I just started having sex with my boyfriend and for some reason he can't get hard. I try not to say anything about it because I don't want to embaress him, but frankly, I'm the one who's embarressed. I ask him what's wrong and he says nothing. He comes up with weird reasons like "I think you worked me out", or "You're like my kryptonite". What's with him? Is he nervous? Scared?
All it takes is to be nervous once. The fear and anticipation of it happening again MAKES it happen again. This sort of thing can ruin a relationship. Guy feels terrible about it, but doesnt know whats going on and feels he has to make excuses. Girl thinks its her fault etc etc.
This is most likely a mental barrier. The good new is that there are some things you can do to fix it.
In order for most men to maintain an erection, they must feel confident, and comfortable with whats going on. If you dress up in some nice outfit to turn him on, it may have the opposite effect because he becomes even more worried about disappointing you. When he's worried, his mind is not on the right task, his sympathetic nervous system goes into effect and the erection is gone.
Let him take the lead for a bit. When hes in the mood, he'll let you know one way or another and get to it. After a few successful times, his confidence will return and things can get back on track. Try not to take it as an insult even though it may feel that way. If he didn't care, didn't like you, or didnt find you attractive, he wouldn't be acting strange and making excuses. He does that because he cares what you think. It may take some time and effort , but most things worth doing require it.
This is most likely a mental barrier. The good new is that there are some things you can do to fix it.
In order for most men to maintain an erection, they must feel confident, and comfortable with whats going on. If you dress up in some nice outfit to turn him on, it may have the opposite effect because he becomes even more worried about disappointing you. When he's worried, his mind is not on the right task, his sympathetic nervous system goes into effect and the erection is gone.
Let him take the lead for a bit. When hes in the mood, he'll let you know one way or another and get to it. After a few successful times, his confidence will return and things can get back on track. Try not to take it as an insult even though it may feel that way. If he didn't care, didn't like you, or didnt find you attractive, he wouldn't be acting strange and making excuses. He does that because he cares what you think. It may take some time and effort , but most things worth doing require it.
He's obviously picking up on your anxiety. You both need to relax. Don't try to force anything to happen. Get naked, relax, play with each other, get crazy. Why does everybody act like everything has to proceed according to some cosmic schedule???
Here's an idea: put on a strip show for him. Tease him. Let him take off his clothes when he's ready, and if he's standing at attention, you'd better greet him like a long-lost friend. ;-)
Here's an idea: put on a strip show for him. Tease him. Let him take off his clothes when he's ready, and if he's standing at attention, you'd better greet him like a long-lost friend. ;-)
I can see you're worried. His answers sound like he's trying to put it over into YOU - which can make you feel bad too.
Tell him you wanna try some things - even this can make him feel weird (he wants to be "normal", just like everyone would!). But you can ask him what feels best - him on top, you on top, oral, hand work, you still mostly dressed (try this one!) him still mostly dressed.
You can also tell him to think about reverse psychology and play that you don't want it so much. Make it a game - tell him "See if you can talk ME into it..." and see if that puts him into a feeling of power and control - his body may respond.
(It would be good to know if he DOES get erections other times - fantasy or masturbation? Or even with you, but just not "at the moment"?)
Tell him you wanna try some things - even this can make him feel weird (he wants to be "normal", just like everyone would!). But you can ask him what feels best - him on top, you on top, oral, hand work, you still mostly dressed (try this one!) him still mostly dressed.
You can also tell him to think about reverse psychology and play that you don't want it so much. Make it a game - tell him "See if you can talk ME into it..." and see if that puts him into a feeling of power and control - his body may respond.
(It would be good to know if he DOES get erections other times - fantasy or masturbation? Or even with you, but just not "at the moment"?)
I'm in a similar situation, it's just nerves i think, and as was mentioned earlier, the thought of it happening again makes it worse, i'm going to try and make it so i;m the initiating it when i know he's up for it, i think with him sometimes it's because he's worried he's pushing me into it and that puts him off.
Try not to let it get to you, it's probably affecting him much worse, just don't rush it, at the end of the day a relationship shouldn't revolve around sex, and you can get please in many other ways ;p
Try not to let it get to you, it's probably affecting him much worse, just don't rush it, at the end of the day a relationship shouldn't revolve around sex, and you can get please in many other ways ;p
This may be a case of Performance Anxiety.The next time both of you meet try to cool him down and dont think too much about performance.Have lots of foreplay.
Honestly if he cant EVER get it up for you he is more than likely getting it up for someone else. You should call cheaters. Im telling you unless he has a serious medical problem, he is ***edited by moderator*** ** inappropriate posting** around behind your back. Just keeping it real.
That last post was reeeeeeally idiotic. Loads of guys have this problem and it's nothing to do with cheating! Don't just accuse someone of cheating when you don't know the full story.
Anyway. As the others said, he's probably nervous or shy and probably worried it will happen the next time. So instead of keeping quiet, just tell him it's okay and you don't mind, and he'll feel more relaxed. It can often happen by thinking about it too much. He just needs to calm down, let things happen, and as long as he knows you're still happy with him and you have the patience to keep trying, he'll end up being fine. Good luck!
Anyway. As the others said, he's probably nervous or shy and probably worried it will happen the next time. So instead of keeping quiet, just tell him it's okay and you don't mind, and he'll feel more relaxed. It can often happen by thinking about it too much. He just needs to calm down, let things happen, and as long as he knows you're still happy with him and you have the patience to keep trying, he'll end up being fine. Good luck!
basically this is totally down to anxiety. it cant be anything else. I am currently 18 and lost my virginity when i was 15. Between the ages of 15 and 17 I was in a long term relationship. This happened to me only ONCE the first time. I found that there were a few things that made it difficult for me. These are the problems i had and how i solved them over the course of my relationship:
The daylight:
Having daylight enter the room makes it more awkward for no reason, even in the middle of the day if you have blinds or curtains... CLOSE THEM. I need explain no more.
The temperature: Having a cold room and thus a cold body makes your blood pressure slow and completely turns you off weather you realise it or not.
The 'home alone factor': Being at home alone and thus able to do it whenever you want increases pressure so try not to force it. I lost my virginity in the room next to 5 members of my family, and it made it easier. suprisingly.
Anyway, needless to say when i was comfortable with this girl everything was fine. i could get hard in seconds whenever i needed to, this is relevant to my current problem.
I broke up with this girl 1 month ago and have been seeing a newer EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE girl since. 2 nights ago whilst 'dry humping' she whispers in my ear lets just do it. I was hard at this point. Then suddenly for no reason as soon as my pants were off i lost it. THIS IS VERY WORRYING. she comes to my house again this saturday and i am bricking it!
shes been great about it, she laughs it off and im sure it'll be fine the second time.
If i were to give anyone any advice it would be what im telling myself from my first experience. remember P.A.R.T
PLENTY OF FORPLAY,
AND STIMULATION,
RELAX.
TEMPERATURE.
The daylight:
Having daylight enter the room makes it more awkward for no reason, even in the middle of the day if you have blinds or curtains... CLOSE THEM. I need explain no more.
The temperature: Having a cold room and thus a cold body makes your blood pressure slow and completely turns you off weather you realise it or not.
The 'home alone factor': Being at home alone and thus able to do it whenever you want increases pressure so try not to force it. I lost my virginity in the room next to 5 members of my family, and it made it easier. suprisingly.
Anyway, needless to say when i was comfortable with this girl everything was fine. i could get hard in seconds whenever i needed to, this is relevant to my current problem.
I broke up with this girl 1 month ago and have been seeing a newer EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE girl since. 2 nights ago whilst 'dry humping' she whispers in my ear lets just do it. I was hard at this point. Then suddenly for no reason as soon as my pants were off i lost it. THIS IS VERY WORRYING. she comes to my house again this saturday and i am bricking it!
shes been great about it, she laughs it off and im sure it'll be fine the second time.
If i were to give anyone any advice it would be what im telling myself from my first experience. remember P.A.R.T
PLENTY OF FORPLAY,
AND STIMULATION,
RELAX.
TEMPERATURE.
I have the same problem with my boyfreind and I feel so c**p all the time and I feel so unatrctive because of it,
I cant cope so think we may split up over it .
I cant cope so think we may split up over it .
try lots of foreplay, if he has trouble maybe start off with oral and get him hard that way. if he still cant get hard tell him to close his eyes while naked, rub his penis around your anus and if he get hard ask him if he wants to continue on or if he wants a man
Try taking a shower with him in a nicely lit bathroom (i.e. light a coupe candles with the lights off). Dont' make it sexual in the beginning, wash his hair or scrub his back or something. Then use the soap to wash him and watch what happens when your hands start doing the work :-)
I agree with the temperature and comfort stuff mentioned above. This should take care of two of the issues in one experience!
The good news is, once you "click" the lightswitch and he can get an erection, you shouldnt' have the problem any longer. From my own personal experience, the first time is always the most difficult, so dont' give up on him! It's totally natural.
I agree with the temperature and comfort stuff mentioned above. This should take care of two of the issues in one experience!
The good news is, once you "click" the lightswitch and he can get an erection, you shouldnt' have the problem any longer. From my own personal experience, the first time is always the most difficult, so dont' give up on him! It's totally natural.
The most exhausting thing i have ever done is try to satisfy a man with these issues. Hours and hours and sometimes it would work, but sometimes it wouldnt. its very hard not to take it personally, especially if they are defensive and try to make it seem as if u arent doing something right. i wouldnt have gotten involved with the man had i known what i know today. there is no way i would ever do it again either. we are a step away from splitting again. it seemed too shallow of a reason to leave over, but its not working anyway. do i love him. i thought i did. i think i do. not like i used to. good luck with all of your situations.
don't give up. maybe the guy is nervous, tensed or stressed, maybe something is bothering him and he can't focus. he needs to relax ***edited by moderator*** web addresses not allowed
my boyfriend and i are both virgins at the start of our relationship everything was fine, he got hard just from kissing me and we had oral sex now and again and even tried dry humping. We where about to have sex for our first time but things got a bit awkward with the condom by the time we got everything sorted he wasn't aroused anymore. I shrugged it off of course and we tried again he held up a soggy used condom each time to tell me it had fallen off... we had only brought two to mine.. so we where... FOOKED. Anyway after that we where kissing and he was solid and then we started dry humping for a while and i asked him if he wanted to do it.. he hesitated a for a few long seconds then said are you ready? i nodded with a little smile and he smiled back he rolled over then said hes starting to go floppy i used my hand and he went hard but when i asked him if hes ready he seemed to slowly get softer and he just wouldn't go hard. He assured me that hes ready he was really angry and frustrated with himself and he i told him we don't have to have sex, better to wait till im on the pill anyway since then things have gone from bad to worse he doesn't even like to be touched down there he pushes my hand away saying no point in trying and says "I'm hopeless" and other horrible things i held him and told him to shut up and stop saying that because i love him and im not bothered about sex and he just needs to relax hes worrying about it all too much. He doesn't even want to try anymore its so frustrating i tell him "i cant miss what i haven't had" and stuff when he says hes sorry because i wanted sex and stuff. i try my best to tell him it doesn't matter but... we cant even do other stuff to pleasure him now because he is so worried he wont get hard. I made it worse because i thought i was the problem with all the lies and excuses he made each time i thought he wasn't sexually attracted to me and i was a complete turn off or something.. but he was aroused by other things in the past i try my best to pretend its not a problem but its so much worse if we cant even have foreplay! will someone give me some advice please?