Hi , just wondering if anyone will ever speak to me again. I feel really awful, hot and cold, and had lots of diahorrehea( sorry cant spell). I just feel ill, overanlysing everything, and so upset.I just need a good cry, and a good sleep. Mum rang, coming over tomorrow , I love her, but I am so tired of everything. I want to be ale to write my own essay, apllication form , do ,y own thing without her help-is that so wrong? If she is going to be so apart of my life then why does she not listen to me? Hmm, really feel like a bull in a china shop sometimes. targetting the ones most closest and dearest to me. So lonely, fed up, I really just want a day in bed. my throat hurts and its not that badbut I am going hot and cold-though it want kill me ( i am sure) tonsils look very red, but dont htink they are that bad. Anyway, just wanted to talk.
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Sorry I haven't been on here in awhile
I went through a period of depression, and i got to where I was sleeping about 20 hours a day...
Boy, where do I start? First off, about my mom (fybromyalgia) it's some weird disease that doctors still cannot really explain what it is, how you get it ect... What they do seem to know is, it is genetic to some degree (oh God) and when someone comes in complaining of chronic pain everywhere, and they fail every test the doc runs on em, they have fybromyalgia...(kinda screwy way to make a diagnosis) But anyway, in years down the road, it eventually makes your muscles break down, causing excruciating pain, and you go crippled....
Man, not something to look foward too, as I fear I already have symptoms myself!! Anyway, I know exactly what you mean about rambling (do it myself) and looking up wondering where the hell you are in a thought and thinking, this sh*t just doesn't make since!! (welcome to my life, lol) Anyway, I am sorry that I cannot think of any great words of encouragement today, this depression thing is really bringing me down, and kicking me in the face. From what I have told you, you can see how bad a relationship I was having, and where it was leading.... But like I told you, I didn't wanna take up so much time and space, and that wasn't anywhere near half (more like a tenth) Even though I know (still hope) I made the right decision, I still love her, and the kids. All the time I sit there and think if I try hard enough, we can work it out!! Then I have to remember that I've been trying that for months and nothing has gotten better, maybe even worse. And to tell you the truth, feel bad about it, kinda wanna laugh at the same time, but it's another thing I've been thinkin about for months, that when I have my own children, I don't want her genes f*****g up my kids!! A really horrible thing to say.... but truth
Anyway, not sure what to say about your mum, I think you just have to find out what works best for you, in finding out how to ignore her faults and such. I'm really not even sure how I did it, unless it has something to do with moving out, and not having her constantly nagging at me... might also have something to do with seeing my ex's mother in action so to speak. When I first met her, and moved in with them, about a year ago, I thought she was amazing. She so obviously loves her daughter and takes an active role in her life (something my mother never did) and she even helped me out all the time. She gave me a job workin where she was the manager of a fast-food place, gave me a raise, whatever hours I wanted, I was the lead person in the kitchen, and worked real hard right along beside me during rush hours, and all the dirty jobs. She always threw her weight in right alongside mine. It was kool, and after work, we would go home, and I would help out around the house, her mom would pitch in, cook awesome huge meals all the time (she cooked great! and I may be skinny, but I can eat more than any three people, I love to eat!!) and helped out with taxes, will not say anything, but that I was surprised on how much everybody got back, she helped on daughter's, son's husband's, daughter in law, cousin, ex-husband,...everybody.
Anyway, basically here is a woman who has the same disease my mom has, (fybromyalgia) and gets along great! She helps children with everything, goes out n drinks all night, comes home to work ass off at job, then again at home, cooks fit for a king, does so much else, and not even tired (except her knee bothers her at end of really long day, because she had surgery on it twice, she messed up her knee at work and refused to go home becuase they needed her help, so she made it worse, then went right back to work the day after surgery after bein told don't even walk for a week. She did that after both surgeries....wow!!!) she seems to be everything that my mom is not!! But then I noticed she was a manipulative, calculating b***h and only did half what she did because it improved her reputation and helped herself in someway, like giving her a handhold, I did this for you, so do this for me!! Also, she never seemed to do do anything really big or taxing when nobody was watching, especially for her daughter, my ex. Especially as of late, more and more, she would demand her daughter do outrageous stuff for her, because she was tired (maybe it was her fybromyalgia, but I think she was just ready to kick her daughter and two grand-children out cuz it was too much work) And she started bitchin at me all the time, demanding more and more work from me around a house that I didn't live in anymore, in fact, told me I couldn't even spend the night anymore, (some BS about needing to go back to college, ect.. even during christmas break!!) and got pissed as hell when I accidentally forgot to take out the trash, and God forbid, she had to take her own trash the ten whole feet to her own damned dumpster!!!!
Sorry, I am rambling now, just wanted to see how you were doing, and let you know, that I haven't forgotten, and I will always be glad to talk to you.
Take care Dafty
I went through a period of depression, and i got to where I was sleeping about 20 hours a day...
Boy, where do I start? First off, about my mom (fybromyalgia) it's some weird disease that doctors still cannot really explain what it is, how you get it ect... What they do seem to know is, it is genetic to some degree (oh God) and when someone comes in complaining of chronic pain everywhere, and they fail every test the doc runs on em, they have fybromyalgia...(kinda screwy way to make a diagnosis) But anyway, in years down the road, it eventually makes your muscles break down, causing excruciating pain, and you go crippled....
Man, not something to look foward too, as I fear I already have symptoms myself!! Anyway, I know exactly what you mean about rambling (do it myself) and looking up wondering where the hell you are in a thought and thinking, this sh*t just doesn't make since!! (welcome to my life, lol) Anyway, I am sorry that I cannot think of any great words of encouragement today, this depression thing is really bringing me down, and kicking me in the face. From what I have told you, you can see how bad a relationship I was having, and where it was leading.... But like I told you, I didn't wanna take up so much time and space, and that wasn't anywhere near half (more like a tenth) Even though I know (still hope) I made the right decision, I still love her, and the kids. All the time I sit there and think if I try hard enough, we can work it out!! Then I have to remember that I've been trying that for months and nothing has gotten better, maybe even worse. And to tell you the truth, feel bad about it, kinda wanna laugh at the same time, but it's another thing I've been thinkin about for months, that when I have my own children, I don't want her genes f*****g up my kids!! A really horrible thing to say.... but truth
Anyway, not sure what to say about your mum, I think you just have to find out what works best for you, in finding out how to ignore her faults and such. I'm really not even sure how I did it, unless it has something to do with moving out, and not having her constantly nagging at me... might also have something to do with seeing my ex's mother in action so to speak. When I first met her, and moved in with them, about a year ago, I thought she was amazing. She so obviously loves her daughter and takes an active role in her life (something my mother never did) and she even helped me out all the time. She gave me a job workin where she was the manager of a fast-food place, gave me a raise, whatever hours I wanted, I was the lead person in the kitchen, and worked real hard right along beside me during rush hours, and all the dirty jobs. She always threw her weight in right alongside mine. It was kool, and after work, we would go home, and I would help out around the house, her mom would pitch in, cook awesome huge meals all the time (she cooked great! and I may be skinny, but I can eat more than any three people, I love to eat!!) and helped out with taxes, will not say anything, but that I was surprised on how much everybody got back, she helped on daughter's, son's husband's, daughter in law, cousin, ex-husband,...everybody.
Anyway, basically here is a woman who has the same disease my mom has, (fybromyalgia) and gets along great! She helps children with everything, goes out n drinks all night, comes home to work ass off at job, then again at home, cooks fit for a king, does so much else, and not even tired (except her knee bothers her at end of really long day, because she had surgery on it twice, she messed up her knee at work and refused to go home becuase they needed her help, so she made it worse, then went right back to work the day after surgery after bein told don't even walk for a week. She did that after both surgeries....wow!!!) she seems to be everything that my mom is not!! But then I noticed she was a manipulative, calculating b***h and only did half what she did because it improved her reputation and helped herself in someway, like giving her a handhold, I did this for you, so do this for me!! Also, she never seemed to do do anything really big or taxing when nobody was watching, especially for her daughter, my ex. Especially as of late, more and more, she would demand her daughter do outrageous stuff for her, because she was tired (maybe it was her fybromyalgia, but I think she was just ready to kick her daughter and two grand-children out cuz it was too much work) And she started bitchin at me all the time, demanding more and more work from me around a house that I didn't live in anymore, in fact, told me I couldn't even spend the night anymore, (some BS about needing to go back to college, ect.. even during christmas break!!) and got pissed as hell when I accidentally forgot to take out the trash, and God forbid, she had to take her own trash the ten whole feet to her own damned dumpster!!!!
Sorry, I am rambling now, just wanted to see how you were doing, and let you know, that I haven't forgotten, and I will always be glad to talk to you.
Take care Dafty
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yesterday was our one year aniversary, and tommorrow is her birthday....
What the hell do I do???? Im drunk as helll, gotten into two fights over nothing already, wanna go just talk to her.... wanna have sex with her, wanna just hear everything is okk......haven't had sex in about two weeks, ready to just go with the next person who asks for its.... I cant frikkin thingk!!!! Im so drunk can hardly remember my name!!! Im lozin it!!! I'm outa control!!! I don't know what to do!! God help me, i'm goin insane!!!! I don't even know what Im' doin but something..... I'm so tired, and i just wanna cry... dafty,,, do you ever feel this way?? My friend, what can I do??? I just wanna forget her, and I don't nkow how.. *sob* I want to help those children who cry day in and day out without me, who have know one to teach tehm wat they need. I havnt told you, but thier parents have only managed to teach the oldest the word sh*t. I have taught her countless things, from wall, to socks, to shoe and so forth, I love those kids and they deserve better than those worthless parents who cant do sh*t for them, and What doi I deserve?? I need love, i need to be needed, I need more muther frikkin alcohol!!! cant.... i dont know what, but help me my friend, I am lost......................
What the hell do I do???? Im drunk as helll, gotten into two fights over nothing already, wanna go just talk to her.... wanna have sex with her, wanna just hear everything is okk......haven't had sex in about two weeks, ready to just go with the next person who asks for its.... I cant frikkin thingk!!!! Im so drunk can hardly remember my name!!! Im lozin it!!! I'm outa control!!! I don't know what to do!! God help me, i'm goin insane!!!! I don't even know what Im' doin but something..... I'm so tired, and i just wanna cry... dafty,,, do you ever feel this way?? My friend, what can I do??? I just wanna forget her, and I don't nkow how.. *sob* I want to help those children who cry day in and day out without me, who have know one to teach tehm wat they need. I havnt told you, but thier parents have only managed to teach the oldest the word sh*t. I have taught her countless things, from wall, to socks, to shoe and so forth, I love those kids and they deserve better than those worthless parents who cant do sh*t for them, and What doi I deserve?? I need love, i need to be needed, I need more muther frikkin alcohol!!! cant.... i dont know what, but help me my friend, I am lost......................
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What the f**k do I do?????? I'm tiredx, think im bouta pasz out, goin to sleep, r u wake? what do i do? im not even sure where i am, of courese me dorm room, but where???????????/// im so lost, god help me what do i do to forget her, y am i constangly thininkin bout her? HELT MEE!!!!
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Jack, i dont really know what to say to you. One thing that freals me out is that you drink too, Me to. Ive tried to stop and I cant. I cant sleep. I dont get drunk like a skunk anymore, i just have enough so I can sleep, but sometimes I cant sleep and thats when I get up and smell of it and oh yuck, I hate alcohol. But I just cant relax, Ive never been able to, even as a youngster. Ive removed sugar and allsorts from my diet and then I cant get up cause I need sugar ( then again alcohol has sugar in it a,nd so on) Sorry wwrists are sore today and I am stressing as mum is coming over.
Dobt sell yourself chaep, dont take anything tha comes your way , open your eyes and try and see what you want from a partner.
I am beginning to think I dbe better of without. It freaks me out the way people talk about sex ( sorry the word now makes me cringe) Sorry but it does, It even makes me gag. I used to be close to my partner, and all that stuff, now there is no way no way, I dont think I could ever trust a guy again to get involved like that. I even frind affection difficult and all that, but sometimes I crave for it, I guess its part of what gets me down to, Sometimes I just want a hug a hug that means something more than just a quick clip round the shoulders or a cheepa on the cheek. I am incapable of loving like that ( thank god) and cant believe I even talk about it I must admit I get a bit freaked when I hear people talk like they need it.
Anyway, thank god I am off that subject, yes your not alone with the drink, sometimes I can only have 2 glasses of wineand my head is on the table and I cant speak.Other times I can have a bottle and a half of wine and I am the party queen.
My daughter couldnt sleep last night and she did something which really disturbed me. I didnt say anything and know what she did is perfectly natural, but ijust get ( almost like a jealous thing) Almost like shes so lucky has her whole life to live etc..,,,,and then think that thats wrong and then I was in a foul mood.
My partner came home last night and had a gift for me, But I was feling too sick and had drank some cough medicine which made me shake as though Id taken a jelly ( not that I ever have or would even know whta thatstuff is like)anyway, iam still in a very bad mood that I cant quite shake.
You say more about your ex, ,,,,,,I think its good that you still admit to loving her, yet know its not for the best ( an admit that)...I am in a similar situation but cant admit it( I guess) I dont want my children to have the same llife or anything like I had, though on the same note, I was never without anything ( material) and sometimes I wonder how on earth we make ends meet)
Found out my partner has saving , he want tell me how much and that sanother nail in the coffin, then again I thik ah well its not lie hes really bothered whether he has me or not,,,and hes good with the children,,,sometimes I asm not ( bit like your ex) Maybe her mum was too much of a showboating interfering, overbearing type for her daughter,...in the end that can totallyf@@@ck you up.( Lets face itm, thats what parents are good at) and also children will always seek to find that thing they ve not got...whats not perfect in their live, no matter how damn hard we try to give them better than what we think is better and all that .
Keep gettin a really sore side and having runs again. Black turnadoos, yup,,,,best way to describe it, Though Ive had everything checked and it all seems to be tickety boo. So not going to worry .
Ove lost the thread of what I wanted to say to you.Ill come beck later...hope you okay, Dafty
Dobt sell yourself chaep, dont take anything tha comes your way , open your eyes and try and see what you want from a partner.
I am beginning to think I dbe better of without. It freaks me out the way people talk about sex ( sorry the word now makes me cringe) Sorry but it does, It even makes me gag. I used to be close to my partner, and all that stuff, now there is no way no way, I dont think I could ever trust a guy again to get involved like that. I even frind affection difficult and all that, but sometimes I crave for it, I guess its part of what gets me down to, Sometimes I just want a hug a hug that means something more than just a quick clip round the shoulders or a cheepa on the cheek. I am incapable of loving like that ( thank god) and cant believe I even talk about it I must admit I get a bit freaked when I hear people talk like they need it.
Anyway, thank god I am off that subject, yes your not alone with the drink, sometimes I can only have 2 glasses of wineand my head is on the table and I cant speak.Other times I can have a bottle and a half of wine and I am the party queen.
My daughter couldnt sleep last night and she did something which really disturbed me. I didnt say anything and know what she did is perfectly natural, but ijust get ( almost like a jealous thing) Almost like shes so lucky has her whole life to live etc..,,,,and then think that thats wrong and then I was in a foul mood.
My partner came home last night and had a gift for me, But I was feling too sick and had drank some cough medicine which made me shake as though Id taken a jelly ( not that I ever have or would even know whta thatstuff is like)anyway, iam still in a very bad mood that I cant quite shake.
You say more about your ex, ,,,,,,I think its good that you still admit to loving her, yet know its not for the best ( an admit that)...I am in a similar situation but cant admit it( I guess) I dont want my children to have the same llife or anything like I had, though on the same note, I was never without anything ( material) and sometimes I wonder how on earth we make ends meet)
Found out my partner has saving , he want tell me how much and that sanother nail in the coffin, then again I thik ah well its not lie hes really bothered whether he has me or not,,,and hes good with the children,,,sometimes I asm not ( bit like your ex) Maybe her mum was too much of a showboating interfering, overbearing type for her daughter,...in the end that can totallyf@@@ck you up.( Lets face itm, thats what parents are good at) and also children will always seek to find that thing they ve not got...whats not perfect in their live, no matter how damn hard we try to give them better than what we think is better and all that .
Keep gettin a really sore side and having runs again. Black turnadoos, yup,,,,best way to describe it, Though Ive had everything checked and it all seems to be tickety boo. So not going to worry .
Ove lost the thread of what I wanted to say to you.Ill come beck later...hope you okay, Dafty
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Mum turned up-and I was awful! Impatient, angry, I just kinda of want to talk to her and just basically tell her everything, but then wound up upset and feeling angry at the world. I think if i could just tell her some stuff...and if she would actually listen, and take me seriously, Id be a lot better. I just cant. It hurts that I cant.But I dont want to hurt her, and I feel like she has bee through a heck of a lot in her small lifetime. Life rushes passed us and then we are dead , whether we have enjoyed it ornot makes no relevance on the ones that do decide to love us.
Anyway, I am drinking again, because I dont know whats up with me. I have had 2 glasses of wine and I will have more. I just ...well I dont see myself as a victim...but I guess its be smouldering away in my wee head for a while and I was living on tender hooks, not really realising it either.
Having responsibility, the biggest responsibility , is sometimes the hardest thing to choose, but sometimes its the best. I knew when I had children that things would never be perfect, and I still wonder if I will ever achieve anything that I wished to achieve in my younger years. All these c**p jobs Ive been employed in are no breal for me either. I mean okay I think the one I have is okay, but I dont think I am a good team player or anything like it. I lie it as I get to meet other mums , but that about it..well that is apart from me spending too much, I keep buying myself clothes ...it maesme feel better to think I look better without having to try, but its not working. I dont feel better.
My eldest daughter is nearly nine now, she is very sensible, clever intelliegent, very very carin gand is very perceptive, and beatiful ( skin depp as well as thick skinned) Anyway, i am so very glad I have her. My youngest is lovely too, but I really worry about the sibling thing going on. As ssoon as I give the eldest some( any ) attention, shes puring orange juice everywhere, messing up her allready messed up room and just missbehaving. if i tell her off or ssay to her right, that it there will be no party for you tomorrow , she gets so upset and I find it extremely difficult to deal with. I am finding life difficult at the moment. i feel like a huge dissapointment, and that I am not coping at all well with my shildrens demands. I thought it was supposed to get easier, I dont know whats happened to me, because I am finding things much much harder.
I cant cry about things , I shant sdwell on them anymore, I am trying to improve what little I have, to make things better, but I feel so alone and I dont really know why ( after all this time)..
Anyway, jack52, I hope you okay, form a sturggling pal, dafty
Anyway, I am drinking again, because I dont know whats up with me. I have had 2 glasses of wine and I will have more. I just ...well I dont see myself as a victim...but I guess its be smouldering away in my wee head for a while and I was living on tender hooks, not really realising it either.
Having responsibility, the biggest responsibility , is sometimes the hardest thing to choose, but sometimes its the best. I knew when I had children that things would never be perfect, and I still wonder if I will ever achieve anything that I wished to achieve in my younger years. All these c**p jobs Ive been employed in are no breal for me either. I mean okay I think the one I have is okay, but I dont think I am a good team player or anything like it. I lie it as I get to meet other mums , but that about it..well that is apart from me spending too much, I keep buying myself clothes ...it maesme feel better to think I look better without having to try, but its not working. I dont feel better.
My eldest daughter is nearly nine now, she is very sensible, clever intelliegent, very very carin gand is very perceptive, and beatiful ( skin depp as well as thick skinned) Anyway, i am so very glad I have her. My youngest is lovely too, but I really worry about the sibling thing going on. As ssoon as I give the eldest some( any ) attention, shes puring orange juice everywhere, messing up her allready messed up room and just missbehaving. if i tell her off or ssay to her right, that it there will be no party for you tomorrow , she gets so upset and I find it extremely difficult to deal with. I am finding life difficult at the moment. i feel like a huge dissapointment, and that I am not coping at all well with my shildrens demands. I thought it was supposed to get easier, I dont know whats happened to me, because I am finding things much much harder.
I cant cry about things , I shant sdwell on them anymore, I am trying to improve what little I have, to make things better, but I feel so alone and I dont really know why ( after all this time)..
Anyway, jack52, I hope you okay, form a sturggling pal, dafty
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Okay, dont know why I am on here, Feeling really low , desperatein actual fact desperarte is about the best way to describe how I feel ( mind yu) all that wine I drank last night does not help.
Why am I writing htis..? I dont know? Should I be happy in this situation? Is this what I want? Or is this what I deserve? Is this it? Am I getting what I give? is this the respect I deserve? is this what I deserve? Am i an animal, a fat arsed sit and do nothing person? ( Yes, i am a bit lazy I guess, a bit fat a bit dumb sometimes) But I cant but help think, he has money why did he not take responsibility yesterday, and oh then there is the "there is no bread and there is no milk" and oh ....that attitude...theres a shop around the corner ...What doo you just sit and wait on it being delivered telepathically? pff...this guy watched me deliver his children ...yet, I think he thinks a stork flew down and then said:there you go son: Pff , honestly thats it, Ive had enough....he cant buy me back...I cant believe how stupid ive been thinking that this could work...then again, I feel guilty as I am the one that anxiously jumped into this relationship, I am the one that never listened to some of my good friends , that said:Get out: ( I rember thinking what an interfering cow, and you never came from a divorced aruing brutallising parent team whatever) and get stuffed and grrrr!!! Then I think this is my ADHD taking ove ...then I thik have I git that ? Have I? or is it his way of putting me down...knowing that its an easy target and so on ...is it? Am I lax a dasical am I ? I know right now I dont work hard enough....but this is my other argument and thats all this is ( arguments) .........
Okay. his job, does not fit arounf family life, is low paid and hes done nothing about his future never mind my childrens since the day I met hi,/
Okay, I ramblwee, feeling hungove, and fed up and really angry at hi,m... I cant help but think, this is my fault I should have got the bread and the milk yesterdauy and hje wouldnt have said a thing....I still sleep in a different bedroom, and I thank god hes at work tonight....But I cant cope with the children and fu.k what am I doing ? I sddont know what I am doing?
I came on here because I dont know and He told me to "shut up: and "go and sit on fat bottom and do nothing" I said shut up back ...which I do not normally do and followed by a rant about how there ashops here, and that ( what?)that hallloooo on top of his hsiny head needs a polish and blah blah blah.....but then its me thst sits and greets into her cup of coffee and its me that iss thinking, well ther is 2 decisions here, leave him and f@@@@ck up everything and be lonely and moodie and scared gfor the rest of my life, or. stay and fell lonely and ( worse ) mental mad, dont know whats going on , scared and watch my children get messed up....or go top me, go do it. I think I should No one likesd me, I am bitching about everybody else and whats the worst feeling is I created thtis situation had I dealt wqith all my sh*t in the passed then Id be okay now and things would not have got so bIts non returnable. I cant take my faulty self back so take it forrward remve this damaged good off this planet before its creates others, thats what happens,. as soo na s someone has been damdged they hurt someone else. They sd ont tknow where to place all that emotion .yes there is self harm etc, but then if you do that its like a silent torture and nonon e else can feel the pain ,. No on e can take the poain away, And even though other people get through siomilar stuff and feel dirty and feel worse than me,. I cant deal with the fact that I am now so screwed up I cant cope . I cant go on and I dont see the point.
My daughter just said it. (reversing my psychology) I used to think like her...yes "We are all equally important"
What????? On what planet? Jupiter? Then I think gosd it doesnt matter what I do ..its a mess nayway. Now I want to go back to bed and sleep andsleep , but I cant sleep I cant relax, I have a pile of dishes to fdo , and oh Ive washed all there clothes ready for sdscholl on ,mday and ( Oh boy, my toe hurts today) bloody thing...if I do live that will probably get chopped off and Ill have to hobble about ( if I am lucky trying to get his demands) Pants you know whaen we moved before and I had a what ? Was sge 16 months, No huin the firat time we moved she was only 3 months oh and my god there was no BASIL in the house, God the argument ...You are off work and you do nothing. ( oh yeah , thats apart from look after the 2yr old, the 3 month old, and dealing with the unpacking in an incredible place that had too many chairs and tables god and I accepted that ) pffff...... sorry..letting some steam out. I aal so accpet noew what he did to me last year ( is not right) I also accpet now, that he simply cant see that his behaviour is very victorian, dosent belong in this century....but its worse as he expects me to work like a woman in this century ...but yet I am a lazy wrinkly fat ugly cow.OOOOhh, Its like my friend once said"YOUD GET less time in prison: God, I now wish I had . Diont do it Katy dont do it, hes done enough damage!!!!
I keep thinking what if it was him who srtalked me? Ill never know. I must get those we notes from my friend ( hope shes still got them ) than I could check out the handwriting. No, no get that idea out your head, a hes to fasat, B0 to old. C) too clever....oh and then I actually have more sympathy for that guy who did what he did. he must have had his own fair share of pain or something that mad e mim tdo it.Why me? Why me? Why did it have to happen to me? You know whats weirtd about myinterpreatetion whats weird, was his hands was the positionin ng of his hands . Idont remeber the pain downstairs I dont remeber the physical pain. Okay it hurt a bit, it was bit like locking myself in the lou when I was 13 and this 18 year old guy weas trying his diry ty way with me, and gave me a big hickey on the neck. Id dint even know what that was ... what hwe was doing why I was there/ Why was I there> and so I locked myself in the lou the whole night. I cried when I got home. id lied to my mum about studying or something so I could go out with my friends ( thinking we were just going out for some fun) How naive am I?????//
Anyway, thats the image I cant get out my head, and its the image that comes back ....like when I shout.. I am actually screaming ( someone help me) .....but I am not allowed to be hears. Like, when that guy put his hands over my mouth to stop me screaming. Like the fact Ill have a long soak in the tub and go and get the bread and milk. I better go actually hell be back soon and Ill get it. Hopr you okay ...Sorry I am just releasing myself here, I know I am not helping you at all , but I jst though tgRRRR!!! I needed to as I dont really want to do me anym ore harm I dont want to thought the thoughts pop in eratically ocassionally and grrrr!!! ilove my children too much . But then I think I am just causesint\g them damage. i feel like I am a c**p mum!
Why am I writing htis..? I dont know? Should I be happy in this situation? Is this what I want? Or is this what I deserve? Is this it? Am I getting what I give? is this the respect I deserve? is this what I deserve? Am i an animal, a fat arsed sit and do nothing person? ( Yes, i am a bit lazy I guess, a bit fat a bit dumb sometimes) But I cant but help think, he has money why did he not take responsibility yesterday, and oh then there is the "there is no bread and there is no milk" and oh ....that attitude...theres a shop around the corner ...What doo you just sit and wait on it being delivered telepathically? pff...this guy watched me deliver his children ...yet, I think he thinks a stork flew down and then said:there you go son: Pff , honestly thats it, Ive had enough....he cant buy me back...I cant believe how stupid ive been thinking that this could work...then again, I feel guilty as I am the one that anxiously jumped into this relationship, I am the one that never listened to some of my good friends , that said:Get out: ( I rember thinking what an interfering cow, and you never came from a divorced aruing brutallising parent team whatever) and get stuffed and grrrr!!! Then I think this is my ADHD taking ove ...then I thik have I git that ? Have I? or is it his way of putting me down...knowing that its an easy target and so on ...is it? Am I lax a dasical am I ? I know right now I dont work hard enough....but this is my other argument and thats all this is ( arguments) .........
Okay. his job, does not fit arounf family life, is low paid and hes done nothing about his future never mind my childrens since the day I met hi,/
Okay, I ramblwee, feeling hungove, and fed up and really angry at hi,m... I cant help but think, this is my fault I should have got the bread and the milk yesterdauy and hje wouldnt have said a thing....I still sleep in a different bedroom, and I thank god hes at work tonight....But I cant cope with the children and fu.k what am I doing ? I sddont know what I am doing?
I came on here because I dont know and He told me to "shut up: and "go and sit on fat bottom and do nothing" I said shut up back ...which I do not normally do and followed by a rant about how there ashops here, and that ( what?)that hallloooo on top of his hsiny head needs a polish and blah blah blah.....but then its me thst sits and greets into her cup of coffee and its me that iss thinking, well ther is 2 decisions here, leave him and f@@@@ck up everything and be lonely and moodie and scared gfor the rest of my life, or. stay and fell lonely and ( worse ) mental mad, dont know whats going on , scared and watch my children get messed up....or go top me, go do it. I think I should No one likesd me, I am bitching about everybody else and whats the worst feeling is I created thtis situation had I dealt wqith all my sh*t in the passed then Id be okay now and things would not have got so bIts non returnable. I cant take my faulty self back so take it forrward remve this damaged good off this planet before its creates others, thats what happens,. as soo na s someone has been damdged they hurt someone else. They sd ont tknow where to place all that emotion .yes there is self harm etc, but then if you do that its like a silent torture and nonon e else can feel the pain ,. No on e can take the poain away, And even though other people get through siomilar stuff and feel dirty and feel worse than me,. I cant deal with the fact that I am now so screwed up I cant cope . I cant go on and I dont see the point.
My daughter just said it. (reversing my psychology) I used to think like her...yes "We are all equally important"
What????? On what planet? Jupiter? Then I think gosd it doesnt matter what I do ..its a mess nayway. Now I want to go back to bed and sleep andsleep , but I cant sleep I cant relax, I have a pile of dishes to fdo , and oh Ive washed all there clothes ready for sdscholl on ,mday and ( Oh boy, my toe hurts today) bloody thing...if I do live that will probably get chopped off and Ill have to hobble about ( if I am lucky trying to get his demands) Pants you know whaen we moved before and I had a what ? Was sge 16 months, No huin the firat time we moved she was only 3 months oh and my god there was no BASIL in the house, God the argument ...You are off work and you do nothing. ( oh yeah , thats apart from look after the 2yr old, the 3 month old, and dealing with the unpacking in an incredible place that had too many chairs and tables god and I accepted that ) pffff...... sorry..letting some steam out. I aal so accpet noew what he did to me last year ( is not right) I also accpet now, that he simply cant see that his behaviour is very victorian, dosent belong in this century....but its worse as he expects me to work like a woman in this century ...but yet I am a lazy wrinkly fat ugly cow.OOOOhh, Its like my friend once said"YOUD GET less time in prison: God, I now wish I had . Diont do it Katy dont do it, hes done enough damage!!!!
I keep thinking what if it was him who srtalked me? Ill never know. I must get those we notes from my friend ( hope shes still got them ) than I could check out the handwriting. No, no get that idea out your head, a hes to fasat, B0 to old. C) too clever....oh and then I actually have more sympathy for that guy who did what he did. he must have had his own fair share of pain or something that mad e mim tdo it.Why me? Why me? Why did it have to happen to me? You know whats weirtd about myinterpreatetion whats weird, was his hands was the positionin ng of his hands . Idont remeber the pain downstairs I dont remeber the physical pain. Okay it hurt a bit, it was bit like locking myself in the lou when I was 13 and this 18 year old guy weas trying his diry ty way with me, and gave me a big hickey on the neck. Id dint even know what that was ... what hwe was doing why I was there/ Why was I there> and so I locked myself in the lou the whole night. I cried when I got home. id lied to my mum about studying or something so I could go out with my friends ( thinking we were just going out for some fun) How naive am I?????//
Anyway, thats the image I cant get out my head, and its the image that comes back ....like when I shout.. I am actually screaming ( someone help me) .....but I am not allowed to be hears. Like, when that guy put his hands over my mouth to stop me screaming. Like the fact Ill have a long soak in the tub and go and get the bread and milk. I better go actually hell be back soon and Ill get it. Hopr you okay ...Sorry I am just releasing myself here, I know I am not helping you at all , but I jst though tgRRRR!!! I needed to as I dont really want to do me anym ore harm I dont want to thought the thoughts pop in eratically ocassionally and grrrr!!! ilove my children too much . But then I think I am just causesint\g them damage. i feel like I am a c**p mum!
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Okay, had bath, made soup. played on facebeeok, cleaned kitchern , bought bread and milk and now goin to go and clean kiddies room. Full speed, heel soon be at work and that will be today over. Waht a life! Hope you are okay, ( GoshI just play on this machine all the time-I am supposed to be applying for an MA, and I still havent finished the personal statement. You can tell I have trouble with the old english? Hmmmm.
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Now I feel scared - and have no reason to be. God, thats it.....its just not worth it.....drinking that is.
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Im sorry dafty, I stayed drunk for awhile so that I didnt' have to think about things...
Again, Im not sure where the hell to begin. For one, don't feel bad about rambling, I do it all the time. : ) It is a great way to vent out and release frustration. I only have a short time as I have to go and get food before the store closes and homework and such (sigh, so lookin foward to it) but hey, you may need to (and i think you are) really sit down and think about your situation. You would not be a bad person to leave a relationship if what you are doing is the best thing for yourself and children. It has taken me awhile to see things clearly, but through all the pain (and Im sure you know, there will be pain) I can see that it is worth it, to better my life, and any future kids that I will have.
I don't remember all that you said but, even though he has money saved up, didn't you say that he won't even tell you how much, and doesnt' seem to wanna spend it on you and your kids?
Even if that's wrong, do you want to keep a partner, who doesn't do a damn thing for you or your kids, who keeps you in a messed up emotional state of mind?
Someone who you have said, hasn't done a damn thing for you and kids since you got together?
I don't know why you got together with him in first place, maybe you are trying to figure it out too. but was it because you really loved him? Or was it just passion? He was attractive, had money, helped you out with something or other, maybe a good friend?
If he doesn't seem to put out what you put it, (sure doesnt' seem like it) then that is not a fair, or 50/50 relationship, and that is not something you want to be in.... trust me, I've spent the last year in a 90/10 relationship, maybe worse.
Besides, who wants to stay in a relationship that you can't feel good about, isn't that one of the big things about them, to feel good about it? why would someone stay with someone that they don't get along with, can't really talk to, don't do sh*t for family, verbally abusive over stupid sh*t, and you can't even sleep in the same bed? That shows extreme problems, or an old fashion of thinking and believing, (Im thinking the cant get along part)
Well I gotta go, but I really believe you should begin to think about what is best for you, and your family. I have said a lot, and might be emotional, and hard to look at. I am not trying to hurt your feelings, or shake your world, and I am not suggesting you go make a decision this minute becuase sh*t has gone on long enough!
I hope you think about everything before you make a decision, and I hope that you make the best one.
Gotta go, hope I help more than hinder,
take care
Again, Im not sure where the hell to begin. For one, don't feel bad about rambling, I do it all the time. : ) It is a great way to vent out and release frustration. I only have a short time as I have to go and get food before the store closes and homework and such (sigh, so lookin foward to it) but hey, you may need to (and i think you are) really sit down and think about your situation. You would not be a bad person to leave a relationship if what you are doing is the best thing for yourself and children. It has taken me awhile to see things clearly, but through all the pain (and Im sure you know, there will be pain) I can see that it is worth it, to better my life, and any future kids that I will have.
I don't remember all that you said but, even though he has money saved up, didn't you say that he won't even tell you how much, and doesnt' seem to wanna spend it on you and your kids?
Even if that's wrong, do you want to keep a partner, who doesn't do a damn thing for you or your kids, who keeps you in a messed up emotional state of mind?
Someone who you have said, hasn't done a damn thing for you and kids since you got together?
I don't know why you got together with him in first place, maybe you are trying to figure it out too. but was it because you really loved him? Or was it just passion? He was attractive, had money, helped you out with something or other, maybe a good friend?
If he doesn't seem to put out what you put it, (sure doesnt' seem like it) then that is not a fair, or 50/50 relationship, and that is not something you want to be in.... trust me, I've spent the last year in a 90/10 relationship, maybe worse.
Besides, who wants to stay in a relationship that you can't feel good about, isn't that one of the big things about them, to feel good about it? why would someone stay with someone that they don't get along with, can't really talk to, don't do sh*t for family, verbally abusive over stupid sh*t, and you can't even sleep in the same bed? That shows extreme problems, or an old fashion of thinking and believing, (Im thinking the cant get along part)
Well I gotta go, but I really believe you should begin to think about what is best for you, and your family. I have said a lot, and might be emotional, and hard to look at. I am not trying to hurt your feelings, or shake your world, and I am not suggesting you go make a decision this minute becuase sh*t has gone on long enough!
I hope you think about everything before you make a decision, and I hope that you make the best one.
Gotta go, hope I help more than hinder,
take care
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Thanks for the reply.
Ive thought it many a times and every time its almost like I come back for more. This is the thing , we were good friends before, used to make each other laugh and I do think my problems startef fure to other stressors ,When I put an effort in, we can have a laugh amd its great. But I dont know I think I seek out too mucj reassurance and that s what swings it for me. Thats my fdrain and it soesnt work in any relationship, not ever.
For instance, today I made an effort and all 4 of us had a fab time. We went to see Blot in 3d In was brill, then we went for something to eat. We dont talk about the REAAL stuff though we just make it fun for the kids, and now we are home and his dads here and so on and thats when it hits me likea ron weight. i dont feel special ( not that thats a reqiuiremetnIve never felt special to him in that way, Its almost as though I ve had to beg him for everything as hre is a mean sos and so ( or am I a spoilt brat) What I cant stand is this.When I have an issue and its ignored I get angry and shout. he shouts shut up and so on , and then he will bend over me a( very threatingly ) and I freak now , everytime, but now he knows hes in no postion to use any kind of physical force. Its all so complicated.
I think he just cant see that things are not wright ( whcich upsets me more.) If he thinks this is fine then I find that really worrying. Its not fine. This is not what I would call happiness and I would never want my children to feel like I do , But this is the grinder. I am very emotionally screwed and The littlest thing can make me giggle and the littlest thing can make me laugh.
I cant work it out!
Other people have said and told me to get out this situation andstuff, but I cant fathom out if its him ,how I feel abpout him, how far things have gone bad, as we rearely argue cat and dog. So I dont know I dont know if I make any sense and what if I am wrong about money and what if its me that is the reckless careless insensitive one. I think I am, going mad. Must go, hell kill me if he finds me here.
Ive thought it many a times and every time its almost like I come back for more. This is the thing , we were good friends before, used to make each other laugh and I do think my problems startef fure to other stressors ,When I put an effort in, we can have a laugh amd its great. But I dont know I think I seek out too mucj reassurance and that s what swings it for me. Thats my fdrain and it soesnt work in any relationship, not ever.
For instance, today I made an effort and all 4 of us had a fab time. We went to see Blot in 3d In was brill, then we went for something to eat. We dont talk about the REAAL stuff though we just make it fun for the kids, and now we are home and his dads here and so on and thats when it hits me likea ron weight. i dont feel special ( not that thats a reqiuiremetnIve never felt special to him in that way, Its almost as though I ve had to beg him for everything as hre is a mean sos and so ( or am I a spoilt brat) What I cant stand is this.When I have an issue and its ignored I get angry and shout. he shouts shut up and so on , and then he will bend over me a( very threatingly ) and I freak now , everytime, but now he knows hes in no postion to use any kind of physical force. Its all so complicated.
I think he just cant see that things are not wright ( whcich upsets me more.) If he thinks this is fine then I find that really worrying. Its not fine. This is not what I would call happiness and I would never want my children to feel like I do , But this is the grinder. I am very emotionally screwed and The littlest thing can make me giggle and the littlest thing can make me laugh.
I cant work it out!
Other people have said and told me to get out this situation andstuff, but I cant fathom out if its him ,how I feel abpout him, how far things have gone bad, as we rearely argue cat and dog. So I dont know I dont know if I make any sense and what if I am wrong about money and what if its me that is the reckless careless insensitive one. I think I am, going mad. Must go, hell kill me if he finds me here.
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Hey jack, I am sort off remaining in silence here, I have these thoughts, god awful thoughts off what I want to do to myself. Though , if someone were to turn around and say, "You have 3 months left" id cry. I love my children and dont watn to hurt them. Even though I know drinking hurts them , its not that because I work damn hard to hide it. I have to hide it, form them.
When I take the medicatin that I am suppoesed to take , I am like a geratric. SoI am weening myself off it, but god almighty, You kknow , I really anger myself sometimes.
I have a friend, a man ( that he is now) that I grew up with. His colon has colapsed and he has a brain tumour. Its benign at the moment, though has been told that it wil go to cancer, surgey is awful for this. hes been told that he wil l have to remain conscious while they drill through his skull. Bluh-makes me want to vomit.
Then , mum said it"Just think about that when youre feeling down" I tell you , it nearly toppled me over the edge....my reasons for feeling the way I do are serious, and she should just watch her mouth...but yes, I do understand everything she is trying to say, like I should thank my lucky stars..anyway, must go , children want settle! Hope you are okay, I wine on do I not? Sorry- I must appologise- your going through a tough time yourself!
When I take the medicatin that I am suppoesed to take , I am like a geratric. SoI am weening myself off it, but god almighty, You kknow , I really anger myself sometimes.
I have a friend, a man ( that he is now) that I grew up with. His colon has colapsed and he has a brain tumour. Its benign at the moment, though has been told that it wil go to cancer, surgey is awful for this. hes been told that he wil l have to remain conscious while they drill through his skull. Bluh-makes me want to vomit.
Then , mum said it"Just think about that when youre feeling down" I tell you , it nearly toppled me over the edge....my reasons for feeling the way I do are serious, and she should just watch her mouth...but yes, I do understand everything she is trying to say, like I should thank my lucky stars..anyway, must go , children want settle! Hope you are okay, I wine on do I not? Sorry- I must appologise- your going through a tough time yourself!
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I dont want to type here . I just want to say I cant take anymore. I feel so selfish, so upset. Had bad news and really cant cope. Dont understand anything. Cried at work, cried all day.
Work coleagues, I dont know- I missed a meeting. I never read the roa the last time I was there and got ticked off ( fair enough) But the stuff in my head ...I wanted to scream yell, thought know there only soing there job. Its just, I cant get motivated when its all so unimportant...I mean really cant.
I dont know whats wrong with me, anyone else would just carry on...be more helpful...but no, I have to be feeble and bloody useless. I just annoy myself/
been feeling off colour and not so good. just feel alone..i want to be okay agian. its ridiculous how I feel.
Somtimes, when something awful happens to a friend or relative, I just want to take their pain away. I dont want anything more bad to happen...then it does, and oh boy I just dont get my crazy head.
I dont want to go to work tomorrow...they know too much...But then I was thinking maybe I should just tell them...then maybe theyd understand why ive not been giving my best, simply, I hold back,.I think no, I am an outsider here, yet I really like these people, and yet I really think I could maybe maybe I could trust them. but then if they know, I am more apt to becoming a victim again and agian . it makes you more vulnerable when people know. so Ia, not going there. Oh god, do I make any sense?
Then there is this situation and the monotony of it all . I sm so far beyond help a,and then feeel more guilty for adking for it, cause its not working. I look really old and tired for my age, I am trying, buit failing. its pants.
Work coleagues, I dont know- I missed a meeting. I never read the roa the last time I was there and got ticked off ( fair enough) But the stuff in my head ...I wanted to scream yell, thought know there only soing there job. Its just, I cant get motivated when its all so unimportant...I mean really cant.
I dont know whats wrong with me, anyone else would just carry on...be more helpful...but no, I have to be feeble and bloody useless. I just annoy myself/
been feeling off colour and not so good. just feel alone..i want to be okay agian. its ridiculous how I feel.
Somtimes, when something awful happens to a friend or relative, I just want to take their pain away. I dont want anything more bad to happen...then it does, and oh boy I just dont get my crazy head.
I dont want to go to work tomorrow...they know too much...But then I was thinking maybe I should just tell them...then maybe theyd understand why ive not been giving my best, simply, I hold back,.I think no, I am an outsider here, yet I really like these people, and yet I really think I could maybe maybe I could trust them. but then if they know, I am more apt to becoming a victim again and agian . it makes you more vulnerable when people know. so Ia, not going there. Oh god, do I make any sense?
Then there is this situation and the monotony of it all . I sm so far beyond help a,and then feeel more guilty for adking for it, cause its not working. I look really old and tired for my age, I am trying, buit failing. its pants.
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Im sorry I havent been on in awhile. been sooo freakin busy with school work.
You are not useless... at all.... so quit thinking that
Maybe you could talk to some of the people that you work with, it might help to have different people to talk to
Just try to enjoy life, is the only thing I know. Spend time with the kids that you love. Do something simple with them like just reading a children's book to them, or even watching t.v. They will appreciate it more than you will ever know, and I think it might help you feel better too.
I have to get to sleep, early day tommorrow.
I haven't forgotten about you, don't forget about yourself
Hope I have given some words of encouragement....
Until next time, take care
You are not useless... at all.... so quit thinking that
Maybe you could talk to some of the people that you work with, it might help to have different people to talk to
Just try to enjoy life, is the only thing I know. Spend time with the kids that you love. Do something simple with them like just reading a children's book to them, or even watching t.v. They will appreciate it more than you will ever know, and I think it might help you feel better too.
I have to get to sleep, early day tommorrow.
I haven't forgotten about you, don't forget about yourself
Hope I have given some words of encouragement....
Until next time, take care
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Thanks again Jack, I am absolutely shattered . I can barely hold ,y head on ,my shoulders. Was at funeral and shaked and cried all the way through it......first one partner and I have been to ( together). Anyway, stayed up last night and he started to ask questions about the stuff thats been eating me. He is starting to understand and he was great today ( actually supportive) Well, hios rest of his family need to turn oin their light switches cause I cant believe what I had to do yesterday ..let alone everything else...Partner agreed that it should not have happened and father in law absolutley shocked. Ive been crying too, and cant get my head around these things. But okay, maybe this is a start .maybe we can get over somethings and move on for our childrens sakes ( He actually really listened and understood) Whuich , is the first time he ever has. How did I get here?
Okay, I just want to sleep, but vccant freesind all the time, and then worried about this mole on ,y arm, Its ticks out and just looks weird, hopefully nothing, What If I think things are getting better thenm and if they are ( well thats good) But if they are not then Illl be in real trouble, ( should I hjust try and see) Oh got to go, its too cold in here and toe hurting me big time!
Anyway, whatever, you are right about life is herer to be enjoyed!!!!!!!
Okay, I just want to sleep, but vccant freesind all the time, and then worried about this mole on ,y arm, Its ticks out and just looks weird, hopefully nothing, What If I think things are getting better thenm and if they are ( well thats good) But if they are not then Illl be in real trouble, ( should I hjust try and see) Oh got to go, its too cold in here and toe hurting me big time!
Anyway, whatever, you are right about life is herer to be enjoyed!!!!!!!
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