I decided to start starving myself which turned into self harming

[tw for cutting and obv. eating disorders]

hi there.

this all started back in june, when i was 13. i had heard of an online community where they supported people with eds (more harm reduction than anything), and for some reason on this day i don't remember, i decided i was going to start starving myself.

i was 112 pounds and 5'3.5".

i would restrict to around 400 calories a day, but i would frequently binging, leading me to only slowly lose weight throughout the summer.

i went to california in july, and i hit 104 pounds some point during the trip. i wouldn't eat breakfeast or lunch, but i would have to eat dinner with my cousins + family, so i did. i would stay around 200-1000 calories, but i still binged a few times per week :/

when i got back to my home where i live, with my family, i got worse with binging. i stayed around 106-109 for a while. 

in october, i hit my lowest weight of 103.8 pounds.

but then in late october, i was upset, and i dissembled a packing table dispenser. i used the little blade part to scratch my skin - it wasn't nearly sharp enough to cut. that continued until i lost it one day and panicked. i googled how to take apart a shaving razor and took a blade from there. 

and that's when my self harm really did start to get worse. While i gained more and more weight, i grew more and grew upset w/ myself. i stopped cutting my arms, not wanting to leave scars (i play soccer so short sleeves), and i moved to my upper thighs + chest. 

and here in january, i'm at my really highest weight (116.2ish after a day of not eating), and things have only gotten worse.

i just needed to type a brief summary of me, not my family and not everything else.

thank you for reading.

i just needed to get this off my chest.