I feel like I'm not here

I am a 32 tr old. Nothing has ever helped. nothing yet. i get sole destroyed at the slighetest thing. yeah, I have a huge sight problem, I get floaters, and loose my balnce.then regain it..its more for me though. i am extremley clumsy...perhaps due to bad eyesight. ive been told that i will never be able to drive, yet i am not disabled handicapped in anyway. but it is. I mean I had to leave work early to get several buses, to get to my child , in the sick kids today. I have glasses, when I wear them , everthing is reached ou in the right, and I miss eerything thtat happening in the left. if I dont wear them , I have heightened sense ot whats going on, so I dont wear them( I have good reason for this). I look really old now and ugly. i never thought I had a problem until I wanted to giev my children the best. i realise, its impossible, they will have to be good enough not to need me on the road. ( For me thats a huge handicap)I could write an endless story about how crap i am feeling, and how I wamt to improve my future, btu there is no quick renedy.....I just want to say one thin..be strong and stick your grounding..at the end of theday..( well we allknows what happens) but sometimesand I trulty hope there maybe a god ( not that iever belieevd) that our luck will go in our favour. it will eventully. I realsie that it is my handicap thats holding me back from everything. i am not immature, I manot horrible, I have a disability..that can never be fixed.

Don't ever believe you are less than a person because you have either a mental or physical "handicap". You are always going to be a worthy person. You will be ok! God makes no mistakes!

Thanks to whoever posted the above...I must admit though...I cant stop crying and know tonight Ill want a drink to numb this and to make my existence seem worth it. i am really depressed the only reason I am outmy bed is to feed my kids. I yelled at them today ( something which is pointless) but nothing seems to be getting through to them , they disrespect me, as much as my partner does, I think , in a relationship there has to be compromisdse, but if therer is no communication , therer can be no compromise....and I mean ...I just fed up with being "evil". I feel like moaning my head off to him, so he can pan my face in again and then I can get oout super quick, Really really sad its gone this way, I guess more relationships end this way than not. I didnt realise my dad used to beat my mum either, but there you have it. History all over again...and oh remeber these word ( if any egostati repeats thes)"Well.......HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING you wish to say to me....welll have you....like.........." Sory but I am so angry and depressed and really scared of what I might do that I dont know what to do. I want to scream FUCK off until my head explodes....sorrry for the abuse but I am really upset....oh and while my children were giving it disrespec t"Yes mummy " Whateveer to shut you up...I ring him for some support ( what a joke) and I started to scream at him...."I gave it all up just to be a mum...andf this is it 9 yrs dowb the line" and you , you didnt do anything to help.....his response"What did you give up....you gave nothing up" Excusemen, but i gave a good romance up, my ophysical body to his ( Bluh puke !!!!) My eyes, my dignity, my self respect .....my determination, my career, .....anything and everything what little I did have ....It all went to having a family ( with him) Dont get me wrong my children are probabaly the best thing that could or ever will happen to me....( That is tru) and true to say I adore tham but I aint being threated by ss anymore because of the wya he treats me, I aint begging fo money anymore, I am neveer going to put money in his account he want even help out with the birthdfday presents and has asked me to put money in the joint account ( asorry for thwe typoos and dont thtink anyone can understand this ) dont caere, it smaking me distaracted from that sharo object and box of pills in my cupboaroh and those scarves.....I need to stop buying scarves, Wish that bastard had starnagled me then this eveil cow would not be moaning on about how shit her life is ...and tlet the more needed get the need they deserve and not destroy the NHS, Grrrrrrr11111 Not going because I feel so sturng up ( sorry must admit I am not ) But god why did I not beg them to put me in a coma 3 weeks agio why???????Pls knock me out kill me I dont care anymore, theres nothing here. Nothing. Oh dear think I should go take a pill...fed up with this sinus thing too and my neck is so sosore, and getting worse. huh, picture this, dislocated hips , squint and a crooked neck.....I dont know stick my tongue out ,...My school teacher must have read kick me in the guts, and I am sure the teachers liked to have a good go tooo. really fed up.

Bloody neighbour has decided to keep pigeons ( ye flying rats) thats just outrageous- do they not need somesort of planning permission for that. if they dont ...then I am going to write a very long and lenghty latter to my Mp about how dangerous it is, especially for young children .....Disgusting.....god why ?????Could they not have got a pet dog, rabbit , guinea pig.....but domestic pigeons ( Bluh Puke !!!!!)I think Ill go get my cat that ionjection. hell sort them out...hes got sharp calws( Huh I should know!!!!!) think Ive still got one in my eye socket....dont know hard lump since that night I woke covered in blood. Oh that remindsd me I must wash thtese curtains ...blood stains that will never come out...Huh.....the pigeons will probably poo on them anyway...I cant think of anything worse ( to have in your small back garden) its just mad!!!! Or ami just mad

...just do not get the attraction!!! Okay, ive been busy today...neck healing I think..Sometimes I feel it bad and wanted to cry ( well this morning) but feeling better. Children have gone to grandparent shouse, ( no offence to them ( thank god) A night off!!! I made an apointment to see my GP, who in my estimations is a great guy, but now I am thinking...I dont want to go ...I dont want to be asked anymore questions...and really why am I going there if I am not dying????? I just read an article about fear...I guess its right..If you face it head on 'you get better. I used to be terrified of doctors, the dentist, needles and ( still am) heights and bizrre ( I know ) but open spaces...Ironic that one. Anyway, not so angry today , mind you took a chill pill before going to bed. Had the best nights sleep ever, and dont know what it is. Still ground to a hault with my partner though. If I could get him to listen , be a little more understanding, Id be much bett, and not pesetering people here ( well I think ) I hate this distance thing though....I cant get involved or on any level with my children ( when I feel like this) and grrr!!! The thing that goes through my head is this( I should be so very grateful for what I have, I have actually done ok, I think , all things considering. i could have been a lot worse. I hate ,rs angry..so thank goodness I shall never be a mrs. this is the difficulty, right much better on this stuff- is this stuff an opiate? anyway, but the problem is it puts the real issues at a level, sometimes I can even laugh about how desperately weird it is....I mean I dont know any other woman that would take this from a fella, then again no woman wants to speak to a friend about it ( as you do well i do feel abit of a failure for it) then there is this...this those women that discuss their new conservatory an d their fancy big houses and ...those woman that discuss keeping up with the jones. Okay, I am ashamed to admit that I have been so embarassed in the past at the state of my house, that I havent let certain friensd come here, I must admit thats just as bad. But That is exactly why...could you imagine Id be the talk of the school ..You should se her kitch o.O and dont go to the toilet o.O 8-| Okay, made me laugh ( mind you thats only funny if you know what Ive bee up to in the passed for god knows how many yrs. Anyway, what was I waffling on about?????? Worried about these floaters in my eyes. daughter said they were wobbling and wondering if thats why I am having dizzy spells. Doesnt make sense. Thought I was just tired. But i do all this worrying and really not put to any ease when they the proffesors find nothing wrong ( Mad :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S And if I have anything wrong, like this stupid toe thats not getting any better, because the cushion thing falls of, andfnd the insole ( well its bloody agony to wear) I thnk I shall be giving them back and ask them to try it Its not helping!!!!!! Okay, god talk about tangents sorry for goodness sake.( obviously I don tot believe in god) I mean anyway,if there were to be something wrong I think id have a heart attack...just to make the journey there a little shorter 8-| Lost it completely now. But this is the other thing. I have piles of paperwork to get through. ive demotivated myself due to finding out my tutor has died,,,,,cant believe that one...It must be in the name...I think and no offence to my father that I should change my name ;this one is jinxed!!!!!Anyway, hope your all good. what am I waffling on about...dont know!!!!

Ok guys, i was feeling like this for a week, then i told my friends about it, and my parents. i hated this feeling, i was telling myself i cant do this anymore because a week before i was enjoying life and laughing to every joke. so what i heard was i was depressed and i needed endorphins in my body. So i started running and relaxed for a whole week just watching funny videos on youtube , and everyday i've just been feeling better, and when i think back on it i feel like it was the weirdest experience ever, and now i feel like im almost back to the way i was. just try running a mile everyday :-) and eat healthy and i think you guys will feel better but yeah try watching funny movies and just relax people i hope this helped you guys out

OK guys and girls. Im a 19 year old male. i started to have this feeling about a week ago, and i broke down and i did know what to do. So i told my friends and family my feelings, like i thought to much, and i felt like i didnt have a mood, and time went by too fast, and it seemed like i was watching self in a movie. So i got feed back from them and they told me i was depressed, and lacked endorphins So what i did was watched funny movies, and looked up stand up comedy on youtube. and i started to run everyday, and i've been feeling better and almost at my normal stage now, and im glad this wasnt happening just to me. but yeah i hope my advice works -Quan

=[ I can't take this anymore... I think i have the same thing but I just don't know! I can't stop thinking about this surreal feeling and like nothing is real. Also, starting yesterday, I started having these wierd thoughts like what if this really isnt real... Specifically, the thought that maybe im actually in a hospital right now in a coma or that im asleep and this is one long vivid dream. Please Help, I've not seen a doctor but it is Thursday and my parents set up an appointment with me on Monday. At the moment I am in school typing this and this is usually the place that these panic attacks happen. By the way, Im a 17 year old male and my great grandmother and dog died within the same week, we lost our business, and lost our house thnx to the economy, is this just my brain's way of dealing with this? I wish i could make it stop!! Yet, when i get home today, Ill think, man was I really thinking that.. but it just doesnt leave my mind and im so scared it will stay like this FOREVER. I used to be a pretty socially active person and a chronic jokster and I dont understand how some "defence mechanism" in your brain can be so painful and hard to handle. Sometimes even at home i can't find comfort until my mom comes home and talk it out and most recently and lately, cry it out... I need help... it's really messing up my life.

Yeah man this is a way of your brain dealing with things, it's called depression and anxiety, but dont worry man it'll take time for you to heal and your normal so dont worry about it. you just need to get endorphins, and run an laugh i promiss u'll feel better

Hey Everyone i read your Posts im in my 30's and I personally have felt this way recently, i used to have panic attacks when i was a teenager, and im feeling much better now but i had a few recently and i have also felt wierd and strange like im not hear or something but in reality I am. I went to the Doctors and even had a cat-scan of my head Thank G-D they found nothing but I went to a phstchaitrist and psychlogist and they both think is anxiety and depression, they said i was working to many hours and it caused my body to break down, i was very nervous and tense I couldnt even leave my house for like a week, and didnt have much appetite either, i suggest u see yout doctors and dont feel nervous you guys will all be ok, also i suggest u see a therapist there is nothing wrong with it good luck to all of u stay strong and dont worry ive been ther done that.

Just not good today. All I am thinking about is why? Why?it goes round my head time again, and I cant focus let alone move. I dont know why I go back there? Maybe I am not doing enough! But when it takes over I physically cant move, and feel , almost as though i want to be taken away. Anyway, must go....cant stop thinking Ill be ok, Ill be able to have a drink tonight and that willl sort my crazy head out ...but shit thats no gooood ...and now have a a drink dependance problem, and fear to stop with drinking and really want to.Does this make sense to anyione?

Thanks for your comments everyone. Makes me feel like I'm not alone. I have been struggling with these feelings for a long time. It's about concentration I think and applying the eye of the tiger to everything you do. If you try and live in the moment and look fear right in the face and move through it, things are easier. Put your care into things that matter, rather than caring about stuff that's trivial. I figure if we're going to feel like this and have everything feel so surreal - let's fxxx with the feeling and turn it on it's head. Let's treat life as we're seperate to it and be our own character in our own show. Life is a stage and as we get older our stage is defined more and more by us. I think that's why these feelings happen, because we're becoming more and more the creators of our own realities. You choose how you want your reality to play out. That being said, I have low blood pressure aswell and feel like the inside of my ears are a little 'strange' (don't know how to put it). B vitamins and definetely EXERCISE helps. Also, if you don't eat meat, take an iron supplement. Apple cider vinegar in water is also helpful in 'waking you up'. Red wine is also good! (in moderation of course) Hope I don't sound like a righteous idiot - just wanted to share my findings with you. Thank you

Hey. I haven't read the whole thing. I am only posting because i read this yesterday when the same thing happened to me and i remember thinking "if someone knows whats happening id kill them if they didn't tell". So here: This is what i think happens (At least to me) Its only happend to me twice, both right after i played extensive amounts of Call Of Duty 4. Both times i basically lunged at the screen cause i was so into the game. What my theory was, that my brain gets so into the game that it has to change slightly so that the game seems like reality. Because it is so realistic, when i stop playing my brain continues to think that i am playing a game (Any realistic, first person game) because you see things first person too, just like the game. This is what causes the feeling that youre not actually there and just controlling yourself (as if with a controller,like the game) Anyway, im selling it cause i don't like the feeling either, but if any of you play it, try stopping for a while, it helped me completely.

I never actuallt believed that stimuli like computer games encouraged bad behaviour...But you have a point...I know exactly what you mean..Its like you come out of a really good movie, that you really enjoyed and got so invoved in that ..the calm me down is massive and nothing can quite reach to that , to those thoughts, until a few hrs later, and its back to reality. I dont know if I can do this. My Gp gave me benzosyesterday ( kinda begged, coz ill do anything to stop drinking , but just cant seem to,,,anywaym Chemist was closed yesterdayso not starterd yet. going today..I am determined to stop beating myself up with the alcohol and to stop beating me up because I feel incredibly guilty that I do it...Then Ill just feel rubbish ( as before) ill just be a quiet mouse, not be able to spk or voivce any opinion and crumble...How am I going to get confidenc???? but theres no excuse for drinking...I dont understand people who inject drugs UI havent got a clue what thats all about, ut I do understand addiction and why people learn things that help that are bad for them. Anyway..I was feeling strong, ready, determined...But Now, not so sure. I dont think I am even ready to sort my situation..I havent any money..and the very idea of cutting off from the people I love the msot kills me...Already been to 4 funerals this year, and the idea of having to cut my closest to me off is just shit. I cant do that. I can control my own behaviour though...theres no excuse. sorry jibbering here..just trying to work it out...aIll think of something. Oh so bungerd up....must dash ...and guest ..those computer games are dangerous..stay away from them...I mean you stay away from the games and Ill stay away from the wine..Take care

The same symptoms happened to me after o smoke a very strong weed. but it got better and better when i started eating lots of fruits and drinking a tea. If anyone is interested please add me to msn so we can talk about it and share our experiences and of course help each other. Thanks!!!