Hi dawn-my mum had Post natal depression too. Accordin to my sister , granda, dad etc she use to hide me in drawers and they used to come up and find me. well, ( there you have a game of hide and seek). It was no wonder my dad came up with the finders bleepers on Tomorrows world) thats true) .
Anywa, Ive been awake since 5am. i cant sleep , so tired.
Yesterday I had to rin gthe bank about old joint accoutnt-bloody machines-what does it take for a human to answer. About 50 minutes someone answers grrr!!!!Anyway, sorted that, then had to run off back to work, Housing form is still here. Ill ring them after work.Kids are back at school tomorrow, and I am getting "I dont have a new schoolbag mummy"argh!!!Just fels like overload on things to do.
Its strange , i got a bit annoyed at work yesterday. I must look completely thick. people do look at me (first impressions) Like I am totaly stupid. I had all the buzz word, attentive, approachable, focused, friendly , blah blah, and was spoken over. Anyway, i better go get ready, I can barely move.
This streets gone beserk, We have mothers hitting children and 3 year old throwing bricks and shouting F....Off out the window, its really entertaining and distresing when cuddling lamposts. Anyway, IId better get a move on , Take care,
Anywa, Ive been awake since 5am. i cant sleep , so tired.
Yesterday I had to rin gthe bank about old joint accoutnt-bloody machines-what does it take for a human to answer. About 50 minutes someone answers grrr!!!!Anyway, sorted that, then had to run off back to work, Housing form is still here. Ill ring them after work.Kids are back at school tomorrow, and I am getting "I dont have a new schoolbag mummy"argh!!!Just fels like overload on things to do.
Its strange , i got a bit annoyed at work yesterday. I must look completely thick. people do look at me (first impressions) Like I am totaly stupid. I had all the buzz word, attentive, approachable, focused, friendly , blah blah, and was spoken over. Anyway, i better go get ready, I can barely move.
This streets gone beserk, We have mothers hitting children and 3 year old throwing bricks and shouting F....Off out the window, its really entertaining and distresing when cuddling lamposts. Anyway, IId better get a move on , Take care,
Oh Dawn- where are you? Please help! I am just having a bad dizzie day I was here looking through some threads and somone sent me a message about getting help etc(It was an old , very old message) and thay have had ago at me about snetence structure and bad grammar.
Today at work, I managed to dress a mannequin , but then the picture behind feel down from the top of the window,,,,I couldnt get up to fix it -way too dizzie, so got help. Slagged myself off a bit for it-then burst out crying -then and now still crying. See 16 yr olds can do my job better- I do something they do every day and then make a pigs ear of something else. Its always been this for me, and then as I have no backbone, even if ive joked about it-I still end up crying, even if I know it wasnt even my fault. That message just made me feel 10xs worse.
Okay, Im going now, I dont even feeel like talking. Lets face it, I am the wworlds worst!! Cant do this , cant do that cant have a good relationship, Oh Grrrrrrrr!Sorry, bad day!
Today at work, I managed to dress a mannequin , but then the picture behind feel down from the top of the window,,,,I couldnt get up to fix it -way too dizzie, so got help. Slagged myself off a bit for it-then burst out crying -then and now still crying. See 16 yr olds can do my job better- I do something they do every day and then make a pigs ear of something else. Its always been this for me, and then as I have no backbone, even if ive joked about it-I still end up crying, even if I know it wasnt even my fault. That message just made me feel 10xs worse.
Okay, Im going now, I dont even feeel like talking. Lets face it, I am the wworlds worst!! Cant do this , cant do that cant have a good relationship, Oh Grrrrrrrr!Sorry, bad day!
Well the last time I checked there is no such thing as the Grammar Police!!!! That person isn't important!!!
Due to the fact that you are around your period, you will be all over the place with your hormones! You could have severe PMS you know? It happens ALL the time! Your dizziness is really acting up lately isn't it?! I wonder if it is also hormonal related as well! The only way is to go to the docs though! There's something connecting all of these symptoms Katy - sniffles, dizziness, headaches, feeling nauseaus, ears ringing, vertigo etc. This ISN'T all panic and anxiety driven!
Whats going on with the housing application? Is it still on your table!? If so I think you have sent yourself a HUGE message that you aren't ready for this then! For them to send it back, it was probably from not filling something out, or information missing etc. And for you not to follow up with that, perhaps it's your true feelings that you don't want to move on! There is something called a Freudian Slip - as you would have heard about in school! Where your subconscious lead you to not completing the form and still not doing something about it! Even though verbally and in writing you say you DO want to do something about it!
As I have said to you before Katy! Make TOTALLY sure that you are comfortable (ENOUGH) to move on! Because if you aren't your body and mind will make you NOT do it! And this is exactly I think is what has happened with this application and not telling the doctor everything! I think you don't want to tell him everything because you know he would take it further and force your hand to break this relationship! Many women believe that something is better than nothing! And that would match with you due to your down view about yourself! I think you TRULY think you can't get anything better, and thus you are willing to remain in this terrible relationship! Because "something is better than nothing!" I've NEVER thought that, due to the fact that I saw a TERRIBLE relationship with my parents, and I would have rather have them divorced then what they put us through! You're the other way, because your mom cheated on your dad and split the family! So you are more inclined to stay NO MATTER WHAT!!!
In all the conversations with you I have kept thinking that you are not ready for this - thus the panic attacks and feeling sick to your stomach and "liquid courage" etc! And I think with your actions - with the letter and not talking to your doctor etc, kind of prove the point right?! Really think about it OK? Really think if it is in you to deserve more than this!!! OR stay?!
Everyone of us - who have seperated from their spouses - have thoughts of "what if?" "Should I?" etc. etc. But you can't deny how you truly feel about this situation - or it WILL eat you up!!!
I TRULY would love for you to start seeing a counsellor or a psychologist! You need to start thinking about yourself nd getting stronger! You can't do this on your own Katy! You have to come to grips with the fact that you ARE worth more than you have been given!
Due to the fact that you are around your period, you will be all over the place with your hormones! You could have severe PMS you know? It happens ALL the time! Your dizziness is really acting up lately isn't it?! I wonder if it is also hormonal related as well! The only way is to go to the docs though! There's something connecting all of these symptoms Katy - sniffles, dizziness, headaches, feeling nauseaus, ears ringing, vertigo etc. This ISN'T all panic and anxiety driven!
Whats going on with the housing application? Is it still on your table!? If so I think you have sent yourself a HUGE message that you aren't ready for this then! For them to send it back, it was probably from not filling something out, or information missing etc. And for you not to follow up with that, perhaps it's your true feelings that you don't want to move on! There is something called a Freudian Slip - as you would have heard about in school! Where your subconscious lead you to not completing the form and still not doing something about it! Even though verbally and in writing you say you DO want to do something about it!
As I have said to you before Katy! Make TOTALLY sure that you are comfortable (ENOUGH) to move on! Because if you aren't your body and mind will make you NOT do it! And this is exactly I think is what has happened with this application and not telling the doctor everything! I think you don't want to tell him everything because you know he would take it further and force your hand to break this relationship! Many women believe that something is better than nothing! And that would match with you due to your down view about yourself! I think you TRULY think you can't get anything better, and thus you are willing to remain in this terrible relationship! Because "something is better than nothing!" I've NEVER thought that, due to the fact that I saw a TERRIBLE relationship with my parents, and I would have rather have them divorced then what they put us through! You're the other way, because your mom cheated on your dad and split the family! So you are more inclined to stay NO MATTER WHAT!!!
In all the conversations with you I have kept thinking that you are not ready for this - thus the panic attacks and feeling sick to your stomach and "liquid courage" etc! And I think with your actions - with the letter and not talking to your doctor etc, kind of prove the point right?! Really think about it OK? Really think if it is in you to deserve more than this!!! OR stay?!
Everyone of us - who have seperated from their spouses - have thoughts of "what if?" "Should I?" etc. etc. But you can't deny how you truly feel about this situation - or it WILL eat you up!!!
I TRULY would love for you to start seeing a counsellor or a psychologist! You need to start thinking about yourself nd getting stronger! You can't do this on your own Katy! You have to come to grips with the fact that you ARE worth more than you have been given!
Hi Dawn-Hmm, youve got me thinking now!
Ok, Ive still got my application form here.I am planning to take it to housing today-thats once the man has come round to give as an upgrade survey. You made loads of point n that last post-I cant keep up.
Looking back on my mum and dads relationship, it was awful. I mean awful. My sister and I used to sit at the top of the stairs cuddling each other as we would be scared of what would happen next. Sometimes we would go downstairs and approach them-to stop them fighting-but sometimes that was whey too scary.
On the otherside of things-I do remeber them smiling and playing (occassionally0and when they got on like that , my sister and I longed for it to stay that way
Anyway, really thats by the by. The thing is, period time of the month, I am literally a mess,Psychotic even.Its as if i am OCD-but cant organise the mess, then thers him..I know you say Im not ready to do this, I think thats true-but I dont think I will ever be ready-and the more I think about it-the more, I want to hide, dissolve even..I dont think and I honestly believe this, think I will ever be able to be strong about this. My children adore their father and it almost rips me in two...almost pain like your cervix has been split in 2, but in actua fact its my heart.
the thing is Dawn.I HAVE TO DO THIS! and I have to do it very soon, the girls are getting too old ...Im sleeping in the spear bedroom, my underwear lives in a cardboard box, my little bedside drawers are in his room, ( that dad bought us). Also , the longer I stay around here, the comfierIm getting. Im getting used (again) to his horrible mouthiness, but I dont think theres anything else to worry about ( at the moment(ie) Physically harming me. Though I did have a panic about being pregnant again ( even though weve not had sex in months, ok, years) before I got my period.
Im tired today. I look grey, Ive had the bottom squirters for over 4 days, and i still feel fat!
"Liquid courage "thats my confidence! Lost the plot, just really incredibly tired.
Ive jsst been put in my place. Its weird . sometimes he will open the fridge door and something will fall or something is not where he left it, and you here him swear"f**k off" and a rant like that can go on for a good 5 to 10 minutes. he did it the otherday and honestly all the phrases he has used that have eaten me integrated themselves, It was like the alphabet ringing around my ears. IHeres an example, I had had alex, I had a froceps birth woth her...and i could hardly walk.Anyway, I was a bit emotiional at that point and hed say something like "Just do your job!" i remebr looking at him and thinking wtf is that then?? o.O XD And remeber not say anything but thinking yeah right-like you do yours...ie we didnt even have a private rented flat at that time. Like I always do though, I doubt that what he was saying was very much wrong, so then Id think yup! hes got a point, but then the phrase"Just do your job"would go round my head....just do your job...then thered be me thinking, uh huh, every little helps, just to try and keep going
Now that phrase, for me only fits in the workplace, It doesnt belong in the home.Thats how I feel about it, whether he was wrong or right, It actauklly makes me feel a little nauseas talking about it today...as Alot worse things have been said, still get said. Ok Im rambling.
Im tried.
When i am older, I know im going to be full of regret and anger towards him, especially when on my death bed, so i do need a little kick up the you know whats its.Anyway, got to go...Take care Dawn.
PMS - I think I get that and probably badly, but I cant eat when Ive got my period, A slice of toast and thats about it, its not intentional , its just the way I feel, what is that? why do I do that? and yes-message to the grammar police-I can barely string a sentence together especiially just now, and if you think thats bad, try and watch me walk
Ok, Ive still got my application form here.I am planning to take it to housing today-thats once the man has come round to give as an upgrade survey. You made loads of point n that last post-I cant keep up.
Looking back on my mum and dads relationship, it was awful. I mean awful. My sister and I used to sit at the top of the stairs cuddling each other as we would be scared of what would happen next. Sometimes we would go downstairs and approach them-to stop them fighting-but sometimes that was whey too scary.
On the otherside of things-I do remeber them smiling and playing (occassionally0and when they got on like that , my sister and I longed for it to stay that way
Anyway, really thats by the by. The thing is, period time of the month, I am literally a mess,Psychotic even.Its as if i am OCD-but cant organise the mess, then thers him..I know you say Im not ready to do this, I think thats true-but I dont think I will ever be ready-and the more I think about it-the more, I want to hide, dissolve even..I dont think and I honestly believe this, think I will ever be able to be strong about this. My children adore their father and it almost rips me in two...almost pain like your cervix has been split in 2, but in actua fact its my heart.
the thing is Dawn.I HAVE TO DO THIS! and I have to do it very soon, the girls are getting too old ...Im sleeping in the spear bedroom, my underwear lives in a cardboard box, my little bedside drawers are in his room, ( that dad bought us). Also , the longer I stay around here, the comfierIm getting. Im getting used (again) to his horrible mouthiness, but I dont think theres anything else to worry about ( at the moment(ie) Physically harming me. Though I did have a panic about being pregnant again ( even though weve not had sex in months, ok, years) before I got my period.
Im tired today. I look grey, Ive had the bottom squirters for over 4 days, and i still feel fat!
"Liquid courage "thats my confidence! Lost the plot, just really incredibly tired.
Ive jsst been put in my place. Its weird . sometimes he will open the fridge door and something will fall or something is not where he left it, and you here him swear"f**k off" and a rant like that can go on for a good 5 to 10 minutes. he did it the otherday and honestly all the phrases he has used that have eaten me integrated themselves, It was like the alphabet ringing around my ears. IHeres an example, I had had alex, I had a froceps birth woth her...and i could hardly walk.Anyway, I was a bit emotiional at that point and hed say something like "Just do your job!" i remebr looking at him and thinking wtf is that then?? o.O XD And remeber not say anything but thinking yeah right-like you do yours...ie we didnt even have a private rented flat at that time. Like I always do though, I doubt that what he was saying was very much wrong, so then Id think yup! hes got a point, but then the phrase"Just do your job"would go round my head....just do your job...then thered be me thinking, uh huh, every little helps, just to try and keep going
Now that phrase, for me only fits in the workplace, It doesnt belong in the home.Thats how I feel about it, whether he was wrong or right, It actauklly makes me feel a little nauseas talking about it today...as Alot worse things have been said, still get said. Ok Im rambling.
Im tried.
When i am older, I know im going to be full of regret and anger towards him, especially when on my death bed, so i do need a little kick up the you know whats its.Anyway, got to go...Take care Dawn.
PMS - I think I get that and probably badly, but I cant eat when Ive got my period, A slice of toast and thats about it, its not intentional , its just the way I feel, what is that? why do I do that? and yes-message to the grammar police-I can barely string a sentence together especiially just now, and if you think thats bad, try and watch me walk
I dont know why I do this? It so silly . I went to get a coffee, and Ive just been enjoying quietness, dont want to put the tv on or anything.....then I thought, i am so tired Ill just lie down and try some sleep.
The worst thing that I do is go back. I go back, and sometimes I think no, Ive interpreted it all wrong,, and other times I think , no tat was reall, that happened. It did happen, but its a long time ago, but its till there, and i dont know if I thin about it now a lot, than when I was younger as I now how cruel men can be...It makes me feel really freezing cold, sick and tremble. Even though I am tired, so tired..I cant sleep, and wonder if the smell of coffee triggers it.and if I go back to think I got out of that, so i can get out of this-or is it coming back in my mind because I am so scared ofbeing alone, Or is it there in full terms and feels worse because of this situationI can have days, months , weeks, etc. i dont htin about it, Its not there, Its not important, it doesnt matter. That was then and this is nowbaneter-and its like that dream the othe night, put time in its place. It doesnt make any sense!
The worst thing that I do is go back. I go back, and sometimes I think no, Ive interpreted it all wrong,, and other times I think , no tat was reall, that happened. It did happen, but its a long time ago, but its till there, and i dont know if I thin about it now a lot, than when I was younger as I now how cruel men can be...It makes me feel really freezing cold, sick and tremble. Even though I am tired, so tired..I cant sleep, and wonder if the smell of coffee triggers it.and if I go back to think I got out of that, so i can get out of this-or is it coming back in my mind because I am so scared ofbeing alone, Or is it there in full terms and feels worse because of this situationI can have days, months , weeks, etc. i dont htin about it, Its not there, Its not important, it doesnt matter. That was then and this is nowbaneter-and its like that dream the othe night, put time in its place. It doesnt make any sense!
Ok, surveyors turned up early. OmG-Ive got my work cut out for me. Its good news, huh for him or me. Yes, kitchen is getteting refurbished, bathroom redone, gas fire is getting removed and its mad!!! Starts in less than 2 weeks. It was so embarassing though-as flat was still a tip...wah!!!!!
Housing application still here-GGGGGGRRRRR! I rang ex for his dad-told him about the new developments He was this"Thats good news" he has no intentions of moving out-does he?
Anyway, not feeling great, and remebered about the Nurse asking if I want to be tested for Hep C...I thought you could only contract this though needles , dirty needles from (oh the visions in my head-and then the questions what do they think of me?0 Anyway, Im starting to worry, as I know I was born with Jaundice. The nurse had stated there was a link between Hep C and alcoholism-do you think I should get tested for this?
Anyway, going to go a walk with Houising apllication. I noticed when the surveyors were talking to me I was going dizzie-I find it stressful , even though its good news, Its having strangers in my house , its stressful for me, and this idizziness is definately related to stress..Anyway, right id better go. Hope youre ok?
Anyway, not feeling great, and remebered about the Nurse asking if I want to be tested for Hep C...I thought you could only contract this though needles , dirty needles from (oh the visions in my head-and then the questions what do they think of me?0 Anyway, Im starting to worry, as I know I was born with Jaundice. The nurse had stated there was a link between Hep C and alcoholism-do you think I should get tested for this?
Anyway, going to go a walk with Houising apllication. I noticed when the surveyors were talking to me I was going dizzie-I find it stressful , even though its good news, Its having strangers in my house , its stressful for me, and this idizziness is definately related to stress..Anyway, right id better go. Hope youre ok?
You're a VERY intelligent person Katy! So what I want you to do is either on the computer or on a piece of paper write down ALL the things he has said to you, done to you etc. PLUS write down all the things that are physically happening to you and try and figure out why!
Since you are PMS'ing you aren't eating, thus low blood sugar thus dizziness, nausea and diareha!
You get the sniffles, and feel puffy, achy, watery eyes, wobbily etc. WHY? -
Why do you feel like you deserve THIS?!!!!!!!
When your daughters grow up and marry/boyfriends etc. Do you at all think they will follow in your footsteps, and your moms and take TERRIBLE things from their partners!? Do you think that they will feel so LOW about themselves, that they will allow themselves to be knocked around, told TERRIBLE things, RAPED!!!!!!!!! o.O , Beaten till their black and blue? I KNOW this is an upsetting thought, but you have to think of WHY you let yourself be treated so badly INFRONT of the girls? They WILL learn that this is the way it is supposed to be! And believe me honey! They do NOT love him as much as you think they do! They can't! They have heard the screaming, they have seen the bruises etc! There is NO way that they respect him at all! And when they get older they wont respect you either! I HATED my mom for staying and putting us through the horrors we saw!!!!! I NEVER respected my dad! And believe me honey, your girls are learning ALL of this from both of you!
When my husband and I were at the bottom of our relationship, my boys started talking to me just like he did! And I was thinking " NO F'ING WAY!!!!! So I DEMANDED respect from my boys! You HAVE to DEMAND respect for yourself! Because if you don't NO ONE will!!!!
Think about the future of your precious girls Katy, staying in this c**p!!!!!? Because you think you deserve this! Does that mean the girls do too? I know this is one of the harshest statements I've said to you! But you NEED to see what life will be like for you AND the girls in 5, 10, 20 years time!!! You will STILL be with him! And the girls WILL be with guys that are JUST like HIM! Do you want that?
I just want you to WANT more for ALL 3 of you! STOP settling! Who cares if he gets a TOTALLY renovated house! He wont be able to stay there, it's a house for a family! They will kick him out after!
Since you are PMS'ing you aren't eating, thus low blood sugar thus dizziness, nausea and diareha!
You get the sniffles, and feel puffy, achy, watery eyes, wobbily etc. WHY? -
Why do you feel like you deserve THIS?!!!!!!!
When your daughters grow up and marry/boyfriends etc. Do you at all think they will follow in your footsteps, and your moms and take TERRIBLE things from their partners!? Do you think that they will feel so LOW about themselves, that they will allow themselves to be knocked around, told TERRIBLE things, RAPED!!!!!!!!! o.O , Beaten till their black and blue? I KNOW this is an upsetting thought, but you have to think of WHY you let yourself be treated so badly INFRONT of the girls? They WILL learn that this is the way it is supposed to be! And believe me honey! They do NOT love him as much as you think they do! They can't! They have heard the screaming, they have seen the bruises etc! There is NO way that they respect him at all! And when they get older they wont respect you either! I HATED my mom for staying and putting us through the horrors we saw!!!!! I NEVER respected my dad! And believe me honey, your girls are learning ALL of this from both of you!
When my husband and I were at the bottom of our relationship, my boys started talking to me just like he did! And I was thinking " NO F'ING WAY!!!!! So I DEMANDED respect from my boys! You HAVE to DEMAND respect for yourself! Because if you don't NO ONE will!!!!
Think about the future of your precious girls Katy, staying in this c**p!!!!!? Because you think you deserve this! Does that mean the girls do too? I know this is one of the harshest statements I've said to you! But you NEED to see what life will be like for you AND the girls in 5, 10, 20 years time!!! You will STILL be with him! And the girls WILL be with guys that are JUST like HIM! Do you want that?
I just want you to WANT more for ALL 3 of you! STOP settling! Who cares if he gets a TOTALLY renovated house! He wont be able to stay there, it's a house for a family! They will kick him out after!
dawn, I know I get it! Im not feeling well right now, was making dinner got kicked out the kitchen , I couldnt see for Im really dizzie and now have blinding flashing spots/lights in my eyes.Finding it hard to see the keyboard.
I know your right.If I were to show you the blak bruise on my bum , youd give me another one on the otherside to match(ha ha!)His dad is here, and I was cooking, Normally I let him take over the kitchen and lock myself in this room. Tonight when he came in,,,,he said "Great , whats for tea I could eat a scabby horse" I retorted"Whatever I cook, you want like" And anyway, his dad doesnt like garlic! I never want to cook for him again!!!Now gone all sweaty..I dont want to go back in the kitchen as a man with an empty stomach i like being locked in a cage with a few hungry tigers.Sorry, I want be able to read this, cant look at the screen.
You know, I rember a lady nurse stating "go get the interdicr" i couldnt be hard enough..I dont know why? perhaps as I knew it would end up in court and the only eveidence anyone really has is me stinking of alcohol. Given that one enough thought, and know how people can behave so chickened.
Becca si not ell either, i am now starting to feel a bit weak..so much for dinner..I keep wondering if its actually my eyes, maybe ive got a tumour or something, I thought I was going to faint earlier, I actually wanted to pass out so someone could come and take me away.
I dnt really want to go into the details right now. I just cant forgive him nor can I forget. Even when I look at him now I remeber what he did, and now that he thinks it fine to stick around and not even admit any of it and then make it out I am the sick one ( ok right now yeah) but and I cant say he drove me to iit-thats his phrase. "Well...are you going to say sorry" and those kind of things..i didnt do anything wrong though-cant you just ubnderstand...and yes dont want to go into details, but..if something ever went wrong ( This is an ongoing joke at my work)..."Just blame Katy...thats what he does Everything is my fault. EVERYTHING! Sorry, Im going to have to go lie down Iam nearly blind.
Hope to speak soon, katy
I know your right.If I were to show you the blak bruise on my bum , youd give me another one on the otherside to match(ha ha!)His dad is here, and I was cooking, Normally I let him take over the kitchen and lock myself in this room. Tonight when he came in,,,,he said "Great , whats for tea I could eat a scabby horse" I retorted"Whatever I cook, you want like" And anyway, his dad doesnt like garlic! I never want to cook for him again!!!Now gone all sweaty..I dont want to go back in the kitchen as a man with an empty stomach i like being locked in a cage with a few hungry tigers.Sorry, I want be able to read this, cant look at the screen.
You know, I rember a lady nurse stating "go get the interdicr" i couldnt be hard enough..I dont know why? perhaps as I knew it would end up in court and the only eveidence anyone really has is me stinking of alcohol. Given that one enough thought, and know how people can behave so chickened.
Becca si not ell either, i am now starting to feel a bit weak..so much for dinner..I keep wondering if its actually my eyes, maybe ive got a tumour or something, I thought I was going to faint earlier, I actually wanted to pass out so someone could come and take me away.
I dnt really want to go into the details right now. I just cant forgive him nor can I forget. Even when I look at him now I remeber what he did, and now that he thinks it fine to stick around and not even admit any of it and then make it out I am the sick one ( ok right now yeah) but and I cant say he drove me to iit-thats his phrase. "Well...are you going to say sorry" and those kind of things..i didnt do anything wrong though-cant you just ubnderstand...and yes dont want to go into details, but..if something ever went wrong ( This is an ongoing joke at my work)..."Just blame Katy...thats what he does Everything is my fault. EVERYTHING! Sorry, Im going to have to go lie down Iam nearly blind.
Hope to speak soon, katy
Dawn-Iam worried about Becca. Shes extremely pale faced, eyes are black underneath, not eating, sore throat and bad breath, and extreme headache. What if shes got swine flu?
Actually you both might have something going on! You need to be BOTH checked up on! You haven't been feeling well for several days right now, and I think that Becca has caught whatever you've been fighting off! It is flu season, but put things into perspective OK? In Canada over 3,000 people die every year from the regular flu!!!! - usually people with other illnesses or low immune systmes! So far I think it is about 30 or 40!!!!!!! And each one of these people had other MAJOR illnesses! Unfortunately here in Canada we do not have adequate medical help for native peoples! And they are the ones that are MORE likely to get sick from this then anyother sector!
So you both might have the flu! And EVEN IF it is Swine Flu - which will be rare! then they will help you both out! I do think you both have some sort of viral thing! If I were you I would go to the Emergency department! And take your other daughter too, because viral is VERY contagious and she might be catching it too!
One other thing! DON'T COOK 1 MORE THING FOR THAT BASTARD! Even if his dad is over - who gives a flying monkey!!!?
Let me know what the doctors say AND don't leave ANY of your symptoms out! A new doctor might be able to pick up on something going on with you! Show him the bruises too!!! This ALL might just finally get worked out! And if you need antibiotics then you can get them before waiting till Monday to see your regular doctor!
So you both might have the flu! And EVEN IF it is Swine Flu - which will be rare! then they will help you both out! I do think you both have some sort of viral thing! If I were you I would go to the Emergency department! And take your other daughter too, because viral is VERY contagious and she might be catching it too!
One other thing! DON'T COOK 1 MORE THING FOR THAT BASTARD! Even if his dad is over - who gives a flying monkey!!!?
Let me know what the doctors say AND don't leave ANY of your symptoms out! A new doctor might be able to pick up on something going on with you! Show him the bruises too!!! This ALL might just finally get worked out! And if you need antibiotics then you can get them before waiting till Monday to see your regular doctor!
Hi Dawn - Becca is up and down. I probably shouldnt have, but got so panicky last night I took some diazepam. feel fine today -though a bit stuffy, wobbily and I still feel a bit anxious.
Beccas temperature fluctated from 33-37 last night and only drank water. I gave her tons of calpol and she ended up sleeping with me. The strange thing was, she didnt snore-so I kept having to check she was breathing -so a bit tired today.
Ok, this is my thinking.First and fremost I have to GET OF AND MORE IMPORTANTLY REMAIN of the booze for a long period of time-life time! Iam a bit worried as a friend of mine who also drank a fair bit, had 3 kids and started to wirry that her hubby was having an affair, so asshe drank more to relieve her worried and low and behold he ran off with the other woman and gained custody of the children. Sorry, but grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!Thats exactly what i think my ex is planning, he keeps buying drink in and I think in away i am ashamed of not only that, but of how we live...Its not up to regular standards. i cant have friends round as I get so embarassed by this place, so I am happy that we are getting an upgrade-in that sense. Not only that, once I am clean , and say he takes me to court , or not , he will eventually have to go otherwise there will be a murder, or Ill get really nasty ( when I am good and ready). I know this is not in the kids best interests, but I could go out, bring back a friend etc and just switch him out my life. I think hes trying to squirm his way back in. I think he thinks he hasnt actually done anything wrong, and I think he thinks it is all me, and that I will get over it, once I stop drinking.Hes hanging around waiting for that point. I think thats truly is what he thinks. i think hes forgotten all the times hes thrown me on the kitchen flor with his fists in my face, I think he blanks them out-which is an even moe scarrier concept cause then we are both blanking out-that could lead to murder.Anyway, the drink nurse is right, I have to deal with one thing at a time, my drining first and the situation second, I cant deal with both hand in hand , liked Id wished for.
Ok, Id better go - hope to hear from you soon. becca seems better today-though fairly flushed looking.Hope your health is good, take care.
Beccas temperature fluctated from 33-37 last night and only drank water. I gave her tons of calpol and she ended up sleeping with me. The strange thing was, she didnt snore-so I kept having to check she was breathing -so a bit tired today.
Ok, this is my thinking.First and fremost I have to GET OF AND MORE IMPORTANTLY REMAIN of the booze for a long period of time-life time! Iam a bit worried as a friend of mine who also drank a fair bit, had 3 kids and started to wirry that her hubby was having an affair, so asshe drank more to relieve her worried and low and behold he ran off with the other woman and gained custody of the children. Sorry, but grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!Thats exactly what i think my ex is planning, he keeps buying drink in and I think in away i am ashamed of not only that, but of how we live...Its not up to regular standards. i cant have friends round as I get so embarassed by this place, so I am happy that we are getting an upgrade-in that sense. Not only that, once I am clean , and say he takes me to court , or not , he will eventually have to go otherwise there will be a murder, or Ill get really nasty ( when I am good and ready). I know this is not in the kids best interests, but I could go out, bring back a friend etc and just switch him out my life. I think hes trying to squirm his way back in. I think he thinks he hasnt actually done anything wrong, and I think he thinks it is all me, and that I will get over it, once I stop drinking.Hes hanging around waiting for that point. I think thats truly is what he thinks. i think hes forgotten all the times hes thrown me on the kitchen flor with his fists in my face, I think he blanks them out-which is an even moe scarrier concept cause then we are both blanking out-that could lead to murder.Anyway, the drink nurse is right, I have to deal with one thing at a time, my drining first and the situation second, I cant deal with both hand in hand , liked Id wished for.
Ok, Id better go - hope to hear from you soon. becca seems better today-though fairly flushed looking.Hope your health is good, take care.
dawn-this is the thing that confuses me.
This is what I am guilty of-GETTING EXTREMLY DRUNK, telling him, or asking why he hadnt done this or had not don ethat? hed give me a cheeky remark or what would seem in my opinion useless. the first time, i threw his favourite wine glass at a wall and it smashed to smitherines. I remeber the sobriety after I had done that...It was ...oh sh*t....oh oh -that was not a smart thing to do. I also did it whenmy sister was around, as I felt safer with her in the house and could voice my opiions to him.
The folowwing time, I salpped him. Nikki was still about.
This is however after having my arm twisted behind my back , after being punched , after being a skivy in the kitchen for hm and his dad, with baby on boob, and then food being ditched and their remarks "This is horrible" Or the looks. Then , as i didnt work, I had no money, nothing, When I did finally get a job I had to pay some bills and give him one hundred pounds towards the rent.
In all honesty, he has done things when hes sober, more than when hes drunk. That is discounting the other thing-im talking here of physical harm-not the other type. On the other side, it was the main issues which upset me the most, and that was the "You know you like it"and Id be saying no, , im going to be sick, and hed continue, or "For f....sake dont move"...and then once the business was over, Id feel more used...I used to just long for a cuddle a bitof affection-not to be felt like a piece of meat. It felt dirty, and then of course, in the morning, it was though nothing had happened, and then hedsay something derogitory...alll I wanted wasto beeven liked. but see, if you met him, at face value, hes a real charmer, at face value hes ok, he seems like a decent kind bloke...Sometimes, i think this is all blokes stuff, and its just the way I feel, or like he has stated, "Iam damaged by my disturbing past" maybe I am, but he has not helped, and I kind of ran into this relationship , instead of walking into it. Anxiety must have been against me then XD
Sometiems i thin kI am as bad as he is, and in away I am as i am still sitting here-letting it happen-actually though, thankfully nothing that way is happening, so I am safe for now. Have been for a very long time, maybe because i got perfectly frank and told him, if you come near me again with that thing Illl twist it so hard it will drop off(see theres me being abusive to him again!)AnywayOMG-thats stuff I never wanted to tell some people, theres more. Its that attitude"Come on , you know you want to"foloweed by some force, followed by the "No actaully , I dont with you" Once he was so pissed and had tried this on, and I took it out on him, he was lying on the floor and fallen unonscious, and I just kicked him one,and left him there, I went to bed howling and crying and fed up, and left him in the hall, he woke on the hall , thinking it was so funny that hed been so drunk, luckily before the children got up. i was drained , he stated he couldnt remeber , but then the following night came back and apologised. But that made /makes it worse, for me, as then he knows exactly what hes done. And, last night he made what his dad wanted for dinner, i cooked fresh tomatoes, garlic, onions, fresh basil black olives and some chorizo with pasta, and you should heave seen his face when I sat down with the children , they ewere eating their usuaul Thursday night menu, of mashed potato, beans and sausage rolls, I was like hahahahahahahaha!
Thats the other thing they do..or rather he does. Monday night, baked potoe night, tuesday night Macaroni night, wednesday night...and so on...(Yawn!) I hate that, where is the spontinuity?drives me nuts. see now Ive told you some ogf the things ive doen to him and now I feel guilty abot telling on him. Either way, thisc ant be fixed, so yes, I have to get out, but I have to get better first-do you think this is the safest bet? And do you think, I can safely do it, and I cant help but thin kI am the baddie in all of this. Im just feeling guilty today ( I guess) I actually came back to read some of the things Id told you, and instead end up typing you a message..sorry!
This is what I am guilty of-GETTING EXTREMLY DRUNK, telling him, or asking why he hadnt done this or had not don ethat? hed give me a cheeky remark or what would seem in my opinion useless. the first time, i threw his favourite wine glass at a wall and it smashed to smitherines. I remeber the sobriety after I had done that...It was ...oh sh*t....oh oh -that was not a smart thing to do. I also did it whenmy sister was around, as I felt safer with her in the house and could voice my opiions to him.
The folowwing time, I salpped him. Nikki was still about.
This is however after having my arm twisted behind my back , after being punched , after being a skivy in the kitchen for hm and his dad, with baby on boob, and then food being ditched and their remarks "This is horrible" Or the looks. Then , as i didnt work, I had no money, nothing, When I did finally get a job I had to pay some bills and give him one hundred pounds towards the rent.
In all honesty, he has done things when hes sober, more than when hes drunk. That is discounting the other thing-im talking here of physical harm-not the other type. On the other side, it was the main issues which upset me the most, and that was the "You know you like it"and Id be saying no, , im going to be sick, and hed continue, or "For f....sake dont move"...and then once the business was over, Id feel more used...I used to just long for a cuddle a bitof affection-not to be felt like a piece of meat. It felt dirty, and then of course, in the morning, it was though nothing had happened, and then hedsay something derogitory...alll I wanted wasto beeven liked. but see, if you met him, at face value, hes a real charmer, at face value hes ok, he seems like a decent kind bloke...Sometimes, i think this is all blokes stuff, and its just the way I feel, or like he has stated, "Iam damaged by my disturbing past" maybe I am, but he has not helped, and I kind of ran into this relationship , instead of walking into it. Anxiety must have been against me then XD
Sometiems i thin kI am as bad as he is, and in away I am as i am still sitting here-letting it happen-actually though, thankfully nothing that way is happening, so I am safe for now. Have been for a very long time, maybe because i got perfectly frank and told him, if you come near me again with that thing Illl twist it so hard it will drop off(see theres me being abusive to him again!)AnywayOMG-thats stuff I never wanted to tell some people, theres more. Its that attitude"Come on , you know you want to"foloweed by some force, followed by the "No actaully , I dont with you" Once he was so pissed and had tried this on, and I took it out on him, he was lying on the floor and fallen unonscious, and I just kicked him one,and left him there, I went to bed howling and crying and fed up, and left him in the hall, he woke on the hall , thinking it was so funny that hed been so drunk, luckily before the children got up. i was drained , he stated he couldnt remeber , but then the following night came back and apologised. But that made /makes it worse, for me, as then he knows exactly what hes done. And, last night he made what his dad wanted for dinner, i cooked fresh tomatoes, garlic, onions, fresh basil black olives and some chorizo with pasta, and you should heave seen his face when I sat down with the children , they ewere eating their usuaul Thursday night menu, of mashed potato, beans and sausage rolls, I was like hahahahahahahaha!
Thats the other thing they do..or rather he does. Monday night, baked potoe night, tuesday night Macaroni night, wednesday night...and so on...(Yawn!) I hate that, where is the spontinuity?drives me nuts. see now Ive told you some ogf the things ive doen to him and now I feel guilty abot telling on him. Either way, thisc ant be fixed, so yes, I have to get out, but I have to get better first-do you think this is the safest bet? And do you think, I can safely do it, and I cant help but thin kI am the baddie in all of this. Im just feeling guilty today ( I guess) I actually came back to read some of the things Id told you, and instead end up typing you a message..sorry!
Actually dawn- Your right! He should go pick on some one his own age and size :-D
Ive got my appointment through to see the drinks specialist, googled him and all i can find are some journal articles-(Oh well, may take up some free time). Im thinking right, thats it,,,,Ill be adult from now on, Ill try and throw my inferiority complex out the window, but ive lived with it all my life so do not know where to start other than listening to music , taking diazepam and citalopram, and maybe sleeping.Do you think this drinks specialist could send me for a nose job? Thatd stop a lot of troubles, some liposuction, a new hair style, a new house , a profession, a new man, maybe even an old english sheep dog( Ive always wanted one of them) anyway, lets go to the Housing....Ill do it this weekend, or do I just sign these parental papers, casue i am being honest about my issues-would it be a safe opition???
Ive got my appointment through to see the drinks specialist, googled him and all i can find are some journal articles-(Oh well, may take up some free time). Im thinking right, thats it,,,,Ill be adult from now on, Ill try and throw my inferiority complex out the window, but ive lived with it all my life so do not know where to start other than listening to music , taking diazepam and citalopram, and maybe sleeping.Do you think this drinks specialist could send me for a nose job? Thatd stop a lot of troubles, some liposuction, a new hair style, a new house , a profession, a new man, maybe even an old english sheep dog( Ive always wanted one of them) anyway, lets go to the Housing....Ill do it this weekend, or do I just sign these parental papers, casue i am being honest about my issues-would it be a safe opition???
Not a great day . It was ok, till lunchtime and I wen on a binge. Girls had absoluteltley lovely but loud children over. i deceided to close my eyes, I couldnt watch. So they got bored and played in the garden.
he came home from work, put the wii on , and then made him and the girls tea. I sat wit them sipping coffee and listening to him talk to him, and I sweat thinking about how unfair it is. I mean, sign the papers and Ill go -still on the cards, but my solicitor has advised me not to do this. My application form, well I looked over, it . ive not missed anything out, and going to have to make an appointment to see housing officer. the entire thing is making me boil overHe plays the wii that I bought them and ussues it as a tool to play and entertain the children. I know whats going on, Basically, the end result is we will have to move to a smaller roughter apartment and he gets left with this place all nice and homely for the girls. It makes me so angry. I have to get out this situation. I know I am repeating myself, but he is only hnaging around to benefit himself, and cannot see the damage he has done.Thats how I see it .Sorry, just so sngry
he came home from work, put the wii on , and then made him and the girls tea. I sat wit them sipping coffee and listening to him talk to him, and I sweat thinking about how unfair it is. I mean, sign the papers and Ill go -still on the cards, but my solicitor has advised me not to do this. My application form, well I looked over, it . ive not missed anything out, and going to have to make an appointment to see housing officer. the entire thing is making me boil overHe plays the wii that I bought them and ussues it as a tool to play and entertain the children. I know whats going on, Basically, the end result is we will have to move to a smaller roughter apartment and he gets left with this place all nice and homely for the girls. It makes me so angry. I have to get out this situation. I know I am repeating myself, but he is only hnaging around to benefit himself, and cannot see the damage he has done.Thats how I see it .Sorry, just so sngry