Hi hon!My heads doing better! I don't know if your doctor told you about this BUT when you are on anti depressents, IF you ever have thoughts of suicide you HAVE to contact the doctor right away! Some antidepressents have a total back firing! You know that I want you to get tested more thoroughly right? So what happens hon! IF you are NOT really in need of this type, your body will over compensate! So from your latest posts, there IS something going on here Katy! You are either panicking about the antabuse! or the kids being away! OR there is something REALLY chemical going on here! I have NEVER heard of having to stop ANY alcohol personal products while using antabuse!!!! This is only for ingesting alcohol! I don't get it! Who told you this?
I know that depression is physically painful! BUT you have SO many "sore" symptoms, stuffy symptoms, dizziness etc. I REALLY think there's more to this allergy thing that what I first thought. I really wish you would write it all down Katy and then take it to the docotrs. It DOES NOT matter if you go tommorrow again! When you go next time, just tell him you've been avoiding telling him everything because you were worried what he would think of you. Do you have a printer Katy? If you do OR can get on the internet somewhere, with a printer. I was going to put in print form ALL the things that I think is going on with you OR at least be checked out! Then you can take that to the doctors! I even did this for my dad! I got his symptoms and then came to a conclusion and sent an email - with all the links - to his doctor! It was eye opening for the doctor, because my dad wouldn't tell him everything - because he thought, "That's not relevant!" so I would be VERY willing to do that for you Katy! I could even write a letter - from you - to him - and even from me if you want - explaining things! this way you don't have to really say anything right? Up to you!
Actually you made me HOWL!!! XD XD XD You said he "my ex pitched his tent..." Here that means /\ under the sheets!!!! LOL ;-) I was thinking "well I sure hope not, especially infront of her mom!!!! AND the girls!!!! " ;-) :$ o.O XD
I know that depression is physically painful! BUT you have SO many "sore" symptoms, stuffy symptoms, dizziness etc. I REALLY think there's more to this allergy thing that what I first thought. I really wish you would write it all down Katy and then take it to the docotrs. It DOES NOT matter if you go tommorrow again! When you go next time, just tell him you've been avoiding telling him everything because you were worried what he would think of you. Do you have a printer Katy? If you do OR can get on the internet somewhere, with a printer. I was going to put in print form ALL the things that I think is going on with you OR at least be checked out! Then you can take that to the doctors! I even did this for my dad! I got his symptoms and then came to a conclusion and sent an email - with all the links - to his doctor! It was eye opening for the doctor, because my dad wouldn't tell him everything - because he thought, "That's not relevant!" so I would be VERY willing to do that for you Katy! I could even write a letter - from you - to him - and even from me if you want - explaining things! this way you don't have to really say anything right? Up to you!
Actually you made me HOWL!!! XD XD XD You said he "my ex pitched his tent..." Here that means /\ under the sheets!!!! LOL ;-) I was thinking "well I sure hope not, especially infront of her mom!!!! AND the girls!!!! " ;-) :$ o.O XD
Hi Dawn= XD Thankfully, there is no pitching of tents here :$ XD XD XD Not heard that expression inuse here. Well, you learn something new everyday. Im still laughing!!
Ok, had an ok day, really stuffy nose though, and got the bus to work as did not want to risk another, OmG-im going to fall/dizzie spell. i got to work and as soon as I stepped into open areas \I could feel my heart pund...so carried sniffing the old olbas oils (in a tissue) .
Felt a bit low, missing the girls, badlyIve not even started with the decluttering, all Ive done so far is washing and more washing. Cleaned their bedding and then looked at the pile of messed up toys o.O and went Nah!!! not today.
I got free uniform from work, and felt "I should be feeleling over the moon" Free clothes-but just didnt get that buzz-and it snot that Iam ungreatful-I just didnt get the feel good factor.felt more guilty than anything. I might start posting some clothes of to the third worlds Ive so much that I could redress an entire country.
Im fearful about tomorrow-going to see the nurse and talk about whatever is she needs to know. I was lying in bed thinking-do i reeally need to go on antabuse????see in my view a chronic alcoholic would be Rab C nesbit-someone who gets up and drinks from morning toill night.
I know you said that side effects are triggered by only ingesting alcohol.I read that you have to wear non alcoholic deodarants and reframe from perfumes etc. see I dont know anyone who has or would admit to taking it, so there isnt really anone I can ask , apart from the nurse tomorrow. The thing that eats me as well, is everything she said to me before makes perfect sense, and what I am doing to myself is just silly, ( not her exact words)...but when I am in my situation, I feel the need to have a drink in the evenings.Despite what anyone else has said to me
Ok, Im glad to hear your head is doing better!!!That must be a relief-youve been through the milll with that one. Right Im going to go now Take care of you, katy
Ok, had an ok day, really stuffy nose though, and got the bus to work as did not want to risk another, OmG-im going to fall/dizzie spell. i got to work and as soon as I stepped into open areas \I could feel my heart pund...so carried sniffing the old olbas oils (in a tissue) .
Felt a bit low, missing the girls, badlyIve not even started with the decluttering, all Ive done so far is washing and more washing. Cleaned their bedding and then looked at the pile of messed up toys o.O and went Nah!!! not today.
I got free uniform from work, and felt "I should be feeleling over the moon" Free clothes-but just didnt get that buzz-and it snot that Iam ungreatful-I just didnt get the feel good factor.felt more guilty than anything. I might start posting some clothes of to the third worlds Ive so much that I could redress an entire country.
Im fearful about tomorrow-going to see the nurse and talk about whatever is she needs to know. I was lying in bed thinking-do i reeally need to go on antabuse????see in my view a chronic alcoholic would be Rab C nesbit-someone who gets up and drinks from morning toill night.
I know you said that side effects are triggered by only ingesting alcohol.I read that you have to wear non alcoholic deodarants and reframe from perfumes etc. see I dont know anyone who has or would admit to taking it, so there isnt really anone I can ask , apart from the nurse tomorrow. The thing that eats me as well, is everything she said to me before makes perfect sense, and what I am doing to myself is just silly, ( not her exact words)...but when I am in my situation, I feel the need to have a drink in the evenings.Despite what anyone else has said to me
Ok, Im glad to hear your head is doing better!!!That must be a relief-youve been through the milll with that one. Right Im going to go now Take care of you, katy
Hey Dawn- well not feeling great, at all. I rang the children and the mobiles kept cutting out-but it was good to hear their bubbily voices.
Mum, as much as I love her, was giving me the treatment"wel, have you sorted your self out"In a harsh, her hash teacher tone. Then part of me thinks, well A) I didnt have to tell her. B) She never listens and C) I dont really mind being a further disappointment , I am anyway.
When i got my degree mark, ill never forget my best friend )at that time) tellling me Id got an honours. I must admti I was disappointed with the grade myself, but my mum never even congratulated me. Then when I told her about me expectant -OMG, you dont want to know the stories there...It just doesnt help me, and the way I feel , and I know that she means well, but argh!!!
Anyway, I just had to let that out-as I am furious with the fact he is even enjoying , what used to be my secret part of life. Hes walking in my space too much for my liking. I know i can be ok on my own, and so I will, but if only family memebers would listen, listen to my opinions. i dont think I am even being heard and god knows what keck, he will have told my mother. i dont trust him -not one bit. So upset that he even thinks its his right to be there, so annoyed at my mum for even letting him. I find them both hurtful now! Il only properly trust my children, and maybe you...but god maybe its the time of month and that Im not feeling very well, Nott sick sick, just not 100%. Anyway, enough about me, I just wanted to blow out some steam to you, as you might understand!
Mum, as much as I love her, was giving me the treatment"wel, have you sorted your self out"In a harsh, her hash teacher tone. Then part of me thinks, well A) I didnt have to tell her. B) She never listens and C) I dont really mind being a further disappointment , I am anyway.
When i got my degree mark, ill never forget my best friend )at that time) tellling me Id got an honours. I must admti I was disappointed with the grade myself, but my mum never even congratulated me. Then when I told her about me expectant -OMG, you dont want to know the stories there...It just doesnt help me, and the way I feel , and I know that she means well, but argh!!!
Anyway, I just had to let that out-as I am furious with the fact he is even enjoying , what used to be my secret part of life. Hes walking in my space too much for my liking. I know i can be ok on my own, and so I will, but if only family memebers would listen, listen to my opinions. i dont think I am even being heard and god knows what keck, he will have told my mother. i dont trust him -not one bit. So upset that he even thinks its his right to be there, so annoyed at my mum for even letting him. I find them both hurtful now! Il only properly trust my children, and maybe you...but god maybe its the time of month and that Im not feeling very well, Nott sick sick, just not 100%. Anyway, enough about me, I just wanted to blow out some steam to you, as you might understand!
Actually Katy, I TOTALLY agree with your feelings about your mom and him!!! As far as I'm concerned it's a betryal! BUT you have to think of it this way, she is trying to have a go at you for doing what she couldn't! And wants to come across as the better of everyone - does that make sense? My parents did that to me too when I was seperated from my husband! It SICKENED me! It's just classic - emotional abuse - that's all! When you're down they keep you down! So it has always disgusted me!! >;) That's NOT the way we are with our kids is it? And WONT be either!!! I cannot get over "family's" and their actions towards their own! My family are VERY selfish, I don't get them and they don't get me! So as I get older, I'm OK with it! I will just lead my life BETTER!!! It's funny, my dad is always telling me that "I'm too soft with the kids etc. etc. and they need a good hiding!!!!!!" BUT when they go over to his house then he's all buddy buddy! And once I told him that I told THEM what he said I should do! he FREAKED out because he wanted to be the "Great guy! The great grandad! - which he is! " But if you can critisize your own, then you have to stand up and be counted right? So that's what your mom is doing too! She KNOWS full well he has treatead you like c**p, yet there she is trying to look like the GREAT mother in law! Is all about appearances - NOT actions! You should tell her straight as well that she betrayed you! It's time to start giving some c**p back Katy! They treat you so badly and you DO NOT deserve it!!!
Hi Dawn.Ive already argued with my mum, and believe me , is was a BIG argument. I see that she doesnt seem to fully trust the things I say to her , and listens to him over my opinions-thats something he is good at though. At the end of the "back off mum" argyument, she cuddled me, but actually nothing I had said , had gone in, you know by the above situation. its like my dad, he syas,,ok, these 2 things are out of 2 different conversations, but 1) "You only get one mum", and 2)Understandably, you want her on side-shes your mum"
Anyway, nevermind al that-I guess"yes I only get one mum-but i am learning to say Nah mum, im going to a friends"
Ok, I had a nightmare last night, me and the gals were in a skyscraper low ceiling multi concrete council skyscraper. the ceilings were really low and something was chasing us, ( I dont know what it was).then another mum with 2 children comes out of her flat all shaking and crying and swallowing back the lump pain/tears in her throat and shouting "get the lift" Which then jammed...Im looking at her and thinking "what a shame-what a mess, and some woman have got it a lot worse than I...anyway, ...the lift jams and whatever it is is getting closer, ....The lady with the children, who is slightly chubbie, and has her blonde hair tied in a bob, and thik black mascara on, states "we will take the stairs.....are the tiles ok???? yes , the tilling was coming away and it was difficult to get down them. Then (doh!) this woman has a walking stick and turns to me and says" Erm "Pls hold my hand , i cant stand heights o.O :$
Anyway, i really need to get on with tidying...if mum comes back with the girls and the place is in this mess, shell shout/
Oh I wike up at that point, and had the runs 6xs...Then got woken up by the phone. I hope im not supposed to be at work..I dont know I hope Ive not read the roa wrong?
Anyway, I hope your head is 100%better, mind you i dont know if me twittering on helps..Right Id better go, my stomach isnt even sore, just on the go-weird and I dont even have that I feel washed out feeling-weird Maybe too many vitamin C supplements :$
Anyway, nevermind al that-I guess"yes I only get one mum-but i am learning to say Nah mum, im going to a friends"
Ok, I had a nightmare last night, me and the gals were in a skyscraper low ceiling multi concrete council skyscraper. the ceilings were really low and something was chasing us, ( I dont know what it was).then another mum with 2 children comes out of her flat all shaking and crying and swallowing back the lump pain/tears in her throat and shouting "get the lift" Which then jammed...Im looking at her and thinking "what a shame-what a mess, and some woman have got it a lot worse than I...anyway, ...the lift jams and whatever it is is getting closer, ....The lady with the children, who is slightly chubbie, and has her blonde hair tied in a bob, and thik black mascara on, states "we will take the stairs.....are the tiles ok???? yes , the tilling was coming away and it was difficult to get down them. Then (doh!) this woman has a walking stick and turns to me and says" Erm "Pls hold my hand , i cant stand heights o.O :$
Anyway, i really need to get on with tidying...if mum comes back with the girls and the place is in this mess, shell shout/
Oh I wike up at that point, and had the runs 6xs...Then got woken up by the phone. I hope im not supposed to be at work..I dont know I hope Ive not read the roa wrong?
Anyway, I hope your head is 100%better, mind you i dont know if me twittering on helps..Right Id better go, my stomach isnt even sore, just on the go-weird and I dont even have that I feel washed out feeling-weird Maybe too many vitamin C supplements :$
Hi dawn, how has your day been?
Well, I saw the nurse today ( lovely women) how anyone can be bothered with me-somtimes it makes me quiver inside!
I burst out in tears when I spoke about my mum ad I situation. felt pathetic-as its not really knew, but I guess apart of the person Ive become. We discussed the antabuse issue-I think the threat of it is enough for me to say NO! ENOUGH! Then she mentioned Becafonel ( sorry cant spell) but think it is the same as the stuff you suggested earlier , in one of our conversations. Looked thorugh numerous conversations , but cant find it, I think its the same as campraml or something you mentioned before. anyway, ive not been given anything new, yet, as I need to get checked over. the nurse told me to only buy in half a bottle of wine-to reduce my intake, I did, and Ive had it. feeling ok and about to go to bed.
The girls phoned, they wanted to vcome home today, so theyll be arriving tomorrow afternoon, I am looking forward to seeing them and hearing their stories. Ive cleaned their bedroom, but its still overloaded with toys. I want them to decide which toys to go to the charity store, instead of me. we sahll see.
I spoke to the nurse about taking antabuse, and stated that Id have to test it , adn that thought terrifies me. Then I stated i wasnt being hard enough on myself-she was so understanding. I think the mere threat of it , is enough or me to calm down with alcohol and try living somehow differently, even if he is still around.
Anyway, thought Id update you on my news. My stomach is playing fuuny yuckers with me tonight-so going to bed, night night, Katy
Well, I saw the nurse today ( lovely women) how anyone can be bothered with me-somtimes it makes me quiver inside!
I burst out in tears when I spoke about my mum ad I situation. felt pathetic-as its not really knew, but I guess apart of the person Ive become. We discussed the antabuse issue-I think the threat of it is enough for me to say NO! ENOUGH! Then she mentioned Becafonel ( sorry cant spell) but think it is the same as the stuff you suggested earlier , in one of our conversations. Looked thorugh numerous conversations , but cant find it, I think its the same as campraml or something you mentioned before. anyway, ive not been given anything new, yet, as I need to get checked over. the nurse told me to only buy in half a bottle of wine-to reduce my intake, I did, and Ive had it. feeling ok and about to go to bed.
The girls phoned, they wanted to vcome home today, so theyll be arriving tomorrow afternoon, I am looking forward to seeing them and hearing their stories. Ive cleaned their bedroom, but its still overloaded with toys. I want them to decide which toys to go to the charity store, instead of me. we sahll see.
I spoke to the nurse about taking antabuse, and stated that Id have to test it , adn that thought terrifies me. Then I stated i wasnt being hard enough on myself-she was so understanding. I think the mere threat of it , is enough or me to calm down with alcohol and try living somehow differently, even if he is still around.
Anyway, thought Id update you on my news. My stomach is playing fuuny yuckers with me tonight-so going to bed, night night, Katy
Hi hon! Why would she suggest you having half a bottle of wine?!!!!!! o.O o.O o.O And you drinking it allready is TOTALLY defeating this process! I don't get it!!
Yeah-that didnt work! :$ The idea was to way up cause and effect of alcohol. Without a hangover /with a hangover.
The thing is, it didnt work! I went to bed around 10pm ish, slept for about 2 hours, ( had a completely awful nightmare) and couldnt get back to sleep. So I may as well have a hangover, or go the full journey and completely give up oon it
My sinuses are still really stuffed up. I sked the kind lady about it yesterday , and she siad it must have something to do with the tanin in the wine 8-|
I do go back until the 26th. In that time, im going to try and abstain, and see how it goes...I mean ex comes hoe withthe girls this afternoon..since theyve been away , Ive ben thinking about how I could improve life for them-and thats my bigger motivator, So even if I feel rattled, Ill just have to think about their feelings first.Its that simple...Like I say, the threat of taking ntabuse is another motivator, nervermind actually taking it(which still is an option) so ill give this a whirl and see how i goes.
At 230am this morning the seagulls would not shut up. I ened up shouting out the window"Go to the beach" Then at 6 am the man started opening up his garage and drilling something.
I watched ( accidentally) a bit of crimewatch -it sent shivers down my spine. there was that incident ( and forgive me for being rude) where the partner lost it and stabbed his girlfriend 9 times-awful!!! But it made me realise that really I have to get well and get a move one. Its to fine a line to mess about with now!
Anyway, take care, and ther will be NO alcohol tonight, Might have hot chocolate instead-and looking forward to it.
The thing is, it didnt work! I went to bed around 10pm ish, slept for about 2 hours, ( had a completely awful nightmare) and couldnt get back to sleep. So I may as well have a hangover, or go the full journey and completely give up oon it
My sinuses are still really stuffed up. I sked the kind lady about it yesterday , and she siad it must have something to do with the tanin in the wine 8-|
I do go back until the 26th. In that time, im going to try and abstain, and see how it goes...I mean ex comes hoe withthe girls this afternoon..since theyve been away , Ive ben thinking about how I could improve life for them-and thats my bigger motivator, So even if I feel rattled, Ill just have to think about their feelings first.Its that simple...Like I say, the threat of taking ntabuse is another motivator, nervermind actually taking it(which still is an option) so ill give this a whirl and see how i goes.
At 230am this morning the seagulls would not shut up. I ened up shouting out the window"Go to the beach" Then at 6 am the man started opening up his garage and drilling something.
I watched ( accidentally) a bit of crimewatch -it sent shivers down my spine. there was that incident ( and forgive me for being rude) where the partner lost it and stabbed his girlfriend 9 times-awful!!! But it made me realise that really I have to get well and get a move one. Its to fine a line to mess about with now!
Anyway, take care, and ther will be NO alcohol tonight, Might have hot chocolate instead-and looking forward to it.
Hi Katy! SO an actual professional told you the same thing I did!!! "That you might be alergic to the wine!!!" Well well! Who would have thunk it!
You know "sometimes" I DO know what I'm talking about you know?!!! I'm not just blowing Dixie!! So I still don't understand why she did that, I understand cause and effect, but you've been there a THOUSAND times!!!! How many times have you been hung? How many times have you said "I'll NEVER drink again!"? I think she realized that you were having TOTAL panic attacks thinking about not drinking, so decided to go a different route! You get sick from wine Katy - PERIOD!!, you are probably allergic to it, so NOT drinking it at all would be the only option! What you experience EVERY time you drink, is the exact same experience if you took the drug and MIGHT drink some wine! I don't think - with the c**p that's going on right now - you have the strength NOT to drink! You had nothing really happening yesterday, but you still drank! So what is going to happen when something big or stressful happens? I UNDERSTAND addiction, I can't say that enough! BUT what I have learnt from this is that IF you want to stay being an alcoholic, you will! If you don't you HAVE to learn about other ways to cope! So it's your call Katy! Either stay this way, feeling sick ALL the time, OR take the chance and feel sick ONLY if you break down! It's just the same as a REALLY bad hangover! So what's the difference? Anyway - your call!
I'm glad the girls are coming home today - I wonder if the Ex will be different? Show him you aren't drinking Katy! And don't tell him a THING!!! OK? Don't let him think that you are trying this on your own, then he WILL tempt you! If he asks, just say "It's private and I'm doing great thankyou!" You can't have him documenting your drinking Katy OK?
So I have to go, I'm still getting crappy headaches! >:( So need my pills and probbaly a nap! I'll talk to you later gator!
You know "sometimes" I DO know what I'm talking about you know?!!! I'm not just blowing Dixie!! So I still don't understand why she did that, I understand cause and effect, but you've been there a THOUSAND times!!!! How many times have you been hung? How many times have you said "I'll NEVER drink again!"? I think she realized that you were having TOTAL panic attacks thinking about not drinking, so decided to go a different route! You get sick from wine Katy - PERIOD!!, you are probably allergic to it, so NOT drinking it at all would be the only option! What you experience EVERY time you drink, is the exact same experience if you took the drug and MIGHT drink some wine! I don't think - with the c**p that's going on right now - you have the strength NOT to drink! You had nothing really happening yesterday, but you still drank! So what is going to happen when something big or stressful happens? I UNDERSTAND addiction, I can't say that enough! BUT what I have learnt from this is that IF you want to stay being an alcoholic, you will! If you don't you HAVE to learn about other ways to cope! So it's your call Katy! Either stay this way, feeling sick ALL the time, OR take the chance and feel sick ONLY if you break down! It's just the same as a REALLY bad hangover! So what's the difference? Anyway - your call!
I'm glad the girls are coming home today - I wonder if the Ex will be different? Show him you aren't drinking Katy! And don't tell him a THING!!! OK? Don't let him think that you are trying this on your own, then he WILL tempt you! If he asks, just say "It's private and I'm doing great thankyou!" You can't have him documenting your drinking Katy OK?
So I have to go, I'm still getting crappy headaches! >:( So need my pills and probbaly a nap! I'll talk to you later gator!
Hi dawn- the girls are home and its great to have them back :-D The thing is, i see hes been at his usual game. My mother stated that "he was brilliant" Did this and that DIY jobs etc)...I was feeling like"loook mother-he doesnt even do DIY here" .....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!_what is the point? Then he criplles on about how controlling she was, and comes home with 3 bottles of wine!!!!!!!!Argh!!! heres me saying Yes-DONT-and so forth. the thing is I find when the girls are away fromme, I am more stressed than when they are with me. i worry!!!!
Also, the nurse wanted to give me options-and not seem like another controlling good dooer? i reckon Ill probably try the easy road for a bit, probably will fail and then will be given antabuse, so as that is what I think is going to happen, and I thnk I will record this on another piece of paper. i might as well take the short -cut and go on the antabuse.
Hes acting all so called normal around me, and its just i want to scream out "have you frogotten" Have you no respect??? For me, for yourself? but i cant as i dont want to blow a storm made out of a teapot 8-| 8-|
Sorry to hear your head still hurts, Im in a bit of a modd, and you can probably tell.Fed up with myself!
Also, the nurse wanted to give me options-and not seem like another controlling good dooer? i reckon Ill probably try the easy road for a bit, probably will fail and then will be given antabuse, so as that is what I think is going to happen, and I thnk I will record this on another piece of paper. i might as well take the short -cut and go on the antabuse.
Hes acting all so called normal around me, and its just i want to scream out "have you frogotten" Have you no respect??? For me, for yourself? but i cant as i dont want to blow a storm made out of a teapot 8-| 8-|
Sorry to hear your head still hurts, Im in a bit of a modd, and you can probably tell.Fed up with myself!
Well, Iam in a really bad mood now. Had to hold back th tears this smorning-I had that total guilt thin going on in side my head about not spending enough time with the girls and now I am home from work, the girls arent here -I havent a clue where they have gone and also going to do an extra shift tomorrow. ex want be pleased but 3hrs really isnt that much too ask.
I dont know-Id be ( I am fed up with me) . I was thinking about what that nurse said to me..."If you had diabetes and , stopped taking your insulin and ate a hole table of cream cakes-would you do it?"I was like Yuck! iaam going to puke...the images that went through my head-you know like whats her name-Gillian mckeith or something like that -you know the gross tables of lard all measured up and sitting staring back at you-heres what youve sone to your body - you evil ungreatful toad 8-| Ive been thinking about that coment all day, and that I realyy do need the help to stay sober-I want to stay sober. I cant handle having sinnisitus and hiding behind my shaddow all the time-Though im scared about doing it. I am scared I wl crawl back into my shell again , and not be heard and oh nevermind all that No point in being scared. alcohol kills , so that I must learn. I know it does!
So I dont know If I should but I am thinking about ringing back that drinks nurse and asking her to put me straight onto antabuse. i cant handle the arguments in my head? I dont even know if I will be allowed to ring..its just the 26th seems an awful long way away!
Becca has a bad midget bite next to her eyue, She came back and I just see my wee baby in her, and the other one has grown about 3inches-I cant keep up!
Works having a barbecue on Sunday. I want to take them to it-that way we can have fun togethere and I cant drink.
Anyway, hope your heads all right. take care Katy
I dont know-Id be ( I am fed up with me) . I was thinking about what that nurse said to me..."If you had diabetes and , stopped taking your insulin and ate a hole table of cream cakes-would you do it?"I was like Yuck! iaam going to puke...the images that went through my head-you know like whats her name-Gillian mckeith or something like that -you know the gross tables of lard all measured up and sitting staring back at you-heres what youve sone to your body - you evil ungreatful toad 8-| Ive been thinking about that coment all day, and that I realyy do need the help to stay sober-I want to stay sober. I cant handle having sinnisitus and hiding behind my shaddow all the time-Though im scared about doing it. I am scared I wl crawl back into my shell again , and not be heard and oh nevermind all that No point in being scared. alcohol kills , so that I must learn. I know it does!
So I dont know If I should but I am thinking about ringing back that drinks nurse and asking her to put me straight onto antabuse. i cant handle the arguments in my head? I dont even know if I will be allowed to ring..its just the 26th seems an awful long way away!
Becca has a bad midget bite next to her eyue, She came back and I just see my wee baby in her, and the other one has grown about 3inches-I cant keep up!
Works having a barbecue on Sunday. I want to take them to it-that way we can have fun togethere and I cant drink.
Anyway, hope your heads all right. take care Katy
You know what Katy? You NEVER have to explain to me about being scared to stop something that has helped you cope! I KNOW that feeling Katy! More than most! BUT I knew that if I continued with these drugs I would eventually die! My body was already SO overloaded I was sheddding my skin, I had over 40 moles grow on my body within a month! - immune deficiency - my hair was falling out, I couldn't go out anywhere if it was sunny - as my eyes and skin would burn, I couldn't have a warm shower as I would be in so much pain, and the ITCHING!!! I am surprised I don't have scars all over my body! So just know that I KNOW!!!!?
The first couple of "events" are the worst! BUT not as bad as from the consequences of drinking or doing drugs! For a few times it will feel like a catch 22 - your sick if you do and your sick if you don't! - BUT that passes really quickly, each "event" that happens and you deal with, with a clear head, then you feel stronger and think "Yeah I can do this!!!" So just know that it DEFINITELY gets easier! I PROMISE! And to not feel stuffy, headaches, itchy, sick etc - isn't it ALL worth it Katy?
Regarding the children, ask them to leave a letter telling you where they are going OK? You have to give him one! He's sure playing the game isn't he? Playing - all of a sudden - the doating father, son-in-law, etc. I'm surprised he's not wearing a popes hat! It's just an act Katy!
What's going on with the flat? Phone them and see where you are on the list! He might think that nothing else is happening or it's forgotten about! And DEFINITELY take the girls to the barbeque you will be out and with co workers and the kids will be having fun with YOU! Not him! DO NOT bring him!!!
So the nurse said something similar to what I have said heh? Remember when I said to you "If you had a severe illness would you not seek out any help?" This is the same thing!! ACH A VIE WOMAN!!!!!!!!! And definitely phone her! She wants you too, she doesn't want you to suffer one moment longer! And WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT TELL HIM!!!!!!!! Hide the medicines whatever you have to do don't tell him anything about it!
The first couple of "events" are the worst! BUT not as bad as from the consequences of drinking or doing drugs! For a few times it will feel like a catch 22 - your sick if you do and your sick if you don't! - BUT that passes really quickly, each "event" that happens and you deal with, with a clear head, then you feel stronger and think "Yeah I can do this!!!" So just know that it DEFINITELY gets easier! I PROMISE! And to not feel stuffy, headaches, itchy, sick etc - isn't it ALL worth it Katy?
Regarding the children, ask them to leave a letter telling you where they are going OK? You have to give him one! He's sure playing the game isn't he? Playing - all of a sudden - the doating father, son-in-law, etc. I'm surprised he's not wearing a popes hat! It's just an act Katy!
What's going on with the flat? Phone them and see where you are on the list! He might think that nothing else is happening or it's forgotten about! And DEFINITELY take the girls to the barbeque you will be out and with co workers and the kids will be having fun with YOU! Not him! DO NOT bring him!!!
So the nurse said something similar to what I have said heh? Remember when I said to you "If you had a severe illness would you not seek out any help?" This is the same thing!! ACH A VIE WOMAN!!!!!!!!! And definitely phone her! She wants you too, she doesn't want you to suffer one moment longer! And WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT TELL HIM!!!!!!!! Hide the medicines whatever you have to do don't tell him anything about it!
dawn -YOU amaze me> I was starting to panic, thinking youd had enough of me-but instead you are more inspiring than ever.
The buzzer sounded earlier and I thought it was them coming home. It wasnt it was his (exs) brother and his 2 children -my childrens cousins. His brother just had a baby girl last night-which is amazing, I have so many mixed views about that though.
Anyway, like I told the nurse , i guess and like I have probably told you , there is a great deal ( well for me) of shame, when coming to admit Ive a problem-still wishing it away doesnt work( as you know!0 Thats why Ive never truly believed it an illness but a selfish efllicition. Then again no one really wants to be addicted to anything-it is unhealthy -no matter what the addiction is, and I know my mum is annoyed with me at the moment and I can understand why, yet at the same time wish she understood better. I mean, isnt self starvation an adiction, as is eating fatty foods .its all self harming. Although to be quite honest id feel more sympathy formyself if i was overweight(wait) only due to overeating (I know some people cant help being overweight) or incredibly skinny due to stravation, Id have much more sympathy for myself, than someone who seeks satidsfaction from a bottle. Mind you im not sure satisfaction even comes near what I am trying to say.
Ill ring housing tomorrow ( as its shut right now) and definately will be taking the children to the barbecue-gives me and them something to look forward too. Right now I just wish i knew where they were. anyway, I better go tidy up after them. Loads of drawers and clothes tipped everywhere-looks like weve been burgalled. Ive not rang the nurse yet, I know as well that shell need to make an appointment with a consultant or soemthing before presribing so im going to have to bite my bottom lip and wait. I feel like I am hanging on a very fine thread that may snap very soon. Anyway, enough about me, How is your head and I am so glad to hear from you. Im feeling lonely. My sister still hasnt rang and Becca my youngest wnats me to ring her tonight. i dont know we are both as subborn fools as each other. okay, Ive waffled enough, Id better scamojush.
Oh another little observation Ive noticed is this-why are all the good toy shops on the other side of town. I ve noticed there are loads dwn there, but hardly any on this side of town, are there more families living on the other side of town with young children or something/ Just something Ive noticed about this city. It just makes me wonder. right ok, Id better go. take care of you dawn, katy
The buzzer sounded earlier and I thought it was them coming home. It wasnt it was his (exs) brother and his 2 children -my childrens cousins. His brother just had a baby girl last night-which is amazing, I have so many mixed views about that though.
Anyway, like I told the nurse , i guess and like I have probably told you , there is a great deal ( well for me) of shame, when coming to admit Ive a problem-still wishing it away doesnt work( as you know!0 Thats why Ive never truly believed it an illness but a selfish efllicition. Then again no one really wants to be addicted to anything-it is unhealthy -no matter what the addiction is, and I know my mum is annoyed with me at the moment and I can understand why, yet at the same time wish she understood better. I mean, isnt self starvation an adiction, as is eating fatty foods .its all self harming. Although to be quite honest id feel more sympathy formyself if i was overweight(wait) only due to overeating (I know some people cant help being overweight) or incredibly skinny due to stravation, Id have much more sympathy for myself, than someone who seeks satidsfaction from a bottle. Mind you im not sure satisfaction even comes near what I am trying to say.
Ill ring housing tomorrow ( as its shut right now) and definately will be taking the children to the barbecue-gives me and them something to look forward too. Right now I just wish i knew where they were. anyway, I better go tidy up after them. Loads of drawers and clothes tipped everywhere-looks like weve been burgalled. Ive not rang the nurse yet, I know as well that shell need to make an appointment with a consultant or soemthing before presribing so im going to have to bite my bottom lip and wait. I feel like I am hanging on a very fine thread that may snap very soon. Anyway, enough about me, How is your head and I am so glad to hear from you. Im feeling lonely. My sister still hasnt rang and Becca my youngest wnats me to ring her tonight. i dont know we are both as subborn fools as each other. okay, Ive waffled enough, Id better scamojush.
Oh another little observation Ive noticed is this-why are all the good toy shops on the other side of town. I ve noticed there are loads dwn there, but hardly any on this side of town, are there more families living on the other side of town with young children or something/ Just something Ive noticed about this city. It just makes me wonder. right ok, Id better go. take care of you dawn, katy
It's NOT satisfaction Katy! It's Coping, It's Surviving, It's Escape, It's Comfort!!! That's is why there is addiction - it is an escape or a comfort! I went out for lunch with a girlfriend of mine today, we went to this little town - where people look you in the eye and say hello - and we sat in this small cafe, and I had the MOST Incredible Chocolate Cake you have EVER tasted!!!!! Now I'm telling you this because NOT that long ago, I would have taken several of those GIFTS FROM GOD!!!! ;-) Home with me - pretending that they were for my family - and while I would be crying I would have wolfed them ALL down in one go! Because I NEEDED to be filled! I was SO lonely and unloved that I NEEDED something! That is why I was an alcoholic, drug addict, overweight, etc. etc. It's the LACK of something in our lives that we NEED to replace or handle!!! And addiction is an addiction - doesn't matter to what! Sex, Gambling, Food, Alcohol, Drugs etc. etc.
The first step is ALWAYS to admit you are an addict! THEN to reach out for help! THEN to take that help! So you have done the first 2 steps now you just need to go with the third! If you read our first conversations Katy - and what you have accomplished since then! You will be VERY proud of yourself - I hope - and I am too!!! Also he is nice to your family, and if you like his there's nothing stopping you for being nice to them. It will also make him look worse, when they think "Katy was/is such a nice girl, why would he treat her like that?"!! And don't worry about your mother or sister, they are being selfish! And they WILL come around! It's just our guilt that's all!
It's all coming together, so no need to snap, just let the girls know that you need to know where they are! And when you find out where you stand on getting your own place, then you can set up visitation rights with him and then you will know where they are!
If you live in a poorer area of town you will notice that there is a pub or a liquor store on every corner, a fish and chip store on every corner, and a place that sells tobacco! In the "better" areas of town will be one or 2 "Restaurants" and plenty of family friendly stores. It is my Labour/Socialist side stating that once again it's the governments who keep the low - middle low income people down and out! So they don't vote and stand up for their rights!!! My grandfather was a TRUE Labour politician way back when! So it's in the blood!!! 8-| ;-)
The first step is ALWAYS to admit you are an addict! THEN to reach out for help! THEN to take that help! So you have done the first 2 steps now you just need to go with the third! If you read our first conversations Katy - and what you have accomplished since then! You will be VERY proud of yourself - I hope - and I am too!!! Also he is nice to your family, and if you like his there's nothing stopping you for being nice to them. It will also make him look worse, when they think "Katy was/is such a nice girl, why would he treat her like that?"!! And don't worry about your mother or sister, they are being selfish! And they WILL come around! It's just our guilt that's all!
It's all coming together, so no need to snap, just let the girls know that you need to know where they are! And when you find out where you stand on getting your own place, then you can set up visitation rights with him and then you will know where they are!
If you live in a poorer area of town you will notice that there is a pub or a liquor store on every corner, a fish and chip store on every corner, and a place that sells tobacco! In the "better" areas of town will be one or 2 "Restaurants" and plenty of family friendly stores. It is my Labour/Socialist side stating that once again it's the governments who keep the low - middle low income people down and out! So they don't vote and stand up for their rights!!! My grandfather was a TRUE Labour politician way back when! So it's in the blood!!! 8-| ;-)
Wow!_My grndad was a complete Socialist too!! I think some of his thinking stuck in my head. But yeah-its true, theres pubs on everycorner, pizza expresses, kfcs, chip shops....yup! the poorer side of town! yet, if you turn right out our street you reach big posh houses etc.
Anyway, who cares about bricks and mortar o.O 8-| XD :-D Its just as wellI am not on antabuse yet. But had 1 lethal tiramsui-which could have killed henry the 8th. Anyway, I have a letter from the bank, as I forgot to pay the bill and so did he...heck mad !!!! I have to ring them. hes gone golfing. Mum is waiting on wood to be delivered,so dont know how today is going to pan out.
Last night he was acting as though nothing was going to happen. he was like-sign those forms blah blah , and then Ill go. So yeah Ill sign them. Do you know what dawn the froms state you need a third party to witness it, otherwise there not ligit, so heres me thinking yeah hes only asked ME to sign them-thats the agreement here-they mean nothing anyway :-D
Ok, phew-mums coming over to look after gals, Ridiculous that she has to do this- but hey--see this is what angers me, everything is on his term sake, If he wants to do something he will go do it-and thinks b****r everyone else and how they feel , no communicatin, no phonecalls . hes always been liek this, anyway, i had a dream last night that he had to go to casualty, and yes I guess theres a part of me that just screams out I want to be loved again -whats the matter with me/why was I never good enough? what is it you like about her and disslike about me? Theres all that, but then theres the, you treated me like property -actually you treated me like dissused property, that never got a lick of paint or drink of water. You took whats for -he took what he wanted and then ran off with it. There , so why would I want a yuck thing like that to ever olove me again /why? Stupid . Stupid irrational thinking/ Anyway, i cant believe the time I d better go get things done.
dawn, my boobs are all lumpy and sore, and ive now not only gort a silly cyst thing but theres a blood clot thing on my right one and I panic, Surley al those lumps etc after a long period of time turn cancerous >:( I worry. Well, its inour family..Right ok, hope your head ok? Id vetter go-need to ring the bank and so forth, my body is al achey and sore todayYet Ive put weight on, not off which is unusual for me, I even have bingo wings XD XD XD XD XD Yeah, I can now fly.
Anyway, who cares about bricks and mortar o.O 8-| XD :-D Its just as wellI am not on antabuse yet. But had 1 lethal tiramsui-which could have killed henry the 8th. Anyway, I have a letter from the bank, as I forgot to pay the bill and so did he...heck mad !!!! I have to ring them. hes gone golfing. Mum is waiting on wood to be delivered,so dont know how today is going to pan out.
Last night he was acting as though nothing was going to happen. he was like-sign those forms blah blah , and then Ill go. So yeah Ill sign them. Do you know what dawn the froms state you need a third party to witness it, otherwise there not ligit, so heres me thinking yeah hes only asked ME to sign them-thats the agreement here-they mean nothing anyway :-D
Ok, phew-mums coming over to look after gals, Ridiculous that she has to do this- but hey--see this is what angers me, everything is on his term sake, If he wants to do something he will go do it-and thinks b****r everyone else and how they feel , no communicatin, no phonecalls . hes always been liek this, anyway, i had a dream last night that he had to go to casualty, and yes I guess theres a part of me that just screams out I want to be loved again -whats the matter with me/why was I never good enough? what is it you like about her and disslike about me? Theres all that, but then theres the, you treated me like property -actually you treated me like dissused property, that never got a lick of paint or drink of water. You took whats for -he took what he wanted and then ran off with it. There , so why would I want a yuck thing like that to ever olove me again /why? Stupid . Stupid irrational thinking/ Anyway, i cant believe the time I d better go get things done.
dawn, my boobs are all lumpy and sore, and ive now not only gort a silly cyst thing but theres a blood clot thing on my right one and I panic, Surley al those lumps etc after a long period of time turn cancerous >:( I worry. Well, its inour family..Right ok, hope your head ok? Id vetter go-need to ring the bank and so forth, my body is al achey and sore todayYet Ive put weight on, not off which is unusual for me, I even have bingo wings XD XD XD XD XD Yeah, I can now fly.