Hard abortion decision

so i am a 22 year old girl, i have been with my fiancee for five years, we worked together at a good job most of our relationship had a nice place to live and money to take care of ourselves, thing took a turn for the worst this year..the company shut down and it all went downhill from there.. him and i are now staying from house to house and have no money whatsoever, have seeked help but with my luck i got no gov help and denied unemployment benefits, which i find funny because ever since i was 18 i fell into a great job and never stopped working until now...but to the point five years together and four have been active sexually and for the first 2 years we were very careful, and for the past two years we havent been, 2 years i went without even a scare of pregnancy, we assumed that it would be difficult for us, but all we have is eachother so its nice to make love and not have to worry about it, birth control was never something i thought of because of all the risks and stories i have heard, and things my close friends have been through because of birth control, 18 weeks ago i became pregnant, i have no family, no money, and hi and i sleep on a hard floor..i had no idea i was pregnant because i got my period ..but i didnt take into account that it was abnormal because i had my period on the 8th of april and then again may first, my aunt was in the er for a week and then moved to a room where we had to watch her fade away, i also found out my uncle passed, and being there and stressing out at the hospitol day and night..made me think i am just putting my body through alot of stress. so i went on with my day to day, luckily i dont drink or do any drugs, but i do stress out alot and i have anxiety. I am distant from my father because of the man i choose to be with, because he is the type of father who always wanted me to be with a doctor or lawyer type...or someone buisness oriented, and i cant help who my heart wants, we do talk, and i know i chose the hard way in life..but i cant help how i love him. a week after i was pregnant ( still didnt know) my dad spoke with me and asked me if i needed help with school or anything, and i he allways told me...if he ever found out i was pregnant he would disown me (he has been telling me this for years) and that hurt me, but i never thought pregnancy was something i had to worry about... sure me and my fiancee talked about the one day factor how great it would be, but just not now...i lost my virginity at 21 i am now 22 and it was with the guy that i am with now...its just hard because even that is horribleto my father... so i am wired off of what he thinks of me. i started feeling sick a month later, and i thought i was dying or that something was wrong with me..i was throwing up all day, falling asleep everywhere and anywhere uncontrolled, the usual pregnancy stuff, but i can be so ignorant, i figured i was really sick because i hardly eat because food is low, then i started urniating all the time, and thats when i said ok, i gotta take a test...once i said that i realized that i didnt get my period that month...so i took a test and it was positive...the blood sunk outta my face, i almost fainted i panicd and looked at the floor and blanket i slept on..and cried...i had been trying to find work for months ...i even went as low as taco bell..or graveyard shifts...why in the world does nobody call me back...i still wonder...i am over qualified for an hard labor job and had much administrative expiriance, so it was all vry depressing because the first person tha popped into my head was...BABY....i thought i was only one month pregnant so i kept just waiting so afraid to go anywhere...i let weeks go by like blurs..so hungry...so sad.....i finally got up and said..i think i want an abortion, if my dad found out he would never talk to me again, i cant raise a baby on the floor, and if i had he baby i could never give it up, i see children today as early as 12 doing drugs and having sex....the world in my eyes keeps getting more and more corrupt and there are so many money issues...this is what i want...it all happend so fast...i went to the clinic they made me take the pills and put sticks in my cervix to dialate me..then i found out iwas already 15 weeks, i wanted to rip it al out and get the hell out of there, once you dialate your cervix you risk a great deal of the babys health and your own, and i didnt speak up i just let it happen....when i woke up i felt so alone, there is a presence that a baby brings, no matter how lonely i was or depressed..i felt like there was always someone there...like a peice of god...loving me no matter what i did my baby neer judged me, i woke up so alone and depressed right away, the whole way home i cried. its been three weeks and i have been alone on the floor crying...in my heart i bet it was a girl, and i miss her so much that i dont know what to do with myself, i want her back so much and i wish that the window i had to escape..was taken....she would be here with me..but i think this depression is just a tinybit of the punishment to come for me...i feel as if i dont deserve to live, and some days i just dont want to...this is something i would have never dreamt of doing in my life...yet here i stand...babyless...joyless...no feeling...no emotion just tears...i wonder where she is...and if she hates me...what she looks like, and i wish i could at least dream about her...but i can't and i know i dont deserve to, i just have not even thought about sex and my fiance has been waiting, it has been three weeks..and m terrified to go there, because its not fair to her....because im scared that it will hurt, or that i wont feell anything at all...anyone know if i should try to go about my sex life like nothing happend...i sure would hate to loose him too..