Keep it up House! Man, in a few weeks you won't believe how clear you will start thinking.
To answer the post above yours: I don't think weed is a kicking the habit type thing. I decided one day to quit and I just quit. There are some physical things you go through like dreaming, loss of appetite, fidgeting, difficulty sleeping, etc. but there isn't really a time period where one day you're just over it. The first 2-3 days are the hardest of all....your routine is jacked and it's all you think about. The first week is overall probably the hardest.
It becomes more easy over time and you begin thinking about it less and less. I think the 6-8 week mark was when I really started to not think about it as much. I still think about it and sometimes think about it a lot. Once every other week, even at the 6.5 month mark, I think to myself that i'd really like to get high tonite or this weekend but the urge will pass.
The biggest thing in my mind is like most addictions to drugs, smoking or alcohol...the person has to want to quit. I mean really, really want to. The power of the human mind and willpower are stronger than addictions...but you have to truly want it first.
Over the 25 years I smoked, many times friends would ask: dude, do you think you'll ever quit. I always would say: maybe...I just don't want to yet and am not ready. Well, that day finally came and I was ready. So I quit and truly never looked back.
At this point, I'm pretty certain my next benchmark will be quitting for 1 year. But I really believe I'm pretty much done with smoking weed and probably won't ever again. A year ago, I'd have never been able to say that but now it seems no big deal.
TH
To answer the post above yours: I don't think weed is a kicking the habit type thing. I decided one day to quit and I just quit. There are some physical things you go through like dreaming, loss of appetite, fidgeting, difficulty sleeping, etc. but there isn't really a time period where one day you're just over it. The first 2-3 days are the hardest of all....your routine is jacked and it's all you think about. The first week is overall probably the hardest.
It becomes more easy over time and you begin thinking about it less and less. I think the 6-8 week mark was when I really started to not think about it as much. I still think about it and sometimes think about it a lot. Once every other week, even at the 6.5 month mark, I think to myself that i'd really like to get high tonite or this weekend but the urge will pass.
The biggest thing in my mind is like most addictions to drugs, smoking or alcohol...the person has to want to quit. I mean really, really want to. The power of the human mind and willpower are stronger than addictions...but you have to truly want it first.
Over the 25 years I smoked, many times friends would ask: dude, do you think you'll ever quit. I always would say: maybe...I just don't want to yet and am not ready. Well, that day finally came and I was ready. So I quit and truly never looked back.
At this point, I'm pretty certain my next benchmark will be quitting for 1 year. But I really believe I'm pretty much done with smoking weed and probably won't ever again. A year ago, I'd have never been able to say that but now it seems no big deal.
TH
Texashound, I disagree. The first thing you have to do is admit that you either have a problem or it's an issue that you want to deal with. THEN you go about the matter of quitting. IT's subtle, but there is a difference. Do you know what I mean?
Well first you asked me how long it took me to "kick the habit" and mentioned it being 6 months. That's what I was disagreeing with. You kick the habit on the day you draw the line in the sand and truly decide to quit.
Not sure what you're disagreeing with but I think it's about how/why you decide to quit. You say that you have to want a change. I said you have to really, really want to quit. I think that's the same thing right? One really, really wants to quit because they are tired of the current state and want to change to a different state.
I don't think weed is the same type of addiction as other addictions where you "recognize you have a problem". Most weed smokers are happy to smoke weed and don't really want to stop. They can still perform at a high level in work or social life. It's more of being tired of being high all the time and wanting a different lifestyle, more than saying "omg, i have this huge problem and need to stop". When you first start getting high, it's all fun and you're with your friends, doing things etc. After smoking for a long time, it's more of a ritual thing. Eventually, you just get tired of it being your ritual and while you like being high, it isn't the same as it used to be and isn't as fun anymore...not to mention the financial aspect of it being expensive and a PIA to get.
For me, it was simply wanting a different lifestyle and just being worn out smoking weed more than saying, wow, i have a huge problem and need to change. I was tired of trying to hook up and tired of spending money on it.
Maybe that's just me.
Not sure what you're disagreeing with but I think it's about how/why you decide to quit. You say that you have to want a change. I said you have to really, really want to quit. I think that's the same thing right? One really, really wants to quit because they are tired of the current state and want to change to a different state.
I don't think weed is the same type of addiction as other addictions where you "recognize you have a problem". Most weed smokers are happy to smoke weed and don't really want to stop. They can still perform at a high level in work or social life. It's more of being tired of being high all the time and wanting a different lifestyle, more than saying "omg, i have this huge problem and need to stop". When you first start getting high, it's all fun and you're with your friends, doing things etc. After smoking for a long time, it's more of a ritual thing. Eventually, you just get tired of it being your ritual and while you like being high, it isn't the same as it used to be and isn't as fun anymore...not to mention the financial aspect of it being expensive and a PIA to get.
For me, it was simply wanting a different lifestyle and just being worn out smoking weed more than saying, wow, i have a huge problem and need to change. I was tired of trying to hook up and tired of spending money on it.
Maybe that's just me.
I done fell off. I started hanging out with an old friend, namely working on his web site, and he's a serious blazer. At first I was okay, but the consistency of us chilling out and working together made it really tough last night and hence I caved. Didn't like it, messed with my head and such. It really messes with my overall perspective of myself and confidence, to be totally honest.
I made it for about 5 years clean several moons ago, so deep down I know I can do it again, it's just getting past that initial stage. I'm trying to hang out with people that don't do it, but in this case, I need the work. Fortunately, I'm wrapping up his site tonight, so I'm gonna try distancing myself from him again. I'm really trying to surround myself with non-smokers, and in fact, people from my church, but they're always so busy. My weed friends are always available though. Man, it f'ing sucks!
Fortunately, we have this forum and this really helps. It's nice to have support. I'm gonna get back on the wagon, most likely tomorrow. I'll keep posting.
Thanks again Texas, your words are very encouraging.
Peace.
I made it for about 5 years clean several moons ago, so deep down I know I can do it again, it's just getting past that initial stage. I'm trying to hang out with people that don't do it, but in this case, I need the work. Fortunately, I'm wrapping up his site tonight, so I'm gonna try distancing myself from him again. I'm really trying to surround myself with non-smokers, and in fact, people from my church, but they're always so busy. My weed friends are always available though. Man, it f'ing sucks!
Fortunately, we have this forum and this really helps. It's nice to have support. I'm gonna get back on the wagon, most likely tomorrow. I'll keep posting.
Thanks again Texas, your words are very encouraging.
Peace.
Hey House, don't be so hard on yourself. Seriously!! It's not the end of the world and it happens.
You can wipe the slate clean and start over.
As the Nike commercial says: Just Do It!
You can wipe the slate clean and start over.
As the Nike commercial says: Just Do It!
Ah, no, I don't disagree with what all you've said. I just mean that knowing is half the battle. You have to acknowledge that you even have a problem or that you want to quit before you can make any progress in the 'right' direction if you know what I mean. Does that make more sense?
Yep...complete sense! You do have to acknowledge you want to change to better yourself and move in a different direction.
im just so worn out all ready! all this has taken a toll on me and my fam. ive lost damn near all my hair! im not sure what tha means stress i guess. i have bald spots though!!!! my mom was like get your thyroid checked! its kinda hard without insurance!!!! serioulsly i lose about 200 plus strands aday! i hope its just stress!! my anxiety and depression are just unbeleivable. i feel 15 again!!! before i got on meds and everything! i was still smoking but also taking meds! i just dont know what to do. i know i need help!! im always scared im going to die, that theres somethign wrong with me. everyone said its just my brain its trying to get use to this, it wants me to smoke, i keep telling myself everythign would be okay if i started smoking again! i hate all of this. im on the verge of blaming my dad just because i dont want to blame myself anymore,im killing myself i cant stand myself. i dont want my kids to hate me for what im putting them through!! cause im never there anymore. i constantly have prob breathing agina i dont know if its my anxiety or what! im stuck. until i can go to a doc nad he tells me im okay im gonna be like this!!! im gonna worry adn stress and all of it!! ive always been a depressed person..runs in the fam ya know! my mom said she use to think the same way, im sad all the time i never smile anymore my sex drive is gone! my appetite all of it. i hurt all over. i know im not gonnna smoke. my husband said do what makes you happy!! smoking made me happy but this and going through all this dont!
the reason it took so long for me to quit smoking was because i would go through this everytime i stopped adn he couldnt deal with it. i know im driving him insane and i dont want him to leave me. but im pushing away from everyone because i dont want to hurt them the way im hurting. i know he wants to help but he cant. the only thing that helps is getting out and away from everyone. and i know i cant do that all the time. i just wish i knew what to do!!! and i dont. im stucck. its like i have two choices smoke or dont. then when i decide to quit again ill go through all of this again. im gonna give it six months if im not better im smoking!!!! just to see what happens. to see if it makes me better, if it does then i know what i have to do...die of emphazma lol!!! no but realy
my dad has to smoke. hes smoked for 20 yrs now. if he dont he does exactly what i do!! GOES CRAZY anxiety overload brain wont stop thinking or worrying it sucks. i use to be close to god and now im losing everything. my faith my fam my friends my willpower all of it. i know im extremely depressed!! i know it. but theres nothing i can do about it right now. but try to get my faith back and no that it will be okay i just have to give it itme
_________________
blah
the reason it took so long for me to quit smoking was because i would go through this everytime i stopped adn he couldnt deal with it. i know im driving him insane and i dont want him to leave me. but im pushing away from everyone because i dont want to hurt them the way im hurting. i know he wants to help but he cant. the only thing that helps is getting out and away from everyone. and i know i cant do that all the time. i just wish i knew what to do!!! and i dont. im stucck. its like i have two choices smoke or dont. then when i decide to quit again ill go through all of this again. im gonna give it six months if im not better im smoking!!!! just to see what happens. to see if it makes me better, if it does then i know what i have to do...die of emphazma lol!!! no but realy
my dad has to smoke. hes smoked for 20 yrs now. if he dont he does exactly what i do!! GOES CRAZY anxiety overload brain wont stop thinking or worrying it sucks. i use to be close to god and now im losing everything. my faith my fam my friends my willpower all of it. i know im extremely depressed!! i know it. but theres nothing i can do about it right now. but try to get my faith back and no that it will be okay i just have to give it itme
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blah
A really good book that may help you stop thinking so much, something I'm definitely working too, is reading "A New Earth." It's all about being in the moment, not the past or future. Repeating unnecessary negative thought patterns is something people have been subconsciously doing for thousands of years. We need to be conscious of this, and be in the present, the moment. Focusing on God helps too.
I really hope you can get through this and pray for you.
Peace.
I really hope you can get through this and pray for you.
Peace.
Hi there, who is the author of "A New Earth"? I am not sure if I amgoing to be able to find any info on it without more information. Can you let me know?
healthnfitnessguy wrote:
Yeah, it's by Eckhart Tolle. He also wrote "The Power of Now," a somewhat similar book. I'm reading a lot to deal with some of my negative thoughts. Fortunately and unfortunately, it happens to just about all of us, so there's plenty of resources out there to help us deal. I'm reading another really good book called "Love without Conditions," by Paul Ferrini. Judging from the cover you'd think it's a Christian book per se, but oddly it's not.
Are you working out? That helps me get out my negative emotions and what not, especially if I do some really good cardio, like going to the skatepark. It chills me out and relaxes me. I'm seriously thinking about getting into Yoga 'cause I think it'll do wonders for my mind, spirit, and body.
Anyways, I'm gonna get back on the wagon, but I'm gonna wait 'till I move outta my place...people are always drinking and puffing there, so it's kinda tough to quit...lots of temptation. I put my room up for rent a couple weeks ago, so hopefully someone will snag it soon.
Prayers go out to everybody. Stay strong. I'm very proud of you all. For real.
I'll be back...
JHouse wrote:
A really good book that may help you stop thinking so much, something I'm definitely working too, is reading "A New Earth." It's all about being in the moment, not the past or future. Repeating unnecessary negative thought patterns is something people have been subconsciously doing for thousands of years. We need to be conscious of this, and be in the present, the moment. Focusing on God helps too.
I really hope you can get through this and pray for you.
Peace.
Hi there, who is the author of "A New Earth"? I am not sure if I amgoing to be able to find any info on it without more information. Can you let me know?
Yeah, it's by Eckhart Tolle. He also wrote "The Power of Now," a somewhat similar book. I'm reading a lot to deal with some of my negative thoughts. Fortunately and unfortunately, it happens to just about all of us, so there's plenty of resources out there to help us deal. I'm reading another really good book called "Love without Conditions," by Paul Ferrini. Judging from the cover you'd think it's a Christian book per se, but oddly it's not.
Are you working out? That helps me get out my negative emotions and what not, especially if I do some really good cardio, like going to the skatepark. It chills me out and relaxes me. I'm seriously thinking about getting into Yoga 'cause I think it'll do wonders for my mind, spirit, and body.
Anyways, I'm gonna get back on the wagon, but I'm gonna wait 'till I move outta my place...people are always drinking and puffing there, so it's kinda tough to quit...lots of temptation. I put my room up for rent a couple weeks ago, so hopefully someone will snag it soon.
Prayers go out to everybody. Stay strong. I'm very proud of you all. For real.
I'll be back...
Tomorrow will be two weeks clean from everything, even pot cookies. Ahhhh, I am so much better and speaking and listening now, plus the depression has really subsided...barely have any issues now. Yeah, there's stress and I have a lot of pent up energy now, but I'm learning how to deal with that again as opposed to just medicating. From what I keep hearing, Yoga is the answer, maybe Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu too. Reading helps, but I think a physically taxing activity is ideal.
Fortunately I have this woman that's really backing me up. It's making a huge difference. Huge. I know if I were to cave, I would tell her immediately and I just don't want to spill those words, so I'm staying strong. It's also helping that I'm getting way more involved in my church and hanging out with the 'right' people. Pot is now seldom on my mind, except when I need to mellow out. Again, just trying to find other ways to really relax.
Hope everybody is staying strong. If not, try try try again.
Peace and blessings.
Fortunately I have this woman that's really backing me up. It's making a huge difference. Huge. I know if I were to cave, I would tell her immediately and I just don't want to spill those words, so I'm staying strong. It's also helping that I'm getting way more involved in my church and hanging out with the 'right' people. Pot is now seldom on my mind, except when I need to mellow out. Again, just trying to find other ways to really relax.
Hope everybody is staying strong. If not, try try try again.
Peace and blessings.
Texashound, you sound like you're doing really well - I'm very pleased for you.
I don't know if you remember me but I've tried a couple of times this year to quit but haven't been successful. Call them excuses but I've had a rotten year and for the past couple of months have been watching my younger sister battling in intensive care so have lacked even the remotest motivation to quit. That said last night I started thinking about it again and, being the rash kind of person I am, am thinking I might just give it a shot today and see what happens.
I managed to quit for 6 weeks at the start of the year and felt brilliant if I'm honest. I had way more energy, was doing odd jobs I'd put off for ages, felt physically healthier, felt better waking up in the morning have not munched my way through a small country's worth of food!
Weed is such a naughty little herb though. It has a way of enticing you back until you're back in its comfortable fold again. It's a bit like having to give up a best friend who zapps the life out of you - you know you have to do it but it's hard.
That said, when I quit at the beginning of the year I didn't suffer to badly to be honest. I think it was more the fear of how it would feel.
I wonder why I wasn't able to quit though. It's as if I have trouble being good to myself so always default back to self sabotage. I've been in counselling for over a year and have come on leaps and bounds so perhaps I'll do better this time.
I worry about the boredom factor. My partner works away from from and I have 2 small children and very little outside support so it's incredibly hard to fill my evenings with anything interesting. My life is dull at the moment but perhaps it all has a knock on effect - perhaps the weed dulls my life down and if I quit, perhaps it will become more interesting again. It's been nearly a decade of smoking so I can't really remember what life was like before weed. I guess it was filled with alcohol and cigarettes both of which I managed to quit (do you see a self sabotage pattern here!!!).
Anyway I'm rambling so I hope everyone's journey is going well and will keep posting.
Best wishes
random1
I don't know if you remember me but I've tried a couple of times this year to quit but haven't been successful. Call them excuses but I've had a rotten year and for the past couple of months have been watching my younger sister battling in intensive care so have lacked even the remotest motivation to quit. That said last night I started thinking about it again and, being the rash kind of person I am, am thinking I might just give it a shot today and see what happens.
I managed to quit for 6 weeks at the start of the year and felt brilliant if I'm honest. I had way more energy, was doing odd jobs I'd put off for ages, felt physically healthier, felt better waking up in the morning have not munched my way through a small country's worth of food!
Weed is such a naughty little herb though. It has a way of enticing you back until you're back in its comfortable fold again. It's a bit like having to give up a best friend who zapps the life out of you - you know you have to do it but it's hard.
That said, when I quit at the beginning of the year I didn't suffer to badly to be honest. I think it was more the fear of how it would feel.
I wonder why I wasn't able to quit though. It's as if I have trouble being good to myself so always default back to self sabotage. I've been in counselling for over a year and have come on leaps and bounds so perhaps I'll do better this time.
I worry about the boredom factor. My partner works away from from and I have 2 small children and very little outside support so it's incredibly hard to fill my evenings with anything interesting. My life is dull at the moment but perhaps it all has a knock on effect - perhaps the weed dulls my life down and if I quit, perhaps it will become more interesting again. It's been nearly a decade of smoking so I can't really remember what life was like before weed. I guess it was filled with alcohol and cigarettes both of which I managed to quit (do you see a self sabotage pattern here!!!).
Anyway I'm rambling so I hope everyone's journey is going well and will keep posting.
Best wishes
random1
Hey Random1,
Give it up, it's the best thing ever. I was bored at first, but then I started getting my energy and follow through back to make some rad things happen in my life. For instance, I'm getting WAY more social again and I absolutely love it. Pot made me want to just seclude myself, which then turns into negative spirals. Now I'm back out hanging out with lots of great people having great conversations, namely with the people in my church. I love it. Pot really made me numb and dumb, making it really difficult to converse and listen properly.
Regarding the challenges, I'm going through some serious ones right now too, but not as devastating as your sister's issues. Sorry to hear about that and I will pray for her. Think about this, if you can quit herb and and not medicate through these tough times, this will in turn make you really strong right off the bat, thus making you stronger later in life when you're presented with the opportunity to blaze. Also, it helps us get back to dealing with issues head on and look for other means, ideally healthy ones, to cope. What's working for me is church, fellowship, writing raps/poems, and definitely working out and hitting the skatepark. Some of the other things I thought that were so important me are fading away now, for the best. I'm going through some huge changes and, to be honest, it hurts a bit, but I like the end results. It's really building my character. If you think about a butterfly, it must of hurt, perhaps even messed with their head quite a bit, when they transform from a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly. That's what happens when you give up this ish, you develop into something breathtaking. Pot is keeping us from being bitchin'. Haha.
Anyways, I'll pray for you too with your walk to total sobriety. If you can kick smokes and booze, you can definitely put herb aside once and for all. It'll be one of the best things you'll ever do.
Peace and blessings.
Give it up, it's the best thing ever. I was bored at first, but then I started getting my energy and follow through back to make some rad things happen in my life. For instance, I'm getting WAY more social again and I absolutely love it. Pot made me want to just seclude myself, which then turns into negative spirals. Now I'm back out hanging out with lots of great people having great conversations, namely with the people in my church. I love it. Pot really made me numb and dumb, making it really difficult to converse and listen properly.
Regarding the challenges, I'm going through some serious ones right now too, but not as devastating as your sister's issues. Sorry to hear about that and I will pray for her. Think about this, if you can quit herb and and not medicate through these tough times, this will in turn make you really strong right off the bat, thus making you stronger later in life when you're presented with the opportunity to blaze. Also, it helps us get back to dealing with issues head on and look for other means, ideally healthy ones, to cope. What's working for me is church, fellowship, writing raps/poems, and definitely working out and hitting the skatepark. Some of the other things I thought that were so important me are fading away now, for the best. I'm going through some huge changes and, to be honest, it hurts a bit, but I like the end results. It's really building my character. If you think about a butterfly, it must of hurt, perhaps even messed with their head quite a bit, when they transform from a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly. That's what happens when you give up this ish, you develop into something breathtaking. Pot is keeping us from being bitchin'. Haha.
Anyways, I'll pray for you too with your walk to total sobriety. If you can kick smokes and booze, you can definitely put herb aside once and for all. It'll be one of the best things you'll ever do.
Peace and blessings.
Hey everyone. Its been a while since i posted. I went back to re-read everything and i think i was afraid to post again, because i was quite ashamed of falling off the wagon. But after reading the entries again, and reading Jhouse's entry, i felt i needed to step up.
one thing about trying to quit. is that, when you fail, you fail with a vengeance. so since my last posting this is what happened. I went to the hospital because i had some adhesions with a scar i had 10 years ago, that created a problem with my small bowels. I had to have surgery and i was in the hospital for 8 days. I was given an epidural, and afterwards, vicodin for the pain.
this was a speed bump i could not survive. the feelings from the pain medication mimic'd the feeling of bud. i think it took me a week out of the hospital and i was back to smoking. i cautioned myself, stating, its only for the pain that i'm going thru. So i'm just gonna use a little. next thing you know i'm scoring a qp cuz my buddy got a nice deal. and for a good 4-5 weeks, i was back to blazing. before i quit, i was just smoking after work til the evening and on weekends. when i started again recently, i was INSANE. i think i knew i wanted to quit again, so for some reason, i was BINGE SMOKING. as in I would start my day with a hit, go to work. go home 3-4 times a day to recharge and to go back to work, return home and smoke, etc. etc. etc. i would pass out eating at like 9pm, then wake up at 3am with the TV on. I would then take a hit, (which was pretty much WASTING my bud) cuz i would just pass out immediately, not even enjoying the buzz. it was ridiculous. I avoided this website like the plague, and this just continued.
If you read my previous posts, you read i was mountain biking, playing tennis, golfing, coaching football, playing flag football, and after my trip to the hospital I slowly digressed to be just in my room. i'm so disappointed in myself, and I feel like I let down CJ, Jhouse, and everyone who has put in time in this thread. I'm sooooo good at hiding from my own feelings. And yeah, smoking definitely numbs all that guilt.
So where am i now? Well. I killed the qp last week and i'm on the wagon again, well, let's say by default. i texted my hook last night and tonight. no call back. blessing in disguise. i was flippin out for a second. in the back of my mind, i knew i had a support group, but i kept pushing that thought out. if i thought about visiting this website, i would mentally just say no. so tonight, i was just in a vulnerable mood. well maybe not vulnerable, more just depressed. but i knew it was because i was on day 5. and i know that my mind is playing games with me right now. i know my mind and body is trying to make me feel sorry for myself. oh, i'm so sad, just smoke and make yourself happy. so immediately, without even thinking about coming to this site, i just did it. so i hopped on and started reading. Re-reading this thread from the beginning to now, brought back all the reasons i wanted to stop in the first place. because i knew, I KNEW, in my gut, this wasn't the path i wanted. As much as I want to have weed in my life in some form or shape, i know it has ruined my life. it closed doors. its killed desire. its emptied my soul.
Then i read CJ, random1 and Jhouse. how you think of me, support me, pray for me. and how its just as hard for you guys to quit, and i'm over here, being such a weaksauce, and not returning the support and love. I came here to listen, to learn, to support, to be supported. i realize now, i'm part of something special, and i need to step up. I can't say, I have all my strength back, but i can say, i've replaced my emptiness with some strength, and that was from all of your guys' posts. every story, every experience, every effort, every failure, and every re-start of quitting, only reinforces that quitting isn't something that is accomplished. quitting isn't a goal you can reach in x amount of time. quitting is constant, on going. i thought i was home free at week 8, but anything, anything can bring you back.
Thank you all for posting. thank you all for listening. i realize now, i must do my part as well in helping you all, by being strong and posting regularly.
-Burger
one thing about trying to quit. is that, when you fail, you fail with a vengeance. so since my last posting this is what happened. I went to the hospital because i had some adhesions with a scar i had 10 years ago, that created a problem with my small bowels. I had to have surgery and i was in the hospital for 8 days. I was given an epidural, and afterwards, vicodin for the pain.
this was a speed bump i could not survive. the feelings from the pain medication mimic'd the feeling of bud. i think it took me a week out of the hospital and i was back to smoking. i cautioned myself, stating, its only for the pain that i'm going thru. So i'm just gonna use a little. next thing you know i'm scoring a qp cuz my buddy got a nice deal. and for a good 4-5 weeks, i was back to blazing. before i quit, i was just smoking after work til the evening and on weekends. when i started again recently, i was INSANE. i think i knew i wanted to quit again, so for some reason, i was BINGE SMOKING. as in I would start my day with a hit, go to work. go home 3-4 times a day to recharge and to go back to work, return home and smoke, etc. etc. etc. i would pass out eating at like 9pm, then wake up at 3am with the TV on. I would then take a hit, (which was pretty much WASTING my bud) cuz i would just pass out immediately, not even enjoying the buzz. it was ridiculous. I avoided this website like the plague, and this just continued.
If you read my previous posts, you read i was mountain biking, playing tennis, golfing, coaching football, playing flag football, and after my trip to the hospital I slowly digressed to be just in my room. i'm so disappointed in myself, and I feel like I let down CJ, Jhouse, and everyone who has put in time in this thread. I'm sooooo good at hiding from my own feelings. And yeah, smoking definitely numbs all that guilt.
So where am i now? Well. I killed the qp last week and i'm on the wagon again, well, let's say by default. i texted my hook last night and tonight. no call back. blessing in disguise. i was flippin out for a second. in the back of my mind, i knew i had a support group, but i kept pushing that thought out. if i thought about visiting this website, i would mentally just say no. so tonight, i was just in a vulnerable mood. well maybe not vulnerable, more just depressed. but i knew it was because i was on day 5. and i know that my mind is playing games with me right now. i know my mind and body is trying to make me feel sorry for myself. oh, i'm so sad, just smoke and make yourself happy. so immediately, without even thinking about coming to this site, i just did it. so i hopped on and started reading. Re-reading this thread from the beginning to now, brought back all the reasons i wanted to stop in the first place. because i knew, I KNEW, in my gut, this wasn't the path i wanted. As much as I want to have weed in my life in some form or shape, i know it has ruined my life. it closed doors. its killed desire. its emptied my soul.
Then i read CJ, random1 and Jhouse. how you think of me, support me, pray for me. and how its just as hard for you guys to quit, and i'm over here, being such a weaksauce, and not returning the support and love. I came here to listen, to learn, to support, to be supported. i realize now, i'm part of something special, and i need to step up. I can't say, I have all my strength back, but i can say, i've replaced my emptiness with some strength, and that was from all of your guys' posts. every story, every experience, every effort, every failure, and every re-start of quitting, only reinforces that quitting isn't something that is accomplished. quitting isn't a goal you can reach in x amount of time. quitting is constant, on going. i thought i was home free at week 8, but anything, anything can bring you back.
Thank you all for posting. thank you all for listening. i realize now, i must do my part as well in helping you all, by being strong and posting regularly.
-Burger