off work... and I understand that it's important to you to keep everyone else happy, but you know you can't do that if the cost is yourself being depressed and not being able to enjoy your life.
I'm not saying that some therapy will turn things overnight, but even an hour-or two weekly of being able to talk to someone about things that you need to get off your chest will make a difference. Ad i definitely know how much easier for doctors is to prescribe you pills, but if you have any medical coverage you alo have the right to insist on psychotherapy instead of medications.
If it helps, send me a message,
wish you all teh best,
Nicole