How To Get Your Toddler To Stop Hugging Everyone

Toddlers, let's face it, don't have the best of reputations. As your sweet baby moves out of infancy and into toddlerhood, you know they'll take their first steps and say their first words, but you will also be expecting them to learn the power of the word "no", discover temper tantrums, and make awful messes. Two-year old kids are thought to be the most challenging — as evidenced by the term "terrible twos" — but we don't expect much better from our one and three year olds, either.

My son? He was the best at that age, the most affectionate little boy possible. He was known for his tendency to wipe up spills, wave to everyone like he was a little prince, and hug his friends all the time. How adorable! My son wasn't unique, though. Many toddlers are little love factories, ever-so-willing to make friends with everyone and show it in a very physical way. At that age, kids can be the very opposite of what their reputation deems them to be — most of the time, that is. 

Isn't that great?

Actually, neither might you. While it's awesome that your toddler is so eager to make friends, you also know that it is time for them to learn the meaning of personal boundaries. That's easier said than done, but not impossible. 

Why Do Toddlers Hug Everyone?

Why do toddlers show their affection in such a physical way? For the same reason they hit, pull, and lick. Newborns start out without any sense of being a separate being from their mothers and a child's sense of self develops gradually, starting with a social smile, with realizing you still exist when you leave the room for a while, and with hands that reach out when they want to be picked up. At around 18 months, toddlers become self-conscious. They begin developing a sense of right and wrong, start voicing their own opinions very vocally, and realize they are a special person all their own. 

They feel all the feels, but unfortunately their vocabulary won't catch up with their need to get their point across for quite a while, so they sometimes resort to physical expression and screaming instead. Though the feels and the wish to communicate are there, toddlers also haven't yet had a chance to learn the many nuances of socially acceptable behavior. 

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Of course, when your toddler hits someone, pushes someone, or licks someone, it's easy to explain that those aren't nice things to do, even though it may take them a while to put that into practice. Are you really going to place your toddler in time out for hugging someone though? That seems sad. Thankfully you have other options.

How Do You Teach Your Toddler About Physical Boundaries?

Do you have a little hugger on your hands? It seems really, really hard to explain to your toddler that, though hugging is a very nice thing, not everyone wants to be hugged all the time. The answer lies in teaching your toddler about the sacredness of physical boundaries — just like your toddler's body belongs to them, other people's bodies belong to other people, and it's always a great idea to ask those other people whether they want the physical affection your toddler wants to show them. 

Given enough repetition, toddlers will learn to ask whether someone would like a hug before they smother them. Teaching your toddler about physical boundaries and bodily autonomy will not just protect other people from unwanted affection "perpetrated" by your toddler, but will also be a first step on the long road of helping your child protect their own private space.

Be Patient!

Have you ever started a new job expecting to be shown the ropes by a more experienced coworker, only to have them give you a speed-of-light run-down of your tasks that left your brain filled with more questions than answers? Most of us have been in this situation or a similar one, but we know that learning new tasks and establishing a new routine take time, so rather than being left to our own devices, we ask for clarification.

Toddlers may not have the maturity or the words to ask what we meant when they don't understand, but they will definitely make mistakes. Treat them with the same courtesy you'd show a new coworker — know they they definitely will learn, but gradually. It will take repeating the same thing many times before your toddler starts showing signs that they understand what you have been teaching them. Accepting that fact in advance will save you from a lot of frustration. 

Be Consistent!

This one is important — toddlers learn by observing the world around them. They will always be more likely to do as you do than to do as you say. If you don't want your toddler hugging other people without asking for permission first, ask for permission before you hug them too, and don't make them hug grandma if they don't want to.

Focus On The Positive

Focusing on the positive means taking note when your toddler does what you instructed them to do, and thanking them for it, rather than only pointing out when they make mistakes. Did you notice that your little one didn't just squash-hug their cousin this time, but asked first? Say so! Toddlers are still in that people-pleasing stage and they'll often happily repeat actions they know made you happy. 

Even when your toddler displays behavior you are trying to eliminate, you can coach them using positive language:

• I know you really like Matt! If you'd like to give him a hug, please ask him first. 
• Remember, the baby is really small. Stroke gently, please!
• Grandpa B prefers handshakes, remember?

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Then, talk about what happened. Help your little one notice when other children pull away rather than hug them back, just like their peers cry when they are pinched. Practice other ways to show affection or appreciation, such as high fives and waves. You can also teach your toddler that there's an "imaginary circle" around people about the length of their arms, which people you don't know very well usually prefer you don't step into.