I feel similar to you, except I have two children, and I just had my second abortion two weeks ago. I know people would like to judge but they don't know your story or why you made the choice you made.. I got pregnant ON birth control and the first time I told my boyfriend. We already have two kids together but are not married. We were not in a good financial place two years ago and we had both previously agreed that we didn't want more kids. So I had a surgical abortion. I did not feel one bit guilty about because it's what we both wanted and I felt at peace with my decision. This time, I found out I was pregnant again and felt dumbfounded. How does this happen to me two years later, when I was SO sure I didn't want more kids ??! So I decided to have an abortion, medical this time. I could not tell him. I tried so many times and the words just got stuck in my throat. I didn't tell anyone except one best friend. I felt like anyone else I told in my life would judge me, and I would disappoint everyone, including him. I felt like the world would just be against me, as irrational as that might sound.
The fact that I cannot communicate with this man lets me know I made the right choice again. Although we already have two beautiful children and I do not regret them for a second, I do not want more kids with someone who will not marry me or discuss it. I know it's partly my fault for having kids with someone without a ring.
But this time, I am sad. I am angry. At myself, at him. The fact that I didn't tell him and the fact that I went through this alone. There are sooo many conflicting emotions going through me that I don't even know if I could explain them or separate them all. So I went through a medical abortion on my own, thankfully I only had one night of painful cramps, the bleeding was a little harder but I just made up a story about it and now he has been trying to hint that he wants to have sex and I just can't. I don't want to and I feel bad that rejecting him is hurting his feelings, without him knowing but I just don't care. I don't care if I never have sex again. I don't want to get pregnant and that's all I am thinking about now since this happened to me.
My bleeding has slowed down finally and I am relieved that I am no longer pregnant, but I also feel sad and guilty, and I don't know why. I even had a brief moment when I was bleeding heavily where I just wished that I would die ad not have to explain anything to anyone ever again. That was a scary moment for me and I'm far from suicidal but that's just how bad I felt about everything that was going on.
The past two weeks have been a roller coaster, and I see now that I need to end this relationship but I can't find the courage. I can't even talk to him about how I feel. He is a good father and provider, he isn't abusive or unfaithful. But I just feel like he doesn't appreciate me and he can never see my point of view if I did bring it up to him..
I hope I heal from all of this sometime in the future, and find courage to deal with things in my life that need to be dealt with.
I am not trying to discourage anyone from having an abortion, because sometimes it can be the right thing. Like I said, the first time I had none of these feelings or regrets. I already have two children and I'm glad I didn't bring more into this world. My main thing now is to make sure I never get pregnant. I will use more than one method of birth control, and I am going to look into getting my tubes tied. Just be smart because an abortion or having a child are both things you cannot change once they are done!
I have a different perspective on this that may shed some light on the regrets that you have. You all seem so sad, so downtrodden, so despaired. I feel that way as well. I am constantly trying to cope with the grief and fear of living in a horrible world. A world where the more kind, innocent, and decent you are, the more likely you are to be taken advantage of or abused by someone who is not. Dog eat dog, if you will. I bring this up because I have made the decision to absolutely never have a child because I love my child enough to NOT bring it into a world such as this one. Think of the 80+ years of confusion, pain, unfulfilled dreams, loss of love, disillusionment, depression, and angst you are saving your child. I consider this to be my gift to my potential children is to vow never to subject them to the unfair, jaded, and dysfunctional world we all must inhabit together. I have never had an abortion. However, if I were to find out that I was pregnant, I would not think twice before ending the pregnancy. There are too many people in this world already and most if not all of our problems as a human race stem from the competition for limited resources amongst people who do not play fair but rather will do whatever it takes to come out on top. I always say, I love my kids enough not to bring them into this world. I love children and it makes me sad. But I would never be able to justify their lifetime of pain for my own selfish satisfaction of having a little person bring sunshine into my own miserable existence. Why should they suffer so I can be happy? Those of you who have had abortions can at least take solace in knowing how much pain you have spared your unborn child. I know this is a hard reality to accept, but I believe it is the truth. Honestly ask yourself.... do you know anyone who is truly happy? Does that person feel the pain of the rest of the human race? If not, perhaps they can convince themselves that they are happy. But if they do, then I see no way to be truly happy whilst watching our brothers and sisters suffer all over the world and even in our own backyards. Just food for thought so you can see the other side of the situation. I truly wish all of you the best and wish you inner peace, if such a thing is possible.
im scheduled for one soon, i hope youre doing ok...im with a guy i love i dont have any kids but i want one really bad and even if he doesnt i still love him...hes a nice guy and i value our relationship... i dont know how i'm going to feel after but i think you should do what feels right in your own heart. my dads reaction to that was well you know, if you get in a car accident it is your fault but it doesnt mean its what you wanted, and it shouldnt stop you from buying a new car later (i know that a baby is much bigger deal than a car, but the imagery is pretty true i find) i do feel guilty to do this, and it makes me sad to see moms with their babies strolling in parks and everything...but you should do what YOU as a person feels comfortable with...dont do it for others, do it for yourself, i used to think i was pro-choice, but when youre the one facing that situation its so much more different i still know to me the right thing is abortion, but i know if sometimes it isnt...hope you made the right decision for you an i wih you all the best