I love my boyfriend very much and want to have a future with him but we have struggled with the exact same problem for over 2 years now: porn and masturbation. He has lied and lied and lied to me about it. He has hidden it and tortured me with it - instead of just being honest about the fact he IS GOING TO LOOK at it. We've run through the entire terrible progression of the whole thing and every stage imaginable - first he would lie to me and tell me he wasn't going to do it - that didn't work - only made it worse. Then we tried to censor it with an internet filter - that didn't work - only made it worse. Then we tried acceptance - in moderation - which I think is a healthy compromise. A man is going to beat off - it's healthy. A woman is going to beat off - it's healthy. The issue has always been a whole lot less about masturbation and a whole lot more about deceit, respect, honesty. Now that I am to the point where I will accept that he is going to beat off he has taken it to a new level: now I need to accept that he is going to beat off while I'm in the house with him. If he is turned on and doesn't feel like having sex with me he wants my permission to go lock himself in our room or the bathroom so he can 'take care' of it. I have some major issues with this concept: 1) have you no respect for me at all??? 2) he has already proven that he cannot control himself or proceed with any moderation whatsoever - in absolutely no time at all he will be spending all of his time locked in the bathroom and we will have no sex at all - DUH! obviously it's easier for him to masturbate than have sex with me..... but that isn't what a satisfying relationship is supposed to be about, is it? Aren't you supposed to WANT to take care of the person you love too? Don't you get into a relationship knowing that you are going to give ground sometimes, take one for the team sometimes.... don't you need to be willing to care about someone else? I do love him very much, but this feels like torture to me - and honestly, if he doesn't want to have sex with me but would rather masturbate, shouldn't that tell us where our relationship is heading right there? Tell me your thoughts - I'm struggling to wrap my brain around this request.
if i write something i do not want in posted it is so hurtful and i am shame for anyone to see it but i do want to talk about this problem
I want to be sympathetic to your "torture", but all I can think of is REALLY? It tortures you that your boyfriend wants to beat off while you are in the house? I guess if he NEVER wants to have sex with you, or spend time with you, then maybe your relationship is in trouble. Maybe he is so sick of this being an issue that he is just turned off by you. It's hard to say, but in general, most young guys beat off a few times a day, and a lot of guys (& gals) like to watch porn while they do it. If he asked you to have sex with him every time he was turned on, you would be one busy lady. I think you would be happier if you tried not to take it personally. The way most people behave has very little, or more likely nothing, to do with anyone but themselves. Perhaps you could ask yourself why this is such an issue for you, and why you are making it about respect for you? It's just a biological urge--that's it. Maybe sometimes you could offer to watch him (you could say it would turn you on to watch him do that), or do yourself with a toy and let him watch you while he beats off. If you could somehow let go and make it ok within yourself, you would save yourself a lot of unnecessary heartache, and probably make your relationship better. In any case, if you stay together long enough, he will eventually not be as turned on:-S.
I tend to agree...esp, if he is younger....whenI was 20-25yo, I did it all the time, even tho I had sex once or twice a day
I think you should go with your gut. My boyfriend had the same habits before we were married. I was extremely uncomfortable with it explained to him how I felt. He had a hard time understanding at first, but we are both spiritual/religious people, so he ultimately prayed about it and came to the same conclusion I did. They are selfish habits at the very least, and ultimately destructive to relationships- we've since seen the sad effects time and time again in the lives of other couples and families. I realize very few people have the kind of faith/belief in God to pray about things like this, but it seems your boyfriend ought to at least be willing to listen and try to understand something that is important to you, regardless of what the rest of the world thinks. If not, perhaps the relationship really is on shaky ground and there are other problems to be addressed first. Fortunately, my husband was willing and conquered. We've been very happily married for 12 years now. I'm so glad I went with my gut on this one.
I am with you. How do you want to talk about it?
i had a vision that you unlock your front door and immediately see him jacking off in the living room.i agree that you shouldnt take it personally that hes a turned on toad bc least hes not getting off with another woman.if he gets to that point YOUR RELATIONSHIP MAY BE IN TROUBLE