What To Say (And Not To Say) To Someone With Depression

Depression is a hard thing to go through, especially if you're alone in the process. When you find out that someone we deeply care about has depression, you might not know how best to support them. You're not alone if you find it hard to figure out what to say to a depressed person.

 

Many of us find it difficult to talk to someone who we know is suffering from depression. Why? Mostly we are afraid that we will say the wrong thing and cause the person we are trying to comfort further distress; thus, we opt to stay on the side of caution and say nothing at all.

 

However, this does not have to be the case. Although you may be worried about upsetting someone who's suffering from depression, being there for them and saying the right things can really help. Even just a little bit of support may mean the world to them. That's why it's important to know how to talk to someone with depression, especially if it's someone you really care about. 

 

Let's take a look at some practical tips on how to talk to someone who is depressed.

 

Understand That Depression Does Not Always Have an Obvious Cause

Many of us mistakenly believe that there must be an obvious reason for someone to feel depressed. This is not always the case. There may be numerous small events culminating in an episode of situational depression. Everyone has their limits, and what you may be able to withstand may not be the same for others. People with clinical depression resulting from a chemical imbalance may not be able to verbalize why they feel depressed if their depression is due to an abnormality in brain chemistry. Some people may not feel comfortable disclosing why they feel depressed, or may be unable to articulate their feelings. Severely depressed people may find it hard enough to simply attend to simple activities (if they are able) and may be incapable of discussing with others their thoughts and feelings.

Stating that you know how a depressed person feels is unnecessary and may make the depressed person feel as though you are patronizing them or downplaying their feelings. The bottom line is you don’t know how they feel, and you should be careful not to pretend that you do. Depression is a unique experience and no one can truly understand how another is feeling. What you can say is that you are there for that person whenever they need to talk. Offer a nonjudgmental ear and a shoulder to cry on, but don’t pretend to understand if you truly don’t.

Downplaying the seriousness of someone’s feelings is just as harmful. Don’t offer platitudes such as “Things will be better tomorrow” or “Look on the bright side of things”. People suffering from depression have difficulty believing that things will improve, and it may take some time, counseling or medication before their depression begins to lift. Minimizing their feelings won’t make them feel better; in fact, they may feel angry and may turn away from you.
 

What You Should Know About Depression

If you have ever felt depressed, you know what a lonely and isolating feeling depression can be. People who are depressed don’t want to feel the way they do. Telling someone that they have no reason to be depressed, that they are hurting their loved ones or that they should just “will” themselves to be happy can make matters worse. When you say these types of things, however well-meant, you are in effect blaming the victim. You would not say such things if the person were suffering from a physical ailment; a mental ailment is no different- it can’t be wished or willed away at a moment’s notice, and implying that it can is detrimental rather than helpful.

Supporting a loved one who is suffering from depression can be extremely difficult. We often feel helpless because we are unable to “make it better”. We may also feel anger or resentment if the person who is depressed is unable to function as they normally do, placing additional burdens on our lives. We may also feel scared if the person is severely depressed and is or has been suicidal. We may feel somewhat depressed ourselves if our loved one’s depression is long standing. However, one should be cautious not to place blame on the person who is depressed, or to project our own feelings onto them.

Many people have the mistaken belief that bringing up the issue of suicide will put the idea of suicide into a depressed person’s head. This is not the case- if someone is contemplating suicide, your mentioning the idea will not drive them to complete the act. In fact, you should ask the person if they have a plan to commit suicide. If they do, you should seek professional help immediately. If they are not thinking about suicide, ask them to tell you if that changes. Ask them to promise to tell you if they are contemplating suicide- make a “contract” with them.

If you feel that someone is severely depressed, you should encourage them to seek help. There are many avenues of professional help available. They may be encouraged to join a support group, speak to a counselor or have their doctor refer them to a psychiatrist. Online support is another relatively new phenomenon that many people find helpful.
 

Don’t Give Up on Depression

Depression never disappears overnight, and neither should you. Even if the person does not appear to want help or seems unable or unwilling to accept help, continue to offer your unwavering support. Remind them that you are there for them and that you accept and love them even in the condition they are in. Your support will mean a great deal even if they are unable to tell you so at the time.

Here are some practical suggestions for ways you can help someone who is depressed:

•    Make them a meal

•    Offer to go to a counseling session with them if they are scared to go alone

•    Take a walk with them

•    Provide a soothing back rub

•    Call them on the telephone frequently just to say you care

•    Offer to babysit if they are having trouble coping with children

Coping with depression can be difficult, not only for the person experiencing depression but also for those who care about them. If you know someone who is depressed, be supportive but not judgmental. Take your cues from them as to what you can do to help, and remember: saying anything to show your love is better than saying nothing at all. Your support will go a long way towards helping them recover.

If you have difficulty coping with a loved one who is depressed, you may want to seek someone to speak to yourself. A physician or counselor, a trusted friend, a family member or a member of the clergy may be supports that you can take advantage of. Online support groups also exist to support people affected by depression. Remember, you will need your strength to help the person with depression that you care for, so take care of yourself first.