I'm a 24 year old girl and have never had a relationship. It's pretty sad, but it's never really bothered me much as I went to an all girls school for several years of my life and when I started uni etc, I never met anyone I really wanted to be with. There were a few guys I liked the look of at uni actually, but I never really did anything about them and that chapter of my life finished.
I've had guy attention before. I've flirted with guys, been asked out etc. But have still never been in a proper relationship with a guy. It's never been a big deal to me! I guess I've always been pretty happy being single etc. It's only in the past few years that I've started to think 'hmm I'd quite like to have a boyfriend now', but even still, I don't actively go searching for one.
So yes, in case it's not clear, I'm also a virgin. I've not slept with any guys yet.
My question is... Is it possible to know whether you're straight/gay without having ever had any relationships with any gender?
I grew up loving boybands and having photos of 'hot' guy actors/singers on my walls like most teenage girls do. It wasn't because I felt the need to do it, either. I genuinely was obssessed with boybands (still kind of am haha!) and I've always found it easy to look at guys and think they're good-looking.
However, I never wanted to kiss/have sex etc with these boyband members when I was a teenager. I remember reading in magazines about girls my age having dreams at night of getting married to their favourite boyband members or of kissing them etc. And I never had any such dreams! I sometimes day-dreamed about what it would be like to go on a date with them etc, but never more than that.
Now that I'm older, and 'masturbation' is a thing... I pretty much only ever do it to shirtless/naked GUYS. That's what 'turns me on' I guess. I like a nice chest/pecs on guys though!
HOWEVER.
Growing up and even now, I've daydreamed a lot about being 'close' to certain celebrity girls/friends/female teachers/etc in my life. I used to have 'girl crushes' on a few of my female teachers growing up... This was never a 'physical attraction', more like a longing to be close to them... Best friends maybe. Hug them. Even cuddle. But never kiss or have sex with.
I've recently met a girl (who is a great friend of mine) and I've found myself obsessed with her. I enjoy hugging her a lot and I think about her every day (I don't see her that often now). So it's got me thinking...
Is it possible to be physically attracted to guys, but emotionally to girls? And if so, what do you do? I'm pretty sure I'm straight as I've never had the desire to have sex with any females... but then, because I've never had sex full stop, I don't know if I'd actually enjoy it with a guy either... Maybe I'm just not a very sexual person? I find it a lot easier to talk to girls normally and have akways done so since I was young. I tend to get nervous around guys... again, making me think that I'm straight.
But I often long for a very close relationship with a female/friend. Could it be because I just have a high expectation of a close friendship in my head and really want one? I have a few best friends but maybe I'm not as close to them as I want to be?
I don't know. Basically I'm a bit confused. I've always thought of myself as 'straight', but I've been having small 'doubts' recently due to the feelings I've felt for certain girls. Feelings of intense non-sexual love. I'd appreciate any input/advice.
I'm 26 and still a virgin, but contrary to popular belief, it is not my choice if I could help it. The way I look at it is, that I've been shown the wrong map to love, and girls either had a boyfriend, lived somewhere else, or weren't kind/interested. It's always been my greatest insecurity, but I can't stress enough to anyone that probably the best way to search is not to search. The reason why I say this is that doing all the things you do/love best make you happier, and be yourself; makes you more attractive. I mean, I'm still not an expert, but I still like to believe, in my naivity, that a decent kind of love still exists without the use of Tindr or shallow meet-ups. It's twice as difficult yes, and twice as hard, but maybe just facing the music will make me feel better/rewarded, and keep on making friends, at college, in the city, societies, etc. Society would view me as a failure, but only when I let the media and dumb/unknowing minds influence me. As if I chose to be a virgin (!?) Quite a high number of people over 20 are still UNINTENTIONAL virgins.
People have no right to an opinion. Nobody has the right to an opinion. Only an informed one. And these are my feelings, not to be traded with.
(Or maybe I don't want to make a girl pregnant,
and society views that as a flaw too; common sense, right?)
All replies are welcome, genuine or negative alike. I have it bookmarked; I'll keep an eye on it.
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Or just read it.
There's no right or wrong.
Just the wrong map.
Love,
Anon Poet.