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So, I found out that I was pregnant about 3 weeks ago. I was scared but I had friends by my side. I had given myself certain rules when I was 16 if I had ever found out that I was pregnant. These rules were used to determine if I was to keep the child.
    1. If I was in a committed relationship. 2. If I was over the age of 25 years old. 3. If I was financially secure. 4. If, no matter what, the father would be there.

None of these were there. I'm 23, single, going through school, and the father wanted nothing to do with the child. I had one clear decision. I thought long and hard and did research and I knew what I had to do. There really was no other option.

I scheduled my appointment for a Thursday. A great friend of mine drove me to the clinic and we walked in. I was afraid, scared, and numb. I knew exactly what I was doing. They did an ultra-sound and that's when I found out exactly how far along I was; 14 weeks. I couldn't look at my child. I didn't have the courage to see the living, breathing, helpless thing inside of me. So, instead of the 1 day process, it became 2 days. The pain was horrible because it wasn't just the physical pain it was the emotional pain as well. I went back in the next day, Friday. The procedure took less then 15 minutes. I was dilated to about 2 inches and they put a tube up and sucked my baby out. It was gone. I felt it leave. That night I didn't sleep. I couldn't allow myself to sleep. I thought it was wrong. The next night was even harder. I had a banquet that I was expected to be at, so I went. No one knew about it there except 2 of my closest friends. I felt alone and empty. Later that night I finally cried. I let my emotions be seen. Everything just came out in full force. The friend that was there stayed with me the whole night. He held on to me and let me cry.

I killed my child that was inside of me. The one thing that could have loved me the fiercest is gone and I am the one that chose to let it die. How am I supposed to let myself be okay with that? How am I supposed to look to the future when a future was inside of me for 14 weeks? I know I made the correct decision. It's the feeling of emptiness and the feeling of being alone that is killing me inside. I have great friends that know everything, I just can't seem to open up to them. What do I do?


You need to get it out. Talk to one of your closest friends. You may need to have some after care which i am sure is offered thru the clinic where you had the procedure. Stop thinking about the tubes and the sucking and the killing and just know that you made the decision that was the best for you. If you keep dwelling on that stuff you will drive yourself crazy.
I had 2 abortions, a long time ago. I will never forget. Trust me, it gets easier as time goes by. Everyday will get a little better for you. This obviously wasn't a snap decision as you researched it before hand.
You will have regrets for sure and you will go thru all kinds of emotions, but in the long run, you will make it.
I think about what i did years ago and i tell myself that it was okay. Very few people knew at the time and it was never ever brought up again once i closed the chapter.
Both my daughters had one also. They are not bad girls, they made mistakes. Today they are happy with their children. When they came to me and told me they were pregnant, i left the decision up to them. What kind of person would i be if i condemed them for getting pregnant? They knew that i would have been there to support them either way, and i was.
Eventually hon, you will find the right man to be a husband and a dad, but for now try to move past your issue, just a little.
You are a good girl, and it sounds like you have a promising future ahead of you. One morning you will wake up and that heavy sad feeling will feel lighter for you. Take it slow, you are allowed to grieve, it really is okay.
Feel free to pm me any time. I do understand, and your not alone.
Hugs to you Bluegirl85.


dear bluegirl 85,
reading your post its as if i have written it myself. I was 7 weeks pregnant when i had my abortion just over 3 weeks ago. i am feeling the exact same, i had two great friends who helped me organise and go through the aborton and who offer their support to me all the time saying they are there to listen but i dont feel as if i can talk to them because it was my choice to get rid of my baby so why am i feeling like this and i'm worrried that they'll get fed up listening to me. another thing thats bothering me is the fact i have only been seeing the man i got pregnant to for over two months and we werent official. when i found i was pregnant i was shocked and worried and became closed of i didnt want to see or hear from him. He was off travelling for a month in asia I felt it was something i could deal with on my own and the sooner the better so i couldnt change my mind. i was worried he would tell others and if i did abort the baby they would then be there to judge me. nearly a month since my abortion the man has been in constant contact with me and is wondering why i'm shutting him out when we were beginning to become so close. i really miss him and a part of me is aching to tell him but what good would that do now. I'm so worried how'll he react if i tell yet how can i ever face him again knowing the lie and secret i'm living with. I really dont know what to do.