A little background. I have a 15 year old child who has consistently fought us, defied us, does not do good in school, has no social network at all. He has always underachieved and as a result I am always on him to do better. He just seems to never try and I am always yelling at him.
Child #2. He is 12, is great in school (95+ in everything) is liked by everyone and is probably the best athlete the school has to offer. We call him Bestest Bones. I can almost see the pattern here. The first child never seems to do good but the second does and I am afraid that as much as I probably have pushed the first one too hard, the second one I have always encouraged - probably to a fault.
Child #2 has entered a phase for the last few years where his stomach always hurts. He loses energy, will not do anything, will not eat (very thin). He is also the type of kid that worries about everything. The doctors have gone through the gauntlet of test and have found nothing. I am at the point where I fear we have put him on a pedestal so high that he now worries about everything and as a result we are where we are.
Does this sound like GAD? We are at a point of desperation we dont know what to do. Anything will help.
Thanks.
Scott
I'll apologise in advance, Slider, but I'm going to be offensive & you won't like what I have to say. I speak from what I see & read; I'm going to pull apart your post, so if you believe I have it wrong- remember, you wrote it.
And expect to be judged. This is a public website afterall.
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A little background. I have a 15 year old child who has consistently fought
us, defied us, does not do good in school, has no social network at all. He has always
underachieved and as a result I am always on him to do better. He just seems to
never try and I am always yelling at him.
I'm not surprised he doesn't try- you've admitted that you're always on at him. He feels as if he'll let you down- that no matter what he does, you'll have something new to nag about. So what's the point in trying?
You have created this- you have created him. So don't blame him for his inadequecies- start looking at you. He's 15years old- he's in the most difficult time in a child's life, physically, socially, academically & emotionally- then he has you yelling at him! Teenagers do not respond to this kind of parenting. In fact, teenagers have a biological disposition to tune-out a parents nagging voice. So scientifically- he's not hearing a damn word you say. Emotionally- he probably thinks that he's the lesser brother (I'll come to this soon), he's the one that's not good enough for you.
You are setting your expectations to high & then moaning when your child doesn't meet them.
I know who I'd be telling to "Get yourself sorted!" and it's not your 15 year old son.
You haven't even considered that he might be depressed? Being bullied at school (as well as at home!)? He has no one to reach out to, he's not doing well in school & he's rebelious...
OMG! Wake up, Scott!
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Child #2. He is 12, is great in school (95+ in everything) is liked by everyone
and is probably the best athlete the school has to offer. We call him Bestest
Bones.
Not obvious with your favouritism are you, Scott?
I actually thought this was disgusting. You actually verbally single out your favourite child and you are wondering why you have problems with your first? This beggars belief.
Quote:
Child #2 has entered a phase for the last few years where his stomach always hurts. He loses energy, will not do
anything, will not eat (very thin). He is also the type of kid that worries
about everything. The doctors have gone through the gauntlet of test and have
found nothing. I am at the point where I fear we have put him on a pedestal so
high that he now worries about everything and as a result we are where we
are.
If he's been tested for everything possible that would cause these symptoms, then it's possible that he's suffering from psycho-somatic symptoms. Is he under too much stress? Again- is he being bullied? Likable kids are not liked by everyone all of the time.
I also suspect that he might also be suffering with psychosomatic symptoms due to the relationship you have with his brother. What is his relationship like with his brother? Is he there when you are constantly nagging his brother? Does he feel pressure not to be like his brother?
I would definitely examine the family relationships going on here. I would also investigate why you feel the need for your children to be 'perfect', instead of themselves. Parents are not perfect, so why the hell they expect children to be baffles me!
And yep! It may be because you stuck the kid on a pedastal. You're expectations as parents are too high.
That's also why your 1st kid is playing up too!
I find it shocking that you put your 2nd son's relatively minor appertite problems (which could also be contributed to puberty) in front of your 1st child's obvious anxiety & depression symptoms. Any help you need is directed towards your emotional attachments to your children & couldn't be done through a messageboard. However, I would advise you to stop forking out for medical help for your second son & invest in some family therapy. You may end up killing two birds with one stone.
Good luck- but more importantly, I really hope your whole family gets the help they need.
V