I've been going out with a bipolar girl with schizoaffective disorder for two years. At the start of our relationship she called it off because she thought it was too much 'pressure'.
I realised she didn't have her bipolar under control and after she agreed to see a new doctor and subsequently a new psychiatrist - she became much better - all with good results and on new meds. Sunsequently we fell back into a great and loving relationship.
As I'm sure you know too well - there was still some rapid-cycling times when she was not 'right' as such and sometimes - as she put it - her brain 'wasn't right'. During this period she would start to question many things in her life - sometimes including me - however I always offered her reassurance and continued to care and love her.
Over the past couple of weeks things have spiralled down slightly. She suddenly wanted some reassurances from me regarding what we want for the future - inparticular moving in together, getting married and having kids. I told her that 'yes' - these are still all on the cards (a lot of these emotions were triggered by her going to a girlfriend's wedding, having her 38th birthday and her grandmother becoming ill - all quite understandable).
When talking to her about all of these though - I could see she was having trouble processing it all. She kept shaking her head, telling me she wished her 'head would stop', that she 'hates this feeling' and then sleeping excessively afterwards. Her home was also a complete mess which I know by now - is not a good sign...
Two days later - more questions regarding the above - again I reassured her where we both stood. And at work the next day she told me she wasn't good again - I asked if she had seen her psychiatrist lately - and she said 'no - it's been about six months!!' I asked her to book in - which she later told me she didn't...
That night she didn't want me to come over and when she got home from work she just slept right through to the next day.
The next night I went and saw her and again - she was excessively tired and not good at all. She was glassy eyed, dissociating and she was even showing me the scars on her wrist where she had once tried to commit suicide 10 years ago - although she told me she'd never do that again.
Again - she was banging her head - and shaking it - saying she 'had all these thoughts trying to get to the front'.
She went to bed and I had no contact with her until she texted me saying she didn't want to see me that morning - but wanted to talk later in the day. She said she hadn't been to sleep - went for a walk around 2am and then drove a considerable distance because she 'needed to think'. She was clearly in some kind of 'psychotic episode' or 'mania' but refused to go to hospital or see anyone.
When I met her later she told me she thought we needed a break - and that she 'needed space'. She also said she loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me anymore. She's also continually bringing up that I don't love her or find her attractive anymore etc.
We discussed all this calmly but she said she 'wished her head would stop'.
I asked her to please see her psychiatrist again.
I have given her the space she asked for and haven't contacted her for 5 days. I believe she is OK - but she is very good at putting a 'mask' on.
This was a girl who I saw and spoke to every day - and now - nothing.
Any thoughts on what is going on? Am I handling this the right way?
Thanks for any kind help - I 'd really appreciate it.
Regards Scott
As far as I knew she was still on her medication - because she seemed quite surprised herself when this all started to come on - doesn't mean people can't lie - I know.
She did reveal though that she hadn't seen her psychiatrist in 6 months! NOT good.
Is there also the possibility that her body / mind got used to the medication she was on? Apart from the occaisonal blip - she was so good there for a while.
By the way - the whole 'pushing away / requiring space' thing - why do sufferers cut off those closest to them - the ones who can 'try' to help them the most (sorry - I know it's that eternal question!)
Thanks Scott
I finally got on to my girlfriend today and she seemed slightly hostile. When I brought up her BP - she wasn't happy at all. In fact she initially said she didn't think it played a part in our 'break' and that her 'episode' wasn't that serious!! (even though she was talking suicide...)
She still hasn't seen her psych or had her meds checked. Then tonight she sent me an email - basically accusing me of trying to blame the whole break on her and her BP!'
I honestly cant do anymore at this stage - is there any chance she is still in some kind of 'cycle' if she hasn't seen her pdoc - she's got a lot of anger and resentment all of a sudden.
What the hell do I do? I'm the bad guy now! Scott
I have ALWAYS studied people, I can tell if someone is lying, being fake, even going to flick their hair or are in love! That's the one thing that I KNOW! People slide into slots or molds! Thus the reason for the show The Office being so popular - people see a person they know in those characters!
This is what I see with this lady! Even though she is mentally ill! It's NOT a total given that this is what is happening right now! People with SEVERE mental illness's usually don't have the "mind" to write cohesive emails and "make sense" most - when they are suffering - will be rambling, going back and forth - creating havoc! She isn't ALL over the place, she stated something to you THEN reiterated it in an email! That is NOT someone in a psychosis state! That is someone that "KNOWS" what she is doing! :-( Thus her reaction and anger to you blaming it on her BP! Also BP episodes do NOT last this long! So it's time to put the jigsaw of your life back together honey and walk away! She has evaded you, blamed you and dissed you! You CANT handle this when it continues! So just know it's NOT you, she is in a weird place and probably VERY angry about something or a lot of things1 Which you aren't part of! BUT you WILL be blamed for! I hope you understand what I'm saying Scott!?
[I know this was 3 years ago, but for anyone in a similar boat: ]
As someone who suffers from Manic Depressive Disorder (Though a much milder form, I'm not medicated, though sometimes I probably should be), I cannot promise that anything you do will prove to be at all effective, and you may lose this girl. The thing about us is that only we can choose what we do. That feeling of wanting something, but not being able to stop the buzzing thoughts of "I can't","I'm not good enough", "it won't work", "what if I hurt him" truly IS the most horrible feeling in the world. If she cares for you (and if she wants the thoughts to stop (and says it to you like that), if she's trying that hard, she almost surely does) she is probably pushing you away in an attempt to save you from her crazy. And honestly, if you have a brain in your head, or you aren't CERTAIN about this girl, let her. We are an emotional rollarcoaster that is terrifying and more than anything, painful. It's not a ride that you want to sign up for.
All of that being said, if you want this girl and no one else will do for you, and you can handle hysteric crying in the middle of the night for no reason? We aren't incapable of love. Not by a long shot. The best thing you can do is to always be there. Don't smother her, but once a day, text her or call her or send her a little note about how you feel about her, or how you miss her, or how you want her to be happy. If she cares, she will eventually reach out. The most important thing you can tell her is that you're willing to accept her crazy, as long as you can have her, too.
Now, maybe I'm wrong. But I've done everything you've described. As soon as I cared about a person (lover, friend, or family member) , I wanted them so bad it hurt, so bad that sometimes I'd accept their affections, or confess my own, and wish and hope and pray that it would be okay. But then something would set me off, my own emotional plunge, and I'd "realize" that no one would truly accept my crazy, no one wants that, no one DESERVES to be treated like that, because I can look at people I "love" in pain, and hurting, and not care, sometimes.
Does it work? Well, I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and I'm batshit crazy sometimes, and sometimes I scream at him for no apparent reason, sometimes I hate myself to a suicidal degree, sometimes I think that he hates me and no one likes me and I'm worthless, sometimes I stay awake for three or four days because I'm "on top of the world" and "can do anything", sometimes I sleep all day instead of talk to him, even when I said I would, sometimes I STILL, to this day, try to push him away for "his own good". But it gets easier. It gets less frequent. When even in my worst crazes, I won't tell him I don't love him, because no part of me believes that it is true. Every time I freak out, he just talks to me as calmly as he can, until I wear myself out (sometimes over days, at least over several hours), and he can finally hold me again and tell me how much he loves me, and I'm worth it, and I'm smart and beautiful over and over again until I can finally breathe. It's hard. Sometimes, after he builds me back up, he cries and I have to reassure him that I didn't mean it, that I love him and everything is total hell for a 10-hour night. I hurt him more than anyone else ever has or will, because he trusts me irrevocably, and I know everything about him.
Is it worth it? Well.. I couldn't do it. But it's not like I'm not grateful either. What he wanted, what he says every day is worth it, he has: Me. He has gained every single piece of me. I am completely loyal to him, even in my worst of frenzies, or my lowest of moods. Every day I think of him, from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. His touch puts me at ease, and his smile can make me smile no matter how pissy I feel. I can honestly say that I have no doubt that I will spend my entire life with him, my best friend, and my only true love. Every day, I love him for who he is, how he feels, and everything that he does for me. I could never, will never, and have never loved another person. So, that is worth it to him. But it's a question that you must ask yourself.
Sorry for the soapbox.. this is just something that I understand. Something that I hope to help others understand.