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My husband is a borderline alcoholic...what can I do before it gets worse?

By vmoats156674 | 21 posts, last post
Sasa Milosevic, MD answered this How To Cope If Someone Close To You Has A Drinking Problem
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vmoats156674

Me and my husband have been together 7 years and married 3. We have a 2 year old daughter and his 13 year old son, from a previous marriage, lives with us. When me and my husband met we both drank socially but not often and when we did we didn't always get drunk. His drinking started getting worse over the years. He would drink at least a beer or two everyday when he got home from working in the heat all day and then he would also make a mixed drink. He said it was because it calmed him down. I accepted it because I felt he was working in the heat all day, he deserved a cold beverage. After we got married and had our daughter it got worse. He started drinking everyday and getting well drunk. He would drink at least a half a bottle of some kind of liquor a day. I hate him when he is drinking because he becomes a totally different person. We have a 2 year old and I am the only one taking care of her because he's always drunk. He hides bottles in places he thinks I won't find them. I will look for them and usually find them and then I will tape the lids closed and even mark the bottle adn hide them myself. He will find them and drink them until they are empty and then put them back and act like he never knew where they were. Sometimes he says he drank them because I pissed him off. I can tell when he has been drinking because his demeanor and his facial expressions change but when I ask him he gets all defensive and says he hasn't had anything and that all I do is gripe at him about it and he's tired of me accusing him of drinking. Our friends have even mentioned to him that he drinks too much and his 13 year old son has written him a letter stating he doesn't like his drinking and wants him to stop, my husband crumpled it up and threw it away. He will go a couple days of not getting to the drunk point and he is the best person in the world to be around, but when he drinks which is more often than not, he becomes a little kid like and mean and defensive in anything you say. I have a 2 year old and a 13 year old to take care of I don't want to raise a 36 year old too. I usually take my daughter to her room by ourselves to get away from him while he is drinking but he comes in there and says I can't take her because she is his daughter too. I leave room after room trying to get away from him but he just keeps following and yelling at me in front of our daughter. I have threatened to leave him hoping he would stop and he does for a day or so but then it's back to it. I want to leave so bad but I can't because I stay home with my 2 year old daughter and I have no money or job so I would not be able to provide for me or my daughter but I can't stand this anymore. All we do is fight and it upsets my daughter. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. I don't want to leave him because when he's not drinking he is an excellent husband and father but I can't put my daughter thru this anymore, it's not fair to her. I also don't want to leave because I don't want to share custody of my daughter, I want her with me at ALL times. Help me!!! I don't know what else to do.

Guest

I am in the same situation! We have a 3 year old daughter and my husband drinks pretty much every night to help him go to sleep, so he says. Additionally, he is taking prescription Ambien (sometimes 5 pills at a time) and mixes that any kind of alcohol that we have on hand!! It is horrible!! When I confront him about it , he says I am lying and that he only takes 1-2 and his medicines are non of my business). I spend nights trying to get away from him, and make sure our daughter doesn't hear anything.....I cannot stand him anymore!! He usually bunks around, slams cupboards, calls me names, hiccups really loud, it is just very disturbing and it will go on until 12 or 1 am....he refuses to go to sleep! Last night, after bouncing against the walls and slamming some doors he passed out in the living room. I did not see exactly what happened ( I was hiding in my daughters bunk bed with her....to make sure she is cuddled and asleep) but I think he fell, because I heard a big thump, and fell asleep because he couldnt get up. When I got up in the morning, there was throw up all over the carpet and area rug, and he urinated on our couch and floor. When this happens I have nowhere to go, no friends or family ( I am a stay at home mom and not from around here) I want to leave so bad, but he threatens me that he will put me to jail for kidnapping his daughter. I do not want to loose my baby, and I don't want to have shared custody either. He is not able to watch a child at night, he cant even take care of himself. I do not know what to do.....I was considering going to the local police department and asking what my options could be...but I am very nervous and scared. If you find a solution to your problem, please let me know.....or if anyone here has advice??
I wish I could just pack our things and move home ( which is in Canada, and I don't think I could take a child out of the country) .
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Nikols169605

I know how situation you two are going through looks like, but from a slightly different perspective. Both of you are worried about possibility that your children will be under shared custody but what about the fact that they are living with their alcoholic fathers every day now? I can’t understand how it is better this way. Yes, he’s not alone with them because you both are there to protect them, but just think about what are the children seeing every day. The sooner you solve this situation – maybe divorce, maybe some other way - the better it is for them. Both of you are in very bad situations and the question is how much of it you can take it and for how much longer. Have either of you tried to contact social services? They can at least give you some advice.
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guest

I am also married to an alcoholic and have a 2 year old. Unless you are in this situation, there is no possible way you understand all facets. There are many reasons why I haven't left my husband yet. Such as emotional turmoil, financial (also stay at home Mom), custody battles, and the child's safety. My husband is a completely different person when drunk, but never violent. Mostly lazy, but also clumsy (falling down, breaking things, etc). My husband has NEVER been left alone with my daughter! I make sure of that. I'll call his parents if I have to and have them drive an hour and a half to come over and "visit" with my husband and daughter if I need to go somewhere. If we divorce, chances are that the court will at least allow him visitation considering he has no record of DUI yet. Then he'll be able to drink and drive with her, etc. My only hope is that we could reach an agreement that he must have his parents present during all visitations. His parents know he's an alcoholic and he's motivated by money, so if I have to I may have to give up my half of the house and alimony, possibly child support.
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BDL Wickie

dear vmoats,
i hope your situation has changed for the better. the only way you can help everyone is if he commits to therapy, even then for him to unlearn his problematic behavior will take years to change for the better, it will benefit first your child, you and your husband to be in a safe and caring environment, which means a new home for you and therapy (dialectic behavioural therapy) for your hubbie! I am a 38 year old borderline alcoholic and have received my diagnosis at the age of 36, where I nearly lost all, it was the death of my mother that pulled me out... everyone else had left me :) best of luck love
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Guest

Get out now, while your children are still normal. It won't get better. Protect your children, and get out. Get a job, if you are staying for the money. Protect your children, or you and they will pay for this for a lifetime. He is not worth it. Get out now.

 

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xer0n

sometimes this happens, but to be fair your husband isnt doing this to punish you or hurt you.  Please, this 

"get out" mentality is pathetic and weak.  Maybe your husband is going through a phase where he is drinking a lot.  If he is not abusing you or your child maybe you are making too big a deal of it. If he is hurting you physically then I apologize.  If he is hurting you with verbal abuse then you need to talk.  If neither of these situations are happening then you are using this as an out for your situation and if you love him you will stay and help.

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Guest

no one cares about the oregano priest and the olive garden
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jimmy60266922


get out go live with your parents. one of my wife's gfs had a husband like that. these motherfuckers will not quit drinking.
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waternut

I'm sorry to hear about your painful situations. It's true, nobody could understand unless they've lived it. I too have been married to an alcoholic borderline woman for 3 years. After lots of physical and emotional abuse I chose to separate. I was lucky she wanted to move out after all my nagging about her drinking and raging. I began attending Al-Anon meeting looking for the answers that would get her to stop drinking and acting like a 3 year old (she's 37). Instead I found that I although I couldn't cure her, I also didn't cause it and I couldn't control it. BUT, I could contribute to her disease. By attending AA meetings myself, I realized that she was sick and only she could decide to get help with her disease. I tried to give her some info and at one point she even attended some AA meetings, but decided "AA is for alcoholics" and I'm the one with problems, she just drinks too much sometimes. Thanks to the help I found in Al-Anon I was able to regain my life, my happiness and my sanity, things that none of the three borderline specialists we went to see together could do. After thousands of $$$ wasted on behavioral therapy, it comes down to whether she could be honest enough with herself to get better. She couldn't and it's her choice, most alcoholics and addicts do not recover. I realized I was betting on a horse that wasn't even in the race. Our divorce date is set for two weeks from today. Although I loved my victim story, and I could make any of you cry by hearing it, I had to bury it, forgive myself and then her. The key to happiness out of all this is in forgiving the alcoholic, they truly do not know what they do. This is not a bad phase they're going through and they won't grow out of it like someone mentioned. Denial is not just a river in Egypt my friend... As someone else said, they hit bottom and had to get better once nobody was left to rescue them. Most times by staying and enabling it keeps them out of recover and threats/ultimatums do nothing but make one look like a weak pushover once they are not followed through. I don't give advice, but my suggestion is work on yourselves and become informed on alcoholism. There is help and there is hope for you.
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guess

Iam the same situation scare to share my kid becuse he is alcoholic did u find a solution please let me know
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Guest

I'm in a similar situation. I feel like there are 3 of us in my marriage, me, my husband and the pub. He has a good job but always manages to go the local pub at least 3 or 4 times a week for 'a couple of pints' after work and then goes binge drinking every friday night. Last night as he was on call he said he was going for a 'couple' and would 'take it easy'. I woke up this morning and went through to the spare room where he slept to find he had peed on the carpet. He at first denied it saying he'd spilt a bottle of water however this has happened 3 other times over the past few years. I was so angry but instead of him apologising he swore at me and got angry too.

He's always liked a drink (been together 20 years) however his drinking has increased especially over last 5 years. I frequently try to discuss it with him however he denies he has a problem. It troubles me a lot and makes me feel trapped as we have 2 young children and i don't work. We have a good lifestyle and i wonder if i'm putting up with his behaviour as it is the easy option. I feel like giving him an ultimatum but it is such a huge step to split the family. Sometimes he will go 3 or 4 days without a drink but that is the maximum. I feel he is the child of the family - the kids are so much less trouble to look after than he is. His dad was an alcoholic and i think he might be too.

Any suggestions folks? He is the sort of person who buries his head in the ground instead of facing a problem and i can't see him admitting he has a problem. Does he or am i making a mountain out of a molehill? I haven't told anyone about this as i feel ashamed.

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Guest


Hi I was in the same situation eight years ago a son of 13 and a daughter of 4 I did get a job and eventually left him after over 3 years of abuse, I ended up in a refuge then got custody of he children and my house back. It was so difficult but seems to got better after a while. I am now 42 independent and brought up my kids alone. My kids are fine but don't make my mistake! I loved my husband but after he left the house became a full blown alcoholic. Been the children's father stood by him. Eight years later I am still looking after him, he's been in intensive care twice in an alcoholic coma and within months I'd dying. My kids have been through hell and back watching him drink himself to death. Although my kids are safe from the abuse, we don't live together I should have walked away and started fresh like I intended to but guilt got in he way. You can be independent and bring up our kids and if he sorts himself out then let him in their lives. My husband has been through detox, rehab everything and is still drInking today. Good luck be strong, places like my sisters place are great as it is abuse, even if it's verbal . Xx

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Guest

My husband has been drinking every night for the past 3 years.  It has gotten worst lately.  I think he is getting to the point where he is physically depended on the alcohol.  He also suffer from anxiety and depression.  He can't sleep at night, he literally checks on the time  every 5 minutes (he think he has to be doing something every minute).  It's has gotten to the point where he is impossible to live with.  He is mean and abusive towards me.  He said he is acting like this because it is my fault.  

It is my fault because, we are renting now, he wants to buy a house and move and feels frustrated that we haven't found one because I am too picky.  How can I go on and buy a house with this man under these condition.  I want to take my kids and leave but currently I am not working.  He has never physically abuse me but he gets violent by punching the wall and cursing.  I am afraid one day he will hurt us.  He is hurting us already, that we are living under this abusive condition.  Also, I don't want to show my girls that this is normal and they will get into the same kind of relationship when they are older.

I need advise.  Thank You,

 

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Guest


Hi my husband was mean and abusive to himself at the beginning, throwing plates, hitting walls etc but as he drank more then he started on me and the children, he blamed me for everything from his drinking to him being late for work etc. There is help out there, look on the internet for local charities like' My sister's place' these are women only groups against violence to women, it is good to talk. It took me 2 years to leave my husband and go into a refuge but it was worth it. I was offered counselling which did help. For the sake of the children and yourself it sounds like you need help, I told my husband that we were leaving temporary but have not gone back, we gave him the option of drink or a family - I am afraid he choose drink and he is still drinking 8 years later, he has changed for the worst and sometimes I still do blame myself but at the end of the day I have 2 children that are safe and understand the decisions I made. I am afraid to say that if he is alcohol dependent then there is nothing you can do, believe me I have tried, taking him to the AA, hiding his wallet, detox but as long as he wants to drink there is no stopping him. Keep strong and remember look after yourself and your children as you both deserve a happy life

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