Do You Regret Not Having Children

A heart felt question to those who have kids....Do you really think they will actually be there when you "grow old"? Do you think you "won't be alone"? The chances of them being inconsiderate is something that people don't want to discuss. The romantic notion of family is pretty off base as far as I'm concerned. Are you really happy? Taken care of? Of course anyone who has kids says "I can't imagine my life without them." I can't imagine my life without my chocolate lab that I decided to keep when I was 17 who I raised and gave an incredible life to until she was 14. I don't regret it - made it work. The love you know you'll never un-know. I think that there is probably an unimaginable love in having a child. However, the chances of them really loving you back, you keeping your relationship together and seeing them grow into decent happy people is far fetched. I don't know anyone who HAS kids that's happier then myself. Go with your gut - and don't have kids if your uncertain.

I am in early 50's with 3 kids. I love them. I regret having them. They were not the Brady bunch kids that I imagined they would be. They are 3 of the most rude, inconsiderate people I have known. No matter how I tried to raise them with good morals and values to become productive members of society, they fought me all the way. They are lazy selfish brats with no sense other than what life owes them. They are such an embarrassment to me. I know they will not be there for me when I will need them cause they are not here for me now.

I am 33, in a long term steady relationship with no kids and we are very very happy. Its society which wants me to have children, not me. Its our choice now. Im not going to regret my decision, I have freedom.

Hello -

I see that you made this post in 2001 and am curious as to whether or not you decided to have kids and why? I'm 30 right now and am really on the fence about it. So many of our friends are having babies right now, it's hard to not "go with the flow".

Thanks for this discussion. I don't think enough people talk about this.

People will tell you that you're more likely to regret NOT having them than having them, but I HIGHLY disagree. Just look at these responses.

Tons of women regret children, but you'll never hear about it, because it's society's last taboo.

***edited by moderator*** web addresses not allowed

I think it is healthy to truly consider whether or not you want to have children, and if you don't, it is OK not to have them. If raising children is not for you, then there is no reason to regret it. If you find down the road that you have excess love to give to children that need it, there is no lack of children in need.

As a former foster parent, I can tell you that it is heartbreaking to see how many children have been born into this world who were either not wanted or the parents just did not have the emotional and psychological resources to raise them in a healthy manner. This is absolutely devastating to a child, but I also must mention that it is devastating to the parents as well.

I think that there can be regrets on both side of the fence. That is why it is so important to take the time to decide what is best for you and your family.

Thank you for that link to mumsnet....I never had heard of it before. What a thread! I've been reading it for the past hour now. All I can say right now is that I know I'm not ready and I'm glad that I'm thinking about it BEFORE having children and not regretting it afterwards. If I end up becoming a mother, I will definitely not be going into it blindly thinking that it's going to be rainbows and butterflies. I'm just wondering if there will ever come a time when I would really know that I want to have kids. I don't know when that would be. Maybe if my younger sister has one (she's 26 and single though, so don't know when that will happen). Then maybe I'd want to have kids with her, or something. I don't know. Time will tell, I suppose! Thank you for your responses.

HeatherQ, I've definitely thought about that option. Maybe I won't have kids of my own and if I someday feel like I need to give extra love, or feel that I need to leave some sort of a mark, that I could just help the myriad children out there that really need help.

Well, thanks again!

I am 30 and married. I don't want to have children as I never feel a need to have them. People decide to have children to replicate, not to be alone, to be happier, to experience parenthood, unplanned pregnancies, or due to religious reasons.

Children come with a lot of responsibilities, loss of freedom, financial burden and stress. Me and my husband do not want to stress our beautiful relationship and existing life. We love each other, love to travel and have a decent social life. We are happy and don't believe that children can make you happy or improve your relationship. On the contrary, couples with children have difficulties in their sex lives and relationships. They have to think of babysitters even when going out for a simple dinner and are constantly sleep deprived. I also find the concept of pregnancy and childbirth physically repelling. Medically it is much more safer to have an abortion before first trimester than delivery. Lot of people gain weight, get diabetes and other diseases during childbirth that do not go away.

We also think it is our way of contributing to a greener world by eliminating waste that a person would generate over his or her lifetime. World is way overpopulated. If we feel like we need a child later in our lives, there are so many children in the world that needs home and love.

Guest wrote:

In reply to "not having children", here is my personal view. Understand, it's only my view.

I will turn 60 this year. I'm truly looking forward to it. The age thing has never bothered me in the least. I was attractive in my youth and believe I still hold on to the majority of that attractiveness. I'm married and have been married for what seems 'all my life'. When I met my husband, we were so much in love with each other and life, we didn't consider children. We never concerned ourselves with the thought of children. We were too much in love for thoughts of that nature to crowd our time. We found out later neither of us could have children. It didn't bother us at the time. When I turned 40, the opportunity presented itself to us to adopt a newborn. We discussed the life altering move and decided it would be an opportunity to have a real family. The anticipation of a child in our home didn't change anything, rather, added to our already wonderful lives.
Consequently, the baby was born premature and didn't live which devasted us.
Now, at 60 years of age and childless, as we approach our Golden Years, I have to admit, I find myself wishing we had raised a family of our own. I have my wonderful husband of course and not having a child has granted me the opportunity to share my life with him. Hopefully, we will continue to do that in our upcoming retirement.
I only have my husband's family left and their children. Everyone else has grown old and passed on.
Not having children of my own means if something happens to my husband, I will be totally alone. I did not say lonely. I said alone. Not having children means I will have to face issues of growing older, alone. There will be no one there to help me or comfort me. There will no one there to pass the time with or to buy presents for or to cook Thanksgiving dinner for.
True enough, I could spend time with friends and other family members but it's just not the same as having children.
I'm one of those women who wanted children but couldn't have them. I will always miss the little baby who didn't live. I will always miss the opportunity to raise and nurture my own child. I will miss the opportunities children present to parents at all ages. And I will miss them when they aren't there to love when I am left in this world by myself.
I'm healthy and I'm not depressed. I am filled with joy and happiness in most cases. The topic remember, is not having children. In that area, I feel like I'm the one who has lost.

Hi, in the heartbreaking replay of the Guest, I'd like to  add something that might seem too out of line for some, so please forgive me if I sound like a smart ass, but my nature always tells me to look for solutions to one's problem. And thinking about what I would do in the very possible event of me ending up alone around the age of 60 because I don't really want to rush with having children I have come up with a possible solution. Since the owner of that post was perfectly fine with raising adopted kids I don't see a reason why she can not STILL ADOPT A CHILD?... not a baby of course, but a teenager in need of love and support. Perhaps helping a troubled teen would change not only that kids life but also give you an amazing sense of satisfaction and meaning in your Golden Age... and maybe - just my thinking, that kid would grow up feeling a strong sense of appreciation for what you did and would feel like you were his or her family. I'm pretty sure you would end up having them for that Thanksgiving dinner once in awhile and they would comfort you when you need it.
Ok, I know that's a bit like telling you what to do, but I like to think outside the box and I felt like this might be a reasonable advice. Either way, please do not regret anything - I'm sure your life with your husband has been wonderful and worth living for and STILL WILL BE till the very end.

Well, Im 24, till now I didn't have any relationship that lasted more than a week. Im from troubled family, a looser father and my mom get traumatized from this home. Also, I have a lot of genetic diseases that need certain diet, supplementations, avoiding hard jobs, etc. I don't think one day I will regret not having kids. Some might say when you get old you will feel alone or lonely, I feel lonely even I have a lot of friends, I don't share with them any thing except that we were in same schools, same miseries (They get over it because of well families and better genetics), and similar cultural background.

I believe some people shouldn't have kids like my father. From the suffering we went through because of this highly stupid sick person, I believe there should be license that prohibit genetically sick people from having kids and don't tell me its immoral issue. making our lives miserable isnt inhuman??!!

I know I will feel lonely in my 60s and maybe before, I don't care because Im already lonely.

Hello everyone, I am a female, 39 years old, and "on the fence", so to speak, but strongly leaning towards the NO KIDS option. Thank you for posting your stories. I am so grateful for finding this thread and for the honesty with which you are writing. I have to decide soon if I will have kids or not and mostly I'm sure I don't want any (although I like most of other people's kids very much) but often my friends who do have kids (or my boyfriend, who wants kids) try to tell me how wonderful it is. I agree that it's a taboo to admit to regretting having them and that parenting is romanticised. Thank God for the Internet and the courage of parents to admit that it wasn't all they expected. I will not let other people tell me what's right for me. I also think it's a delusion to have kids as though to not be alone in old age. If you have a friendly personality and are open and optimistic, you will always have friends (friends are the family YOU can choose). If you are lonely and depressed now you will be just as lonely and depressed (maybe more) if you have kids. Having kids to become "whole" is a bad idea. Try to become whole by yourself first, build up your self-esteem, become more optimistic and you will be happy no matter what, with or without kids. Last but not least, I would like to repeat what someone said here on the board, that having regrets is a choice, as is being happy. You have got all the power already inside you, use it and be happy. 

Hi I am 37, married 5 years, husband is 41. He doesn't want a baby but will have one if idevide I really want to. I recently, two months ago, realized that to only is this something I am iffy about, but something I don't really want. We got pregnant twice andI miscarried at 4 weeks and again at 10 weeks, no reason given to us. I wasn't upset, but my husband was very upset the first time. Both times, I considered an abortion, because I felt so trapped. I am hoping that by writing I will figure out what I want. We also have fertility issues, but I have a feeling that if I don't without we will get pregnant accidently, if only because I gave up. My main reason is fear that I will regret not having a baby. I also don't want togoover to annoying relatives homes just to have somewhere to go on holidays, ridiculous thoughts, I know, as I write them. I have spent years "interviewing" parents, the majority of who eventually admit that although they would not give up their child for ten million dollars, they wouldn't have had one for ten million dollars, if they knew the what they know now. I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid that others will pity me, thinking that I feel lonely, but I have never felt lonely. I was never the girl dying to hold the new baby. I don't want to pass on genes that include mild depression, some alcoholism, or my husband's migraines. There are so many children out there in need of foster care and adoption. I am considering foster parenting, but not adoption. If you are as in love with your husband as I am, I think you need to consider what I consider; do I really want to share him? No! D I want to be responsible for another adult for the rest of my life? No. Most "good" parents I know are giving money to help support their children into their children's forties. The rest are a financial and or an emotional burden to their own children. Too many parents won't tolerate their children having opposing religious or political views, and the rest aren't happy unless their kids are educated to a PhD. This isn't appealing to me. We spent months traveling at a time. I cou Don't do that with children, but I would want that forms own. Why not do it myself, more, and care for foster children. I think I made up my mind, even more than i did a few months ago. The idea of kids makes me feel as if an anvil of financial and time, and emotions Burden has landed on my head,my chest, my stomach. Could I be a decent mom? That isn't so likely when I didn't have the example of a mom with good boundaries, though I had one that loved me so much, that my confidence and self esteem is staggering, to the point that I married someone who caters to me the way she did. That, the opportunity to save the earth another consumer, the opportunity to foster children seems fulfilling, on top of my love of,y work. I also blessed already; I have had my fair share, so now it's time to give back. Who could regret helping lonely needy children, and saving the world one more person from overpopulation? If bouts of loneliness are the cost, I will happily pay. Thanks everyone for letting me process!

I'm the product of a single mom who was 17 when she had me. She raised me to believe that having kids was an awful, miserable life. Now I'm 41. I own a very successful business, make loads of money, and I desperately want a family of my own.


Yet my mother hasn't even turned 60 yet. She says it's awfully selfish of me to want a child at my age, so I should give up on it.


What occurs to me is that she was the selfish one, inflicting her selfish beliefs from her own teenage years onto me as an adult. I'm not her. I'm an individual. I'm highly educated and very successful. I have a loving, devoted husband who has teen-aged kids from a previous marriage.


Yet, the only thing I can think of is having just ONE of my own. I don't want to reach the age of 60 and regret not having a child. But my husband is adamant that he wants no more.


I would rather raise a child alone and be happy than to live a life with a partner who is selfish enough to say you can't have what you really want in your life. SO I'm going into IVF treatment. If he leaves me - so be it. If he can't cope with MY child, then why should I have spent 9 years dealing with his children from another woman, even though she doesn't want either of them?


My choice is to live my own life, regardless of what other people say or think .It's all up tol you and your vision of your future :)

"i had no idea the mother was going to shove activities onto the children?"

You don't mention if you have any children of your own, or just resentment for your husband's children. I don't think this is relevant to the original post.

hi first of all lesson to your heart.. loveing some one is the best feeling but my advice is never give up your dream for any body as long as you leave because you don`t know what one day will bring.