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Gaslighting: How To Recognize This Powerful Form Of Emotional Abuse And Manipulation

by — 2015-08-03 in Emotional & Stress Management
Gaslighting is an emotional manipulation techniques many abusers successfully employ to make their victims believe they lack sound judgment. Could you spot gaslighting, and what can you do about it?

It started the minute my dear friend was laid off from her job: her partner, an intelligent and outwardly charming man, went on a mission to take complete control of her life. The first thing he did was tell her that I and her other friends weren't welcome at their house any more. Then, he started micro-managing her time, being a demanding helicopter parent to a grown woman, a woman who should have been his equal. He didn't stop there, however. In order to really accomplish what he had set out to accomplish, he had to make my friend believe that she was the crazy one.

"No, that never happened," he'd tell her when she brought up things that bothered her. 

"You are being too senstive," he'd say if she was upset by her behavior.

"You are spreading negative energy throughout the house, preventing other people from being productive," he'd yell.

She was accused of starting arguments he instigated. She was called rude for not wanting to get up in the middle of the night to clean the house, and called a bad parent for not cooking during the very same time he ordered her to have lengthy conversations about her failures with him. If she questioned his behavior, he'd tell her she was simply projecting her abusive parents' traits onto him. 

Did those things really not happen, was she really too sensitive, what it all her fault, and was she perhaps truly imagining things simply because she had been raised in an abusive environment? Cut off from her support network, her friends, my friend started to question her own sanity. 

This is called gaslighting, and it's a highly successful manipulation technique employed by many abusers. 

Gaslighting Defined

The term gaslighting was taken from a 1938 stage play that was later released as multiple film adaptations. In the play, an emotionally abusive husband sets out to convince his wife that she is insane by manipulating elements of her environment and then making her think she was remembering things incorrectly. The title is a reference to gas lights the husband used, but convinced his wife she was imagining. 

Gaslighting is a technique in which an abusive person intentionally makes their victim question reality. While this is abusive in itself, gaslighting is frequently used as merely one tool in an abusive person's tool box — if the victim believes they are prone to misintepreting, misremembering, confusion or oversensitivity, they are also much more likely to believe that the abuse isn't happening, is their fault, or isn't so bad after all.

READ Signs You May Be In An Abusive Relationship

Since gaslighting involves the systematic dismantling of a person's perception of reality, identifying whether it is happening to you can be incredibly difficult. Gaslighting is most effective in situations where the perpetrator has a large degree of control over their victim's life. Hence, while anyone can attempt to use this abusive technique, parents and partners are most likely to be successful at convincing their victims that they are insane. On the next page, we'll deal with signs that your partner is gaslighting you.

Is Your Partner Gaslighting You?

Seeks To Dismantle Your Trust In Yourself

As gaslighting is, essentially, a form of social conditioning in which the perpetrator manipulates you into distrusting yourself, your memories, and your sense of reality, gaslighters are on a constant mission to discredit you. Victims of gaslighting will all be on the receiving end of very similar statements. They include things like:

  • That didn't happen.
  • You are remembering that incorrectly.
  • Why are you so sensitive?
  • Are you sure about that?
  • Like you'd remember, with that memory of yours.
  • (Directed at others:) She's just being emotional again.
  • You're so emotional. 
 
Should you feel able to question the gaslighter's version of events, the catch phrases won't stop. They'll simply pull out some new, reactive ones: "Why do you have to bring this up again?", "Why are you so rude?", "I don't have time to deal with your emotions", "Why do you make everyone's life difficult?", and in my friend's case, "You're spreading your negative energy and ruining things for everyone else". 
 
Meanwhile, the gaslighter will likely portray themselves as the victim of your wrongdoings/emotional abuse/(imaginary) mental illness. The moment you stand up for yourself, your partner will be the wounded little animal who needs saving... from you.

Seeks To Isolate (Or Get Others In On The Act)

The more isolated you are, the more likely you are to start questioning yourself, your perception, and your sanity as a result of these statements. If you are able to receive feedback from others that what your partner claims didn't happen did happen, that your memory is fine, that you are not overly emotional or sensitive, and that you have sound judgment, gaslighting isn't going to have a great chance of working. So how do abusive partners get around that? By systematically isolating you from any support network you may otherwise have, or getting people around you to see the same "version" of you they want you to see. 
 
"If you'd just be more reasonable and listen to him, everything would be OK," my friend's adult son would tell her. "No, mom, you're just being emotional," her younger child would exclaim if she tried to discipline him. My friend's abusive partner had to include their children in his web of manipulation to be able to keep the act up. This started when they were young, and has severely colored the children's perception of their own mother.

If You Are Being Gaslighted...

  1. Make a mental note on every occasion where you recognize gaslighting and label the behavior.
  2. Trust yourself: you are not insane, what is happening to you is.
  3. Discuss what is happening with others. Seek therapy, reach out and build a support network.
  4. Recognize your right to have feelings.
  5. Get the hell out of that relationship.
Yes, some of these steps are much, much easier said than done, and if you are in an abusive relationship where gaslighting occurs, getting out may not be easy or even the safest option right now. The first step, however, is always freeing your mind and trusting yourself. Those manipulation techniques start losing their power real fast once you consciously recognize them, label them, and know they you are being manipulated.

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