I'm feeling confused, I have problems with finding true friends, I feel lonely

Hey, here's an update for you guys. Lately there hasnt been much progress. Actually im pretty sure I somehow went backwards. I have hardly talked to her because I dont get a chance and my immature friends act like idiots around her, she then gets the impression that since im their friend I am probably as immature and childish as them. So yeah, things have not gone very well for me so far. Also, from time to time she would call us idiots or stuff like that. I know it really isnt much but since she means so much to me, what she thinks of me means a lot to me. I makes me feel really bad when it happens. Like, while my friends just ignore it. I feel cold in my chest as if cold blood had just passed through my heart. It makes me really sad when I think about it when im alone, because I don't hold back my feelings as much and I just start to feel very self conscious. I look at my self in the mirror and just dispise what I see there. A tall and skinny guy with a big nose and some acne and disgusting brown eyes. I can see the bone on my wrist. I can see the veins in my arms clearly. Im like some skeleton. Then I just start to wonder about or occupy myself in order to get my mind off that. I feel as if I am not good enough for her. As if I wasnt good enough for anybody. Her boyfriend was a good looking guy. He had a good reputation at school. A lot of girls had a crush on him. Then I think about her and compare myself to her boyfriend. And I just feel like an awful human being.

Hi Johnny
Sorry to hear that things have not gone so well.
Your classmates acting the way they do is just boys being boys kinda deal her calling you guys idiots could very well not even be directed at you whatsoever but being part of the group it probably feels like it is. From what you have said you’re not caring on like the other guys so she is probably not even thinking of you when she says that.
Give yourself a break there is a lot more to people than their appearance and being tall and thin with a bit bigger nose is nothing and a teen with acne is a guaranteed thing.
You seem like your kind of hung up on convincing yourself that maybe there is no way she could ever like you.
Focus on all the positive aspects about yourself and dismiss the negative thoughts and feeling as just a bit of self-doubt.
Try not to compare yourself to others and if you are only focusing on what you think are the negative aspects of your appearance your stressing yourself out over nothing and your appearance has absolutely nothing to do with the kind of person you are.

Update for you guys. Things have started to really go downhill. I dont sit anywhere close to her. I hardly hangout around her. There are even days when I didnt even say hello to her. I dont really get the chance to anymore. I mean, all the advice and support you guys are giving me is great but, when it comes down to saying something to her my body just wont let me. Sometimes im actually too scared to say hi when passing by her. Im pathetic sometimes. Oh and to top it all off, we are both going to different high schools and im still too afraid to even say hi! You guys are great, you guys give me a lot of support. A lot of the problem is within me. I cant bring myself to do it. I dont know how this could be so hard. I know it isnt. It seems pretty easy actually. But at the same time it feels impossible. Why? Ive been through a much worse before, a hell. But how could this just freeze me? How could the answer seem so simple yet feel so complicated?Why cant I do it? Why does she matter so much to me? Why am I willing to give up the whole world just for her?

Hi Johnny
It could be that you are just not ready to get into a relationship at the moment.
Like you have said you have been through a lot and never said what happened and that is fine but the scars from a traumatic event can be very deep and can influence every aspect of your life sometimes without being noticed.
This asking a girl out is simple thing but could it be that in order to do this you would have to leave your comfort zone and possibly remove barriers that you have in place that keep you well and in a safe place.
You have a massive crush on this girl which is perfectly normal but maybe between you and your worker you could do some work on relationships and preparing for the different aspects of relationships.
Without knowing all the details it seems that there are some underlying issues that are perhaps at the moment preventing you from moving forward with this.
Maybe it is time to look at what is best for you and your well-being.

I agree you said you had a really terrible past that you did not elaborate on... Perhaps like mike said there are things worrying you or holding you back from that

Well, ive had a lot of past trauma. I didnt grow up very well. There was a lot of death and violence when I was little... I've actually experienced a lot of.. sexual abuse. I really hate talking about that. I have not told anybody that and I dont plan on doing that any time soon. There were also a lot of disputes in between families. My father was shot dead when I was five. Many people in my families were harmed over these disputes. I hardly talk about Iit with anyone. But I don't know how it could seriously hold me back on trying to start a relationship. Well, I can kind of see it. Theres a lot of being lied to that ive had to grow up with. And a lot of losing loved ones. I guess that if I start a relationship with her I woild be affraid of losing her you know? Im kind of looking for being able to trust her with.. stuff like THIS. So I guess thats were all the lies come in. I don't have anyone I can trust really. Im affraid to speak to my mother or my brother and sister. I just dont like the idea of them being in my personal life. I dont trust my friends much either because we can all turn our backs on eachother in a heartbeat and I recognize that. And my counselor, well I just dont like the idea of people who I know like in face to face, to know about these type of feelings. Actually, I guess im also trying to get a lot of stuff offf my chest with her help. I dont know why but I just feel that if I were to start a relationship with her, I could completely trust her with anything in the world. I just feel secure (as in that I could really trust her) with her. These feelings just get so out of control that I just don't know what to say anymore. Thanks for the support guys.

Hi Johnny

That is so unfortunate that you have been through so many horrific things at such a young age.

I apologize for bringing up the issues in your past and hope it has not upset you by taking you back to such unpleasant times.

Your scars from past events in your young life are understandably deep and these will influence how you react to people and your ability to trust people, when you have experienced so much a somewhat closed world with barriers in place to keep you safe is completely understandable.

With all you have been through your fears and doubts are justified when so much has been taken away from you or you have been hurt deeply by people that you probably trusted a great deal.

I think you are doing amazingly well and you r courage to continue to work on different aspects of your life with your worker will continue to benefit you and help with your overall well-being.

I feel there will be a time when you meet that someone that you can drop your guard with and share your thoughts and feelings with in safety.

There are different coping strategies that we use in our lives and denial is among them and a buried issue tends to remain unresolved but still influences the ability to move on.

Something to think about maybe when the time is right.

At the present time would it be best for you overall if you decided keeping your friendships and relationships on just more of a casual basis.

Has your councillor ever talked to you about a program called WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan)?

You’re doing well Johnny and you seem to be coping well and as you continue you may decide to address other issues that you have stayed away from but only if and when you feel it is needed and you are ready.

Again I apologize for taking you to such a painful point in your life but I am also hoping that being able to open up about this may have been beneficial for you.

Some time would be well spent with your worker on relationships the good, the bad and the what if aspects including worst case scenario.  Johnny perhaps when you’re ready and have all the tools in place along with the confidence in yourself that you can do this no matter what the outcome is that first step towards a relationship will happen much easier for you.

Speaking of downhill. Today I found out that.. she is still dating him. I don't know why I tried again. After she started dating him a year back, I tried to move on but when he changed schools. I dont know why I would go for such a small bit of hope. I basically just ended up breaking my own heart again. Im probably not going to see her again after graduation. Im hoping to get over this soon. Well, thank you guys for all the help and support you've given me. You guys are awesome. Goodbye.

You have a serious crush on her Johnny that’s why you went for that glimmer of hope and there is nothing wrong with that and it shows you have come a long way.
You tried hard and did well to cross some barriers in an effort to get to know her and give her a chance to get to know you.
Maybe this time it didn’t work out but you should be proud of yourself for doing so well through all of this.
The hurt will heal and when you’re ready you will take that chance.
Good Luck.

Im so sorry it didn't work but as mike said you overcame some big barriers that have held you back. There are plenty of others and you never know what the future holds you may cross paths with her in the future and things may be different. For now I would continue just being you and true to yourself :). High school can be stressfull and while the "popular kids" usually say high school is the best time you your life, I think I speak for the majority and say it's NOT! You have a whole life in front of you man and when your ready to deal/ overcome more barrier from your past go for it! Things will get better. I hope you have found some relief/comfort in coming here and know that if you ever need to talk again or work through other issues you know you can come here. I also encourage you to slowly try to seek some friends who you can interact with face to face :) reading words of support and encouragement are big but physical support is huge :). Best of luck hope to hear from you here any there

Hello,

This is your teen age and in this age these types of problems happen. If you have problem with your friends then make new friends, spend time with them. You'll be okay with the time. This is very sensitive time period of your life, you should concentrate on your study.