Hi there,
Sorry if this might be a bit heavy.
I'm a 26 year old virgin. Not for religious reasons, I just avoided dating guys for a long while. I had some sort of a repressed childhood trauma that I suddenly remembered as a teen. I really didn't like being touched back then, so after an unpleasant date I took a long break from dating and just recently started dating again.
About a week ago I met a nice man who's 11 years older than me. He's divorced with kids, which really doesn't fit my profile of potential partner. However, he's quite attracted to me and knowing I'm a virgin he offered we'd try it out together. Not necessarily as a couple, as he knows how I feel about that, but maybe have a little romance. I told him I'll think about it. He also said we can stay friends if I'm not into it.. We've got some things in common and have nice conversations.
I'm not sure if I should go for it, just to try it out and not feel as inexperienced as I actually am. Maybe have a little fun, who knows? I'm really scared my old trauma will get back at me for not dealing with it all these years, and I'll have a meltdown or just feel awful during the whole thing. Some part of me hopes sleeping with him will just "cure" it, I'll see it can be nice and not awful and I'll be alright.
I'm also thinking of going to therapy to deal with this issue of mine, I went last year and when it was time to bring it up I couldn't talk about it. It feels too weird for me to even mention the subject out loud, and I really don't want to discuss this or sex with my old therapist, as lovely as she is.
Not sure if I've got a specific question in mind, but I'd love to hear your thoughts. I will mention though that I'm not sure if I see the point of "waiting for the right guy" anymore. I don't think I've been saving myself all these years, I was just avoiding everything for a different reason.
Thanks for listening,
Cammie.
What im going to say is if i was you i would wait till you do meet that your really want to be with and feel love for because i think it will make the whole situation of having sex a lot better if you both feel the same about each other and if you trust that special guy enough to tell him about your part if will understand and not rush you into doing something you dont want to.
This older guy did he want to get together with you before he knew you was a virgin because to me i think that is the only reason he wants you hun.
Sorry to be so negative about it but hope it help you decided :-)
Thanks for your reply.
And yes, he was interested before he knew I was a virgin.
Your first time is something your always remember so if you regret it after your always think of it as a mistake hun that's why its always best to be sure your making the right decision.
Im not trying to tell you not to just trying to make you see it in a different point of view, whether you go through with it is upto you.
You ask around other girls who had sex early and wished they hadn't and waited till they met that special person.
Hope this is more help hun
Hey. Good for you that you managed to keep your virginity for 26 years, despite the reason for doing so.
Dating an older guy is different compared to a younger guy. When I was 13 I met a guy who was 22.. He was mature but kind and gentle. I'd say you should go for it. Who knows what might happen :) And whenever your trauma memories come back, talk to yourself in your head saying you're better than reliving the trauma, and think of something else, positive and nice. If you ever want a chat just message me :)
Oh and yes, therapy is a good idea :) Good luck!
Dear Cammie
Are you sure you want to lose your virginity to a man who you say "really doesn't fit my profile of potential partner". Surely you value yourself more than that.
Losing your virginity is a major step. You cannot undo that. You will never be a virgin again. Once you have lost your virginity, you cannot regain it. He may seem nice, but his offer to take your virginity as a "try it out together" means he neither values sexual intercourse nor you, and is playing on your vulnerabilities. He's using you for his own gratification.
So many girls who lose their virginity, particularly when no real love exists, regret it. Although you say I'm not sure if I see the point of "waiting for the right guy" anymore, whyjust go with any guy? The point of "waiting for the right guy" is that you have something special to offer him - your virginity. Those who have lost their virginity no longer have that option. They cannot have now what you still have - your virginity. Value it - with pride.
Sexual intercourse is not just an intimate activity, nor just the most intimate activity, but a bonding action. You'll never view him the same afterwards. Do you want to be bonded to this man?
Going from a fear of the simplest of touch to engaging in the most intimate and intense of connection is not only foolhardy, but highly risky. Don't do it!!!
Hi,
I never thought of it as a bonding action, and I really think in our society virginity isn't really something to be proud of anymore. However, I do think it might be too risky for me to jump from fearing touch to sleeping with someone.. I'll probably won't be able to go through with it when the moment will come, at least not with this guy.
Thanks for your reply.
You might not think it now but the first time you have sex whether your male or female will stay with you forever and can change the way you view sex.
Thanks again.. I'll probably won't do it and just wait for someone else I'd actually care about.
Let's hope it won't be too long until that someone shows up.
I hope all works out for you and that you find that special person :-)
If you have a problem and want to talk send me a message and i will be happy to help or just talk hun.
Hi there I am new to this but Cammie you should value your decision to remain a virgin. as for doing it I have to agree if you are having any apprehension then this may not be the time or the guy. when u find the right guy he will make you comfortable enough to deal with what has happened to you in the past and he wont pressure you. I was 15 my first time and I dont regret my decision I do regret the guy. Therapy may help and just explain to the Dr. that it will take time to be able to talk about that time in your life. I t will most likely be a long process but if your sure and stick with it maybe it will help you.
Thanks.
I called my therapist's office a few days ago and I'm waiting for her to call me back to set an appointment. I hope it'll go better this time, last year she helped me with something else but I couldn't bring myself to say anything about that subject.
About the guy, I think that the fact we already talked about sex sort of ruined the chances that something will actually happen between us, as I do think it's something that should come up naturally during a relationship and not be a starting point to one.
Value your virginity cammie, its really something to be proud off! infact your just 26 years old so do have alil patience and wait for the right and perfect guy that you are willing to loose your valuable virgin for him and you wont regret either! So think not only twice but thrice and even more before you go into you jump into have sex with some guy who already have kids and value you too... thats just my opinon and whatever happens, happens so GOODLUCK :)...