Daughter/Father Relationship (Emotional Incest)

I am myself in the situation of the family you mentioned. I try to do whatever I can do for my wife, but the fact is that in this situation she does not have any portion of winning from her perspective. But by the other side, why will be I be tortured because my wife is close to our son?This is not the kind of closeness that you expect in an emotionally healthy family?

I hope you're doing well.  As I was searching on how to cope with this emtional incest stuff myself, I came across your post.  Wow!  I can so relate to what you stated here.  My youngest daughter and husband have been buddy buddy for years.  Starting when she was in the 8th grade.  Now, I'm 47, and was hoping to get my husband back after she left for school.  She was there a month, and told us she was pregnant.  Long story short, she's back with us, and I don't really see an end.  She even mentioned, he now has the son I couldn't give him.  Ugh, I work a lot, dread going home at times, but try and enjoy the moments I can.  I love my grandson, beyond words, by it's tough.  I feel like I'm being bullied out of my own house, and the life I worked so hard to create. 

This is exactly how I feel!!! Did you come to any resolution? I'm exhausted by it all

Emotional incest...is something, I learned about, thru a rude awakening! I got serious with a guy, that had a odd relationship, with his kid ... I couldn't put my finger on it, exactly, but I knew something was definitely wrong!! What man would change his plans with his girlfriend, time & time again, to do & go where his kid want them to go? Or even change vacation plans with his girl, so that the whole trip was retorted , to meet his grown kid demands? Or he would share intimate things about him & his girlfriend, with his kid? Worst yet, y would a man demand that his girlfriend, call his daughter to explain, when & y they had a fight, & what the girlfriend would change about herself, so not to contribute to further fights!? What normal man would cower & shake when his grown kid have a fight with him? & his whole demeanor, attitude, & mood would change to, one of a man that had a lover's quarrel?! What healthy man treat his grown kid like his lover or spouse , in every emotional & relational aspect, except sexual intercourse? Or who spent as much time on the phone with his grown kid , as he would a lover? & want to be with his grown kid most of his waking hrs.... These r only a few weird habits of an emotionally incested father daughter relationship ... If u notice this kind of enmeshment with ur man & his daughter, leave the relationship....because u will never have ur rightful place in his heart, he already have a spouse, in every emotional & relational sence of the word! U r only his rubber doll, 4 the purpose of sex!!! As for birth moms who notice ur husband is emotionally incested , with his & ur daughter.... I would say seek counsel! This is just going to get worst, & it goes on for generations! Emotional incested fathers, r extremely emotionally needy, clingy, & weak & robs his child of her childhood, having her meet his emotional needs! Often he is so needy , he often may,manipulates his way, into his daughter's intimate relationships.... Always wanting & offering to help do whatever the new couple need to get done. His goal is to make himself indispensable, to the new couple.... In every way! Often he follows the emotionally incested behaviour with his daughter's partner as he's done with his daughter & this further continues with her offsprings! He remains emotionally clingy & needy, & most often will not want a true romantic relationship, other than a sex partner ! While b4 his incested kid was his whole world, Now he makes her new form relationship, his extended world! This is very unhealthy, but is often interrupted by those involved as " we r very close & we do everything together." There r no healthy boundaries , they all r co - dependent & enmeshed with each other! Emotional incest is worst than sexual incest, for the simple fact, that most children never realize they r emotionally incested, therefore it's circle expand & continues for generations! While with sexual incest, the child become of age & realize something is abnormal, & often seek outside help!!!

I Need help I live with my boyfriend and his 24 year old daughter moved in with us from college and her boyfriend I am angry and jealous that my boyfriend and daughter are too close emotional incest is definitely going on she does not leave him alone a constant texting calling if she goes to work 3 days out of week 4 hours she won't work full time because she feels she will not spend time with her father he is 53 .I feel like the mistress she goes everywhere where he is at I don't speak to her. I have told him I never seen anything like this .it's disgusting .she dresses to sexy when her boyfriend is not here and when he us she is in sweats .she constantly tells him she loves him and leaves him notes saying she loves him .sometimes I think they are sexual ,but I need to actually find out . I Need to leave but financially I can't .we have numerous fights almost everyday. Don't know what to do if I tell him is emotional incest he will throw me out. What and how can I get him to see what he is doing. Please help!

I honestly can't say much but I do not approve of a grown man rather a father or not being so close to his daughters after the age of 18
If they are that close then he just needs to stay living a single life and leave any one woman alone ..I have a dad and some of the things father's do with daughters are not normal at all say what you want it's morally wrong ..me being the age I am there is no excuse for a man to be that close to his daughters at the young age of 12 or 13 is when I realized I'm not Dadys lil girl anymore and my dad can only teach me what I want in a man a hard worker that pervades for his family and that's the kind of man I will look for when I get old enough divorced or not a dad must let his daughters live their life with the male figure in their life a boyfriend or their husband..because after a while a woman starts to realize why does a dad keep his daughters so close after a divorce way after the due date beyond 18 or 21 and above? Hum is it because the daughter resembles the mom in some way that attracted her to him in a way?makes me think ...so after a man is divorced I think if he's that close to his daughters he does not need to be in a relationship with a woman who devotes her time in him only to be the last on his priority list..sorry ..that is morally wrong..my opinion..j.s.

I went through this for 4 years with my now 53 year old ex-boyfriend. His daughter was 16 when we met and they had a love/hate relationship that was crazy. She didn't live with him, but had an unusual influence over him. If we went out and she called and wanted something, we had to leave to get her what she needed. If we were at his house and she showed up he'd tell me to leave. If she said she might stop by I couldn't come over just in case she showed up. I couldn't participate in family activities because they were 'special' and he didn't want to change traditions. If she told him she didn't want me to come to one of his family get togethers, he would tell me I wasn't invited. She would text or call at 7am on weekends just to wake us up and mess up our morning. She would show up at 8am on weekends, charge upstairs into his bedroom, yelling 'get up, I want to do something', and he would tell me I had to leave so he could spend the day with his daughter, even if we had plans already. If we were together and she called and I would say - don't answer or tell her no, he would have an anxiety attack and start an argument with me because he just couldn't tell her 'no'. If we were all together I ceased to exist. He followed her with his eyes like she was his lover. They would walk ahead of me and leave me trailing. He would offer her a seat and leave me standing. If we were at a get together he refused to leave until she left so he could spend every last second with her. She would text him that I was a b***h, a gold digger, 'that woman' and he would never stand up for me or tell her to stop it. He wouldn't even shut his phone off during sex because he was afraid he'd miss a call or text from her, she might 'need' him. He actually answered his phone more then once during sex. I finally went to counseling and that 's where I learned they were enmeshed. After one breakup I got him to go to a couples counselor with me and after explaining some our problems, the therapist asked him if he was willing to try to change his behavior and he said 'no', he liked things how they were and I just had to accept it. Well, I didn't accept it and I broke up with him. She's 21 now, she went to a local college 13 miles away so that she could continue to see him frequently. Even though she's in college, joined a sorority and has a bf she lives with, she still comes over to his house every weekend and calls and text multiple times a day. 4 years of struggling to understand his behavior and feeling like the mistress or the 3rd wheel, I finally realized that it was hopeless and that she was always going to be his first love and that he didn't have room in his life emotionally for an actual girlfriend. I think men in this situation don't want to see or admit what it is they are doing because it is too hard to face and would be shameful to them. I told my bf more then once that they were enmeshed and that he was damaging his daughter and he needed to put appropriate boundaries in place for her sake and for the sake of our relationship, but he just blamed me and said I was being needy. At first I second guessed myself, but as I read more and went to therapy myself, I realized I wasn't crazy or needy, that he in fact did have a real problem with his daughter. I begged him to get therapy but he refused, so I finally just had to leave him. The more I've educated myself, I really don't think this is a fixable situation for most people. If you find yourself in a relationship like this it's probably just best to move on if you can and get therapy to repair your self esteem. It's not you, it's them.

You should watch that movie failure to launch. Down size and give him fair warning you are all moving and there will be no room in the new house for him. You are not helping him ...

I DID see it and I was disappointed at the end ---- HE WON/they lost.

I am going through a similar situation. I am also alone. I can't talk to my family because they just tell me to leave. My step-daughter constantly calls or texts her dad all day long. The texts are usually I miss, I love you Daddy, or there plans for the future or what hair style she wants or what tattoo. My husband calls her baby girl. I left for a weekend two different times and both times came home early and found her sleeping in our bed, fully clothed, but still inappropriate... She was 19 and 20. They do everything together. She hardly has any friends. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't even have to do things for my husband... Like rubbing his back or make coffee... Because he has her trained to do it. Its emotionally draining and they make me feel like my feelings are wrong. Or that I am a terrible person for wanting her to move out and live her life. I am glad to know that I am not alone.

So I have come to realize that I was a parentified child, who was the surrogate spouse for my mom's ex husband and the man she chose to marry when I was about two. While I was young he basically ignored me and I rarely saw him. When I was about 10 he decided that I needed to do chores and presented this by flying into a rage about the dishes being dirty and how come I didn't do them when I was never asked to in the first place. He's a Narcissist of the overt type and my mom is covert narcissistic. So when I was in my teens he started getting controlling, wouldn't let me go on school trips or anywhere with people he didn't personally know or trust. Mom had to lie to him so I could get out of the house and have a life. Luckily his job took him away a lot so that was awesome freedom for me. Best days were those he wasn't there. Or the first few days he got back until he got into old habits and things went back to unstable and uncomfortable. I should have gone live with a foster family looking back now, but maybe I wasn't strong enough, or I had already accepted the role of caretaker, surrogate spouse and emotional dumping ground. He started seeing me as the golden child when I was nearly 20, and started modeling . I finished university and was working too. He started looking at me in a way I could describe as " yuk" grossed out, old pervert. I probably brushed it off. Nevertheless it made me feel really uncomfortable . I remember him being obsessed with me, asking me to accompany him everywhere help him with everything and be by his side most of the time. He was probably trying to show off with me, to get people to think that I'm his girlfriend. And a lot of people actually thought we were a couple. It was kinda fun at the time, but I didn't realize how destructive emotionally. I never got my parenting needs met nor any affection and help. It was almost always about his needs. The Big baby was him and I was also a surrogate mommy to him. I remember feeding him once while he was driving and throwing a temper tantrum , so the food calmed him down like it would a baby. he yelled about having to drive me, and was probably upset about helping me for once. I fed him some dessert and he shut up and was so sweet . Wow . I played his game but it was exhausting , and I missed out on my childhood which sucks. I was there for him and he used me for his own needs, selfish bas@&$%. it was the only parent who was giving me attention , now I think I prefer no contact rather than toxic relationship. I was possessive of him for a while and wondered how he'd take care of himself without me. He attempted suicide twice. Once I was there so I helped save him. Then I cut contact. If his second suicide attempt was desperate manipulation to get my attention it didn't work. His new wife can deal with him. I 've gone no contact for five years now. And I never want to see him again. He can lean on someone else now , find a new mommy. I was honored to be treated like a superior by him, but it set me up for developing narcissistic tendencies. Not to mention disrespecting people I don't trust and discarding others like objects when they don't perform to my tunes. I'm happy to be out of denial and working on myself. I feel sad that I accepted to play the adult , that I didn't break contact sooner. I remember I had a boyfriend and he didn't need me to coddle him and help him out all the time , nor be at his beck and call like a personal assistant. It felt like a relief like a vacation . This man can do his sh@# by himself, he doesn't need a babysitter, my God that was heaven. That was the father I needed. The other one would fly into a rage when I didn't help him asap. Thank God I'm free of that pest. I forgave him and I'm forgiving myself for having accepted that twisted relationship .

Omg !! I felt so alone in this! I'm sorry for your pain. I too have been suffering the exact same pain. The only way I knew how to deal with it was drinking. I'm now in recovery for about 7 months now and live alone. Separated after 20 years and our daughter is 19. They live together now and are probably happy with out me and that hurts but after reading your story it's probably for the best because I guess it doesn't get better. God bless and thanks for sharing

Sounds like a case of daddys little girl and he's spoling her too much, it's a common thing with dads to be honest... my dad does the same like here's an example: I get money for my birthday or xmas, i get £30 for my birthday and like £50 for xmas (sheesh), then sometimes i might tag along with him to shopping if he's going to get something (no biggie), but then i pick out the things i wanna buy then he pays for  the stuff with his stuff and i said id give him the money from my birthday/xmas money before we even left, but then he's trying to back out and spoil me saying "nah... nah... forget it, i'll pay for it" LOL, then how am i meant to spend it? it was given to me to spend so i wanna spend it ughh... so i just take it out and hand it him when i get home LOL. He's just WAY too soft... and when i've been out with him in town other times he's really shy about asking workers in the shops, he leaves it and wastes time then tries  to get us  to not ask... when there is nothing wrong with asking... lol, it's ridiculous. I'm your case though it's a lot worse and your husband is being FAR too soft wth your daughter, i mean sure... it's fine if she tags along every now but i feel like it's half and half your husband and your daughter, your daughter doesn't clear a clear view of boundaries but your husband seems to love spoiling your daughter. With you though it's not nice to get jealous of your own daughter ether and treat it as such a way that you want to completely 100% shun her out, neglect her and not have her around at all... you NEED to find a better way to communicate your feelings, i think  the first step is having a one on one conversation with your daughter about her life but NOT in a condescending way, don't get all on her about everything, just kindly sit her down and ask her if everything is okay, is she happy, is she having problems with things and that maybe you could find a solution together, you the have to talk to your husband (again not in a condescending way), and explain how you want time together alone away from the kids because you value your marriage but spoling your daughter and not encouraging her to do other things isn't helping her, and that you know he loves spoiling her but it's  time for her to start experiencing things out in the world on her own.

This is my reality after over 3.5 years of dating. Trying to educate myself but still unbelievable that a grown educated man doesn't see it! Thank you so much for putting this out here for me to find and read!

I was in this same situation. His daughter ruined our relationship and he is the cause of it. It's very creepy seeing a father treat a teen daughter like his girlfriend and look to his teen daughter for his emotional partner.