My husband & I have been living in a loveless, sexless marriage for 9 years (not even a cuddle) I am 48yrs old surely I have a right to feel loved? should I move on and look for happiness? any advice please.
ABSOLUTLY...... Listen, i was in a marraige for 11 years, the last 5 sucked. No sex, no conversation, no touches, no hugs, nothing. He went about his business like everything was just hunky dorey! NOT. My situation may differ from yours because i found out he was seeing another women 30 years younger than him. I didn't learn about that one until my decision was pretty much made anyway. I got all my ducks in a row and dropped the bomb on him. He looked like a deer in a headlight when i told him i was "OUT" 2 weeks after that i moved into my own apartment.
Fast forward to January of 09, i left him September of 08.
I met the man of my dreams, and married him in January of 2010. I could not have been blessed more. He is attentive, charming, loving, sweet, romantic, sexy, warm, honest, reliable, considerate....the list is endless. I was 52 when all this c**p went down, i will be 55 this december. It was a whirlwind relationship but i would not have done it any different. You can go to all the counselors you want.....blah, blah, blah is all you get. You will get a bunch of empty promises and false assurance's from your husband once you tell him the news. IF and only IF you can believe him, give it another shot but you know him better than anyone else.
I tossed my decision around a few times prior to making it final and tried to be loving and careing towards him, but it got to the point where i just couldn't stand to even breath the same air he did. I did what i was supposed to do around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, keeping the business going for him, (he is a business man) but it was robotical. I did it bc i didn't want to cause an argument but i was secretly planning my move. I socked some money away and planned everything out. I even went to Vegas with my daughter, with HIS money! I did not care anymore at all. Honestly, being in the same room with him made my skin crawl.
I don't care how old you are. If you are driven and motivated to be happy, 48 years old is nothing. I never expected to find my husband, i wasn't even looking, he just "appeared" and it was on from there. You are capable of love and you want and deserve to get the same in return. Don't stay in a marraige for convenience and security either. Get yourself a job, if you don't already have one. Don't pay attention to what people will say, oh yes, someone will ALWAYS have something to say, screw them, period. I don't know your husband so i can not pass judgement, but it's your turn now. Like i said, talk to him and tell him what's up, maybe he will change, maybe he won't, but if your not feeling it, then it's time for you to move on. I do not advacate divorce, i think marraige is a beautiful thing, but it goes both ways.
When you say, should you move on and look for happiness? Happiness comes in a million forms, not only with a partner. Happiness is waking up in the morning, BY YOURSELF, and loving it, happiness is not feeling hemmed in and lonely, even tho your alone, it's holding your head up as high as you can get it, being confident, and loving yourself. It's a wonderful feeling to not have to launder his underware anymore or have dinner on the table at a certain time, or else. It feels great to buy yourself some new lingerie, and wear it for "nobody"....lol
Then, out of nowhere, happiness shows up in the form of another. Once you have been on your own for a while, you will have rebuilt your self esteem and you may or may not want to love again. You just may love your single life or your just dying to share yourself with someone who wants the same as you. I say, go for it, i did. I DO NOT regret what i did nor do i ever wish that i was alone now that i have found my husband. He makes every day worth it and i can't wait to see him at the end of a work day. We have dinner together, we laugh, we take baths together, we go and do stuff all the time together, and at the end of the day, he is the first person to my right, and he always will be. He always has my back and defends me, even in the simpleist predicaments. That is love my friend, there is no greater feeling than that.
You're reply describes just how I feel in this relationship I think I have only stayed so long for fear of what people will think of me if I left.
Please keep intouch in need of a friend right now xx
Dear Liberty,
Keep your head up and pay NO attention to what anyone will say. You will hear a lot of negative feedback, but people seem to thrive on the juicy gossip that is happening at the time. They fail to look into their own backyards, ya know? I stayed in my marraige bc i didn't want to have to be on my own at my age, but i know that is bs. I am perfectly capable to work, to live alone, to drive my car, to make decisions, to paybills and do anything that anyone else can do. I kept telling myself to stay,try to work on it, be nice, basically kiss his ass....for what? Don't consider him "your other half" that half is weighing you down for sure. Set a target date for yourself and do what ever you can to stick to it. Say like...Thanksgiving, as you will have a lot to be thankful for. I made my decision in June and was out by October 1st, 4 months later, but i needed to save some money and look for an apartment. I got rid of "the poor me" c**p and became a warrior. I found a job out side of the home, as i ran his business for 11 years in the house, i also started to skim money from the grocery bill, i know that sounds tacky but...hey, every man for himself! If you manage the household money, there is a way to hide a 20 dollar bill a couple times a week. I even saved soda bottles and cans and when i cashed them in i had over 30 bucks, that is gas money, right? It's not a lot of money but when you hide it away over time, you have a good chunk eventually.
My little apartment was 550.00 a month, my utilities were 80.00 a month, groceries for me and my daughter ranged any where from 45.00 a week to 90.00, depending on if we had to buy paper towels, toilet paper, hair c**p, lotions, cold meds...blah blah blah! He eventually signed the jeep over to me and then i had insurance, Geico is the cheapest for me. I was able to go out, to the mall, out with girlfriends, out with my kids, just out anywhere with no time limit, it was wonderful. The divorce was easy, tho i could have gone to court, i chose not to. I got some money in a settlement and i could have gone after the business and got more, but all i wanted was a couple of bucks and my beloved freedom, which i got.
So...first things first for you, one baby step at a time. Most important is supporting yourself. Minimum wage will get you a little apartment, check out your local Department of Social Services. I know, it is a little welfare but.........you are not going to live on it forever. They will give you food stamps and medical insurance if you need it. I got stamps for about 6 months, then i went off as i could now pay my own way. They let me keep the medical insurance for a year after that. Before you apply for social services, make sure you have a job,they will supplement your income and you will be fine.
Have you had any job offers as of yet? Take whatever you can get. Do you have any college background or special training? If not, so what. Work at McDonalds and take on line college courses. Grand Canyon University has a wonderful on line college course. You can apply for FAFSA, which is a grant for school. They pay your first semester and give you money besides. My daughter got her semester paid for and a check for 5,000.00 dollars. It was her decision if she wanted to keep it or not. Every school year you reapply and they continue to pay for your education, plus give you expenses!
I gotta run right now...grocery shopping is waiting. Please let me know what your doing, what is your next plan of attack? I am alays around here somewhere, you will have no problem finding me. Keep in touch friend.
Just checking in on you. You haven't bben around for a few days, is everything ok?