My boyfriend would rather masterbate than have sex with me!

I would if he would have sex with me.....

And what kind of ” answer” is that, making it all about him still???

I have the SAMEEE exact problem!!! 2-3 times a day he is masturbating and we NEVER have sex. he's 28 and I'm 25.. I want to all the time and try to initiate and still get turned down with excuses like "I'm tired, or I'm stressed" uhh hello! I'm freaking stressed too, and he try's extremely hard to hide it to, even deleting all the history on his computer... but our hard wood floor always have "wet spots" under the computer, you're not obvious or anything!! It gets really frustrating, and I have tried talking to him a million times about this.. It would be a LOT different if he were having sex with me more than once a month... I could be single and have more sex than this! It's like he's cheating with the computer! Ughh.. How do I semi- fix this?!!!

Dave wrote:

stephanie12 wrote:

So what if he says that he doesn't want to have sex at all? I tried to get a reason out of him but he just keeps making up all kinds of excuses. I wouldn't mind if that is what he wanted but when he cant give me a reason then it makes me feel like he'd just rather not have sex with me. I know that if we weren't having sex then he'd be getting off to porn and such. This makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong or that he's not attracted to me at all. 

If I may,
I feel that we need to talk about boundaries. I am married and I want to protect my lady from this, so i work at not allowing my self to look at porn. for me it is a fight to keep my victory that i won a few years ago. There is always temptation but its what I do with that temptation that matters.

I would really like to see the standard for men to be raised. I want to see men love their woman with their entire beings. And protect the woman from even themselves.

Men shouldn't look at porn because it creates distance in the relationship. Women need to know that they are worth the fight, because you are.

If you two are dating then I would leave him and find a man that knows how to meet your needs. (fist you need to know what your needs are.)

Do you know what your love language are? there is a book that tells you about them.

If he doesnt meet your needs then you need to tell him what they are. The best person to tell him about you, is you. "I have noticed in the past that girls want the man to know what they are thinking and what they want, when in reality how could we?" we cant, the way i found out was by asking.

So if your dating him move on. but if your married you really need to lay down the boundaries (which there is also a really good book for that as well). The biggest thing you have to do though is follow through with what what you say your going to do. I.e. if you dont stop looking at porn im going to leave and stay at my friends or family house until you stop. And i will tell them why I am there.

This gives them some pressure and thats what they need. they need to know that this is impacting other people and that its not just "no big deal".

Men need to know how it effects the people around them.

Know that your not doing anything wrong, he is just getting his needs met somewhere else and thats why you are not getting your needs met.

kind of like the 90/10 Rule.

Awesome reply.. there should be more men like you that doesn't put his physical 'desires' first but instead puts the physical 'needs' of the relationship first ! If more men had this mentality there would be a much lower divorce rate in this country... kudos to you kind sir :)

im a male and i know its much easier to masterbate than make love males do not normaly kneed stimulation we only have to touch our sex and it will get an erection so there you are ready to go.now with a girl it is no way the same you might not fancy it now im not in the mood no i have my periods oh i forgot my pill so many times we are told no its a downer my ex wife said no so many times i had to find other ways,im not putting you ladies down but i as a guy only kneed to be told a couple of times NO and you start looking for another way to be satisfied ie masterbation another women or in my case i did not want to be unfaithful and go with another women so strange as it might sound i found comfort with other guys at least we know what we want and we certainly know how to do it.knowing how to do it is another subject!!!!.

My boyfriend looks at porn as well. I can't stand porn it's very trashy in my opinion. I think he's had a big problem with it.he looks at it behind my back...even at work on lunch break. He knows how bad it bothers me because he hardly has sex with me like 1 time a week. He's 27 years old so he's still young. Idk what to do and he knows it makes me upset and I cry but doesn't change anything.

it just isn't fair how we woman feel about it....why? it really hurts

I am in the exact same position! I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. I am 24 and he is 29. When we first got together we had sex pretty much every day. Now we have sex once a week, but i literally have to beg him! He masterbates, alot! Ive asked him time and time again why he never initiates sex anymore, and he just says hes lost his mojo basically (he had an operation on his balls earlier this year and the same operation last year too). How could he have lost his mojo if hes masterbating everyday? I have caught him having naughty chats when he's been drunk and i've been in bed, and also caught him trying to go on naughty webcam chats. I have never felt so unattractive in my life or useless! I've told him how I feel and he says he'll make more effort, and he does for about a day then just slips back into his old routine. When we do have sex, he can't keep it up half the time and he just does not seem as keen as me. I've asked him to go to the doctors for help, but he never listens. I've tried spicing up the bedroom by suggesting new things, but he's not interested. I feel like I cant satisfy my man anymore and I hate it! What am I suppose to do?

I had this problem also. And i felt when i talked to my boyfriend he wasnt listing to me either. Here is something to try: When ever you think he is off to him self masterbating. Try asking can you join in on the action. You will see an big change in your sex life with him. Because you are acting as a couple on something your mate enjoys doing.

I feel so terrible too :(
We got married only 3 months ago and we barely have sex the most 3 or 4 times a month. I knew he just jerking off the whole time because everyone we would say he's going to take a shower it would take him about an hour to start the shower and he would always take the iPad with him saying he's going to read the news. But I knew what he was doing because every time he came out o the bathroom he would erase the history in the iPad. I also would see all my creams disappear and if I would ask him if he knew where they were he would say no and then I would find it hidden in his drawers. I bought a bottle of lube to spice things up a little bit. And guess what the lube is gone and we haven't used it together. I found another way to check the history in my iPad after he tried erasing it because I didn't want to confront him untill I had a prove. And this morning when I woke up an checked the iPad I found out that he's been jerking off at 5 in the morning!!! Even before he went to work. No wonder he doesn't wanna have sex with me. We don't have any kids I'm attractive and I'm always up for sex and it really hurts me to see that only after 3 months of marriage I'm going through this.
My heart is broken :(

It's not likely that he finds you unattractive or bad in bed. It's just that when you masturbate, you are in supreme control of the situation. You know exactly how to turn yourself on & see it through to fruition. Another thing to consider is anger. Have you been fighting a lot? did you say something that may have really hurt him (guys generally aren't very good at sharing those feelings) I'm not trying to put it all on you, it's just something to consider. One final thing: are you aware of anything that he may absolutely need in bed? He might just have a fetish or a sexual variation (i.e. Kink) that he wants to do with you, but fears you will reject it (or him) if he voices it (and the reality is that you might-everyone has his/her limits & that's okay too.) Speaking from my own experience, I just cannot be with a partner who won't spank me/be spanked by me-I've tried! Domestic Discipline is something I MUST have in a relationship, and fortunately, my soulmate is all for it. Anyway, it is possible that he is scared to tell you what he wants or must have & he is trying to live it out vicariously through masturbating to porn. My suggestion would be to sit down with him & ask him if it is okay to watch the pornos with him. You may discover something-I dunno. But I do hope that this helps.

I have the Same problem with my boyfriend. He masturbates all the time and never wants sex with me. If we do have sex and if he doesn't deny me, I'm always the initiator . When we finally do have sex there is absolutely NO kissing and ZERO four play ! I feel no connection on his end. I almost think he only has sex with me because he knows he's supposed to. and can't wait till its over for me, so I will go down on him and finish him off that way. I know he loves me but when it comes to sex we are on two totally diffrent pages! We live together in my condo and today I came home from work to my bedroom door locked and him sleeping with no pants on ! ( obviously he fell asleep after jerking off) he creeps me out! He has no problem with me know when he's masturbating. He knows I would be there to fulfill his needs anytime but he chooses his and and porn over me! I have come to the conclusion that I'm with a very very selfish , self indulged man! Pretty sad! :(

Please allow me to preface my reply by stating for the record that I'm no counselor, just a layman, so take this with as large a grain of yee ole' Morton's as you wish... Yeah, it is pretty sad. I'm a guy & I love to masturbate to porn, do so all of the time. But I can't wrap my mind around the idea of not wanting to have sex with my Wife. As for no foreplay, that's just f*****g pathetic! I was raised in a type of hillbilly/biker/metal culture & we always take pride in making our Women squeal with all that we do to you before the tiger sticks his head in your tanks! In fact, Men will often boast to each other (when you ladies aren't around) about how we did this thing or that to her & it drove her out of her mind. I don't expect everyone to have the same social orientation, but from the perspective I have culturally, you don't have BALLS if you don't go down on it! Fulfilling your Woman's sexual needs is a mark of Manhood-equaled only by being a good protector & a good Father. Like I said to all of the Women in my first reply: Don't bash Men & don't blame porn & Masturbation in & of itself. Look instead for three things in your own relationship: 1. Is it a health issue (get him checked for low test levels! Lack of testosterone can affect both libido & energy levels) 2. Is he mad at you over anything that you may not (or maybe he is not) be aware of? the lack of affection, no kissing at all? that's just f*****g weird even for the most unromantic Men out there & it sounds like he might be harboring something you may need to talk about or even see a shrink over. 3. Does he have a "special need" that he can experience vicariously in his mind from porn that he may be afraid to talk to you about? He may have a kink or two or five like I do that must be fulfilled & porn may be his only outlet. I've tried to be in relationships with what we in the BDSM/Fetish sub-culture call "vanilla" partners for their other qualities but it never worked out. No matter how hard I tried, I just felt low, unfulfilled & even judged all of the time over my sexual variations. As long as what he wants doesn't involve something illegal (i.e. something that trespasses on the rights of others) then you may want to have a look-see at what kind of porn he is into & see if you can experiment. Just don't push yourself & don't be afraid to say you just can't do something that he really wants. It may end the relationship, but it's better to end it now than to be in it 20 years deep... miserable & "cheating" to get your own needs met. The main thing is to keep the lines of communication open & if he won't even do that then you may not be able to resolve anything in any part of your lives together. If that's the case (and only if that's the case) do like my old hillbilly Mama often says and "high tail it outta there!" That may sound cold, but sometimes you have to be that way. I hope it doesn't come to that, but you have a right to have your needs met as much as anyone else. Be prepared to gently let him down, leave, cry it out & start fresh with someone else. Again, just a long winded laymen here-take it for what it's worth to you, & I hope it helps just the same.

I am feeling this way too!!! It's getting to the point that I am always the initiator in the bedroom. When we do have sex it's like I have to beg him. That doesn't help my self-esteem at all!!!

Look I'm 38 and he will not change he is 35, when we dated it was the same thing once a week I thought he was tired. Now we are married for five years I'm a sex addict I try everything I dress sexy I talk to him nasty I played around and no action and he takes this stupid pill call turned on pill whatever turned on for who. The only thing I know that he was in the navy for years. Probably he got addicted to all the prostitutes and masterbating. To tell you the truth I'm getting tired of One day a week deal, only when he wants too because if it was up to me I will be doing the nasties everyday. I just hope I never find someone on the side, I will hate to do that since I love him very much. Guys please, love your partners and besides it does take to much of your time and one more thing we get very depressed we don't feel sexy but be careful someone is always looking for the opportunity to come.