I'm still with you Drum and I'm feeling great.
I get the urge from time to time but it's easily controllable and goes away fast. I don't have the cravings anymore and haven't in a long while.
This weekend is 3.5 months...crazy but I'm starting to lose track. My original goal was 3 months but to be honest, I am feeling so good I'm going to extend that to at least 6 months. I haven't had such clear thoughts and mental clarity in a long while. Sleep is easy, I'm exercising good, and I do dream but not quite like I did at first or at least it's not as vivid and don't recall them like at first.
I'll always be a stoner and think about week from time to time but I may never go back. Like you, I may celebrate on my bday in December but maybe not. I like not worrying about scoring again when I get low, I'm waaay more sociable now, I have serious mental clarity all day and I like all of that.
So, while being hi is fun and a great feeling, now that I'm clean I think the feelings I have now outweigh the feeling of being stoned.
I'm more "into" life now it seems.
Stay strong and keep me updated! Hope all goes well with the kid!
I get the urge from time to time but it's easily controllable and goes away fast. I don't have the cravings anymore and haven't in a long while.
This weekend is 3.5 months...crazy but I'm starting to lose track. My original goal was 3 months but to be honest, I am feeling so good I'm going to extend that to at least 6 months. I haven't had such clear thoughts and mental clarity in a long while. Sleep is easy, I'm exercising good, and I do dream but not quite like I did at first or at least it's not as vivid and don't recall them like at first.
I'll always be a stoner and think about week from time to time but I may never go back. Like you, I may celebrate on my bday in December but maybe not. I like not worrying about scoring again when I get low, I'm waaay more sociable now, I have serious mental clarity all day and I like all of that.
So, while being hi is fun and a great feeling, now that I'm clean I think the feelings I have now outweigh the feeling of being stoned.
I'm more "into" life now it seems.
Stay strong and keep me updated! Hope all goes well with the kid!
Hi everyone. I've been reading few of your posts, and just want to say that I'm a little amazed on how all you are doing very well. Texashound having a plan to go up to three months, and now extending that to six months is great. And mkdrumhead as I see you are also doing great.
At one point it is very good that you have needs from time to time, and the best part of this is that you are really strong enough to overcome them.
Mkdrumhead, what about cigarettes? I read at one of your earlier posts that you will quite them also. Are you still considering this? Have you tried maybe?
At one point it is very good that you have needs from time to time, and the best part of this is that you are really strong enough to overcome them.
Mkdrumhead, what about cigarettes? I read at one of your earlier posts that you will quite them also. Are you still considering this? Have you tried maybe?
Hi there
Day 1 for me! I've been smoking a pipe for about the last 10 years. I get through about a quarter every other week. Whilst I would say that I used to smoke recreationally, I have been smoking every day for as long as I can remember now. The only real breaks were through two pregnancies and a six week break at the beginning of the year. I guess if I'm honest I'm scared of what life will be like without weed. I tend to use it now to numb out and not think about life. Don't get me wrong, I have 2 brilliant kids and a lovely partner (who also smokes but who can take it or leave it) and I'm not unhappy with my life but I have unresolved family issues which I'm working on with my counsellor. I'm just in a place where I recognise that I'm not really getting the most out of life because I'm wasted every evening.
Anyway, a short post just to introduce myself and say I'll take each day as it comes but I am really looking forward to not munching (I eat so much I make myself feel sick!) but I'm not looking forward to the insomnia which will inevitably bother me for the first few days.
Anyone else quitting today?
Day 1 for me! I've been smoking a pipe for about the last 10 years. I get through about a quarter every other week. Whilst I would say that I used to smoke recreationally, I have been smoking every day for as long as I can remember now. The only real breaks were through two pregnancies and a six week break at the beginning of the year. I guess if I'm honest I'm scared of what life will be like without weed. I tend to use it now to numb out and not think about life. Don't get me wrong, I have 2 brilliant kids and a lovely partner (who also smokes but who can take it or leave it) and I'm not unhappy with my life but I have unresolved family issues which I'm working on with my counsellor. I'm just in a place where I recognise that I'm not really getting the most out of life because I'm wasted every evening.
Anyway, a short post just to introduce myself and say I'll take each day as it comes but I am really looking forward to not munching (I eat so much I make myself feel sick!) but I'm not looking forward to the insomnia which will inevitably bother me for the first few days.
Anyone else quitting today?
hey texashound did you have any problems with anxiety from the withdrawls, I am at almost 8 weeks and i still have a lingering anxiety that bothers me..
OK so day 1 was OK. The main things I felt yesterday were anxiety, paranoia that I wouldn't sleep and a sense of loss. I made sure I was really tired before I went to bed and sleep pretty well considering. I woke up a couple of times but went straight back off. This morning I feel as though my right arm has been cut off. I'm obviously chuffed that I made it through Day 1 but the thought of it being another day and then another just fills me with dread. I just want to be on my own which is hard with two small children but it's bearable I have to say.
I must admit though it did feel pretty good when I woke up this morning not feeling as though i'd eaten a horse - no bloated feeling but my appetite has definitely taken a hit which is probably a good thing.
My main fear is that I will replace weed with another addiction. First it was cigarettes, then alcohol, then weed and when I gave up at the beginning of the year for a few weeks it became food. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm doing this for myself and I'm in a stronger place mentally then I have ever been. I'm not sure why I tend sabotage my success or feel that I'm not worthy but perhaps this time will be different.
Lets see if I can get through Day 2
I must admit though it did feel pretty good when I woke up this morning not feeling as though i'd eaten a horse - no bloated feeling but my appetite has definitely taken a hit which is probably a good thing.
My main fear is that I will replace weed with another addiction. First it was cigarettes, then alcohol, then weed and when I gave up at the beginning of the year for a few weeks it became food. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm doing this for myself and I'm in a stronger place mentally then I have ever been. I'm not sure why I tend sabotage my success or feel that I'm not worthy but perhaps this time will be different.
Lets see if I can get through Day 2
Made it through Day 2 although I was possibly in the worst mood I'd been in for a very long time. Spent a lot of today crying too. Appetite OK although nowhere near as hungry as usual. Spent the evening wondering what the hell to do (that's one of the hardest points at the mo, especially as I can't get out of the house of an evening). Have some vague feelings of wanting to do exercise LOL!!!
Started thinking what was the point of life without weed - fleeting and daft but it was there anyway.
Slept OK but not as good as first night. I remember thinking 'I can't sleep' but I didn't have to get up or anything like that.
Woke up this morning feeling good for getting through another day but I don't feel good. I just feel dull and bored!!!
Let's see how Day 3 goes.
Started thinking what was the point of life without weed - fleeting and daft but it was there anyway.
Slept OK but not as good as first night. I remember thinking 'I can't sleep' but I didn't have to get up or anything like that.
Woke up this morning feeling good for getting through another day but I don't feel good. I just feel dull and bored!!!
Let's see how Day 3 goes.
Hi random,
It is hard that you are going through this even with two small children. It seams that your first day was better then second. I hope that you third day won't be bad as second. If you change this with food, at least you can eat healthy food. You don't have to eat everything. And try to have more vitamins in your body from fruit.
And if you have feeling of doing exercises, then do them. Sweat your self a little bit.
Keep us posted.
It is hard that you are going through this even with two small children. It seams that your first day was better then second. I hope that you third day won't be bad as second. If you change this with food, at least you can eat healthy food. You don't have to eat everything. And try to have more vitamins in your body from fruit.
And if you have feeling of doing exercises, then do them. Sweat your self a little bit.
Keep us posted.
reading the posts on this site has inspired me. I've been using marijuana since I was 16 off and on. I'm now 34 yrs old and am finally wanting to quit, or at least really cut back.
lateley it seems to be causing me very high anxiety. It's starting to affect my work and social life. The anxiety is so bad sometimes I can't even function. I even am having a hard time talking. Sometimes I can't verbalize the words I want to say. This is very frustrating/embarrassing because I've always prided myself on my intellect. I have a very good job in the computer science field and I believe this is starting to effect my work. I've even went to work high a few times which I totally regret. I'm convinced some people know and am obsessing about it.
I've been trying to cut down my use to every 3rd or 4th day. But I'm having a hard time doing that. The cravings are overwhelming at times. I really don't use that much, an 1/8 oz usually lasts a month and I usually only smoke one or two hits at a a time, but it was daily use for a long time. It's amazing how powerful it is. I never realized how much it effects me until I started to cut down. After a day or two sober I feel like a genius and am a lot calmer and more rational.
Then it subsides and withdrawals kick in. I get very irritable, that's probably the worst symptom for me. some insomnia. But the anxiety seems to be reduced when I'm not smoking. I have to quit if I want to live a meaningful life. Today I even called in to work because I felt so shitty most likely from staying up late and smoking last night, I just wanted to lay in bed all day.
I've also struggled with alcohol in my life, but I've cut way back on drinking too as this has caused me many problems. I'm trying very hard to only drink in moderation, so far it's been working pretty good, but I haven't been perfect. I fear that if I quit pot cold turkey that I'll start drinking more. It seems I go thru these cycles where I'll be fine for a while, then the need to drink or smoke or both is overwhelming.
I'm going to start tomorrow. I'll post back with progress. thanks in advance for any support.
lateley it seems to be causing me very high anxiety. It's starting to affect my work and social life. The anxiety is so bad sometimes I can't even function. I even am having a hard time talking. Sometimes I can't verbalize the words I want to say. This is very frustrating/embarrassing because I've always prided myself on my intellect. I have a very good job in the computer science field and I believe this is starting to effect my work. I've even went to work high a few times which I totally regret. I'm convinced some people know and am obsessing about it.
I've been trying to cut down my use to every 3rd or 4th day. But I'm having a hard time doing that. The cravings are overwhelming at times. I really don't use that much, an 1/8 oz usually lasts a month and I usually only smoke one or two hits at a a time, but it was daily use for a long time. It's amazing how powerful it is. I never realized how much it effects me until I started to cut down. After a day or two sober I feel like a genius and am a lot calmer and more rational.
Then it subsides and withdrawals kick in. I get very irritable, that's probably the worst symptom for me. some insomnia. But the anxiety seems to be reduced when I'm not smoking. I have to quit if I want to live a meaningful life. Today I even called in to work because I felt so shitty most likely from staying up late and smoking last night, I just wanted to lay in bed all day.
I've also struggled with alcohol in my life, but I've cut way back on drinking too as this has caused me many problems. I'm trying very hard to only drink in moderation, so far it's been working pretty good, but I haven't been perfect. I fear that if I quit pot cold turkey that I'll start drinking more. It seems I go thru these cycles where I'll be fine for a while, then the need to drink or smoke or both is overwhelming.
I'm going to start tomorrow. I'll post back with progress. thanks in advance for any support.
Hi obiwan,
if it is too hard for you to quit it then the good thing would be to cut it back. If you manage to take it every 3th of 4th day that would be good. After that you will see that you probably can do more. I really hope that you will succeed in you goal. Keep us posted on your condition. Best of luck.
if it is too hard for you to quit it then the good thing would be to cut it back. If you manage to take it every 3th of 4th day that would be good. After that you will see that you probably can do more. I really hope that you will succeed in you goal. Keep us posted on your condition. Best of luck.
So I'm just getting done with my 2nd day with no weed. The last couple days have been tough, real high anxiety and trouble having normal coversations. Also have been pretty depressed and not wanting to do anything. No energy. I'm also having trouble sleeping which is adding to my fatigue. I think I'm going to try and go to bed early tonite and get 8 hours before work in the morning.
I'm posting for two reasons. one, i think this is a great way to help myself continue to quit. two, maybe my story can help someone else stop. I started when i got into college. I guess everyone has a story about why we started, but I don't think it matters how we start, but more how we are gonna stop.
I was smoking every day for 12 years. although i have a good job, with a decent pay, its no where close to where my potential is. and I have to live with that knowledge. There is no way to get back those years, but i'm at peace with myself for my mistake. part of being ready to give up is being able to accept the responsibility of this. I know i made excuses for myself to smoke. either family issues, or personal issues or something. It was like, i wanted bad things to happen to me, so that I could use the excuse that ahh, i have to smoke cuz i'm soo stressed out. but really, its because i love being stoned.
I've been clean for 8 days. I've been trying to quit for 8 years, actually i don't know how long, I just know, I've always known i shouldn't smoke so much, but after you smoke, you forget about that....so really, it was like ground hogs day. It was like everyday I woke up thinking hmm, i want to quit today, then you smoke, then you forget.....x100000000.
I share all of your stories. I can read thru everyone's post and chuckle a little because i can remember that feeling. Yeah, the first week is hard physically. and after your head starts clearing, you start thinking, wow, i am doing so well, i should reward myself with a smoke.....but i think after i've done this cycle for about 100 times. thinking i balance, but i can't.
Sometimes you have to make a decision to go against your own instincts, because you know your mind is going to fuk with you. gonna tell you how weak you are that you can't control your bud intake. or that jeez, its just bud, who cares.
I think the hardest thing for me is always know why i'm quitting. as time goes on, you forget, and you can talk yourself back into smoking. I'm quitting, because i know how much potential i have, and i know, i'm no where close to that. i always have wished i could just be high for 2 hours, and then all of those other side affects wouldn't come. I'm constantly battling my weight, and i'm always putting off things i want to do.
I know i'm sorta just rambling on. and my story probably doesn't flow very well. I'm just trying to put my feelings down on whatever i'm thinking right now, based on what i've read. I want to continue posting, and just sharing stories.
Day 8. my appetite is rebounding. i get moody. i get emotional. i get stuck. i have plans to go do something. maybe golf range, maybe meet up with some friends. but i end up not going and just sitting in front of my tv. I feel like sometimes i punishing myself subconsciencly. Like, if you don't smoke, you don't get to have a good time. iono. that's weird. i do feel good. first 3 days, i was sweating in bed. yeah, i get the insomnia. i went mountain biking yesterday. I was soooo tired. as i woke up at 7am. well, i went to a bbq, had some food, anyways, got home, around 11pm, I was soo tired, thought about how great i was gonna sleep. took a nice shower, got into bed, yawned, ahhh, feel great. Turn off the light, and OMG, next thing i know, its 3am, and I'm still up. ARGH.
its not fun. but you get thru it. I hope to post again next weekend to you all, to tell you guys that hey i'm on day 15.
to everyone who's on day 1 or day 100. i sincerely admire what you have done. to those who have fell off the wagon and started again, I say today is a new day to quit. and don't stop trying, even if you break.
Best of luck to everyone, see you guys next week.
I was smoking every day for 12 years. although i have a good job, with a decent pay, its no where close to where my potential is. and I have to live with that knowledge. There is no way to get back those years, but i'm at peace with myself for my mistake. part of being ready to give up is being able to accept the responsibility of this. I know i made excuses for myself to smoke. either family issues, or personal issues or something. It was like, i wanted bad things to happen to me, so that I could use the excuse that ahh, i have to smoke cuz i'm soo stressed out. but really, its because i love being stoned.
I've been clean for 8 days. I've been trying to quit for 8 years, actually i don't know how long, I just know, I've always known i shouldn't smoke so much, but after you smoke, you forget about that....so really, it was like ground hogs day. It was like everyday I woke up thinking hmm, i want to quit today, then you smoke, then you forget.....x100000000.
I share all of your stories. I can read thru everyone's post and chuckle a little because i can remember that feeling. Yeah, the first week is hard physically. and after your head starts clearing, you start thinking, wow, i am doing so well, i should reward myself with a smoke.....but i think after i've done this cycle for about 100 times. thinking i balance, but i can't.
Sometimes you have to make a decision to go against your own instincts, because you know your mind is going to fuk with you. gonna tell you how weak you are that you can't control your bud intake. or that jeez, its just bud, who cares.
I think the hardest thing for me is always know why i'm quitting. as time goes on, you forget, and you can talk yourself back into smoking. I'm quitting, because i know how much potential i have, and i know, i'm no where close to that. i always have wished i could just be high for 2 hours, and then all of those other side affects wouldn't come. I'm constantly battling my weight, and i'm always putting off things i want to do.
I know i'm sorta just rambling on. and my story probably doesn't flow very well. I'm just trying to put my feelings down on whatever i'm thinking right now, based on what i've read. I want to continue posting, and just sharing stories.
Day 8. my appetite is rebounding. i get moody. i get emotional. i get stuck. i have plans to go do something. maybe golf range, maybe meet up with some friends. but i end up not going and just sitting in front of my tv. I feel like sometimes i punishing myself subconsciencly. Like, if you don't smoke, you don't get to have a good time. iono. that's weird. i do feel good. first 3 days, i was sweating in bed. yeah, i get the insomnia. i went mountain biking yesterday. I was soooo tired. as i woke up at 7am. well, i went to a bbq, had some food, anyways, got home, around 11pm, I was soo tired, thought about how great i was gonna sleep. took a nice shower, got into bed, yawned, ahhh, feel great. Turn off the light, and OMG, next thing i know, its 3am, and I'm still up. ARGH.
its not fun. but you get thru it. I hope to post again next weekend to you all, to tell you guys that hey i'm on day 15.
to everyone who's on day 1 or day 100. i sincerely admire what you have done. to those who have fell off the wagon and started again, I say today is a new day to quit. and don't stop trying, even if you break.
Best of luck to everyone, see you guys next week.
Hey Everybody, I have to say that I feel like I know you guys because I've been reading your posts late at night every night for the past 7 days... the toughest 7 days I've had in years, since they've been chronic-free. I never thought I'd be contributing to something like this, but then again, I never thought I'd quit smoking the herb.
I turned 30 years old 7 days ago, and I had a bit of a freak-out. Admitting that I'm a 30 year old addict was a stark realization. I started smoking in University over a decade ago, and I quickly went daily. After school, I used it to help me through tough times and to help me deal with depression/anxiety (probably from the herb in the first place.)
The strange thing is, I always enjoyed smoking... especially with my friends. I used it to enhance EVERYTHING!! I can't remember the last Christmas morning that I didn't wake up and do a bong-hit, only to try and hide the red-eyes from my family. My friends all smoke, and I've decided to see how long I can go without it.
At first I wanted to stop for a few weeks as my bud (close friend who also smokes everyday) is on a trip overseas where he won't be smoking for 3 weeks. I was jealous of the trip, but more jealous of the dry-period. THREE WEEKS seems like an eternity to me. I've been smoking daily for 10 years+! I've quit for a week or so before, but always regressed back to a daily ritual. I'm a professional, and my career is fine... I could probably do better, but I'm very successful compared to friends, so there's been no motivation to stop. I have a very happy life with a wonderful wife, friends and family... which always helped me think that there's no reason to quit.
It wasn't until tonight that I thought... "Do I want to smoke again?" This three week goal is helped by the thought that at the end, I can smoke again. Hopefully not everyday, maybe weekends or occasional smoking... but maybe I shouldn't again for a long time. I'm scared that by thinking of never smoking again, I'll just quit-quitting like I have in the past and regress back to regular, daily use. Sure it's a trick on myself, but I'm on day 7 and I'm still strong in my desire to quit.
Regardless... I'm rambling, and I'm just hoping to join in this amazing support group. I feel like you're the only ones who can understand my mental battles with myself. Sometimes my brain totally convinces me that I can smoke without consequence. WHO CARES about my 3wk goal? Why not smoke tonight and start again tomorrow? You won't go back to everyday... but then I think... "It IS only a day without smoking... just give it another clean day and re-evaluate tomorrow." It's helped... but not as much as reading your stories. Thank you.
It was getting much easier every day... but today may have been the toughest day to date! I was almost shaking I craved it so badly. My mind was racing and all I could think about was sitting down to start the ritual of doing a big bong hit to relax/escape. I've quit smoking cigarettes before, and it was easier than the craving I had tonight. I'm scared that I'll give in one of these days... even my mental resolve to quit has weakened.
Sorry for the continued rambling, but I feel like if I tell you guys about my story... maybe it'll help give me the power I need to stay sober for another couple of weeks (and then evaluate my situation from that point... hopefully staying clean for a while longer, but that thought scares me too.)
I have been drinking a beer/red-wine lately to help me feel tired and relax at night. My appitite is returning, though i'm not binge-eating like I do with pot at midnight every single night (I could eat a bag of chips a night, and then a sandwich while I wait for the microwave to warm up leftovers... and I'm tired of being overweight and out of shape.)
My anxiety this morning before work was terrible... I actually broke down. I hope it's just the withdrawal... has anybody experienced this before after a week of being clean?? Why did it get worse after a week sober?? That's a tough pill to swallow. It almost seems like there's no light at the end of this tunnel.
I just need some support... and I'm afraid that if I tell my friends, they'd just coerce me to join in on a session. They aren't bad people, but addicts who don't believe they are addicts will convince others as easily as they convince themselves (I know from experience... I'm sad to say that I've started daily habits in some of my friends.)
Anyways... about to hit the sack to get some rest to attack Day 8. I'd love to be able to write that I went 3 weeks and I could tell my buddy when he returns that I spent the same 3 weeks clean on my own motivation. Maybe that's why I'm writing... so I'll fear the failure.
Good luck to everybody out there. You may feel alone, but believe me... there are people hanging on every word you type. And we appreciate your time and efforts. We're out there too... fighting through the days and nights to regain control.
I never thought I'd be 30 years old and an addict. It's tough to write, but it's important.
I turned 30 years old 7 days ago, and I had a bit of a freak-out. Admitting that I'm a 30 year old addict was a stark realization. I started smoking in University over a decade ago, and I quickly went daily. After school, I used it to help me through tough times and to help me deal with depression/anxiety (probably from the herb in the first place.)
The strange thing is, I always enjoyed smoking... especially with my friends. I used it to enhance EVERYTHING!! I can't remember the last Christmas morning that I didn't wake up and do a bong-hit, only to try and hide the red-eyes from my family. My friends all smoke, and I've decided to see how long I can go without it.
At first I wanted to stop for a few weeks as my bud (close friend who also smokes everyday) is on a trip overseas where he won't be smoking for 3 weeks. I was jealous of the trip, but more jealous of the dry-period. THREE WEEKS seems like an eternity to me. I've been smoking daily for 10 years+! I've quit for a week or so before, but always regressed back to a daily ritual. I'm a professional, and my career is fine... I could probably do better, but I'm very successful compared to friends, so there's been no motivation to stop. I have a very happy life with a wonderful wife, friends and family... which always helped me think that there's no reason to quit.
It wasn't until tonight that I thought... "Do I want to smoke again?" This three week goal is helped by the thought that at the end, I can smoke again. Hopefully not everyday, maybe weekends or occasional smoking... but maybe I shouldn't again for a long time. I'm scared that by thinking of never smoking again, I'll just quit-quitting like I have in the past and regress back to regular, daily use. Sure it's a trick on myself, but I'm on day 7 and I'm still strong in my desire to quit.
Regardless... I'm rambling, and I'm just hoping to join in this amazing support group. I feel like you're the only ones who can understand my mental battles with myself. Sometimes my brain totally convinces me that I can smoke without consequence. WHO CARES about my 3wk goal? Why not smoke tonight and start again tomorrow? You won't go back to everyday... but then I think... "It IS only a day without smoking... just give it another clean day and re-evaluate tomorrow." It's helped... but not as much as reading your stories. Thank you.
It was getting much easier every day... but today may have been the toughest day to date! I was almost shaking I craved it so badly. My mind was racing and all I could think about was sitting down to start the ritual of doing a big bong hit to relax/escape. I've quit smoking cigarettes before, and it was easier than the craving I had tonight. I'm scared that I'll give in one of these days... even my mental resolve to quit has weakened.
Sorry for the continued rambling, but I feel like if I tell you guys about my story... maybe it'll help give me the power I need to stay sober for another couple of weeks (and then evaluate my situation from that point... hopefully staying clean for a while longer, but that thought scares me too.)
I have been drinking a beer/red-wine lately to help me feel tired and relax at night. My appitite is returning, though i'm not binge-eating like I do with pot at midnight every single night (I could eat a bag of chips a night, and then a sandwich while I wait for the microwave to warm up leftovers... and I'm tired of being overweight and out of shape.)
My anxiety this morning before work was terrible... I actually broke down. I hope it's just the withdrawal... has anybody experienced this before after a week of being clean?? Why did it get worse after a week sober?? That's a tough pill to swallow. It almost seems like there's no light at the end of this tunnel.
I just need some support... and I'm afraid that if I tell my friends, they'd just coerce me to join in on a session. They aren't bad people, but addicts who don't believe they are addicts will convince others as easily as they convince themselves (I know from experience... I'm sad to say that I've started daily habits in some of my friends.)
Anyways... about to hit the sack to get some rest to attack Day 8. I'd love to be able to write that I went 3 weeks and I could tell my buddy when he returns that I spent the same 3 weeks clean on my own motivation. Maybe that's why I'm writing... so I'll fear the failure.
Good luck to everybody out there. You may feel alone, but believe me... there are people hanging on every word you type. And we appreciate your time and efforts. We're out there too... fighting through the days and nights to regain control.
I never thought I'd be 30 years old and an addict. It's tough to write, but it's important.
CJ.
you are so right. i was hanging on your every word. I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm 31 myself, and i'm comfortable where I am. Most of my friends smoke, and they all have good jobs too. but i think sometimes, we use that excuse to continue smoking.
i love smoking. i know exactly what you mean by taking that bong rip first thing you wake up. I always carry visine with me every where I go. lol. my face totally gives it away though. any of my smoker friends can know immediately that i'm stoned. hell, my gf knows just by the way i talk. hard to hide from the world. i actually do think smoking isn't soo bad, if you know how to do it in moderation. Unfortunately, i just haven't figured it out. sometimes, i think, if my gf didn't even care, i might even still be smoking.
but there are some drawbacks. like i can't remember much in my past. ofcourse i can remember the big events, but seriously what did i do last month, last year, jeez, all those memories are gone.
ramble on brother, its a great feeling to know, that i'm not alone with my thoughts. its like, we go thru the same process. I would say that the most difficult for me is at 6-10pm. and ofcourse on weekends, especially beautiful weekends. I don't think about smoking the whole day, but immediately when i get into my car to drive home, my mind is already thinking let's take that rip and chill out. i'm been becoming a better functional stoner, so I actually even would come home and take a rip during work. 11am. and 3pm. lol. the only thing about that is that, unless i have a to do list, i usually forget what i need to get done. and my vocabulary goes to shiet.
when i quit before, i would always come back smoking stronger. dunno why. Back in Jan. I tried to quit. my gf and i were having problems. mainly she thought i was a mumbling id**t, who would laugh at my own jokes. she was just getting annoyed. although i was upset with her for making this an issue, i totally understand her opinion. i couldnt stand being around a drunk guy, if i was sober, so I could see how annoying i could have been. so i tried ot quit in jan. did it for three weeks. on the third weekend, i went golfing with a my bud. pun intended. although i never said to myself i was gonna smoke, in the back of my head, i always knew i was gonna smoke. all it took, was a simple, you still clean? "yeah, 3 weeks, i'm proud of myself, RIIIIIIIIIP" oh, that was an amazing high. totally zoned out, we just watched some tv before i left. needless to say, after that, my smoking came back with a vengeance. the next couple of days on the phone, my gf knew i was back on it....she didn't say anything directly, but our conversations were short and distant. hell, when i smoked, i just wouldn't call her. and she knew if i didn't call, she knew what i was up to.
i always tell her, hey, i'm soo jolly when i smoke, and i am. i'm always smiling and always in a good mood with her. although there isn't much interaction because i'm usually just zoned out. although she agree's i'm very jolly, she also says i'm quit bland. yeah, i know.
first couple of days, yeah, totally anxiety. i've broke down a couple of days ago. thinking about how dumb this is. how i'm preventing myself from doing something i like, just because my gf feels like she loses a bf. i get upset at her. i tell her, hey this is my battle, and you should stay out of it. i didn't want her to become the face of the battle, because what if i couldn't quit, then that would mean i didn't love my gf? so i always told her to stay out of this battle. but i've learned know, its only because i always want to give myself that option to make that decision to smoke. but actually it is the best thing to have your gf help. accountability.
my friends have all been trying to quit too. but we never check each other, we always just stay out of each others way. we wont make each other smoke, and we won't also withhold it from each other. we all collaborate for our own selfish reasons. but i love them anyways. if i knew discipline, if i knew moderation, i could honestly say, sure why not. but moderation and i don't get a long in terms of bud.
today is day 9. i had trouble sleeping last night. Usually when i smoke. my bed time is 11-12pm. depending on how much food i eat. i've gone out to grab 2 dinners knowing i'm gonna come home and finish both. i've eaten until i'm stuffed, so stuffed it hurts, so i smoke just to feel unfull. but stupid me continues to eat after that. I can gain 10lbs in one night if i wanted to. i have done it before. now, i can't sleep until 2-3am. i came home after work today, and i wanted to do my daily routine, but instead i sat around, watching tv, just waiting. waiting for what? not sure. just waiting. finally, i got out of the house around 8pm, to the golf range. hit some stupid balls around. it was okay, but it beats sitting at home just thinking about what to do. i have windows of hunger. once i have a couple of bites, it goes away. sometimes the hunger turns into pains quickly.
one thing about the last couple of months of smoking, is that when i'm sober, i want to smoke soo bad. the instant i take a hit, i'm overcome by guilt. then comes the negotiations, okay, this is my last time, and tomorrow i'm gonna stop. then the guilt goes away, because i've decided to stop, and then i zone out. at some point i realize i'm stoned again at home watching tv all by myself, and i realize how lame this is. then i go and take another rip. by this time, i'm not even sure if i'm stoned, although i am, but i feel like i'm normal, and i keep thinking, i gotta smoke more to be high cuz i'm soo sober....stupid tolerance. i wake up every morning, i think trying to figure out what i need to do, and i know i'm always forgetting something. there are also soo many nights, where i've just passed out watching tv or something, lights and tv all on.
anyways. i'm off to bed. CJ, keep up the good work. even if you are just testing yourself, i know your challenges. i hear that same voice in my head. thanks for making today just a little bit easier.
you are so right. i was hanging on your every word. I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm 31 myself, and i'm comfortable where I am. Most of my friends smoke, and they all have good jobs too. but i think sometimes, we use that excuse to continue smoking.
i love smoking. i know exactly what you mean by taking that bong rip first thing you wake up. I always carry visine with me every where I go. lol. my face totally gives it away though. any of my smoker friends can know immediately that i'm stoned. hell, my gf knows just by the way i talk. hard to hide from the world. i actually do think smoking isn't soo bad, if you know how to do it in moderation. Unfortunately, i just haven't figured it out. sometimes, i think, if my gf didn't even care, i might even still be smoking.
but there are some drawbacks. like i can't remember much in my past. ofcourse i can remember the big events, but seriously what did i do last month, last year, jeez, all those memories are gone.
ramble on brother, its a great feeling to know, that i'm not alone with my thoughts. its like, we go thru the same process. I would say that the most difficult for me is at 6-10pm. and ofcourse on weekends, especially beautiful weekends. I don't think about smoking the whole day, but immediately when i get into my car to drive home, my mind is already thinking let's take that rip and chill out. i'm been becoming a better functional stoner, so I actually even would come home and take a rip during work. 11am. and 3pm. lol. the only thing about that is that, unless i have a to do list, i usually forget what i need to get done. and my vocabulary goes to shiet.
when i quit before, i would always come back smoking stronger. dunno why. Back in Jan. I tried to quit. my gf and i were having problems. mainly she thought i was a mumbling id**t, who would laugh at my own jokes. she was just getting annoyed. although i was upset with her for making this an issue, i totally understand her opinion. i couldnt stand being around a drunk guy, if i was sober, so I could see how annoying i could have been. so i tried ot quit in jan. did it for three weeks. on the third weekend, i went golfing with a my bud. pun intended. although i never said to myself i was gonna smoke, in the back of my head, i always knew i was gonna smoke. all it took, was a simple, you still clean? "yeah, 3 weeks, i'm proud of myself, RIIIIIIIIIP" oh, that was an amazing high. totally zoned out, we just watched some tv before i left. needless to say, after that, my smoking came back with a vengeance. the next couple of days on the phone, my gf knew i was back on it....she didn't say anything directly, but our conversations were short and distant. hell, when i smoked, i just wouldn't call her. and she knew if i didn't call, she knew what i was up to.
i always tell her, hey, i'm soo jolly when i smoke, and i am. i'm always smiling and always in a good mood with her. although there isn't much interaction because i'm usually just zoned out. although she agree's i'm very jolly, she also says i'm quit bland. yeah, i know.
first couple of days, yeah, totally anxiety. i've broke down a couple of days ago. thinking about how dumb this is. how i'm preventing myself from doing something i like, just because my gf feels like she loses a bf. i get upset at her. i tell her, hey this is my battle, and you should stay out of it. i didn't want her to become the face of the battle, because what if i couldn't quit, then that would mean i didn't love my gf? so i always told her to stay out of this battle. but i've learned know, its only because i always want to give myself that option to make that decision to smoke. but actually it is the best thing to have your gf help. accountability.
my friends have all been trying to quit too. but we never check each other, we always just stay out of each others way. we wont make each other smoke, and we won't also withhold it from each other. we all collaborate for our own selfish reasons. but i love them anyways. if i knew discipline, if i knew moderation, i could honestly say, sure why not. but moderation and i don't get a long in terms of bud.
today is day 9. i had trouble sleeping last night. Usually when i smoke. my bed time is 11-12pm. depending on how much food i eat. i've gone out to grab 2 dinners knowing i'm gonna come home and finish both. i've eaten until i'm stuffed, so stuffed it hurts, so i smoke just to feel unfull. but stupid me continues to eat after that. I can gain 10lbs in one night if i wanted to. i have done it before. now, i can't sleep until 2-3am. i came home after work today, and i wanted to do my daily routine, but instead i sat around, watching tv, just waiting. waiting for what? not sure. just waiting. finally, i got out of the house around 8pm, to the golf range. hit some stupid balls around. it was okay, but it beats sitting at home just thinking about what to do. i have windows of hunger. once i have a couple of bites, it goes away. sometimes the hunger turns into pains quickly.
one thing about the last couple of months of smoking, is that when i'm sober, i want to smoke soo bad. the instant i take a hit, i'm overcome by guilt. then comes the negotiations, okay, this is my last time, and tomorrow i'm gonna stop. then the guilt goes away, because i've decided to stop, and then i zone out. at some point i realize i'm stoned again at home watching tv all by myself, and i realize how lame this is. then i go and take another rip. by this time, i'm not even sure if i'm stoned, although i am, but i feel like i'm normal, and i keep thinking, i gotta smoke more to be high cuz i'm soo sober....stupid tolerance. i wake up every morning, i think trying to figure out what i need to do, and i know i'm always forgetting something. there are also soo many nights, where i've just passed out watching tv or something, lights and tv all on.
anyways. i'm off to bed. CJ, keep up the good work. even if you are just testing yourself, i know your challenges. i hear that same voice in my head. thanks for making today just a little bit easier.
Hi Everyone,
I want to thank you for this thread. Today is the fourth day I've been clean. Overall, I feel great physically and mentally. Emotionally, I've extremely irritable and cranky. But I know that will pass.
My story is a little different. I'm 40something and have for years struggled with depression, anxiety and stress management issues. Over the years, I did a little weed now and again when friends offered. I never bought. Until two years ago, when a exfriend of mine got involved with a heavy user. So, I started buying a bit here and there from them. Then I started research and discovered I could get a medical marijuana card, which is what I did a year ago. For the last 12 months, I've been off and on binging. I thought I could place limits on my smoking, but soon I was smoking every day after work and all day on the weekends. I even found myself smoking before work, because I was told such and such a strain was a "good day time" medication. Fortunately, with one instance which put the fear of god into me, no one noticed. But I knew it was having an impact on my job performance. On the weekends, I would show up stoned at my parents house but there were none the wiser.
Things got worse with my friend. Since I had a medical marijuana card, they expected me to be another supplier for them. I offered to help her get her own card, but she kept putting it off. They kept badgering me, so I ended the friendship. I wasn't willing to become a low level drug dealer. (I understood that from an addict's point of view, everyone "helps" everyone else out. But since what I was doing was legal under state law, I was going to follow the law, which prohibits patients from selling or giving away marijuana. My friends didn't see that distinction.) I also realized that over the last several years my relationship with my friend had gradually become centered around pot. And I realized that I was entering some sort of danger zone.
I believe marijuana does have medicinal value, especially with those who have serious illness (cancer, etc.) but the coop system is a joke. I suspect I could get some benefit from a marijuana which has a much lower thc content (i.e. occasional insomnia, PMS, etc.) in a pill, tincture or salve form. But medical marijuana is bred with intent of getting the highest thc content possible.
After several months of being clean, I started using again, again rationalizing I could control my usage.
I was wrong. The fact is I enjoy being high. A lot. I love the escape it gives me from the stresses of my life and basically myself. I have multiple diagnoses: depression, anxiety, add which I manage through therapy, a lot of hard work and medication. Marijuana was like a stay-cation from myself. Worse, I tended to smoke by myself, instead of socially. Having never been a social pot smoker, I found myself increasingly isolating myself from other people. (I am a loner by nature, so I have to fight that tendency.) And it was sucking up immense amounts of my evenings and weekends when I could do things that gave me pleasure or learn other, more healthy, ways to take care of and soothe myself when I feel overwhelmed and stressed out. It's a work in progress.
So, last weekend, I smoked my last 1/8 and threw away my pipe (having already gotten rid of my bong and other paraphenelia (sic).
My doctor's letter will expire at the end of this month and I will not be renewing it. I almost went yesterday to the coop after a very stressful day, then I remembered how much money I'd already spent. Since I plan on going overseas next Spring, I knew I could not afford to throw away the money or the time.
Keep writing and keep strong! (and I'll keep reading...)
Namaste and Shalom
CCR
I want to thank you for this thread. Today is the fourth day I've been clean. Overall, I feel great physically and mentally. Emotionally, I've extremely irritable and cranky. But I know that will pass.
My story is a little different. I'm 40something and have for years struggled with depression, anxiety and stress management issues. Over the years, I did a little weed now and again when friends offered. I never bought. Until two years ago, when a exfriend of mine got involved with a heavy user. So, I started buying a bit here and there from them. Then I started research and discovered I could get a medical marijuana card, which is what I did a year ago. For the last 12 months, I've been off and on binging. I thought I could place limits on my smoking, but soon I was smoking every day after work and all day on the weekends. I even found myself smoking before work, because I was told such and such a strain was a "good day time" medication. Fortunately, with one instance which put the fear of god into me, no one noticed. But I knew it was having an impact on my job performance. On the weekends, I would show up stoned at my parents house but there were none the wiser.
Things got worse with my friend. Since I had a medical marijuana card, they expected me to be another supplier for them. I offered to help her get her own card, but she kept putting it off. They kept badgering me, so I ended the friendship. I wasn't willing to become a low level drug dealer. (I understood that from an addict's point of view, everyone "helps" everyone else out. But since what I was doing was legal under state law, I was going to follow the law, which prohibits patients from selling or giving away marijuana. My friends didn't see that distinction.) I also realized that over the last several years my relationship with my friend had gradually become centered around pot. And I realized that I was entering some sort of danger zone.
I believe marijuana does have medicinal value, especially with those who have serious illness (cancer, etc.) but the coop system is a joke. I suspect I could get some benefit from a marijuana which has a much lower thc content (i.e. occasional insomnia, PMS, etc.) in a pill, tincture or salve form. But medical marijuana is bred with intent of getting the highest thc content possible.
After several months of being clean, I started using again, again rationalizing I could control my usage.
I was wrong. The fact is I enjoy being high. A lot. I love the escape it gives me from the stresses of my life and basically myself. I have multiple diagnoses: depression, anxiety, add which I manage through therapy, a lot of hard work and medication. Marijuana was like a stay-cation from myself. Worse, I tended to smoke by myself, instead of socially. Having never been a social pot smoker, I found myself increasingly isolating myself from other people. (I am a loner by nature, so I have to fight that tendency.) And it was sucking up immense amounts of my evenings and weekends when I could do things that gave me pleasure or learn other, more healthy, ways to take care of and soothe myself when I feel overwhelmed and stressed out. It's a work in progress.
So, last weekend, I smoked my last 1/8 and threw away my pipe (having already gotten rid of my bong and other paraphenelia (sic).
My doctor's letter will expire at the end of this month and I will not be renewing it. I almost went yesterday to the coop after a very stressful day, then I remembered how much money I'd already spent. Since I plan on going overseas next Spring, I knew I could not afford to throw away the money or the time.
Keep writing and keep strong! (and I'll keep reading...)
Namaste and Shalom
CCR
Hey FatBurger... thanks buddy. Nice to feel like somebody else is going through this rollercoaster ride with me! It's much more motivating, because sometimes I feel VERY alone in this battle.
Today is Day 10... nice double-digits. It's been a long time since I've gone 10 days, and I don't care to even think how many years it's been since I've gone double-digits on my own motivation.
But the last couple of days have been hard. I've been reading that around day 10 is a critical point in withdrawl symptoms. I guess I can feel some of those. I've been a bloody a**hole to my wife and the people around me, and my work has certainly suffered. My mood swings have been outrageous. In the mornings, I'm full-on panic mode... and the smallest request is met with an explosion of anxiety. The afternoons get better as I can see the end of the work-day coming. My concentration and attention-span is minimal at best. It takes me 3-4 hours to get a solid 30minutes of real-actual work accomplished. Ridiculous!! I need this symptom to end ASAP and I sure hope it does.
Funny though, in the mornings I am steadfast in my desire to quit. In fact, the mornings have me actually thinking of quitting for good... maybe never touching the stuff again. But 5pm rolls around and my desire to smoke turns my brain upside down, and suddenly I'm thinking... "Boy, this quitting stuff is good for me... but when can I smoke again?? This weekend?? I'd really love to hit my bong right now!!" And then the entire night my mind keeps reminding me of how much I want to get high. I've had worse cravings for pot than I ever did when I gave up smoking ciggarettes a few years ago. Didn't expect that.
But here I am writing in this forum, and that means I still want to quit. Maybe not forever (maybe that's just me making it easier to keep going another day without the stuff... when I think of "NEVER AGAIN" I usually give up because I LOVE GETTING HIGH. I really really do.)
But my overall goal is lasting until the August 8th weekend when I go away with friends to a cottage. Maybe I won't smoke there, maybe I will... but I know that I can't go back to smoking every day. No more weeknights, that's for sure. Maybe I just shouldn't go back at all, at least for a few months. I read somewhere that it takes 3 months to eliminate THC from your system. It'd be cool to get to that point. But for now, I'm keeping my August 8th goal as it gives me a destination. Like I said... NEVER is not a motivator for me. For some it works, but not for me. Probably relates to that panic/anxiety tendency that I have. "NEVER" brings upon doubt... and I need to have confidence right now.
Fatburger... moderation IS the key!! I haven't been able to use in moderation before, and that's my problem too.
I was pretty proud of Tuesday night though... I play basketball in a men's league with some friends, and a few of us always smoke after games. This past Tuesday I watched my friends sit in the car and smoke a j while I walked by and went into the bar to get a table and a few pints for the boys. I can't even explain how much I wanted to take one little hit before I went inside... but I didn't. I've been saying to myself... "Today is just a single day, you can re-evaluate the situation tomorrow. But if you ever want to use in MODERATION again, you have to be able to go a few days without... and you have to be okay with that." And I was.
I tell you though... I am BORED at night. This no smoking thing has made me depressed and BORED.
I ordered a bunch of yoga DVD's online as I got out of the habit of doing yoga, but I really love doing yoga. Another thing that really helps me through depression/anxiety is meditation. I ordered some new guided meditations from Jack Kornfield (he's the best!) If you want to get into meditation, and I highly recommend it, order his cd's.
I was having a terrible craving last night and I snapped at my wife (and felt terrible... she's such a great person and is supporting me every step of the way.) So I went and did a 45 minute guided meditation and my cravings dissapeared. Not only that, I got the best sleep I've had since I quit. Meditation quiets the mind and allows you to gain perspective... which I needed pretty badly.
Anyway, I better stop filling up this forum with my rambles. I'll write again this weekend hopefully as it's nice to include this in my goals. I can think "I better not smoke or I won't be able to write in the forum that I've been clean!" Funny how I've never met any of you, and yet your opinion means so much to me.
I wish you all the very best and good luck... stay STRONG! There are many others fighting the same battle, and we're all going a little crazy. We're going to get past it though, and replapsing will only put you back at the starting line. If you feel like smoking, reading this forum and ones like it on this site are a great way to stay clean (or at least eat up enough of your time so that you don't have time to smoke before you need to go to bed.)
Off for a meditation and then some sleep.
CJ... day 10 over!
Today is Day 10... nice double-digits. It's been a long time since I've gone 10 days, and I don't care to even think how many years it's been since I've gone double-digits on my own motivation.
But the last couple of days have been hard. I've been reading that around day 10 is a critical point in withdrawl symptoms. I guess I can feel some of those. I've been a bloody a**hole to my wife and the people around me, and my work has certainly suffered. My mood swings have been outrageous. In the mornings, I'm full-on panic mode... and the smallest request is met with an explosion of anxiety. The afternoons get better as I can see the end of the work-day coming. My concentration and attention-span is minimal at best. It takes me 3-4 hours to get a solid 30minutes of real-actual work accomplished. Ridiculous!! I need this symptom to end ASAP and I sure hope it does.
Funny though, in the mornings I am steadfast in my desire to quit. In fact, the mornings have me actually thinking of quitting for good... maybe never touching the stuff again. But 5pm rolls around and my desire to smoke turns my brain upside down, and suddenly I'm thinking... "Boy, this quitting stuff is good for me... but when can I smoke again?? This weekend?? I'd really love to hit my bong right now!!" And then the entire night my mind keeps reminding me of how much I want to get high. I've had worse cravings for pot than I ever did when I gave up smoking ciggarettes a few years ago. Didn't expect that.
But here I am writing in this forum, and that means I still want to quit. Maybe not forever (maybe that's just me making it easier to keep going another day without the stuff... when I think of "NEVER AGAIN" I usually give up because I LOVE GETTING HIGH. I really really do.)
But my overall goal is lasting until the August 8th weekend when I go away with friends to a cottage. Maybe I won't smoke there, maybe I will... but I know that I can't go back to smoking every day. No more weeknights, that's for sure. Maybe I just shouldn't go back at all, at least for a few months. I read somewhere that it takes 3 months to eliminate THC from your system. It'd be cool to get to that point. But for now, I'm keeping my August 8th goal as it gives me a destination. Like I said... NEVER is not a motivator for me. For some it works, but not for me. Probably relates to that panic/anxiety tendency that I have. "NEVER" brings upon doubt... and I need to have confidence right now.
Fatburger... moderation IS the key!! I haven't been able to use in moderation before, and that's my problem too.
I was pretty proud of Tuesday night though... I play basketball in a men's league with some friends, and a few of us always smoke after games. This past Tuesday I watched my friends sit in the car and smoke a j while I walked by and went into the bar to get a table and a few pints for the boys. I can't even explain how much I wanted to take one little hit before I went inside... but I didn't. I've been saying to myself... "Today is just a single day, you can re-evaluate the situation tomorrow. But if you ever want to use in MODERATION again, you have to be able to go a few days without... and you have to be okay with that." And I was.
I tell you though... I am BORED at night. This no smoking thing has made me depressed and BORED.
I ordered a bunch of yoga DVD's online as I got out of the habit of doing yoga, but I really love doing yoga. Another thing that really helps me through depression/anxiety is meditation. I ordered some new guided meditations from Jack Kornfield (he's the best!) If you want to get into meditation, and I highly recommend it, order his cd's.
I was having a terrible craving last night and I snapped at my wife (and felt terrible... she's such a great person and is supporting me every step of the way.) So I went and did a 45 minute guided meditation and my cravings dissapeared. Not only that, I got the best sleep I've had since I quit. Meditation quiets the mind and allows you to gain perspective... which I needed pretty badly.
Anyway, I better stop filling up this forum with my rambles. I'll write again this weekend hopefully as it's nice to include this in my goals. I can think "I better not smoke or I won't be able to write in the forum that I've been clean!" Funny how I've never met any of you, and yet your opinion means so much to me.
I wish you all the very best and good luck... stay STRONG! There are many others fighting the same battle, and we're all going a little crazy. We're going to get past it though, and replapsing will only put you back at the starting line. If you feel like smoking, reading this forum and ones like it on this site are a great way to stay clean (or at least eat up enough of your time so that you don't have time to smoke before you need to go to bed.)
Off for a meditation and then some sleep.
CJ... day 10 over!