My husband IS generally sick/ill with something most of the time?

Who wants to have sex with someone who complains constantly?! Not anyone here.

Thank God I'm not alone! Doesn't make it any less hard, but at least I know I'm not crazy! My husband (33yrs) works a swing shift, so I do understand that it's taxing on his body to do 2 weeks of nights and then switch to 2 weeks of days, but the kicker is that he only works 7 out of 14 days...he will work 2, off 2, work 3, off 2 etc., so he gets more days off than the average person. On his days off (coincidentally?) he constantly complains that his stomach hurts, or that he didn't sleep, or that he has a headache, giving him an excuse to lay around and watch television or play video games rather than help out around the house. (When I was younger if you were too sick to go to school you were too sick to play video games all day...but how do I implement that rule with a grown adult?!) At this point I feel I'd be better off with 2 children instead of my 1 child and a man-child -- at least then I could punish him for being lazy! He does have sleep apnea, but he was also doctor ordered to lose some weight, and he refuses to try. I've asked him to join me on walks or to do an exercise DVD with me and he wants nothing to do with it. He loves to complain, but doesn't ever DO anything to help himself. He uses these things as excuses not to play with our son or take him outside, to not have to go out of the house to grocery shop or do yard work, to not have to attend family events, or, if the family comes to us he will sit in the living room and be antisocial and claim he doesn't feel well...

With that said, he hardly ever gets anything done around the house, even when he sends our son to daycare on his days off so he can stay home and “clean”. Uh huh, his "cleaning" is maybe doing 2 partial loads of laundry-he will swap them out but then throw them on the bed and not fold or put them away-and unloading the dishwasher – things that I could have done in half an hour if I ever got that much time alone to myself. So, our son is at daycare so he can sit around and do next to nothing for 8 hours, 3-4 days a week. I work full time and go to school 2 nights a week, plus on the weeks that he's on night shift I play the role of a single mom, so I don't think it's asking too much to request some help getting s*** done! Ugh! I just want to scream "grow the f up!"

I'm exhausted- emotionally and physically. I feel hopeless and helpless. He knows how much it annoys me that our house is falling apart around us, so it feels like a slap in the face when he completely ignores my pleas for help or calls me a “nag” or “overdramatic” when I break down. And most of all it pisses me off and breaks my heart that he doesn’t want to spend time alone with our son – I would love to have the opportunity to stay home even one day a week with my little man! But my husband acts like it’s an inconvenience and he is too busy to be bothered. Ha.

God, please give me strength and patience, or I might end up getting a nice long vacation in a padded cell!

If he keeps working those differing shifts you will get a vacation from him much sooner than you expect. Recent studies have shown that working constantly changing shifts is about the worst thing you can do. Next would be the night shift. Actually the swing shift (3 to 11 or 4 to 12) is likely the best shift for most people. The first or day shift is not as good as it usually requires getting up too early.

If you can persuade him to get on a regular shift you may see a big change in his attitude.

compassionate ? Where is your compassion for her situation

You ladies are all strong! I'm in a similar boat with my BF of a year and half. I love my guy, I never thought that I would find anyone whom I connected with so well. We're in our early 30's. I have my own condo, he lives at his parents home while his parents now live in L.A, No kids yet, some talk but nowhere near any of that yet. He told me he'd had kidney stones many times before, and was on a low oxalate diet. It started off with major kidney stones last year. He had 2 large ones and needed surgeries separately for both. He had to take percocet and a harsh antibiotic. 1st surgery was an incision procedures not December. Then the next one was a laser procedure In May. It wax supposed to be less invasive only he got a horrible allergic reaction to the antibiotic this time. I was luckily there to catch it and rushed him to emergency. All was fixed, but he had to take percs for a while longer for the pain. He started complaining about everything.. Shoulder, back, headache, can't poop, pooped too much, can't eat, hate food, heartburn... Coughing, spitting, Etc... And the list went on. He also got laid off during all that and has become sluggish, unmotivated and Just always has a reason for not doing things he should do. Not even going up the gym to strengthen his back which he pulled out while literally Plsying video games and sleeping in. But then his mom got a kidney stone and came back from L.A for her operation... But it got postponed and she ended up staying longer.. 2 months longer... And I'm worried... Because as sympathetic as I am and as strong and patient and supportive as I've been... I feel as though his mom and him both have a tendency to speak of their illnesses... A lot.. Its practically all I hear about.. See, I'm a strong believer in those who speak of illness get more illness and those who speak of health get more health and happiness and it's come to a point where I'm no longer as sympathetic and just annoyed and constantly worrying and sick of always always always hearing things like this hurts, or not feeling well or my moms not feeling well. It's almost like they are feeding off of each others illnesses... And yeah.. My relationship and even my mental state are deteriorating... I love him.. But I don't know what to do anymore.. And I just want him to be healthy and happy. I want us to be able to move up and on with our lives and be able to have an adult relationship.. But his constant complaining and unmotivated attitude are really holding us back from moving forward.. What do I do?? I just I honestly thought of that I was alone in feeling this way. It's reliving to know I'm not alone! :(

I am so glad I found this site. I am feeling very resentful toward my husband. He is 40 years old, is overweight, suffers from insomnia, restless leg syndrome, depression and seems to get hurt a lot. He can sleep for 12-14 hours at a time. He rarely helps around the house. I have to nag or blow up to get him to help with laundry or dinner. He will huff when I ask him but he does help for a little while. Shouldn't my "partner" be just that! A partner? He is a school administrator and I am a teacher. He does not have to bring work home, however, I bring work home several nights a week. We have a 12, 10, and 8 year old who need to be fed and reminded to bathe (and wash hair as they "forget") and get in bed on time. I get them up and finished getting ready for school while he sleeps in until we leave (he doesn't have to be there until 8 while we have to be at school at 7:25.) He misses church often because he is too tired or says he is running a fever. I told him to see a doctor to get a sleep test done. He says no. He just needs to lose weight. He never does. He somehow hurt his rotator cuff 5 years ago and had surgery. Three years ago he fell off of a lawn chair when he was hanging a birdhouse for his mom. This required surgery on his ankle but did not heal properly. He required yet another surgery a year later. Last month, he was standing on a ladder and fell off which cause him to hurt his ribs. He could barely move for days. At Christmas, he finally quit complaining about his ribs hurting. I took the kids to my parents house 2 hours away and he was supposed to meet us there after his follow up doctor appointment for his ribs. He let the dogs out after he got home from the doctor and stepped wrong and apparently hurt his ankle AGAIN. He did not join us for Christmas as he said it hurt to put weight on it. When we returned home 2 days later he sat on the couch watching TV for 13 hours straight. I mow the front and back yard by myself as he says he doesn't enjoy doing that. The kids are getting old enough to help some. I painted 3/4 of the outside of my house by my self four years ago, during a heatwave, because he says he doesn't enjoy doing that stuff. I do? And in 104 degrees? I stripped varnish and painted the kids bedrooms this past summer AND had to finally pay a teenager to come help me as I was running out of time before the kids returned because he was always "busy" or not feeling well. Because the teen worked for several days, I paid him $100. My husband was in the room and said, "Wow, I would have done that for $100". I blew up (unfortunately in front of the teen, "You would have had $100 if I didn't have to pay someone else to help me". There are many projects around the house that are getting worse because they aren't getting attended to and I don't have extra money to pay anyone to fix them and I don't have the time or skill level for all of them. My husband cries out loud because our marriage is very rocky because of all of this but his crying only irritates me. Does that make me a bad wife?

Wow sounds JUST like my husband! He does suffer from severe migraines but if not that it's always something! Like you mentioned his neck, back, tingling in arms, legs, always tired, or vomitting, sore throat & so on. I suggest things & Drs to try but keeps putting off. I do think I need to be more sympathetic at times but this has been going on for years & we have 4 children! I'm tired of him always being in bed & feeling like a single mom. Then when isn't sick still feel like no help. I have 2 preschoolers, a baby & teenager & 1 with special needs so I'm beyond exhausted! He just started a new job & don't see how he can keep it with being sick all the time! Glad I'm not alone! I do have a heart & I never bother him when he just goes to bed all the time but somethings gotta give!

OMG this sounds just like my hubby of 13 years.....

Not a single day goes by that my husband doesn't complain about a body part hurting or he thinks he has colon cancer or his gall bladder is bad or his liver is clogged or his kidneys are shutting down... He's had all these things checked and turns out he's perfectly healthy... We spent a fortune for him to know that he's perfectly fine 4 times, same test only to reveal he has anxiety.. We have four kids together, married for 14 years. It's made my life so hard, I do everything alone because he's always to sick. Yesterday he said his leg went numb driving and he had no control over it, this morning he said his bowel movement wasn't the right color (wanted to show me) and everything is going straight through him. I have to fix separate meals for fear of him getting sick if he eats what the rest of us eats.. He tells me daily that he's so ill, another thing, if someone says they have a sore throat he miraculously develops a sore throat or if I cough he says you think your sick I've had it all week! No matter what it is, he has it. I sound like a witch I know, I don't care, it's making me miserable. He's not sick physically, he's sick mentally and won't take his mess for it because guess why???? They make him sick..... and it's making me crazy!!!! I don't know what posting my rant will solve other than showing all you strangers that my life sucks. The end.

Omg.. We have the same life.

Dump him today! It never gets any better.

Well at least he makes money try having someone addicted to pot never really worked or looked after his health teeth rotting out of his head diabetic unemployed controlling grumpy . I finally took some time off work cause I have to have a histeractemy and now he's falling apart at the seems with toothache heart pains leg pains ect.... We are raising our granddaughter cause our kids are so screwed up from him being on crack and not working when they were young and me working my ass off only to be robbed blind . I don't even want to go on I'm 48 and life has been pure sh*t my youngest is probably going to prison at the end of the month and my oldest hooked on Valium and methadone so what do you think of that

I feel for all of you. I am in a similar situation. We have been married for 39 years. He did police work for 13 years but is now disabled (since 2002) due to Fibromyalgia, PTSD, back pain, etc. Now suffering from severe insomnia due to withdrawal from benzodiazepines....they cause dementia, which no doctor ever bothered to tell us, and he was using them for 10 years. He is totally self-absorbed in his own suffering. He has always put himself and his hobbies ahead of me and our children, now grown. But now that he has real health issues that is his whole life and identity, it seems. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last summer it was almost like he resented me for stealing his spotlight. He did not show much compassion or concern. But one night he turned over in bed and said, "You'd better not die on me.". Sometimes I feel like that would be better than living with him. I feel like he wants me to wait on him and be a mother figure (which I really resent). No wonder I am craving attention from co-workers. Life seems very hard and unfair at times. But I don't have the heart to leave him.

Hi
Can I ask your symptoms of Lyme disease please.
I have just come across this thread. It's amazing. As I thought I must be a horrible person for the way I feel about my husband. He's been what feels like 'ill' for 8 years. A whole mix of things, but I wonder if it could be this?

Feel for you all darlings. You are living my life and i am at my wits end with it all. My husband is always ill, has been for 30 years. A hard worker and successful but ill when around me all the time. No interest in me or the kids and we have 3, two grown up. He has heart and lung condition but seems well enough when he wants to be. Thanks for not making me feel mean as i am not at all sympathetic and feel a b***h but am totally coping alone with all responsibility of full time property developing, home and 3 kids. Mum just died, she needed me too but was not there for her as i should have been. Sister died of breast cancer she was my best friend, now gone. Love my life, love my kids but hate dependence of husband who makes me feel so inadequate all of the time. Whatever i do is not enough. I try to bring in routine but he wont follow it. I try to do everything all of the time but yesterday gave up - went to bed instead of making dinner. Stuff them. He was helpless and offered me a cup of tea in the kitchen - I realised he really just wanted me back to deal with things and resisted. Going to work weekends now to get away as can work with music on and use time to think about my life and what i want. Fantasize life alone but reality is i still love him as you all seem to love your husbands. We don't want to be mothers, but wives and like you all, every time i try to talk he calls me a nag. Doing my best here holding it all together for the kids, for work, for home but wake up 4am worried and stressed about it all and about coping if he dies from his illness. Feel scared and frightened most of the time. Learning to break away from the hold he has over me. Be more independent they don't like that at all. My probs stem from him wanting me to abort our child 30 years ago and like an id**t i did. Will never forgive him. Have 3 beautiful sons now and life could be great if he was different but he withdraws from us all, all of the time unless we are doing something he wants to join in. Feel he is taking advantage of me. Totally self obsessed and absorbed. Have you read about personality disorders in men? those that are controlling - is this behaviour controlling? he has only seemed to withdraw now I am becoming more independent. He used to be angry all the time and is fairly abusive. Realise girls, as I have, it is HIM with the problem not you. Difficult i know as we love them but don't we really deserve more?

Unsure when husband is genuinely ill or when he is avoiding tasks. Has no real interest in doing things around the house or for me. Could be depression. We argue a lot, especially weekends if we are both home and he wants to 'relax' but i am so stressed at all the chores that need doing and also all the work we need to do in our development that he has refused to properly engage with. He will not take responsibility for anything and i am sick of it. I need a break

Maria