hey -I want to say babes-as thats what I call people that I like(coming from the term baby and i want to be protective over you) but not in a weird way.
Ok, Today was good, apart from the strange man in my house and the facts that I know he had a lady friend over. It make smy blood boil and no sweary word will get through it...i will come to the alergic stuff later...ut this is worse than a hel hole, I cant wait ti hear about new accomodation!
After I went shopping, I came homw with alex?lexi as I call her, and we ate Breschetta-she loved it.had to have true basil though, so we both now stink of raw garlic. Anyway, we had a great day today, together alone-Becca felt a bit miffed, id bought her a dress, but she likes shoes-so she reallly wasnt that happy about it all.
I watched casualty and howled, my girls caught me crying for scotland and asked if I had hayfever again 8-| Brilliant sense of humour there.
My ex knows now that this is it, i feel guilty, i feel like I am the one not strong enough to forgive and I shall never forget my mums words "theres not enough forgiveness in this world", but hey I cant change until I am removed, and change this situation.
Though , on talking to that nurse about my drink isues, I have used it as a magic potion, "drink it away"it wil all be better. i have loads of reasons for thinking this loads. When I studied, If i had a quarter bottle of vodka till 2am. Id get a first...if i didnt Id near fail. I got essay marks from 89 percent to 39 percent. i drank /drink for confidence/to reduce my pls like me, im not horrible, just quiet with a weirdo lazy eye.
Anyway, I want flush you out, thank you for saying that about me, I would like to be a nurse, at some point, I believe that most people deserve the care and attention, and not a flashlight clever decisoin that could lead to magnitudinal errors. Dont get me wrong, I respect doctors, very much, in fact admire them, but I could never ever take that role on-never would want to. Thank goodness for that I hear you say-(she wouldnt be able to see or hear ( ha ha) the herat montior go Bbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooo) .
I remeber when I HA Alex , my first and it was a lon long labour, and then I threw up over one of the midwives..and she was a complete cow. i had the first midwife, and all praise to her.....lol...I remeber everything about it, as mothers do...but she was called R S Mcol-after a sweet shpo ,and she was lovely.then someon called Pamela took over, and she was a horrible b***h. she even told me to harden up. i remeber screaming at her"have you had children" ."No was her response" but in the end I was greatrful to her for getting me to theatre as my body had given up...I just found her rude, and all my personal bits were at her , and how dare anyone tell them therer too fat to wash and that she was too busy..They were her word, your too fat for me to lift etc..i wanted to strike her down with a hammer when I was in recovery..and then "f**k off -dont touch my body-I ll clean up later " go get a different job. then I was amazed as after that night , the original midwife came down and apologised to me as it was such a bad delivery , and then told me to sleep for ages and let everyone else take over as my blood levels had dropped badly. Anyway, im just gibbering the passed, but when I got better I held my baby -yes, the one that granda joe had put the nappy on back to front and fed her by the ligh tof the moon , knowing that it was never going to be perfect, but Id do all I could.
Anyway, I gibber, but I do lif=e to talk to people that understand-and you are one of them. god I hope your heads okay-is the pain getting better? it usually gets worse once out of specialised care and with the demand sof everyeone that you care for around you, it heightens it all, but just be calm-Dawn - youve been a god send to me. thank you!
Ok, Today was good, apart from the strange man in my house and the facts that I know he had a lady friend over. It make smy blood boil and no sweary word will get through it...i will come to the alergic stuff later...ut this is worse than a hel hole, I cant wait ti hear about new accomodation!
After I went shopping, I came homw with alex?lexi as I call her, and we ate Breschetta-she loved it.had to have true basil though, so we both now stink of raw garlic. Anyway, we had a great day today, together alone-Becca felt a bit miffed, id bought her a dress, but she likes shoes-so she reallly wasnt that happy about it all.
I watched casualty and howled, my girls caught me crying for scotland and asked if I had hayfever again 8-| Brilliant sense of humour there.
My ex knows now that this is it, i feel guilty, i feel like I am the one not strong enough to forgive and I shall never forget my mums words "theres not enough forgiveness in this world", but hey I cant change until I am removed, and change this situation.
Though , on talking to that nurse about my drink isues, I have used it as a magic potion, "drink it away"it wil all be better. i have loads of reasons for thinking this loads. When I studied, If i had a quarter bottle of vodka till 2am. Id get a first...if i didnt Id near fail. I got essay marks from 89 percent to 39 percent. i drank /drink for confidence/to reduce my pls like me, im not horrible, just quiet with a weirdo lazy eye.
Anyway, I want flush you out, thank you for saying that about me, I would like to be a nurse, at some point, I believe that most people deserve the care and attention, and not a flashlight clever decisoin that could lead to magnitudinal errors. Dont get me wrong, I respect doctors, very much, in fact admire them, but I could never ever take that role on-never would want to. Thank goodness for that I hear you say-(she wouldnt be able to see or hear ( ha ha) the herat montior go Bbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooo) .
I remeber when I HA Alex , my first and it was a lon long labour, and then I threw up over one of the midwives..and she was a complete cow. i had the first midwife, and all praise to her.....lol...I remeber everything about it, as mothers do...but she was called R S Mcol-after a sweet shpo ,and she was lovely.then someon called Pamela took over, and she was a horrible b***h. she even told me to harden up. i remeber screaming at her"have you had children" ."No was her response" but in the end I was greatrful to her for getting me to theatre as my body had given up...I just found her rude, and all my personal bits were at her , and how dare anyone tell them therer too fat to wash and that she was too busy..They were her word, your too fat for me to lift etc..i wanted to strike her down with a hammer when I was in recovery..and then "f**k off -dont touch my body-I ll clean up later " go get a different job. then I was amazed as after that night , the original midwife came down and apologised to me as it was such a bad delivery , and then told me to sleep for ages and let everyone else take over as my blood levels had dropped badly. Anyway, im just gibbering the passed, but when I got better I held my baby -yes, the one that granda joe had put the nappy on back to front and fed her by the ligh tof the moon , knowing that it was never going to be perfect, but Id do all I could.
Anyway, I gibber, but I do lif=e to talk to people that understand-and you are one of them. god I hope your heads okay-is the pain getting better? it usually gets worse once out of specialised care and with the demand sof everyeone that you care for around you, it heightens it all, but just be calm-Dawn - youve been a god send to me. thank you!
Hi dawn, I hope your getting there? How is your head? Is it any better?
I remeber when i was ill, as a little girl, I had measles when I was 6, and i rember rolling about , waiting for my mm to come home, as she was the only person who would stroke my head, and liten to my whinning 8-| In away, i feel like this with you-i feel like you are the only person that truly understands.
This morning, my sinuses have stuffed up again, and im feeling dreadful. Ive that gut ache, and feelings of fuguilt( around me) As all i am thinking is how my sister will tell her version of the arguments, and how I knkow my famiy will side with her, as she is lonely. I guess, thats true and it takes the more grown up to apologise.. As much as I want to apologise to her, I do not want to be her beck and call person-NOT ANY MORE!!!! I want to enjoy my children , as I have doen before-but I feel like my family may very well hate me, but in a way I feel like well, they can just carry on, so every part of my body aches, for want of love, and affection-not the sexual type, but just to feel loved, without having to make an effort.
Alex my daughter, she did nearly break through the cement in my head....."mummy I love you, no matter what"......it was the no matter what bit that did it, but theyve gone out now, and I am sitting thinking, why cant I just be happy, everything is all my own making its all my own fault, so perhaps its just an effort, make an effort to be happy, perhaps thats my mistake, perhaps I dont try hard enough to just be happy.
Then I was thinking, I dreally like it if I oculd make someone feel special and good about themselves, and vice versa. have a specila connection, respect and commitment with another man..I just dont think that will ever happen for me...not with this concorde for a nose XD
Then I thnk...Its me, I have to learn to respect myself before doing anything. I know drinking a bottle of wine is bad for me, I know I eat rarely and dont loose any weight, I know i do all these unhealthy things, pop slimming pills, only eat before 12 am. or on a work day after a shift.....I know I do all these daft things, which make me a bizarre mummy..Though I cook for my children , I always have an excuse, sometimes I eat withthem, usually when hes not around, but wewhen hes around, I cant sit at the dinner table.
I dont htink I am suiciadl , but all thse things are missionaries towards a death wish
Ive been feeling so bad this weekend that i havent washed, though today, looked in the mirror and thought,,,who did you used to be...okk, I look much older and have a big belly and a big botom, a lot of wrinkles and scars, but hey I still have hair, so popped it in a french pleat , put my favourite drees on top of my skinny leggings, and wanting to go fo ra jog. Im sure if I could get out and about id come back altogther feeling much better..im sure of it. Im going to give it a whirl today, i dont want to feel like this forever, and I fel like this has gone on foreveer,
Also, I have this gut feeling in the pit of my stomach, but im trying to fight it, by thinking Ive made the deciosion, the girls know all we need now is for it to happen, Im just waiting thow,,,,scared and nervous about how I am going to cope, but nknow the fire bubble burster will pop into my head , when action need be taken. Im just worried Il feel like this...its almost like a physical pain, I dont feel sick though...I hate feeling sick and i dont want to feel sick , so its not like that.. Also , as Ive seen that nurse about my drinking issues,Im just going to carry on with her plan-whatever she tells me to do, illl need to -i wnet their for a reason, and thats despite whatever ahas gone on before. As I am sure there are some woman that have been slapped about, lost relatives suddenly, and been homeless with chidldren and not truned to the bottle. Problem being I did, and I always have -so therefore i do have a problem with alcohol-as I have admittied it, and now want to do it-i guess I should be pproud that Ive got this far instead of hiding behind a bottle or under a duvet. Do you think alcoholism and depression are the same thing??? They are very simialr( I thin ) I meanone hides themselves under a duvet ( been guilty of that too many times) Or one gets to the end of a bottle , crawls to bed and ...like I do thinks.....awe well, My problem with drink stem right back to when i was 14 /15. I nearly lost my mum and sister in a road accident in 3rd year. It was horrible, Ill never forget seeing the written off car on the way to school, and the denial going through my head.
To this day, i renmeber not sleeping the night before that accident.I remebr having that feeling, something is going to heappen-then it did. A few weeks later my aunt died. The I did sh*t in my exams, so come prelim time, went out , got blinding drunk and threw up all over my dads landing, Dada wasnt in, and cops found me hyperthermic and puking,,,,they rang an ambulance and my mum was collected on the way to the hospital, ( she too had beeen drinking) She had to spend hogmany /new years night by my bedside...Apparently they had me naked in a bath of ice cubes...I dont remeber any of it...just the waking up and the "what happened" and my poor mum giving me this scoul.....aw god, and then me saying "were we in a car accident"...oh and another look :-S 8-| Then some guy came down asked me if I had a problem..I was No non nonononononon no no.Ive never drank before, it was an accident :O The thing is I know i wasnt happy when I hit that 2nd bottle of martin and after playing spin the bottle with friends and having fallen asleep, demanding they left me alone...then beeing called a woose and a looser, and being told Id be fine etc...they ( my friends drageed me out) thats when I crawled behind and went "im off to see my dad...puke blah" Puke puke puke,,,oh and that was the days of hot pants , thick tick tights and body suits and DMs...I thnk id got rid of the shell suit stage by then :$ XD Not sure about the acne though. anyway, I always manage to type my self up in the mronings.
I hope your ok......what pain relief are you on for your head. i can imagine what pan your in, almos t like you dont want to move your face one little bit..I know as Ive had eye operations and I split my head open a nearly 2 years ago...ive a scar, and It just misses my left eye. i didnt knkow you had to get seuchars straight away so now I have a gapping scar..I had to go to work with a black eye and this scar for ages, and thats when I decided to rebel..no longer was I going to put make up on and do what I was told...i was going to be comfortable. no longer will i wear heels with a toe so sore, and no longer will i try and be something Im not....This is the thing,,,since the age of 17...drink has been my help out-what if its who i am? What if I simply cannot cope without it? What will happen? Oh anyway...ill leave you in peace...Ive said a bit much there-dont you think.
I remeber when i was ill, as a little girl, I had measles when I was 6, and i rember rolling about , waiting for my mm to come home, as she was the only person who would stroke my head, and liten to my whinning 8-| In away, i feel like this with you-i feel like you are the only person that truly understands.
This morning, my sinuses have stuffed up again, and im feeling dreadful. Ive that gut ache, and feelings of fuguilt( around me) As all i am thinking is how my sister will tell her version of the arguments, and how I knkow my famiy will side with her, as she is lonely. I guess, thats true and it takes the more grown up to apologise.. As much as I want to apologise to her, I do not want to be her beck and call person-NOT ANY MORE!!!! I want to enjoy my children , as I have doen before-but I feel like my family may very well hate me, but in a way I feel like well, they can just carry on, so every part of my body aches, for want of love, and affection-not the sexual type, but just to feel loved, without having to make an effort.
Alex my daughter, she did nearly break through the cement in my head....."mummy I love you, no matter what"......it was the no matter what bit that did it, but theyve gone out now, and I am sitting thinking, why cant I just be happy, everything is all my own making its all my own fault, so perhaps its just an effort, make an effort to be happy, perhaps thats my mistake, perhaps I dont try hard enough to just be happy.
Then I was thinking, I dreally like it if I oculd make someone feel special and good about themselves, and vice versa. have a specila connection, respect and commitment with another man..I just dont think that will ever happen for me...not with this concorde for a nose XD
Then I thnk...Its me, I have to learn to respect myself before doing anything. I know drinking a bottle of wine is bad for me, I know I eat rarely and dont loose any weight, I know i do all these unhealthy things, pop slimming pills, only eat before 12 am. or on a work day after a shift.....I know I do all these daft things, which make me a bizarre mummy..Though I cook for my children , I always have an excuse, sometimes I eat withthem, usually when hes not around, but wewhen hes around, I cant sit at the dinner table.
I dont htink I am suiciadl , but all thse things are missionaries towards a death wish
Ive been feeling so bad this weekend that i havent washed, though today, looked in the mirror and thought,,,who did you used to be...okk, I look much older and have a big belly and a big botom, a lot of wrinkles and scars, but hey I still have hair, so popped it in a french pleat , put my favourite drees on top of my skinny leggings, and wanting to go fo ra jog. Im sure if I could get out and about id come back altogther feeling much better..im sure of it. Im going to give it a whirl today, i dont want to feel like this forever, and I fel like this has gone on foreveer,
Also, I have this gut feeling in the pit of my stomach, but im trying to fight it, by thinking Ive made the deciosion, the girls know all we need now is for it to happen, Im just waiting thow,,,,scared and nervous about how I am going to cope, but nknow the fire bubble burster will pop into my head , when action need be taken. Im just worried Il feel like this...its almost like a physical pain, I dont feel sick though...I hate feeling sick and i dont want to feel sick , so its not like that.. Also , as Ive seen that nurse about my drinking issues,Im just going to carry on with her plan-whatever she tells me to do, illl need to -i wnet their for a reason, and thats despite whatever ahas gone on before. As I am sure there are some woman that have been slapped about, lost relatives suddenly, and been homeless with chidldren and not truned to the bottle. Problem being I did, and I always have -so therefore i do have a problem with alcohol-as I have admittied it, and now want to do it-i guess I should be pproud that Ive got this far instead of hiding behind a bottle or under a duvet. Do you think alcoholism and depression are the same thing??? They are very simialr( I thin ) I meanone hides themselves under a duvet ( been guilty of that too many times) Or one gets to the end of a bottle , crawls to bed and ...like I do thinks.....awe well, My problem with drink stem right back to when i was 14 /15. I nearly lost my mum and sister in a road accident in 3rd year. It was horrible, Ill never forget seeing the written off car on the way to school, and the denial going through my head.
To this day, i renmeber not sleeping the night before that accident.I remebr having that feeling, something is going to heappen-then it did. A few weeks later my aunt died. The I did sh*t in my exams, so come prelim time, went out , got blinding drunk and threw up all over my dads landing, Dada wasnt in, and cops found me hyperthermic and puking,,,,they rang an ambulance and my mum was collected on the way to the hospital, ( she too had beeen drinking) She had to spend hogmany /new years night by my bedside...Apparently they had me naked in a bath of ice cubes...I dont remeber any of it...just the waking up and the "what happened" and my poor mum giving me this scoul.....aw god, and then me saying "were we in a car accident"...oh and another look :-S 8-| Then some guy came down asked me if I had a problem..I was No non nonononononon no no.Ive never drank before, it was an accident :O The thing is I know i wasnt happy when I hit that 2nd bottle of martin and after playing spin the bottle with friends and having fallen asleep, demanding they left me alone...then beeing called a woose and a looser, and being told Id be fine etc...they ( my friends drageed me out) thats when I crawled behind and went "im off to see my dad...puke blah" Puke puke puke,,,oh and that was the days of hot pants , thick tick tights and body suits and DMs...I thnk id got rid of the shell suit stage by then :$ XD Not sure about the acne though. anyway, I always manage to type my self up in the mronings.
I hope your ok......what pain relief are you on for your head. i can imagine what pan your in, almos t like you dont want to move your face one little bit..I know as Ive had eye operations and I split my head open a nearly 2 years ago...ive a scar, and It just misses my left eye. i didnt knkow you had to get seuchars straight away so now I have a gapping scar..I had to go to work with a black eye and this scar for ages, and thats when I decided to rebel..no longer was I going to put make up on and do what I was told...i was going to be comfortable. no longer will i wear heels with a toe so sore, and no longer will i try and be something Im not....This is the thing,,,since the age of 17...drink has been my help out-what if its who i am? What if I simply cannot cope without it? What will happen? Oh anyway...ill leave you in peace...Ive said a bit much there-dont you think.
Hi Dawn-I went out :-D :-D :-D :-D Made it to tthe chemist-guess what I bought-hair dye. Then bought some juice as i started to feel really dizzie, I cant even look left.right to crossroads, Anyway, made it home and never cuddled a lampost but jusce fizzed up, a big fountain everywherer. Instead of thinking about my clohtes etc...I think..oh sh*t that will stain the pavement. Right might go and dye my har its darker so that my roots can taper out.
Awe, sorry to moan on, but my nose and ears ahave clogged up again. Got the Beconase out-that stuff has never worked. Stil isnt working. Blow my nose. Ex stated that if i keep blowing "my brains will fall out' Oh well, thats nice at least he thinks I have some XD XD
Anyway, if im like this tomorrow I might do something about it. Im sure the news was the pollen count was diminishing-not the other way around %-)
Anyway, if im like this tomorrow I might do something about it. Im sure the news was the pollen count was diminishing-not the other way around %-)
Did you read the allergy symptoms link? EVERYTHING you state sounds like an allergy of some sort! My husband and eldest boy always have stuffy noses and sinus pains. They went to a Allergy Specialist and they had those little pin pricks on their arms with different items, grass, sulfur, dander, dust, pollen etc. And you should see what they are allergic too! And then they can avoid them ! I really think - on top of being overwhelmed of course - that you have something else going on. When I looked at the symptoms All I thought of was "Does this sound like our Katy or what?!!!" So tommorrow get your doctor to send you to an Allergy specialist! Who knows you COULD be allergic to JERKS!!!!! LOL ;-) XD XD
The unknown is scary Katy! But it's a HELL of lot less scary than being with a man who is violent, abusive in EVERY sense, and doesn't value you! That is Soul destroying!!!
Heads a banging I'll talk to you tommorrow! Dawn
The unknown is scary Katy! But it's a HELL of lot less scary than being with a man who is violent, abusive in EVERY sense, and doesn't value you! That is Soul destroying!!!
Heads a banging I'll talk to you tommorrow! Dawn
Hi Dawn. I hope your head is getting better/?????
I dont know whats up with me today. Im still all itchy, and everytime I thought( go see the doc) i thought nope! i cant! I dont know what it is-I want to be entirely on ly own-I feel more outof control than ever. i cant cry, I feel like I just do not know what i am doing.
I am still taking citalopram, and Ive only 4 tabs left, i dont know if Ive still to take this stuff, when I start, if i have to start that other stuff, thats kinda why I am putting it off! The side effects from that antabuse look grim :-( I cant imagine me being that good after having ben so bad for so long- i dont know if I could do 6 months on a pill that makes you vomit at the slightest drop of ethanol. For me that sound hurrendous. Then there is this other stuff called beclofen-which is a muscle relaxant and is used for patients who have had srokes or suffer with mutiple sclerosis-that sounds dangerous ( if you ask me!) But then when I think what a mess Im in, I think just do it. ive to go back on the 11th, when the nurse at this alcohol place will stop assessing me and a decision will be made ( i think thats whats happening) and because i will see her then, i dont want to pester my GP again! feel like such a pest
I came home from work , this place was a mess. Hes been off fora while, and I couldnt even look, and when I look at him, and think about my life, and i cant think about any of it-I get upset with the facts that I was good enough to have children with, but not very good for anything else. It is soul destroying. I don tlook n the miror and think I look okay today, or what not, I look in the mirror trying to work out what the hell it is that I am 8-| Sometimes I cant even face the mirrors.
Mum rang yesterday , stating that she wants me and my sister to make up. She wants me to phone her, to break the ice and apologise. i cant tell any of my family memebers whats going on with me, esopecially my mum, she would never understand, and my dad and sister would exclaim that my behaviour is normal, so id be between a rock and a hard place again. i need to make my own decisions, but it feels like someone has built a huge brick wall right in front of me and I can hear voices talking about me from the other side of the wall, that is so high it never ends.
These drugs that have not yet been given to me , but are being suggested, scare the hell out of me, and the questionof whethter I could do it, and that antabuse one makes you vomit if you so much as practicallly have a drop as it messes up your enzymes. That doesnt sound like fun 8-| And waht about my seperation party????Though things on that score have come to a complete standstill. Its strange though how I cuold never see my self happily married, and never ssee myself in bought property or a decent job. Yup!! i seen no future and I guess thats why I problematically drink everynight....though knowing its just making me iller and problems willl remain even if I end the bottle. dawn I aint my chirpy self today I mean, i was looking out the window earlier and thinking 8-| :-S what about christmas???
Lol, on my way to work got the panic , though i am getting better at contorolling it, so told me not to go off on one , and like a complete doeball, had to wlk on the grass just to ease my mind ( at least if i colapse here) it want be such a sore landing...honestly, had to wlk really slowly and focus noly on myipod, as if I took my attention of my ipod the world spins on all different directions, I loose my balcance and get stuck, I must admit, you know it remids me of my girls taking there first steps, like theyve got their nappy on and legs are miles apart...yes, thats me when it happens now.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me . i hope you are getting better-youve not said, is your head still banging-can you get anymore pain relief
I dont know whats up with me today. Im still all itchy, and everytime I thought( go see the doc) i thought nope! i cant! I dont know what it is-I want to be entirely on ly own-I feel more outof control than ever. i cant cry, I feel like I just do not know what i am doing.
I am still taking citalopram, and Ive only 4 tabs left, i dont know if Ive still to take this stuff, when I start, if i have to start that other stuff, thats kinda why I am putting it off! The side effects from that antabuse look grim :-( I cant imagine me being that good after having ben so bad for so long- i dont know if I could do 6 months on a pill that makes you vomit at the slightest drop of ethanol. For me that sound hurrendous. Then there is this other stuff called beclofen-which is a muscle relaxant and is used for patients who have had srokes or suffer with mutiple sclerosis-that sounds dangerous ( if you ask me!) But then when I think what a mess Im in, I think just do it. ive to go back on the 11th, when the nurse at this alcohol place will stop assessing me and a decision will be made ( i think thats whats happening) and because i will see her then, i dont want to pester my GP again! feel like such a pest
I came home from work , this place was a mess. Hes been off fora while, and I couldnt even look, and when I look at him, and think about my life, and i cant think about any of it-I get upset with the facts that I was good enough to have children with, but not very good for anything else. It is soul destroying. I don tlook n the miror and think I look okay today, or what not, I look in the mirror trying to work out what the hell it is that I am 8-| Sometimes I cant even face the mirrors.
Mum rang yesterday , stating that she wants me and my sister to make up. She wants me to phone her, to break the ice and apologise. i cant tell any of my family memebers whats going on with me, esopecially my mum, she would never understand, and my dad and sister would exclaim that my behaviour is normal, so id be between a rock and a hard place again. i need to make my own decisions, but it feels like someone has built a huge brick wall right in front of me and I can hear voices talking about me from the other side of the wall, that is so high it never ends.
These drugs that have not yet been given to me , but are being suggested, scare the hell out of me, and the questionof whethter I could do it, and that antabuse one makes you vomit if you so much as practicallly have a drop as it messes up your enzymes. That doesnt sound like fun 8-| And waht about my seperation party????Though things on that score have come to a complete standstill. Its strange though how I cuold never see my self happily married, and never ssee myself in bought property or a decent job. Yup!! i seen no future and I guess thats why I problematically drink everynight....though knowing its just making me iller and problems willl remain even if I end the bottle. dawn I aint my chirpy self today I mean, i was looking out the window earlier and thinking 8-| :-S what about christmas???
Lol, on my way to work got the panic , though i am getting better at contorolling it, so told me not to go off on one , and like a complete doeball, had to wlk on the grass just to ease my mind ( at least if i colapse here) it want be such a sore landing...honestly, had to wlk really slowly and focus noly on myipod, as if I took my attention of my ipod the world spins on all different directions, I loose my balcance and get stuck, I must admit, you know it remids me of my girls taking there first steps, like theyve got their nappy on and legs are miles apart...yes, thats me when it happens now.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me . i hope you are getting better-youve not said, is your head still banging-can you get anymore pain relief
My stitches are infected, BUT unlike you I WILL be going to the doctors tommorrow to get it looked at!!!!!! You drive me NUTS do you know that? 8-| 8-| ;-) You have 4 pills left, you can't just go off them, they can mess with your system. ALSO the antabuse is to STOP you from drinking! It's not a death sentence, you will be able to stop them and continue on with your life but be more in control!!! I'm on muscle relaxants, you just have to be careful not to drink anything while you're on them! So that's what this is for. You NEED to get checked up on by your doctor, and get an allergy test, so you are all better! You need to be looked at as a whole, not as something here and there! Tell him what I sent you about the allergies, you HAVE to have all of these things documented - INCLUDING getting help for your drinking! I KNOW it's easier to stay on something that can take all the problems away for a minute! BUT I also know that this can lead to REALLY REALLY big problems!
When I was at the height of my addiction, and my husband and I were basically seperated! He mentioned once about taking the kids with him!!!!!! o.O And I knew that I didn't have a leg to stand on, because I was a complete and utter addict! And this will happen to you too Katy! IF you go against doctors and nurses advice, like I said to you before, you WILL be considered non compliant! Which is HUGE!!! It means that you are a true addict whom refuses to get better for her children! Even though he drinks, he doesn't have anything on record of him being an alcoholic. You KNOW and I KNOW and everyone else KNOWS that you ARE an alcoholic! I know it sucks, but that is just what it is! You have to get control now, so when everything sorts itself out, there will be no recourse from him, and then you will be able to drink on the appropriate occaisions. I was an alcoholic for over 10 years! And I stopped for my kids, because my dad was a VIOLENT alchy! And there was NO way I was going to put my kids through that!
You NEED to get over this jerk Katy - I know that's easier said than done because he is still in the house - he has done NOTHING for you except give you 2 lovely girls! YOU have done the rest! He is as useless as a boil on my you know what!!!!! So get the hell out of there and let him rot in this place. Several years ago, I left my husband - because he cheated on me! I took my 16 month old son and moved out into my parents basement it was HELL! But I LEFT so I didn't have to stay one more minute with this guy in MY place! I was renting the apartment for years before he moved in and it was I that needed to leave it! When we got back together - bascially because I hated every minute with my parents - I said, there was NO way I could go back to the apartment, because it had too many memories for me! So I found the place we are in now, and I was perfectly willing to stay here by myself! Find out from the Aid place IF you still have to pay HIS bills, I don't think it is right that you are spending YOUR money on his bills. There has to be something they can do about this!
There is a LOT of good things to look forward too when you get away from this id**t Katy! You keep thinking that THIS IS IT!!! It's NOT!!!! You have already started the ball rolling and it will soon be the next step! So stop thinking that your future is over it ISN'T, it is just beginning! But you can't sit there and let it all fall apart! Because if you just think to yourself "NA! I can't be bothered today, I will just not go to this or that.....etc." Then EVERYTHING WILL come apart! So stop it!!! And get to the doctor and get on the phone to the council or whatever it is and find out where you stand. And tell the doctor you need to be tested for allergies, and get the help you need!
Don't cook one more thing for this A..hole!!! Don't do 1 more thing for him! HE is on his OWN!! You just do what's best for you and the girls, and forget your sister and your mother right now! They know you are having a hard time, and that you are the one to keep crapping on! It's classic! So just ignore all of them! And when this is all sorted out THEN you can talk to your sister and mother! I think it IS about time you told them everything that is going on! And tell them to back off!! If you can't say it, write it down and send them each a letter! You need to be treated like a frickin human being, AND you need to start treating yourself like a human being too! You act and talk about yourself like your some useless door mat! And that you deserve all of this S...!!!! You DON'T!!! You have to stop making excuses for everyone elses behaviour AND yours! You don't know what's going on with you! I have given you several thoughts, and who knows 1 of them might be actually what's happening with you! But for some reason you don't want to bring them up to your doctor, you hide the truth from him about your bruises and ribs!!!!! And because of that, there is NO documentation of what might have happened to you! So you can NEVER rehash that! IF you don't stand up for yourself who WILL?!!! If you don't get help for yourself who WILL? And if you don't do something about your future who WILL? You have taken the 1st hardest step right? So now keep going!!!!! Because if you don't you will be stuck! You will be stuck with that BUM!! In this LIFE! That ISN'T what you deserve, or NEED! So go to the docotrs and get tested! Take the meds that you are prescribed! And start getting back control Katy! I am sure he still thinks you aren't strong enough to do it, and I'm sure that you don't think you are either! BUT you are, you have to continue for you and the girls! And when you are out of this c**p, you will be able to focus on getting more education or looking into different things to improve your life!
Obviously I'm having a bad day today! And I dont' want to come across as I'm attacking you, BUT I am!!! ;-) XD You and I are cyber friends, so I am going to treat you as I would my face to face friends. I tell them what they need to hear and sometimes what they don't want to hear! So get to the docs, dont' run out of the pills - this is a BAD thing, talk to him about if they are helping you or not. And talk to him about everything else. STOP thinking you are a boil to him! You are his patient! and he wants to help you! End of story! He's not your enemy!
I will talk to you tommorrow, as I'm getting my stitches out and he's going to be looking at my head! I hope you get to the doctors too!
Dawn
When I was at the height of my addiction, and my husband and I were basically seperated! He mentioned once about taking the kids with him!!!!!! o.O And I knew that I didn't have a leg to stand on, because I was a complete and utter addict! And this will happen to you too Katy! IF you go against doctors and nurses advice, like I said to you before, you WILL be considered non compliant! Which is HUGE!!! It means that you are a true addict whom refuses to get better for her children! Even though he drinks, he doesn't have anything on record of him being an alcoholic. You KNOW and I KNOW and everyone else KNOWS that you ARE an alcoholic! I know it sucks, but that is just what it is! You have to get control now, so when everything sorts itself out, there will be no recourse from him, and then you will be able to drink on the appropriate occaisions. I was an alcoholic for over 10 years! And I stopped for my kids, because my dad was a VIOLENT alchy! And there was NO way I was going to put my kids through that!
You NEED to get over this jerk Katy - I know that's easier said than done because he is still in the house - he has done NOTHING for you except give you 2 lovely girls! YOU have done the rest! He is as useless as a boil on my you know what!!!!! So get the hell out of there and let him rot in this place. Several years ago, I left my husband - because he cheated on me! I took my 16 month old son and moved out into my parents basement it was HELL! But I LEFT so I didn't have to stay one more minute with this guy in MY place! I was renting the apartment for years before he moved in and it was I that needed to leave it! When we got back together - bascially because I hated every minute with my parents - I said, there was NO way I could go back to the apartment, because it had too many memories for me! So I found the place we are in now, and I was perfectly willing to stay here by myself! Find out from the Aid place IF you still have to pay HIS bills, I don't think it is right that you are spending YOUR money on his bills. There has to be something they can do about this!
There is a LOT of good things to look forward too when you get away from this id**t Katy! You keep thinking that THIS IS IT!!! It's NOT!!!! You have already started the ball rolling and it will soon be the next step! So stop thinking that your future is over it ISN'T, it is just beginning! But you can't sit there and let it all fall apart! Because if you just think to yourself "NA! I can't be bothered today, I will just not go to this or that.....etc." Then EVERYTHING WILL come apart! So stop it!!! And get to the doctor and get on the phone to the council or whatever it is and find out where you stand. And tell the doctor you need to be tested for allergies, and get the help you need!
Don't cook one more thing for this A..hole!!! Don't do 1 more thing for him! HE is on his OWN!! You just do what's best for you and the girls, and forget your sister and your mother right now! They know you are having a hard time, and that you are the one to keep crapping on! It's classic! So just ignore all of them! And when this is all sorted out THEN you can talk to your sister and mother! I think it IS about time you told them everything that is going on! And tell them to back off!! If you can't say it, write it down and send them each a letter! You need to be treated like a frickin human being, AND you need to start treating yourself like a human being too! You act and talk about yourself like your some useless door mat! And that you deserve all of this S...!!!! You DON'T!!! You have to stop making excuses for everyone elses behaviour AND yours! You don't know what's going on with you! I have given you several thoughts, and who knows 1 of them might be actually what's happening with you! But for some reason you don't want to bring them up to your doctor, you hide the truth from him about your bruises and ribs!!!!! And because of that, there is NO documentation of what might have happened to you! So you can NEVER rehash that! IF you don't stand up for yourself who WILL?!!! If you don't get help for yourself who WILL? And if you don't do something about your future who WILL? You have taken the 1st hardest step right? So now keep going!!!!! Because if you don't you will be stuck! You will be stuck with that BUM!! In this LIFE! That ISN'T what you deserve, or NEED! So go to the docotrs and get tested! Take the meds that you are prescribed! And start getting back control Katy! I am sure he still thinks you aren't strong enough to do it, and I'm sure that you don't think you are either! BUT you are, you have to continue for you and the girls! And when you are out of this c**p, you will be able to focus on getting more education or looking into different things to improve your life!
Obviously I'm having a bad day today! And I dont' want to come across as I'm attacking you, BUT I am!!! ;-) XD You and I are cyber friends, so I am going to treat you as I would my face to face friends. I tell them what they need to hear and sometimes what they don't want to hear! So get to the docs, dont' run out of the pills - this is a BAD thing, talk to him about if they are helping you or not. And talk to him about everything else. STOP thinking you are a boil to him! You are his patient! and he wants to help you! End of story! He's not your enemy!
I will talk to you tommorrow, as I'm getting my stitches out and he's going to be looking at my head! I hope you get to the doctors too!
Dawn
Hope the stitches come out with great ease!
Ive been sleeping a lot lately-went to bed at 1045pm last night, woke at 5am, best nights sleep in ages.
I hope the infection isnt too bad.
You opened my mind up a bit. I guess I totally blame myself for being an alcoholic-and so feel less deserving, I feel ashamed by it/
Ive been going to bed with tissues saturated in Olbas. Its helping a little with the sinus pain , and i dont knkkow , for some bizarre reason, when I breathe that stuff in, it helps me relax
Anyway, ill take your advice and make an appointment, probably want be able to get one for a while though.
Hope today goes well for you. take care.
Ive been sleeping a lot lately-went to bed at 1045pm last night, woke at 5am, best nights sleep in ages.
I hope the infection isnt too bad.
You opened my mind up a bit. I guess I totally blame myself for being an alcoholic-and so feel less deserving, I feel ashamed by it/
Ive been going to bed with tissues saturated in Olbas. Its helping a little with the sinus pain , and i dont knkkow , for some bizarre reason, when I breathe that stuff in, it helps me relax
Anyway, ill take your advice and make an appointment, probably want be able to get one for a while though.
Hope today goes well for you. take care.
Hi dawn, your probably n a lot of discomfort - I hope youre not and things went well for you today.
Ive made anappointment, and I may list my worries before going, as usually I forget to sayd , but I am one for thinking -go only when really necessary, mind you, Ive been going for 2 or so years, and even though I think this, I do manage it i, in the end.
Ive had better days than today, but hey Im doing better than yesterday-even though I found some of what you say a little bit ( not much ) harsh-it showed and proved you cared ( not that that is what I am looking for0
Theres so many tings here to be dealt with , that I am finding iit hard, especially with the children being off school, but hey, thats life. i am constatnly worrying about my sisiter at the moment, feeling guilty etc. I still think though , that she too is an adult and if she were that upset , shed ring me.
Anyway, I hope it went okay for you at the doctors. Sometimes I just cant believe what a state Ive become, and other times i think just deal with it-do it for the girls. this is the thing, i can never have enough respect to simply do it for myself. maybe that will come in time. Ok, Ill say cheerie bye for now, and take care.
Ive made anappointment, and I may list my worries before going, as usually I forget to sayd , but I am one for thinking -go only when really necessary, mind you, Ive been going for 2 or so years, and even though I think this, I do manage it i, in the end.
Ive had better days than today, but hey Im doing better than yesterday-even though I found some of what you say a little bit ( not much ) harsh-it showed and proved you cared ( not that that is what I am looking for0
Theres so many tings here to be dealt with , that I am finding iit hard, especially with the children being off school, but hey, thats life. i am constatnly worrying about my sisiter at the moment, feeling guilty etc. I still think though , that she too is an adult and if she were that upset , shed ring me.
Anyway, I hope it went okay for you at the doctors. Sometimes I just cant believe what a state Ive become, and other times i think just deal with it-do it for the girls. this is the thing, i can never have enough respect to simply do it for myself. maybe that will come in time. Ok, Ill say cheerie bye for now, and take care.
Hi Katy: Heads a pounding! I know I came off harsh, and if I upset you I'm sorry! :-( You know that expression about taking your own medicine? Well that's how I feel with you! I've been there - still go through it from time to time - so I am shaking you to do what I EVENTUALLY did, I'm giving you the "medicine" that I didn't take! Do you understand? It has taken me YEARS to become like I am today, and I know I'm pushing you, but you and I are SO similar it is weird! So I think or your situation as if I'm looking back and reading through one of my diaries!!! I am saying to you - who is a younger me - what someone should have said to me! I had parents, ESPECIALLY my mother, who thought I was getting what I deserved, and would NEVER support me or give me pat on the back! I had a dad who was oblivious to the actual torment I was going through, and a sister who only - and still does - thinks about herself!
When I left me husband when he cheated on me, I was on the phone one day with an old friend of mine who has known me for 25 years!!! And I was going on and on about wow is me! And she said "WHERE is my Dawn ......?!!!" I said "what do you mean?" she said "Dawn ...... would NEVER have taken this S...!!! she would NEVER have let a man treat her so badly and become a door mat!!!" And even though I felt like I was slapped in the face, it was the best thing anyone could have said to me! When I hung up from her, I thought "Where have I gone?! What has happened to the old me!?" So I decided to get my old self back and that was the end of it! I was living in my parents basement with a 16 month old, and thought "RIGHT ENOUGH!!! I'm getting my life back and if he doesn't like it he can leave for good!" So I started going out with my friends, I started being the person that I used to like! And eventually I started liking myself enough to NOT take anymore c**p!!! In fact, my husband and I splitting was one of the best things that happened to me! All of a sudden he started talking to me better etc. Then when I injured myself and was classed as disabled, that's when I let him start talking to me like c**p again - because I was down on myself! Once again I had to climb out of that mess and reclaim myself! And I did! I just want you to be there that's all Katy! I want you to feel like the woman you are! NOT what he and your family define you as!!! Because that is NOT a woman, it's a doormat! And when others define you as that, you start feeling that way too! RIGHT? And then you allow it and it become a viscious cycle you can't get off!
WRITE down all the main things with you - for the doctor - the itchiness, the sniffles, the dizziness, headaches, wobbily eyes etc. And bring up about allergies and being tested, I bet you'ld be surprised at what you're actually alergic too. My eldest son has a list an arm long! My husband is alergic to Pig Weed!!! And we're like - where the heck is pig weed found!!! - so you might be too - alergic to a PIG that is ;-) So no more thinking you are a pariaha OK? You are a woman, and a mother, that needs some help and some answers! That's it!
So I will talk to you tommorrow! And feel better OK?
When I left me husband when he cheated on me, I was on the phone one day with an old friend of mine who has known me for 25 years!!! And I was going on and on about wow is me! And she said "WHERE is my Dawn ......?!!!" I said "what do you mean?" she said "Dawn ...... would NEVER have taken this S...!!! she would NEVER have let a man treat her so badly and become a door mat!!!" And even though I felt like I was slapped in the face, it was the best thing anyone could have said to me! When I hung up from her, I thought "Where have I gone?! What has happened to the old me!?" So I decided to get my old self back and that was the end of it! I was living in my parents basement with a 16 month old, and thought "RIGHT ENOUGH!!! I'm getting my life back and if he doesn't like it he can leave for good!" So I started going out with my friends, I started being the person that I used to like! And eventually I started liking myself enough to NOT take anymore c**p!!! In fact, my husband and I splitting was one of the best things that happened to me! All of a sudden he started talking to me better etc. Then when I injured myself and was classed as disabled, that's when I let him start talking to me like c**p again - because I was down on myself! Once again I had to climb out of that mess and reclaim myself! And I did! I just want you to be there that's all Katy! I want you to feel like the woman you are! NOT what he and your family define you as!!! Because that is NOT a woman, it's a doormat! And when others define you as that, you start feeling that way too! RIGHT? And then you allow it and it become a viscious cycle you can't get off!
WRITE down all the main things with you - for the doctor - the itchiness, the sniffles, the dizziness, headaches, wobbily eyes etc. And bring up about allergies and being tested, I bet you'ld be surprised at what you're actually alergic too. My eldest son has a list an arm long! My husband is alergic to Pig Weed!!! And we're like - where the heck is pig weed found!!! - so you might be too - alergic to a PIG that is ;-) So no more thinking you are a pariaha OK? You are a woman, and a mother, that needs some help and some answers! That's it!
So I will talk to you tommorrow! And feel better OK?
Hi Dawn. Sorry to hear your heads still pounding. my ears are muddled-but nothing like the physical pain your in. Dont you think its strange that physical pain , just like mental issues go hand in hand, as when your in pain, a mental state is easily triggered, and when you have mental issues , pain is easily set into action. Anyway, I waffle.
Im in a bit of a mood today, a bit annoyed about his control, about everyones control. I get upset that everyone thinks its ok to boos me about and tell me what to do night and day with the children. I guess thats apart of everything.
My children have just received mail, from my sister, and the letter read."Hope tyou can share this outside the flat"...really, I know shes trying to be nice to my girls etc, but sorry a bat anda a ball and a manipulative little letter. That sounds like Im being a b***h, such a b***h :-( :'( Beca rang her, and suggested that we could both apologise, her response was "Nah", and guess whose crying :'( :'( :'( :'( Bloody me!
anyway, what is the point, a saw her through a relationship breakdown at christmas , Ive seen her through so much , and yes, i know I seem selfish here, but like I said to her, I couldnt just drop everything, I feel tooo insecure and I want to be near my children, ( youd think shed understand that!). and I know it sounds sselfishand horrible, but theres nothing i can do about her ex, and it was her ex, not someone -oh doesnt matter what I say-I seem like a b***h. But I do sympathise and some empathy for her as I have lost a few friends to suicide. One hung himself when Alex was 3 years old, another jumped from a high place and broke his neck, took 2 weeks to die, so I do know a bit about how she must be feeling, so I do feel guilty and a bit of a b***h.
I have to ring CAB today, i was working yesterday and forgot I had an appointment with them. Ive so many appointments with so many different things, and birthday parties and things in between t, that i cant kep on top of it, even if I write it onte a calendar. its a big mess. I feel like, I want someone to put me to sleep for a long time, and just be woken up by a prince, who could just solve it all for me 8-| XD XD Oh dear , guess whose watched snow white too many times. its my favourite, next to Lady and the Tramp...Im so mad about snow whit I have all 7 dwarfs in my living room, on my book shelve, insteda of books XD Ok, Im going to get kids there uniform today. Money is sifting between my fingers and its freightening me.
The children are expecting a new cousin in the next few days, his brother is having a baby with another woman, yet my children were practically brought up with his exs children, their cousins(its mad) I just dread the extended family ting. My own famil is a mess and has messed up may heads , why I hate this change, ok, ill b****r off now, maybe its pmt, but I am better thanbefore, before I felt like I was walking around with a carving knife sticking out my stomach. Dont know if you get that, but thats how it felt, from time to time.
Anyway, Ive now given me a pounding headache! Like you say, I need to stop being a doormat for others to wip their sh1 T on XD Sometimes thats exactly how I feel, and then get so pushed under, the dirt turns to sinking sand. anyway, id better go, take care and look after your head!!! did they say how long it would take o heal, and what is your next treatment?
Im in a bit of a mood today, a bit annoyed about his control, about everyones control. I get upset that everyone thinks its ok to boos me about and tell me what to do night and day with the children. I guess thats apart of everything.
My children have just received mail, from my sister, and the letter read."Hope tyou can share this outside the flat"...really, I know shes trying to be nice to my girls etc, but sorry a bat anda a ball and a manipulative little letter. That sounds like Im being a b***h, such a b***h :-( :'( Beca rang her, and suggested that we could both apologise, her response was "Nah", and guess whose crying :'( :'( :'( :'( Bloody me!
anyway, what is the point, a saw her through a relationship breakdown at christmas , Ive seen her through so much , and yes, i know I seem selfish here, but like I said to her, I couldnt just drop everything, I feel tooo insecure and I want to be near my children, ( youd think shed understand that!). and I know it sounds sselfishand horrible, but theres nothing i can do about her ex, and it was her ex, not someone -oh doesnt matter what I say-I seem like a b***h. But I do sympathise and some empathy for her as I have lost a few friends to suicide. One hung himself when Alex was 3 years old, another jumped from a high place and broke his neck, took 2 weeks to die, so I do know a bit about how she must be feeling, so I do feel guilty and a bit of a b***h.
I have to ring CAB today, i was working yesterday and forgot I had an appointment with them. Ive so many appointments with so many different things, and birthday parties and things in between t, that i cant kep on top of it, even if I write it onte a calendar. its a big mess. I feel like, I want someone to put me to sleep for a long time, and just be woken up by a prince, who could just solve it all for me 8-| XD XD Oh dear , guess whose watched snow white too many times. its my favourite, next to Lady and the Tramp...Im so mad about snow whit I have all 7 dwarfs in my living room, on my book shelve, insteda of books XD Ok, Im going to get kids there uniform today. Money is sifting between my fingers and its freightening me.
The children are expecting a new cousin in the next few days, his brother is having a baby with another woman, yet my children were practically brought up with his exs children, their cousins(its mad) I just dread the extended family ting. My own famil is a mess and has messed up may heads , why I hate this change, ok, ill b****r off now, maybe its pmt, but I am better thanbefore, before I felt like I was walking around with a carving knife sticking out my stomach. Dont know if you get that, but thats how it felt, from time to time.
Anyway, Ive now given me a pounding headache! Like you say, I need to stop being a doormat for others to wip their sh1 T on XD Sometimes thats exactly how I feel, and then get so pushed under, the dirt turns to sinking sand. anyway, id better go, take care and look after your head!!! did they say how long it would take o heal, and what is your next treatment?
Dawn-Truly, ihope you are ok-I wish I could say good, but obviously with stiches in your heas , your not going to be.
I tried to make back up with my sister-il benefit there. I feel grief strucken by her actions.
Anyway, my mum ( is still talking to me) I was about to tell her about my affair with alcohol-maybe another date then?
My mums taking the girls away this weekend, i dont want to go, as I cant handle playing-if you know what I mean!
Hes askes "when is this antabuse thing going to start ( etc) as he drinks his beer! Ive stated next week( Blah blah) I cant see me doin well on it with im around ) sh*t! I know I have a problem, but ts not completely dyfunctional....though I have to get better. In away, Id secretly like to be put under medical supevision, so that the medics could undrestand better, but I cant cause of the girls and my mother.
Dont get me wrong, I love my mum, always have-but Im thinking maybe if I could tell her, shed support me-but then scared in case she turns a dissapointing eye. My mum isnt like that though, but with me she kinda is. i I dispear, as ive disappointed her so much, why more?
Im sure she know ive a drinl problem, she screamed at me one day when picking up the kids.."You stink"blah blah! So I dont know maybe-If icould speak with her, in connfidence, maybe it would help. I dont see a drink problem any different than an eating disorder or an emotional disorde-but she may?
Thats my point though, I drink so I dont have to eat, and it takes the pain away, I relax and forget or feel great inside.Eating makes me feel dirty. Dont get me wrong I eat, just not very much! I bloody welll look like I eat though. Im curvy. anyway, thats enough about me. I hope your okay, Ie not hear from you today-but hey hun, thats ok too, if your ill your illIdf I vomit, i dont comunicate, so here is hoping your stong. dawn your my best cyber mate ever, luv ya!Katy
I tried to make back up with my sister-il benefit there. I feel grief strucken by her actions.
Anyway, my mum ( is still talking to me) I was about to tell her about my affair with alcohol-maybe another date then?
My mums taking the girls away this weekend, i dont want to go, as I cant handle playing-if you know what I mean!
Hes askes "when is this antabuse thing going to start ( etc) as he drinks his beer! Ive stated next week( Blah blah) I cant see me doin well on it with im around ) sh*t! I know I have a problem, but ts not completely dyfunctional....though I have to get better. In away, Id secretly like to be put under medical supevision, so that the medics could undrestand better, but I cant cause of the girls and my mother.
Dont get me wrong, I love my mum, always have-but Im thinking maybe if I could tell her, shed support me-but then scared in case she turns a dissapointing eye. My mum isnt like that though, but with me she kinda is. i I dispear, as ive disappointed her so much, why more?
Im sure she know ive a drinl problem, she screamed at me one day when picking up the kids.."You stink"blah blah! So I dont know maybe-If icould speak with her, in connfidence, maybe it would help. I dont see a drink problem any different than an eating disorder or an emotional disorde-but she may?
Thats my point though, I drink so I dont have to eat, and it takes the pain away, I relax and forget or feel great inside.Eating makes me feel dirty. Dont get me wrong I eat, just not very much! I bloody welll look like I eat though. Im curvy. anyway, thats enough about me. I hope your okay, Ie not hear from you today-but hey hun, thats ok too, if your ill your illIdf I vomit, i dont comunicate, so here is hoping your stong. dawn your my best cyber mate ever, luv ya!Katy
Katy! You DON'T have to explain to ME of all people why you drink! I know you need to numb things etc. BUT what I'm telling you is this honey! This drug ISN'T for ever, it is to prove to everyone NOW!! And i promise you when you're all better you WILL not be so inclined to drink I PROMISE!!!! So just go along with everything OK? And it just shows everyone that you are COMPLYING!!!
dawn- I know you are 100% correct. I ned to ( iw ish it felt that easy) "just go along with it"-Im scared! Scared of everything. O what hes done, more importantly what I have done and not done.My main worry though, is how I will deal with my family/mum/dad/sister :$ Its the criticisms from them that hurt more than the rest. Anyway, ok ok, i will give it my best shot.
I dont know have you heard of this Becafonel stuff? Im worried as from some of the stuffIve read from the internet, is , is it makes you turned on. The last thing I need its to be high and gagging on it XD XD XD XD Please tel me that is somone elses problem, and has nothing to do with that drug-do you know?
Ive woken with a stomach the size of a melon, big black eyes ( the bags) Not real black eyes 8-| Oh sometimes I just cant get the words out right.
i spent lots on the girls yesterday. All they need now are the dreaded school shoes. i can never go to get this done as I used to fit shoes and was taught well, so I am too quick to criticise 8-| XD So Ive reqquested he takes them to get this done, and he can damn well pay for them too o.O Im so pissed of with him, angry about his last coment last night. how dare he! he sat drinking bottle aftr bottle of cheap cider ( Yuck! o.O )and then slur slur"when do you start your treatment) i nkow I should have kept it hush ush from him, but I oculdnt , just in case I have some side effects, Plus he kept wondering where and why I was dissapearing to the doctors and then to that clinic place.
The other thing, is the nurse I saw, made perfect sense, and I managed to even laugh with her, but this is the thing. I cant be like that - all the time.Anyway, i need to toddle of to work. ears feel a bit blasted, but oh well, Illl try walking. take care of you.
I dont know have you heard of this Becafonel stuff? Im worried as from some of the stuffIve read from the internet, is , is it makes you turned on. The last thing I need its to be high and gagging on it XD XD XD XD Please tel me that is somone elses problem, and has nothing to do with that drug-do you know?
Ive woken with a stomach the size of a melon, big black eyes ( the bags) Not real black eyes 8-| Oh sometimes I just cant get the words out right.
i spent lots on the girls yesterday. All they need now are the dreaded school shoes. i can never go to get this done as I used to fit shoes and was taught well, so I am too quick to criticise 8-| XD So Ive reqquested he takes them to get this done, and he can damn well pay for them too o.O Im so pissed of with him, angry about his last coment last night. how dare he! he sat drinking bottle aftr bottle of cheap cider ( Yuck! o.O )and then slur slur"when do you start your treatment) i nkow I should have kept it hush ush from him, but I oculdnt , just in case I have some side effects, Plus he kept wondering where and why I was dissapearing to the doctors and then to that clinic place.
The other thing, is the nurse I saw, made perfect sense, and I managed to even laugh with her, but this is the thing. I cant be like that - all the time.Anyway, i need to toddle of to work. ears feel a bit blasted, but oh well, Illl try walking. take care of you.
Hi dawn-how are you tonight?
Im ok, but really nervy! My sister is refusing to speak to me. In away I think i should just take advantage of the time-but in another way i really worry.i worry as I know I said some really harsh things to her that night we fell out-and I know she wasnt in a good place to take t. i keep thinking about it, and feel like a dreadful b***h! In away though, its a good opportunity for me to get back on the straight and narrow.
Its typical, my sinuses feel so much better today, and the blotches on my arm have calmed down-so the doctor will probably think I am just a time waister-but I have to discuss about citalopram and whether I should still take it, and about the new meds that I will possibly be getting next week. I am sacred one minute, but then the next, excited about findng the old Katy again.
Beforehand it took and honours degre, and a lot of hairdye to get my confidence up, now I look in the mirror, think yup! Your on the high dusty book shelf now-give up %-) But bizarrly I was talking with a really good guy at my work today, he was shocked to find I even had a degree and squeezed in children -he made me feel somuch better about myself, (Just a friend) but it just helped.
My hair is the colour of mud and I am really unhappy with what Ive done to it, but Ill have to give it resting time.
Mum is coming tomorrow to help me do my shift at work while meano plays golf. Shes been asking if my sister and I have made back up(all the time)I think as well, I may tell her that I am on meds to stop me drinking-im sure she will support me, but may well be shocked. She does say things like"if wine has anything to do with it, stop!"So shes not oblivious to it. Shes also taking the girls away for the weekend, I want to stay to get things in order, like throw out their old clothing and toys that they hold onto , despite how broken.
Dawn-I am scared of starting this sobriety, scared that my anger issues will get worse, scared of just about everything-but I will do it! i know of people who have been given these( not that I have them yet) but those pills suggested-and that theyve not taken them. In away that angers me, so I will look in the mirror and just keep saying"I can do this"
Last nigth I was feeling really gutted about my situatuion with my family and my sister-but I could and basically cant handle her. yes, I feel guilty, and No, I dont think Ill ever be ablt to help her.Shes stubborn and strong willed. if she wants to do whatever, she will. the thing that gets me is the treatment that Ive taken not from just him, but her as well.
You mentioned that you thought your sister a selish twat-well I kind of totally realte.Part of my arguing and issues went way back back to when our aunt died, our grandad died to my friends that have died-and her issues always took over -no matter what! But I know my sister and she can put a snobby "I am lcever front:on things. i cant bebothered with that.i get to the point, b****r it, I am what I am, ( maybe thats the citalopram) I dont know. I know I am waffling here, but i also have huge issues with him at the moment. I can feel myself boil up, like I have a huge temperature( I dont) I just think he will use everything and anything to STAY PUT!
In away, i feel incredibly guilty for the girls. I mean, I look back on my own childhood and although we had everything *9 material) any child could have asked for, we certainly did not have a happy time of it-though having said that it wasnt too grim either!
I just think that its important for a child to feel secure(even if a couple decide to split). Its my duty to them to give them that ( at least)Anyway, i could waffle on for hours. I reckon my only escape goat is as my lawyer stated"take the children and leave"My guess is hes experienced this so many times before, and he knows what these people are like. Ok, I am tired ow, i find it stressful thinking nevermind talking about it as I wish it wasnt happening.
Ok, i will skedaddle-hope your ok. Youll be tired . I cant imagine how you must be feeling apart from sore. I hope your family are supporting you as much as you need,take care, katy
Im ok, but really nervy! My sister is refusing to speak to me. In away I think i should just take advantage of the time-but in another way i really worry.i worry as I know I said some really harsh things to her that night we fell out-and I know she wasnt in a good place to take t. i keep thinking about it, and feel like a dreadful b***h! In away though, its a good opportunity for me to get back on the straight and narrow.
Its typical, my sinuses feel so much better today, and the blotches on my arm have calmed down-so the doctor will probably think I am just a time waister-but I have to discuss about citalopram and whether I should still take it, and about the new meds that I will possibly be getting next week. I am sacred one minute, but then the next, excited about findng the old Katy again.
Beforehand it took and honours degre, and a lot of hairdye to get my confidence up, now I look in the mirror, think yup! Your on the high dusty book shelf now-give up %-) But bizarrly I was talking with a really good guy at my work today, he was shocked to find I even had a degree and squeezed in children -he made me feel somuch better about myself, (Just a friend) but it just helped.
My hair is the colour of mud and I am really unhappy with what Ive done to it, but Ill have to give it resting time.
Mum is coming tomorrow to help me do my shift at work while meano plays golf. Shes been asking if my sister and I have made back up(all the time)I think as well, I may tell her that I am on meds to stop me drinking-im sure she will support me, but may well be shocked. She does say things like"if wine has anything to do with it, stop!"So shes not oblivious to it. Shes also taking the girls away for the weekend, I want to stay to get things in order, like throw out their old clothing and toys that they hold onto , despite how broken.
Dawn-I am scared of starting this sobriety, scared that my anger issues will get worse, scared of just about everything-but I will do it! i know of people who have been given these( not that I have them yet) but those pills suggested-and that theyve not taken them. In away that angers me, so I will look in the mirror and just keep saying"I can do this"
Last nigth I was feeling really gutted about my situatuion with my family and my sister-but I could and basically cant handle her. yes, I feel guilty, and No, I dont think Ill ever be ablt to help her.Shes stubborn and strong willed. if she wants to do whatever, she will. the thing that gets me is the treatment that Ive taken not from just him, but her as well.
You mentioned that you thought your sister a selish twat-well I kind of totally realte.Part of my arguing and issues went way back back to when our aunt died, our grandad died to my friends that have died-and her issues always took over -no matter what! But I know my sister and she can put a snobby "I am lcever front:on things. i cant bebothered with that.i get to the point, b****r it, I am what I am, ( maybe thats the citalopram) I dont know. I know I am waffling here, but i also have huge issues with him at the moment. I can feel myself boil up, like I have a huge temperature( I dont) I just think he will use everything and anything to STAY PUT!
In away, i feel incredibly guilty for the girls. I mean, I look back on my own childhood and although we had everything *9 material) any child could have asked for, we certainly did not have a happy time of it-though having said that it wasnt too grim either!
I just think that its important for a child to feel secure(even if a couple decide to split). Its my duty to them to give them that ( at least)Anyway, i could waffle on for hours. I reckon my only escape goat is as my lawyer stated"take the children and leave"My guess is hes experienced this so many times before, and he knows what these people are like. Ok, I am tired ow, i find it stressful thinking nevermind talking about it as I wish it wasnt happening.
Ok, i will skedaddle-hope your ok. Youll be tired . I cant imagine how you must be feeling apart from sore. I hope your family are supporting you as much as you need,take care, katy