Hello,
I have just stopped smoking marijuana and I am writing to document my recovery.
Background: I am 27 years old and started smoking when I was 17.5. I have been smoking on essentially a daily basis for the last 9 years with short breaks (longest break of 31 days) here and there due to vacation and necessity. I never thought I would be one of those individuals who would be controlled by a drug. I have a full blown addiction that I need to address.
I began smoking senior year mostly out of curiosity and the social appeal. We all remember the glorious first times we smoked. I loved it and so did my close friends. It quickly became something we did every time we hang out. The problem is that I lost control and it took over my life. I started smoking daily beginning my second semester of my freshmen year (2004, though I started smoking heavily the winter break before). I was always focused and hardworking (especially in high school), but the weed removed this focus and ambition. My grades plummeted to a level that I could not even understand. The negative events continued to accumulate for me: loss of all my money, stealing things to make ends meet and smoke, totally ignoring my academics, socially less inclined to go out, and more. I was arrested for stealing second semester of my sophomore year (2005) which I was lucky to have completely expunged. When I graduated, I lost my job due to a failed drug test. I was fortunate to find another position at a mediocre company, but have managed to work hard since and create a somewhat decent life for myself. I have a job now which I like (though I am concerned about my upward prospects) and have just gotten engaged. I want to change my life and I am committed to making this cessation the final one.
I have tried to quit countless times in the past. The most I have done has been a month on two occasions. I have experienced the symptoms I have seen in this form including significant agitation and irritability, extremely vivid nightmares and bad dreams, anxiousness and lack of focus. However, my mind always does clear up after a few days and my drive and ambition returns. However, my demeanor around others is less pleasant and I definitely have to deal with my anger which is far more significant when I don’t smoke. I do not feel as happy and it is very difficult for me to relax unless I smoke.
Preparation: Last night, I threw out all of my paraphernalia, including two bongs, a high quality grinder and left over weed. I always say I’m going to start tomorrow, but having the equipment and availability is just too much for me. I always fail if it is around. I cannot go back to smoking once in a while as I am a complete addict.
My strategy is to just do it. I will keep my apartment a completely weed free environment (I even threw out my lighters). I will write daily on this website to document my progress. I am seeing a psychiatrist who I will speak with once every two weeks about my progress and for support. My friends and fiancé are sick of me claiming I’m going to quit and always failing, so I will have to rely on myself. At the end of the day, this will make me much better and it is what I want to do. It is my life and this is for me.
Day 1:
12pm - I woke up today with not much sleep but managed to make it to the gym and work out. I had a busy morning at work which has helped take my mind off of things. I feel foggy and hazy since I smoked so much yesterday and last night. I want to feel clean and focused. My goal is to just survive today as best I can and take care of as many productive tasks as I can. So far, I’m doing ok but I know the true test will come later this afternoon/evening.
One thing I notice is that part of my addiction to weed has to do with boredom. When I smoke, I do not feel bored and am entertained easily by TV or just chilling. Removing the weed and thinking about going home, it opens up all this time, but also feels like “oh no, there is no fun or real happiness for me today”. It sucks and is a shitty feeling. If I don’t even think about it, it would be so much easier. I am going to work on a list of immediate things I can do when I get a craving. It’s like I’m a dog and need to be retrained – certain situations are triggers (such as being alone) and I want to be ready to break the habit.
Hi,
Good Luck! Sounds like your really gonna do it!!
Fair play to you! I know how hard it is. I have exactly the same problem. I'm 32 and have been smoking since i was 15 = 17 years and a heavy smoker for 12 years - mental.
I don't know about you but i have a proper love hate relationship with it. I enjoy it, it helps me relax, keeps my temper in check and i still keep myself busy and active. I swim most days (at least 40 lengths) and before i had a bilateral hernia op, i used to work full time.
But what i hate about it, is it's control. I'm so dependant on it to be happy, it sometimes seems. I feel like i can't live without it. I also can't afford it, there are plenty of other things i could spend that cash on but i don't :(
i also know what you mean about missing it when your on your own. I even think about it when i'm doing stuff, or when i 1st get out of the pool. Shocking i know.
But i wish you all the best, and i hope you will be an inspiration to me!
1:50 pm - It has been two hours since my last post and so far I am hanging in there. At lunch, I had the familiar craving to go home and smoke. In fact, if I had anything, I definitely would have done it. It was a perfect opportunity. This is why I am glad I threw everything out yesterday. I need to maintain an environment that isn't conducive to smoking. A bit more boredom this afternoon for sure, but i am getting a bit more work done trying to stay distracted.
My friend gave up 4 months ago, as after so many years he had began feeling nervous (lots going on in personal life at the time) and so he stopped but he tells me, he doesnt really feel any different overall. He just has more cash.
I think the thing for me is, it doesnt stop me doing what i want or need to do. Yes, i do get hangovers from it but then if i had a heavy night drinking, i would expect the same. I feel like i smoke it like people smoke cigarettes and that in my head can't be good.
i'm planning on finishing what i have tonight then i'm gonna keep myself away from where i can get some for a while and hope for the best.
But you are on your way now my friend, don't give in and keep away from temptation!
Thanks.
On the point about your friend not smoking for four months and not feeling any different, that is part of my fear, is that I can't be as happy without weed as I am with it. That said, if he does feel the same, but with more money and none of the other side effects (smell, coughing, etc.), it seems it is better to be clean. I just hope that I can have a full feeling of happiness in a life without smoking.
So I just spoke to my best friend whom I haven't seen in a few weeks. We were previously roommates for over four years (I moved out by myself a few months back) and he is a pothead. He is not nearly as bad as me (he would never smoke before or during work), but does smoke all the time at nights and on the weekend. We have had so many good times together and countless chilling sessions. We were essentially smoking buddies and I loved to get high and just chill and watch tv/movies. Since I got engaged, he is coming over to hang out for a bit and asked if I had anything. When I said no, he was like "what? Oh no" and I have to put up a bit of a fight to stay clean. He has some and suggested bringing it over or that I go to his place to chill. I immediately said no, but the stupid idea is creeping into my brain. Addiciton changes your brain chemistry and the way you think, and ultimately your decision making process. I cannot trust myself to make decisions with pot. Earlier, I was feeling better that it was not at all available for me. Now that the option has presented itself, it has become a tougher mental battle. I'm going to focus now on relaxing and will try to meditate when I go home. Being cognizant of the fight that may about to take place in my head over the next few hours will probably make me irritable.
One day at a time. Today, I am not going to smoke. I am going to stay strong. I'm going to see my friend and try to have a good time and relax. I may drink a bit tonight but don't want to get drunk or start this as a subsitute. I'll continue to post as I feel this is helping.
Well, I was unable to sustain my last break. Re-reading the earlier posting, I succumbed to the tempation of my friend at night and smoked. It has been almost a month of constant smoking (a few short-lived attempts to quit) since the last posting. I am now going to try to do this again. A few thoughts:
- I am not in control; this drug is deeply rooted in my brain stem and controls my decisions.
- I need help. Clearly, the last 10 years of facts show that I am unable to stop smoking by myself. I need to seek assistance. I am going to join an online/phone Marijuana Anonymous meeting this afternoon. I want to do this again on Friday (they offer this during weekdays). On Saturday and Sunday, I should go to the meetings. It sounds like a lot of effort, but I need to take every step to help myself.
- I will use this forum to document my progress
- I will use close people in my life for support (I will call them when I have a craving)
I've thrown out all of my paraphenelia, but I have the dealer number memorized. I am going to leave my phones at work tonight so I don't have any ability to get any more. Tomorrow (Friday) will be tough, but I'm going out with some friend and hopefully that will distract me. On Saturday/Sunday, I plan to go to the MA meetings which should keep me focused.
This is an annoying and frustrating battle, and I'm sick of being tired of fighting. I'm going try and think one day at a time. I will continue to post as I progress.
Hey Newbie1k,
I hope you don't mind me replying. I've been following your posts and wanted to reply before, but I wanted to see if you'd post back and update.
I absolutely, completely, totally know where you're at! Everything you've written sounds like an echo of my own story (or mine is an echo of yours! Either way...). I've give you my overview and see what you think & lets see if we can help each other (tips, advice, someone to post/email when the the need arises, etc).
I started smoking dope when I was 11; a friend's parents were drug dealers and getting it was very easy. I'm 36 now, so back then cannabis was viewed as a soft drug- no worse than alcohol, associated with hippies, something to chill-out with, etc. Me and my friends were growing up in a world where drugs were the norm- we all knew someone who was in to dealing. My first few serious boyfriends were dealers.
Yet I never did anything else but weed. While my two best mates went on to be heroin addicts, I just smoked weed....dabbled a bit in speed at the age of 18...and later tried coke (twice). But other drugs didn't attract me as much as the green. I'm hyperactive and live on my nerves (blame my childhood!), so amphetamines didn't really give me a high. Instead, they just made me feel ill, so after my curiousity was quashed, I didn't go back.
Weed was a different story. It slowed me down, made me think before I spoke/acted; chillled me out. As a kid, I suffered with severe mental health problems- I attempted suicide a number of times and suffered with social anxiety. Weed was my escape. When I was with that particular group of friends, I felt accepted, smoking with them. I felt chilled out and relaxed in their company and I felt happy while stoned...a feeling that was rare in my childhood. However, those girls also turned out to be my biggest bullies, but that's another story! Anyway......
Started: age 11....carried on sporadically until I was about 19, then didn't really smoke at all. Was more in to drinking at that stage & only smoking it once in a while socially. I couldn't skin up back up- my spliffs ended up like tampons! Had my child at age 24- so obviously, didn't smoke or drink then, although I was smoking dope up to the year before I concieved my son (again, it was on & off).
Two years after my son was born, I was diagnosed with post-natal depression. I'd seen psychiatrists and counsellors in my teenage years and early adulthood, but would only ever have sessions after I attempted something 'stupid', and only once or twice got prescribed medication, which I wouldn't take (for fear of addiction!).
I was someone who was of the mind that those who became addicted to drugs had done it to themselves; it was their fault- people take drugs, so they cause their own addictions....surely? (Now I think- Ha! How niave was I!)
At 26, I was a single-parent, living in one room at my mum's house, with whom I had a volatile relationship with. There was the almighty atmosphere of two women trying to raise a child....and I cracked. I had no qualifications (due to leaving school- unofficially, of course- at 14years old), no job and no one to turn to. I was prescribed medication and spent the next two years going through utter hell, trying to get the right medication and dose. I had good periods of time and it was during one period of time that I got a job and moved out of my mum's in to a small, run-down, over-priced flat. But needless to say, it wasn't long until I had another breakdown. I lost my job, lost my flat and was so in debt that I had to declare bankruptcy. My meds were changed again and it was during this time that I started smoking weed again. My son was 3 at this point.
With some anti-depressents there has to be a come-down period of about two weeks before going on to a new one. During one particularly bad come-down stage, a cousin who I'd recently got in touch with offered me some weed. I hadn't touched it in years, but it helped me immensly.
And I haven't stopped...and it's nearly 10 years later.
After that break-down, I started smoking weed, yet I still went and saw a psychologist and I told him what I was doing. He warned me that it could inhibit my recovery, yet I was again in a really shite situation and I didn't feel strong enough to give it up. I went back to college at around this time too- suggested by my psychologist. I started working and soon enough, my son started school. The cannabis kept me focused- it didn't matter what I had to deal with, such as my mothers mood swings, cleaning faeces from toilets (which was one of my jobs!), exams, ect- I could do it, as long as I had my couple of spliffs at the end of the night.
Then it progressed to needing one in the morning to get me going and dumb me from the rest of the day. Then a sneaky one, while walking between jobs....etc!
I have many justifications for my habit.
I have a personality disorder, so I'm prone to depression, paranoia, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. The weed keeps all that at bay- it's only when I stop smoking, that I have a problem! I'm an absolute disaster with people- I don't always understand social cues and can come across as either over-opinionated or overly shy! Soo the weed keeps me socially avoidant; there's a whole damn party going on in my head, so I don't need people. I feel insecure when I feel out of control, yet the weed keeps me in control. I don't get 'stoned'- I get functional and I feel 'sorted'. I don't smoke a great deal, even though I smoke them like cigarettes. As I've justified it as self-medicating for years, I stick to a set amount a week and for years, I didn't go beyond that. However, once or twice, I did double it- usually at times of high stress.
I've tried to give it up; I hate the dependency, I hate the feel of 'waiting for the dealer' and the anxiety of knowing that I'm getting down to my last day's worth. I hate that I am anti-social and I can't change that while still on the weed. I suffer panic attacks, if I go out while stoned and get paranoid that others can smell it on me or notice my pupils. But giving up is extremely hard and is proving nigh on impossible.
When I do give up, it's the physical stuff that gets me, not the mental stuff! Since that mental breakdown I mentioned, I've done pretty well as a 'pot-head'. I was so stoned and focused on sorting my life out in other areas that I worked my way out of my mother's house through doing mundane, boring jobs and studied until I had enough qualifications to get to uni. I then toked for years while struggling as a full-time student, single-parent & part-time barmaid. And then through my time working for a university and presenting conferences and giving lectures.......
I am in such a better place in my life that I no longer need to smoke, yet it's always, always the physical withdrawal that kills me and drives me back.
I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't sit down & focus on one thing for too long, I can't even go to the loo! I sweat profusely, I get headaches and aches and pains in places I never knew existed and all this leads me to snap & call the dealer.
I'm a qualified psychologist now & have devised plan after plan, full of cognitive strategies, replapse avoidance techniques, etc, etc- none flippin work. Thus, I'm doing something new- changing everything about my current lifestyle. It's all still in progress, but implimenting the big changes started last week. For well over a year, I've been cutting down and disregarding my quitting periods where I didn't smoke for weeks at a time, I usually don't smoke for at least 3 days a week now. I can go for around 4 (which is better than the 1 it was, not so long ago) days without any physical effects, but not much longer than that.
Sorry for the ramble- just know you're not alone & I will be thinking of you. If you need to 'chat', email me through here. I really do understand your plight- it sounds very similar to my own.
Good luck on your journey.
V
Oh sorry, just wanted to say- I laughed when I read the bit about you memorising the dealers number! Oh how that sounds soooooo familiar! lol My dealers number is a really easy one and its the only damn number I can remember! Throwing out my paraphenalia is no good either- my corner shop sells grinders for less than a fiver and thats the only paraphenalia I own! I've been through about 8 grinders in the last 6 months- I must throw one out nearly every two weeks or so. You're right- it's an ingrained addiction.
Anyone who says that weed isn't addictive is either in denial or hasn't been addicted! Simplz! It IS addictive and while the green brigade may say it's only a mental addiction, I honestly believe that the weed around today is more potent than what it used to be. It's not a harmless drug- it's like any drug; it creates a dependency.
Anyway, take care.
V
Boy do you suck at quitting and your journal is bs. I actually fell for your spiel and was ready to follow your journey. Your useless! lol