Having a baby as insurance against a (potentially) lonely old age is NOT a good reason to have one.
Children grow up and move away. Sometimes they move to other cities, states, or provinces. Sometimes they move away to other countries. They develop their own lives and families and have problems of their own to deal with. Is it fair to ask them to shoulder some of your burden?
Expecting your grown child to uproot their own lives, families, and careers to care for you in your old age is just plain selfish. Sorry, but you're investing a lot of hope in what amounts to a hypothetical situation. There is no guarantee that your child will be there for you when you need them. Many parents are estranged from their children for various reasons. They could even be born or become disabled and it is YOU who must provide the constant care for them. They may simply not WANT to take care of you.
Think very carefully about procreating as a form of "insurance". The Golden Years are not always lonely and empty (indeed, many are having the time of their lives), and old age homes are literally full of folks who did have kids but still sit by themselves waiting for a visit or the phone to ring.
Many people who feel the "pangs" to have children, especially after deciding not to, are simply feeling the effects of a society that often romanticizes parenting. Who wouldn't want to feel the warm embrace and soft kiss of a 4 year old as you greet them each day? But the fact is those children grow up into teenagers and then adults and those embraces and soft kisses are few and far between. Do not become fixated on fleeting moments that will pass.
We all have the need to feel loved and needed by someone, it is perfectly natural. But it is far from a good reason to have children. It is the most demanding job you will ever undertake, with little to no thanks or reward, and they will break your heart in a million different ways. There are happy times, sure, but you must be willing to see past the Hallmark images of parents walking hand in hand with smiling children and look at the grim face of reality, warts and all.
You must be 100% certain, without a doubt, that you are ready and willing to dedicate the rest of your life to the development and success of another human being, willing to suffer the hard work, sacrifice of time, and often the diminished quality of your romantic relationships. If you want unconditional love, you are better off getting a puppy. Sorry to paint such a bleak picture, but it's not all sunshine and fairies. I just think there is a lot to consider, not all of it good or pleasant to think about.
Children grow up and move away. Sometimes they move to other cities, states, or provinces. Sometimes they move away to other countries. They develop their own lives and families and have problems of their own to deal with. Is it fair to ask them to shoulder some of your burden?
Expecting your grown child to uproot their own lives, families, and careers to care for you in your old age is just plain selfish. Sorry, but you're investing a lot of hope in what amounts to a hypothetical situation. There is no guarantee that your child will be there for you when you need them. Many parents are estranged from their children for various reasons. They could even be born or become disabled and it is YOU who must provide the constant care for them. They may simply not WANT to take care of you.
Think very carefully about procreating as a form of "insurance". The Golden Years are not always lonely and empty (indeed, many are having the time of their lives), and old age homes are literally full of folks who did have kids but still sit by themselves waiting for a visit or the phone to ring.
Many people who feel the "pangs" to have children, especially after deciding not to, are simply feeling the effects of a society that often romanticizes parenting. Who wouldn't want to feel the warm embrace and soft kiss of a 4 year old as you greet them each day? But the fact is those children grow up into teenagers and then adults and those embraces and soft kisses are few and far between. Do not become fixated on fleeting moments that will pass.
We all have the need to feel loved and needed by someone, it is perfectly natural. But it is far from a good reason to have children. It is the most demanding job you will ever undertake, with little to no thanks or reward, and they will break your heart in a million different ways. There are happy times, sure, but you must be willing to see past the Hallmark images of parents walking hand in hand with smiling children and look at the grim face of reality, warts and all.
You must be 100% certain, without a doubt, that you are ready and willing to dedicate the rest of your life to the development and success of another human being, willing to suffer the hard work, sacrifice of time, and often the diminished quality of your romantic relationships. If you want unconditional love, you are better off getting a puppy. Sorry to paint such a bleak picture, but it's not all sunshine and fairies. I just think there is a lot to consider, not all of it good or pleasant to think about.
HI Ed
I think you provided some really good points and insight on having children. I am curious to know where you get the knowledge from. Do you have children of your own?
Thanks.
I think you provided some really good points and insight on having children. I am curious to know where you get the knowledge from. Do you have children of your own?
Thanks.
I'm 35 and pretty much knew by the time I was 18 that I didn't want kids of my own. I have many reasons, and never worry about regretting not having a family of my own in the future. I've read the posts of some who have expressed great regret in this thread, and I feel sad for them.
Happiness is a choice, so is regret. I feel sad that some should choose regret when there is so much happiness easily within their reach.
First of all, if you do kind things for others, you will always have a family, even if it's a family bond chosen instead of birthed. Get off your ass and start working at a soup kitchen, and you'll find a ready made group of people you can become friends with, on both sides of the chow line. If you can't get off your ass because you are infirm, then find out who the one person who is sadder and lonelier than you are in your close proximity and have a nurse wheel your ass to their side so you can comfort them-- 9 times out of 10 you will meet a potential new friend.
Give, Give Give, and sprinkle it with love, and you will have more love in your life than you can contain, who cares if it comes from folks who have different DNA.
Adoption is also a possibility-- there are thousands of kids of all ages just aching for someone to call their family and if you feel you are too old for an infant, adopt an 18 year old, provide a safety net for them as they go through college or training, give them a place to go for thanksgiving and Christmas, and they will love you plenty.
Be the Village. It takes a village, but if all the villagers have kids of their own to worry about, there's less attention that goes to each individual kid. Be a good Aunt to the kids of your friends and neighbors and you can forge relationships with young people that will be as likely to last (or not last) into your old age as a relationship with your own kids will (see above post about the foolishness of seeing kids as an investment in not being alone in your old age).
Don't idealize other people's lives, just live your own in as happy and healthy a way as possible. The are a multitude of paths to take, and no one can take them all, regretting the path you took to get to this point, instead of trying to enjoy where you are at in the moment and keep an eye open for good paths to take in the future, is an exercise in futility and will only make a body miserable. Consider the fact that for every childless person that regrets not having children, there are probably a dozen parents who imagine how much better their lives would be if they hadn't, and you can see that the grass is always greener on the other side, and regret is just a matter of perspective. Change your perspective, change your life.
Happiness is a choice, so is regret. I feel sad that some should choose regret when there is so much happiness easily within their reach.
First of all, if you do kind things for others, you will always have a family, even if it's a family bond chosen instead of birthed. Get off your ass and start working at a soup kitchen, and you'll find a ready made group of people you can become friends with, on both sides of the chow line. If you can't get off your ass because you are infirm, then find out who the one person who is sadder and lonelier than you are in your close proximity and have a nurse wheel your ass to their side so you can comfort them-- 9 times out of 10 you will meet a potential new friend.
Give, Give Give, and sprinkle it with love, and you will have more love in your life than you can contain, who cares if it comes from folks who have different DNA.
Adoption is also a possibility-- there are thousands of kids of all ages just aching for someone to call their family and if you feel you are too old for an infant, adopt an 18 year old, provide a safety net for them as they go through college or training, give them a place to go for thanksgiving and Christmas, and they will love you plenty.
Be the Village. It takes a village, but if all the villagers have kids of their own to worry about, there's less attention that goes to each individual kid. Be a good Aunt to the kids of your friends and neighbors and you can forge relationships with young people that will be as likely to last (or not last) into your old age as a relationship with your own kids will (see above post about the foolishness of seeing kids as an investment in not being alone in your old age).
Don't idealize other people's lives, just live your own in as happy and healthy a way as possible. The are a multitude of paths to take, and no one can take them all, regretting the path you took to get to this point, instead of trying to enjoy where you are at in the moment and keep an eye open for good paths to take in the future, is an exercise in futility and will only make a body miserable. Consider the fact that for every childless person that regrets not having children, there are probably a dozen parents who imagine how much better their lives would be if they hadn't, and you can see that the grass is always greener on the other side, and regret is just a matter of perspective. Change your perspective, change your life.
Hey! I'm a journalism student working on a story about women who choose not to have kids or are postponing it later than most and came across your group. If you would be willing to talk about your thoughts and experiences, please send me a message at jill.colvin (at) gmail (dot) com. I'd love to listen.
Well, I know I'm a bit late in responding to this post, however I've just managed to come across it. I've been researching other people's thoughts on this kids or no kids issue. There were 2 people who wrote their thoughts and I wanted to say my story as it may help. I am turning 36, my husband is 33. We have been married 6 years, together about 7. Back when dating, we discussed children and I said 'someday' I would like a child. Unfortunately, his paternal clock has been ticking faster than mine, causing disputes and anger. He is tired of waiting, while I love my career and my life as it is - I'm in no rush (if I have a kid in 2, 3 or 4 years from now, thats fine with me...... or never...?). We finally decided to separate for a while so we can decide what we'd like to do. I have to say that I would be able to keep my job - he is more than willing to be a stay at home dad......but am I ready to let go of the freedom I've learned to love (and just getting over being sick, it was so great to just lie at home....in the peace and quiet for a few days). Do I really want to change diapers and wear ear plugs for years??
I do know I would be a super mom, but do I want to be??
To the male who loves his girlfriend, but he wants kids and she doesn't - you may end up here after years. While she may change her mind (like I may have), if not, the ultimatum may come out. My husband and I may get a divorce over this matter, and I can't blame him. As much as I don't want to be pressured into having a child, I can't subject him to a life without one.
Thank you to everyone for posting your comments - its refreshing to discuss these topics with others.
I do know I would be a super mom, but do I want to be??
To the male who loves his girlfriend, but he wants kids and she doesn't - you may end up here after years. While she may change her mind (like I may have), if not, the ultimatum may come out. My husband and I may get a divorce over this matter, and I can't blame him. As much as I don't want to be pressured into having a child, I can't subject him to a life without one.
Thank you to everyone for posting your comments - its refreshing to discuss these topics with others.
I have children : they are healthy and mostly good kids, though sometimes whiny and infuriating. Knowing what I know now, 15 years later, I realize it's volontary slavery. I basically traded 20 years of my own life to give them theirs and although they are sweet and loving, it's not worth it. I wanted to see the world, freelance, join the peace corp or habitat for humanity: my hopes and dreams are sitting on the shelf while I feed, clean, help out and take care of everyone else. Just don't do it. Sure, we ALL say it's the greatest experience in the world, that it's wonderful butI think it's because we are conditioned to think that way, that if we don't "something is wrong with us", that it's good to be a devoted parent and bad to not see the mystical magical in the sacred bond. Well 6 years of my life changing diapers: that's closer to stinky hell than magic. The whining, the sibbling rivalry, the endless school projects, b-day parties of screaming kids, finiky eaters, filthy clothes, halloween in the rain, saturday morning freezing in the pool during swimming lessons... during all this, you are lucky if you manage to get a heaicut once in while and to read or pee in peace. What's hard it that you hardly get breaks: it's fun most of the time but I can't hardly get "Me" time.. Is it so selfish to want to read a book in peace during a saturday afternoon, or take a bath without inturruptions or the sound of all hell braking loose? Really??? And just to give you perspective to all this, my girls are doing great in school, are polite, nad I get compliements whenever i go somewhere with them. It's still so demanding...so exhausting, I count down the years and dream of them leaving the nest. Then I can coninue to nurture but take care of the most neglected member of the household: me.
Thank you so much for all these wonderful, honest opinions. I am about to lose the love of my life over this children issue (he wants, I don't) and I must admit I considered having children to keep him, but I feel I must stick to my instincts after reading these opinions, even though it will be harder now.
Well, I am 38 and engaged to a wonderful 41 year old man. He has 2 awesome neices and doesn't really want children. I work with challenging kids and am completely exhausted at the end of every workday. We love our weekends together.
I never really wanted children, didn't have a great childhood, and always wondered why people have children. My mom preferred to work than stay home with me and was usually tired and irritable at the end of the day.
Still, she always tells me that I will regret not having children. Mainly because of the relationeship and bond that exists, especially now that we are older, she enjoys her 3 kids much more.
It is a sacrifice and only a decision that both parents must make for themselves. I read somewhere to ask yourself, " If I were a child, would I want me as a parent?" No one is a perfect parent, but I do think you need to be able to devote the time.
I think the best parents have one that is home, available for the child, from my experience. Kids need a lot. Don't have one because everyone else has one. Have one because you have the money and want to put in the effort.
Someday, we might adopt. If not, we will still be happy. There are always kids out there who need a helping hand and love.
I never really wanted children, didn't have a great childhood, and always wondered why people have children. My mom preferred to work than stay home with me and was usually tired and irritable at the end of the day.
Still, she always tells me that I will regret not having children. Mainly because of the relationeship and bond that exists, especially now that we are older, she enjoys her 3 kids much more.
It is a sacrifice and only a decision that both parents must make for themselves. I read somewhere to ask yourself, " If I were a child, would I want me as a parent?" No one is a perfect parent, but I do think you need to be able to devote the time.
I think the best parents have one that is home, available for the child, from my experience. Kids need a lot. Don't have one because everyone else has one. Have one because you have the money and want to put in the effort.
Someday, we might adopt. If not, we will still be happy. There are always kids out there who need a helping hand and love.
I am 34 and still feel unsure about the decision to have kids or not. I never desperately wanted them, but there is a sense of missing out and the fear of regretting it down the road if I don't have any. My boyfriend of 4 years has two grown kids and a vasectomy, and he doesn't want any more kids, period. I've thought about freezing my eggs as an "insurance policy", just in case I turn 40 and panic, suddenly deciding I really want kids after all. I've worked with kids for years as a preschool teacher and I know what a handful they are... certainly don't relish the thought of the 24/7 work it takes to raise them. But on the other hand, isn't having kids what "it's all about?" It's one of the primary aspects of being human, and a part of me doesn't want to miss out on that! When people talk about their sons or daughters, I get a twinge of sadness, thinking I'll never have one of my own. But on the other hand, there's all the care and maintenance, the annoying questions, the soccer/ballet/baseball practices, the noisy sleepovers, the illnesses and the frustrations.... I don't know!!!
Anyone else feel this way?
Anyone else feel this way?
I have to say I do feel that way. I do want children. I am 39 years old and the man I am dating had a vasectomy, has 2 grown kids and does not want any more. Out of the question for him to even adopt. I never thought I would be that person that never had kids. At this point, do I stay with him( i love him so much) or take a chance on finding someone to have a family with???
I don't want to miss out on the experience either and am wondering if I will still be "whole" without having kids. But you bring up all the good points. I do feel pings every time he talks about his kids, or when another one of my friends ends up pregnant. My friends are stating they are going to feel sorry for me if I don't have kids of my own. I don't need nor do I want their pity.
I am currently going thru this point at the crossroads and am having one hell of a time trying to figure out what to do..Also, my age is a huge point of concern. At my age, I will literally be spending the rest of my life raising them and won't really be able to play and enjoy my grandchildren.
I am so confused!!!
I don't want to miss out on the experience either and am wondering if I will still be "whole" without having kids. But you bring up all the good points. I do feel pings every time he talks about his kids, or when another one of my friends ends up pregnant. My friends are stating they are going to feel sorry for me if I don't have kids of my own. I don't need nor do I want their pity.
I am currently going thru this point at the crossroads and am having one hell of a time trying to figure out what to do..Also, my age is a huge point of concern. At my age, I will literally be spending the rest of my life raising them and won't really be able to play and enjoy my grandchildren.
I am so confused!!!
I am almost 50 and always wanted a child. After divorcing my first Husband who never wanted children and being with my current boyfriend of 6 years I find myself very lonely for that family I never had and afraid of what the future may hold in my later years being alone. Having a child is a choice, but I have to say I regret not having any.
If you do not think you want to have children, do NOT let your friends or family members convince you that parenthood is the only correct decision. I never, ever liked children. They are needy, obnoxious, expensive people who have, in my opinion, very little to offer. Several years ago I met the love of my life. She told me she would not marry me unless I agreed to have kids. My parents told me I was crazy to not want kids, and I just didn't realize how wonderful parenthood would be. Several years later, my wife and I have a two-year-old. She is cute and smart and an absolute nightmare to raise. I haven't had a good night's sleep in more than two years. My wife and I are constantly tired. Our work schedules are always being juggled to arrange for the care of the child. When I wake up every morning, my day is a countdown - first counting down the minutes until the baby has her nap and then counting the minutes that she goes to bed at night. Every task - from going to the park to playing in the house - feels like it might never end. So my advice is this - unless you absolutely feel that your life will not be complete unless you are a parent, don't do it. Parenthood is really, really unpleasant, and more parents should have the courage to say it.
I'd rather buy a few Mercedes in my life than spending on children. I don't want to have a few children and be stuck with a Corolla!
I'd rather buy a few Mercedes in my life than spending on children. I don't want to have a few children and be stuck with a Corolla!
This lady says she had three abortions like shes proud of it. What a loser. I am pro choice bc I believe people have the right to control their bodily functions but abortions should not be a form of birth control, have you no shame?
Its nice that you absolutely know that you do not want to have children but maybe you should check into some birth control and chill on the aborted fetuses? Its probably no healthy either to rely on abortion as birth control.
Its nice that you absolutely know that you do not want to have children but maybe you should check into some birth control and chill on the aborted fetuses? Its probably no healthy either to rely on abortion as birth control.