I was okay, had such a laugh with a customer at work today. Thankfully she was the down to earth type and nothing seemed to upset her...it was good just to be able to be me, but admin bosss got annoyed and snapped at me ( almost as if to say - control yourslef", well couldnt be bothered to do that just had that moment when I thought No I will not, I shall share whats going on in my head stuff you ...that big creep. Sometimes I find gis derogative maaner so insulting. When I told him about my IQes he laughed and put me down . in all fairness, I dont think he has a clue as to how I think or feel or anything and in all fairness I dont really care. Its just, I think theres something to be said about sarcasm- i think it an evil nasty thing. Okay someone is trying to be funny and make so and so laugh but in its content there always seems to be some sort of content thats meant and that hurts . Its like those that protest toomuch ( not me- no??) its like nip nip nip nip dough, kick. Every little nip ....for instance , comenets like "We cant get the staff these days" aimed at me, or "I dont know how she gets through her day", , or just simply yelling my name out. Luckily, after everything, I think well at least I am bright enough not to walk around a shopp fllor wearing and revealing all underwear poof or no poof thats not acceptable ( not in my book) Hence why i thought my joke funny with customer. She said.. ( It was a pretty bow at the back of a shirt) this lady says : whats this for?" , my response was :Well , you know when you need the toilet and theres no toilet roll left: she laughed hard and I thought well so what fed up being serious all the timne and like some sort of mental punch bag with a toe that I think i might chopp off myself . really fed up.
Then anyway, got home and good news on kitchen table....getting a new kitchen Partner says " well, cant I see a smile then " as if hes made it all happen......Anyone else would be jumping up and down and saying thank good ness. Dont get me wrong I am looking forward to this change, and thank goodness, cause the one wee have is really disgusting. It will be nice living in a nice place again. Anyway, PGd form splitting my head and it feelis like its going to explode. Partners dads around and its all so controlled Cant bring my elf to be socialble arounbd the girls ( which I know is not dfair on them0 But been sleeping all afternoon, and the thing is thinking about things Like "what is it that would make me Happy?????? Although I know I am happier.
My mums memory seems to be going abit concerned . She doesnt seem to rember anything.,Can amtriptyline do this to you?
Apparently her cousin popped in to visit her. She a good primary teacher in a rough area in Glasgow, and mum was teling her about me, and stuff and I am thinking but you dont know the full picture. I am sure she is managing to put the pieces together. But grrr!!! I dont know whats going on and Feel like I am being suffocated.
Then anyway, got home and good news on kitchen table....getting a new kitchen Partner says " well, cant I see a smile then " as if hes made it all happen......Anyone else would be jumping up and down and saying thank good ness. Dont get me wrong I am looking forward to this change, and thank goodness, cause the one wee have is really disgusting. It will be nice living in a nice place again. Anyway, PGd form splitting my head and it feelis like its going to explode. Partners dads around and its all so controlled Cant bring my elf to be socialble arounbd the girls ( which I know is not dfair on them0 But been sleeping all afternoon, and the thing is thinking about things Like "what is it that would make me Happy?????? Although I know I am happier.
My mums memory seems to be going abit concerned . She doesnt seem to rember anything.,Can amtriptyline do this to you?
Apparently her cousin popped in to visit her. She a good primary teacher in a rough area in Glasgow, and mum was teling her about me, and stuff and I am thinking but you dont know the full picture. I am sure she is managing to put the pieces together. But grrr!!! I dont know whats going on and Feel like I am being suffocated.
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I want to go back to bed. I woke this morning thinking I have outstayed my welcomoe on planet earth!! Last night my sister rang, I wasnt feeling very talkative and she assumed I was in a huff. Ive just had it with all that her superiority , telling me how to live my life and that she will go in a huff if I dont speak to her all night every night. its allright for her she has a career and so on and so what if she is lonely , that was her choice, i am lonely too, But really gets my hackles up and if ever she does meet someone or decides to leave the country she doesnt speak to me for months years, or anything like it.
Anyway, feel rubbish today, and going to make a chart up to stop me drinking especially before workm but the thought with out alcohol is pure doom and the thought that I have done nothing wwith my life is just doom and then myu foot hurts and creaked my neck. What wa I saying I feel like an outsider , even my partner now just laughs at me , and I still have feelings for him, I guess its like a pet you cant live with someone this long and not have feelings and so on. I cant get out this situation , its killing me.
Last week work pulled me up, saying there is a time limt on this and so on...I cant help but think has my doctor got in touch with these people and asked them to push me on. Paranoid or what? Cant believe the pressure I feel, and so lonely and cant talk to them and even recognise that 21 year ols think above me and really annoys me, telling me to get some back bone. Half of me wnats to change be a stronger person, but the other half says I wouldnt be me if I thought like that. Okay said stuff today and some I feel crippled by his family, his dad looks really old and frail sometimes I look at him and cant believe hes still here. he looks so old and then him and his attitude, its almost like hes really stupid, but I know hes not, and then there is the grinding thing that really annoys me, How come it is Ive been pulled up for blah blah at work? and yet the others are alowwed to walk round ablivious to the fafact s we can see ther boxers hanging down ...and they think that acceptable?????? Okay and then I think I am okay at my job, good in fact and just feel like boss has her fa\vourites, though I like her really i think she nice and stuff, nut grrr!! cant help but feel so alone and that makes even more scared of dirching what mekaes me feel secure, speak out, confident, of nubing everything I feel and trying to forget everything, I watched the news though and know it has to stop. I am terrified. and its more than that htough , half a bottle i am okay , sometimes I dont want anyomre but sometimes I jsut drink as he is drinking and I get scared, and then sometimes I have to drink so much just to ask fo r a cuddle. I dont know wha i do that and god, i cant get my thoughts out fast enough here...now going back to bed, I just wabt to sleep, been doing that lot and children dont seem to notice, me not being around though when they do see eme they just cuddle and kisss me , its as though they know I am screaming inside. I guess they will know that. Oh this drug helps me, as if I hadnt taken it, id either be screaming my head of and smashing dishes and then getting shouted at for bein \g a manic anfd then crying into my tea. ( god looking bacck , that went on for years until he twisted my arm around my back to get me to shut up...and until that very day he tried to strangle me to get me to shut up and the tears would not stop) I guess, my depression led him to act this way.,. I dont see him as a violent person ( and hes a good daddy) I just burnt him a little sucked him dry or something yuck that expression sends shivers dowewn my back. Anyway, no its not like... dontt do adult things like any of that anymore, thank god, as I just worried that I was preggers just about every single time we did do the business, and found him force ful whether he acutally is , or wehther that s the way I see things is open to debate, so why mention it?
On that issue though what he did to me last uyyear is not tolerable and I guess tha is the main reason I dont go near him , and why I cant be bothered with me and that I rellly would like to meet a man that makes it all worth this pain, ( that will never happen)
Okay, then there is the pain of thinking about how I hurt my sister last night andworried that she didnt eat her cherry tomatoe for tea and the reflecting on how my best friend from uni used to think and knowing what a lovely person she was and what a good sense og\f humour she had an dknowing how she felt about hthings. That I worry that i send people on the ano track- do I?
Cant sto pthinking about my frinef, even though she wighed around 4 stone the last timeI saw her she was still very lovely in my eyes she didnt deserve any of it. Not any of it. I miss her. Then there is Craig who was gay and jumepd , broke his neck and died 2 weeks later and then Ben who sdied from cncer and all of it is haunting me. Why am I going there? Why do I add all theses sad events up in my head, they crippple me and I cant move Cant ove. Then there is all these people I soent the last ten years of myt life with, theyve all ebranched out, shalll we say, and I am about, as definitive, as something that fell from a jack russels bottome, No one cares. But then I know I care and worry about my ex sister inlaw and misss her, miss our daily chats together, and the times we usd to get together and talk about our partners tha just drove us round the bend , the timnes we shared, and the facts that she knows more about me than most. Oh and then, this this, I feel like she wil no longer be my friend if I dont get out this situation and then that hurts I dont feel capable of getting out this situation, not a jot. I need him to take the gals away from me sometimes to vclear my head, but hwhen he does, I get angry and upset and miss them too. Oh god maybe I should get a dog. Waffled herere for so long that I am getting ctramp in my hands. Oh god. last weekend a frined gave bitrth to a baby who had no skull, it died so sad and horrifying Just makes you realise that 32 years of lifwe and 2 healthy childrne is good!!! But its bad that that morbidity makes me realise that. Ohh god, really what????What is wrong with me? Fed up thinking this is just gad....when sometimes I cant even get out my bed. Fed upo with tis. Must go and stop the hand cramps>>>> Bye bye to anyone who managed to read this ....
Anyway, feel rubbish today, and going to make a chart up to stop me drinking especially before workm but the thought with out alcohol is pure doom and the thought that I have done nothing wwith my life is just doom and then myu foot hurts and creaked my neck. What wa I saying I feel like an outsider , even my partner now just laughs at me , and I still have feelings for him, I guess its like a pet you cant live with someone this long and not have feelings and so on. I cant get out this situation , its killing me.
Last week work pulled me up, saying there is a time limt on this and so on...I cant help but think has my doctor got in touch with these people and asked them to push me on. Paranoid or what? Cant believe the pressure I feel, and so lonely and cant talk to them and even recognise that 21 year ols think above me and really annoys me, telling me to get some back bone. Half of me wnats to change be a stronger person, but the other half says I wouldnt be me if I thought like that. Okay said stuff today and some I feel crippled by his family, his dad looks really old and frail sometimes I look at him and cant believe hes still here. he looks so old and then him and his attitude, its almost like hes really stupid, but I know hes not, and then there is the grinding thing that really annoys me, How come it is Ive been pulled up for blah blah at work? and yet the others are alowwed to walk round ablivious to the fafact s we can see ther boxers hanging down ...and they think that acceptable?????? Okay and then I think I am okay at my job, good in fact and just feel like boss has her fa\vourites, though I like her really i think she nice and stuff, nut grrr!! cant help but feel so alone and that makes even more scared of dirching what mekaes me feel secure, speak out, confident, of nubing everything I feel and trying to forget everything, I watched the news though and know it has to stop. I am terrified. and its more than that htough , half a bottle i am okay , sometimes I dont want anyomre but sometimes I jsut drink as he is drinking and I get scared, and then sometimes I have to drink so much just to ask fo r a cuddle. I dont know wha i do that and god, i cant get my thoughts out fast enough here...now going back to bed, I just wabt to sleep, been doing that lot and children dont seem to notice, me not being around though when they do see eme they just cuddle and kisss me , its as though they know I am screaming inside. I guess they will know that. Oh this drug helps me, as if I hadnt taken it, id either be screaming my head of and smashing dishes and then getting shouted at for bein \g a manic anfd then crying into my tea. ( god looking bacck , that went on for years until he twisted my arm around my back to get me to shut up...and until that very day he tried to strangle me to get me to shut up and the tears would not stop) I guess, my depression led him to act this way.,. I dont see him as a violent person ( and hes a good daddy) I just burnt him a little sucked him dry or something yuck that expression sends shivers dowewn my back. Anyway, no its not like... dontt do adult things like any of that anymore, thank god, as I just worried that I was preggers just about every single time we did do the business, and found him force ful whether he acutally is , or wehther that s the way I see things is open to debate, so why mention it?
On that issue though what he did to me last uyyear is not tolerable and I guess tha is the main reason I dont go near him , and why I cant be bothered with me and that I rellly would like to meet a man that makes it all worth this pain, ( that will never happen)
Okay, then there is the pain of thinking about how I hurt my sister last night andworried that she didnt eat her cherry tomatoe for tea and the reflecting on how my best friend from uni used to think and knowing what a lovely person she was and what a good sense og\f humour she had an dknowing how she felt about hthings. That I worry that i send people on the ano track- do I?
Cant sto pthinking about my frinef, even though she wighed around 4 stone the last timeI saw her she was still very lovely in my eyes she didnt deserve any of it. Not any of it. I miss her. Then there is Craig who was gay and jumepd , broke his neck and died 2 weeks later and then Ben who sdied from cncer and all of it is haunting me. Why am I going there? Why do I add all theses sad events up in my head, they crippple me and I cant move Cant ove. Then there is all these people I soent the last ten years of myt life with, theyve all ebranched out, shalll we say, and I am about, as definitive, as something that fell from a jack russels bottome, No one cares. But then I know I care and worry about my ex sister inlaw and misss her, miss our daily chats together, and the times we usd to get together and talk about our partners tha just drove us round the bend , the timnes we shared, and the facts that she knows more about me than most. Oh and then, this this, I feel like she wil no longer be my friend if I dont get out this situation and then that hurts I dont feel capable of getting out this situation, not a jot. I need him to take the gals away from me sometimes to vclear my head, but hwhen he does, I get angry and upset and miss them too. Oh god maybe I should get a dog. Waffled herere for so long that I am getting ctramp in my hands. Oh god. last weekend a frined gave bitrth to a baby who had no skull, it died so sad and horrifying Just makes you realise that 32 years of lifwe and 2 healthy childrne is good!!! But its bad that that morbidity makes me realise that. Ohh god, really what????What is wrong with me? Fed up thinking this is just gad....when sometimes I cant even get out my bed. Fed upo with tis. Must go and stop the hand cramps>>>> Bye bye to anyone who managed to read this ....
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Okay, I stopped with taking my mediactaion as I felt like I was trying to punch down walls, to try and get me motivated. So far my motivation has increased, but...I have joint pain , itchy skin, very bad headaches, flashing lights in my left eye, and late perios ( 8-10 days) and cluster lumps all over boobs. cried all night last night- dont really know why. I have application forms whizzing around my heads. found out my course tutor had passed on , was a bit upset about that ( as he was a young bloke) and thats the second young man to have gone I think people from my course anre jinxes, I have had this blinding headache for nearly 48 hours, hope iit goes soon. I know this is probably pmt , but just feel awful.
yesterday had a podiatry appointment, took an 1 and a half , got a prop thing and it keeps falling off,. grrr!! Think the lights set my headache off, Couldnt touvch my skull felt like glasss plates were moving about, So cold had two thick duvets, dressing gown pyjammas and still cold. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...then I do this thing...clam down it will be nothing. Head is throbbing.
Cant look at partner, I just donthtink he loves me in anyway, or does he feel rejected by me. Not that I intended any of this, but I mean bring up the conversation and I get told to shut up, so how does that make me feel more secure?
mum goes in to hospital on Monday , and allready worked up about it, her partner seems to think its a walk in the park, so Ive to be there. Fine but Ive got the school run and responsibilities that wicked oooo does not take on board. Oh god, Must go now, cant think of anything funny to say.. so going. Works going to be stressful /some directors coming and the way I feel , i think a few gobbers may come flying out my mouth...Just dont put me down ..and I want poput me down or put me down and face the consequences. And see if I see another pair of bloody boxers again, boy there will be trouble!!!!!
yesterday had a podiatry appointment, took an 1 and a half , got a prop thing and it keeps falling off,. grrr!! Think the lights set my headache off, Couldnt touvch my skull felt like glasss plates were moving about, So cold had two thick duvets, dressing gown pyjammas and still cold. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...then I do this thing...clam down it will be nothing. Head is throbbing.
Cant look at partner, I just donthtink he loves me in anyway, or does he feel rejected by me. Not that I intended any of this, but I mean bring up the conversation and I get told to shut up, so how does that make me feel more secure?
mum goes in to hospital on Monday , and allready worked up about it, her partner seems to think its a walk in the park, so Ive to be there. Fine but Ive got the school run and responsibilities that wicked oooo does not take on board. Oh god, Must go now, cant think of anything funny to say.. so going. Works going to be stressful /some directors coming and the way I feel , i think a few gobbers may come flying out my mouth...Just dont put me down ..and I want poput me down or put me down and face the consequences. And see if I see another pair of bloody boxers again, boy there will be trouble!!!!!
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To be honest I dont know what happened. One minute okay, went to bed, the next minute screaming as there was so much blood. I dont know where it all came from either. So anyway, I screaming like a i duno what and partner carries on drinking. I am screaming hoping hed come and help eventually I drip to him and sak for his help...he says"You want a paramedic for that?: yes please /dont know whats happening to me. Perhaps its all withdrawal from meds, but then I was nyaghty ...why is it everytime I am just a little bit naughty I get caught big style and I damage myself big style. I hate the way I look. Scabs everywhere and 2 black eyes. Cant sto pcrying . people keep asking emme what is wrong and I really do not want to talk anymore ...i dont want to open my mouth and talk. there is no point in it ...no point. i am sweating .home now and going hot to really cold and feeling really sore ( I am a silly isdiot!!) and now I am in it big time....Nurses ( dont knkow if they thought I couldnt hear them ) well they are going to contact social services now. I just wanted to run tell the m to eff offf even though I am at the same time very grateful to them for caring, but some of them have attitude, and why does everyelse seem so stupid Am i the only one thats stupid. Sure feels like that way!!!!
Anyway, mum took one look and couldnt believe what she saw, and had a skull x ray and checkbone x ray and everything is fine...Ill tell you god that would hurt as this does, and then I cant even wash my hair for all the cat scratches and scabs...i dont think any of them believe me.. yeah I got pissed , whacked my head of off the bed post and then screamed then cat throw himself on my head. Weel no one believes me. And when I say I got drunk I had 4vglasses of white wine and 1 red, though I hadnt had a drink for some time, so well llooks like I shall reamin being addicted to not being addicted. Anyway, poor hospital staff. feel reallly guilty again m and sore and I mean I had to come home in my pyjmamas cobvered in blood. I really cant be sure what happened to be honest and I never really got over that splitting headache,
Anyway, now so dizzy and nauseated, hoping its just the shock of it al. I am terrified more than ever now. I feel hurt that he thinkg Oh ...you know what I havent got a clue what he thinkks. Sorry must go starting to shivre. I wonder if anyone reads any of these. that was anorther thing I could hear all this confidentila stuff flying about theward "kathryn is in counselling: What? Ive not heard from my cpn since I dont know was it August last year. So get there facts right before spreading rumours.. Then the youve not been taking your meds for a few months. No actuallfy fact 2. Ive had 2 days off it and going back on it. I just wanted to feel like I should feel . Anyway, dthink they all hate me there now and too scared to talk to anyone about anything. I feel sick now. I keep getting flashbacks and off others that have tried to strangle me and think maybe those doctors would liked to have done that also. I mean f\grrr!! I annoy myse;f, thaen again I wouldnt feel so guilty if I hadnt been drinking. People dont really understand ( anyone head now pounding going now
oh found out why my dad no longer speaks to his bro..( huh, he had numerous suicide attempts ) so what do my family do...turn their back on him. Anyway, this has to remain hush hush . if my family know mych I am in it even bigger...henevce why so worried about the ss dept and so forth and just got to go .Got to go.
Anyway, mum took one look and couldnt believe what she saw, and had a skull x ray and checkbone x ray and everything is fine...Ill tell you god that would hurt as this does, and then I cant even wash my hair for all the cat scratches and scabs...i dont think any of them believe me.. yeah I got pissed , whacked my head of off the bed post and then screamed then cat throw himself on my head. Weel no one believes me. And when I say I got drunk I had 4vglasses of white wine and 1 red, though I hadnt had a drink for some time, so well llooks like I shall reamin being addicted to not being addicted. Anyway, poor hospital staff. feel reallly guilty again m and sore and I mean I had to come home in my pyjmamas cobvered in blood. I really cant be sure what happened to be honest and I never really got over that splitting headache,
Anyway, now so dizzy and nauseated, hoping its just the shock of it al. I am terrified more than ever now. I feel hurt that he thinkg Oh ...you know what I havent got a clue what he thinkks. Sorry must go starting to shivre. I wonder if anyone reads any of these. that was anorther thing I could hear all this confidentila stuff flying about theward "kathryn is in counselling: What? Ive not heard from my cpn since I dont know was it August last year. So get there facts right before spreading rumours.. Then the youve not been taking your meds for a few months. No actuallfy fact 2. Ive had 2 days off it and going back on it. I just wanted to feel like I should feel . Anyway, dthink they all hate me there now and too scared to talk to anyone about anything. I feel sick now. I keep getting flashbacks and off others that have tried to strangle me and think maybe those doctors would liked to have done that also. I mean f\grrr!! I annoy myse;f, thaen again I wouldnt feel so guilty if I hadnt been drinking. People dont really understand ( anyone head now pounding going now
oh found out why my dad no longer speaks to his bro..( huh, he had numerous suicide attempts ) so what do my family do...turn their back on him. Anyway, this has to remain hush hush . if my family know mych I am in it even bigger...henevce why so worried about the ss dept and so forth and just got to go .Got to go.
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Hi friends,
I just want to tell you to keep believe in yourself . I know how hard it feels sometimes. Im undergoing into this hell too . Last year I was starting to get obssesed about something on my chest a freckle , which I thought the worse about it , that it was a cancer or something..
I made all the tests possible I even did Mri test . All test resulted good. I was healthy pyhsically.
I was married for 2 years and decided to seperate. I feel so much frustrated nowadays about my emotions:(((xx
I come from a very good family. My family loves me a lot I have a girlfriend who loves me so much . But I feel empty, frustrated. Having panic attacks it makes it worse for sometimes I can stand it anymore.. My panic attacks are Feeling detached somehow or dearlization. I dont know if people encountered these horrible things:(
I have blind spots or eye floaters in my eyes. I see them mostly in the morning. I think they are something with anxiety too.
I need friends to speak with . Someone like me who can really undersrand me. Because my family cant feel what im passing through.
Thanks God I sleep at night and my nutrition I eat normal.
I had chicken pox last week so everything going bad to me too:(
I want to cry out maybe this frikkin monster will go out of me :-(
Please ppl i need some help if u have skype you can find me on Camilleri Gilbert country Malta.
I would like to be as before so funny so outgoing this frikkin thing is ruin my life:( This is not me !!! I wasnt like that before....
You ll be all in my prayers tonight and everynight May God bless you:xxxx
Please pray for me too!!1
Yours Sincerely
Gilbert aka getfunky79
I just want to tell you to keep believe in yourself . I know how hard it feels sometimes. Im undergoing into this hell too . Last year I was starting to get obssesed about something on my chest a freckle , which I thought the worse about it , that it was a cancer or something..
I made all the tests possible I even did Mri test . All test resulted good. I was healthy pyhsically.
I was married for 2 years and decided to seperate. I feel so much frustrated nowadays about my emotions:(((xx
I come from a very good family. My family loves me a lot I have a girlfriend who loves me so much . But I feel empty, frustrated. Having panic attacks it makes it worse for sometimes I can stand it anymore.. My panic attacks are Feeling detached somehow or dearlization. I dont know if people encountered these horrible things:(
I have blind spots or eye floaters in my eyes. I see them mostly in the morning. I think they are something with anxiety too.
I need friends to speak with . Someone like me who can really undersrand me. Because my family cant feel what im passing through.
Thanks God I sleep at night and my nutrition I eat normal.
I had chicken pox last week so everything going bad to me too:(
I want to cry out maybe this frikkin monster will go out of me :-(
Please ppl i need some help if u have skype you can find me on Camilleri Gilbert country Malta.
I would like to be as before so funny so outgoing this frikkin thing is ruin my life:( This is not me !!! I wasnt like that before....
You ll be all in my prayers tonight and everynight May God bless you:xxxx
Please pray for me too!!1
Yours Sincerely
Gilbert aka getfunky79
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Hey ge funky79, totally knowhere you are coming from.I had chicken pox when in my teens, iwas very very ill with it. I hid, as I did not want to be hopstialise . i lost over a stone in weight, I even had delusions, and my dad has to sleep in the my bedrooom to keep an eye onme, Dont undrestimate the illness. I didnt eat for 2 weeeks and forced into bathing . i still have the pox marks ( so dont pick!) A week into my big sis got worse than me ...glandular fever, she was severly ill. mum was getting over a car accident and the her big sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. Chickenpox is really not good, esp when stressing...though I think the herpes is connected to stress...but hey dont listen to me, i am no expert.
Keep going with the ad-dont see it as a druf- its a pain killer ( well that what Ive decided) Take care
Keep going with the ad-dont see it as a druf- its a pain killer ( well that what Ive decided) Take care
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My partner is now giving me the silent treatment...grr! But then once I am over that ( hes gonna chuck me -yippppppeeeeeeeeeeeeee!) stage and that gutting hole in my stomach and once its over, I will be okay, I will. I just feel a little destroyed that its not worked.
My face is still very sore, just feel depressed.
My face is still very sore, just feel depressed.
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My head still hurtd after 9 days since the event, so bad todayI had to keep sleeping. I know its not anything serious, but kept going really dizzy on walking-is this delayed shock? Its making me more anxious, and the thought of going to bed now scares me even more as I cant be sure as to what happened!!!
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Ph gpd, had another argument with partner . it was awful really awful. its almost like hes treating me like I dont know. My head feels much better now though ( not like its been crushed in a vice) . I know this sounds really mad, but its almost like I enjoyed having the black eyes on my fave and the attention that I got with it(People could see the hurt)=its just not a healthy way to think , I know its not. Iknow too that citalopram does help as every now and then i watch m y daughters and think ( god, girl start looking after yourself , as I know they love me, and I love having fun with them I love them so much( Id never want a man to treat them the way Ive been treated..Though he switches, and sometimes I know this sounds mental , I know how strong he is and I know that he couls do some damage if anything really nasty were to happen . Thats :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S
I was thinking about going to speak to ny doctor, but then cant but help think that hes too busy dealing with the really ill, and that ill just annoy hom and he ll give me a row as this has gone on too long.
I also want off these med, i want to be Normal, btu then again Ive noticed that 2 days or 3 days in I am humched up , cuddling my kness and crying. Theres so much goimng on though, the thought of trying to go back to work and work alngside happy young pretty confident people is making me feel nauseated.ice 6 days left.
The argument last night was so so bad. mind you he had polished of 2 bottles of wine, while I had half red wine ( I find it much harde to drink than white) What a hypocrit, walking t**d he was!!!!!!!!I know , well al l I know is that its just thoughtless ness, or this stems from the way he was brought up)-just like my dear old grandad used to say "it was the way she was broughtup:-not her fault. ( Oh dont start me, I miss him too, I miss his protection he had big shaky hands and really he was such a good guy) Whenever my mum got too OCD on him , he used to walk for miles , we iused to all panic , worrying what he may be upto, but hed always come back more chilled out. Anyway, thats the one good thing I know, that one day all those that leave us, leave good memories , once all that grieving stuff passes us. It just takes su ch a long time for me to get over things. or its, its more like a delayed reaction to things.Is that possible? God I just moan.
Anyway, apparently my mum has taken a turn, and I know that she is so fussy and if somethings not done her way she goes beserk. ( talking of that, i am so glad she never picked me up that morning I was in hospital. I could just imagaine her cross face and the look of dissapointmetn, and what a state Im in. She does not really understand it. Neither does she understand that her 1000% perfection is driving us all demented. Its also abit rubbed of on me , ( i think) Not that I am like that ButI get funny about where shoes are kept and dirty dishes and things on the carpet, but my cupboards are a a mess, and if things do go bad, I let them get so bad ( so not to worry about it so much as your not trying) Why do people OCD about the way there house is , keeping up with the Jones and all that? I mean really, some people sont have houses ( me for one) andsome people struggle to get to clean water and struggle to breathe , so surely perfection is in the eye of the beholder just as beauty is omnly skin deep ( and in the eye of the beholder) Surely perfection comes with helping those in need and less at ease than those that are capable but dont help themselves, ( erm, whoops , waking taliking hypocrit)yes, though my mums standards, the fact that she want even let me just be a mum, the fact I have to ake my self feel like I chieved something( which I feel now anyway) does send me loopey and does make reach for a drink
Put loads of fake tan on my face to cover up my black eyes,.Its kinda worked. neighvour told my children that "Mummy should have an asbos" " ( Cheek!) and they looked blamkly...Oh dear nearly wet myself laughing. Though in al seriousness, looking at the bigger piture I could have cracked my skull and died. I dont even know how it happened. My sister cant understand it, neither can I , and it just reminds me of a Freddy Cruger film...non explained injury ....blood and then the cat ..Its not in my ctas nature to behave so soradically. he is a big fat thing though, and I do remebr his claws all over my head, as I paniced he stuck his claws in more. now it does not take your head much to bleed, so then all the blood made me more feck whats going on ...and then me screaming, the fact he ignored me scares me too ( its not possible that ive blanked out and hes hit mewith a hameer-is it?) I cant remeber how thwe first injury happened, and if it was me then that too scares me...Now terrified to go to bed. terrifeied the social services will interfere and I ll loose my children ( though dont know why as I am a good mum, one thing I ll say for myself I am a good mum I am playful and thats good for whem it comes to giving them attention and I dont let him upset them andhesnot around them much ( thank god he works shifts) I hope to goodness, that he doesnt get that job as a bus driver )( my life will be hell then ) and then there is the total, I work so you clean attitude, followed by I must be stashing it away,,,,followed by you are getting us into lots of debt....followed by slurp slurp///Youd rink too much coffeee. coffee is expensive....folowed by ( oh need I go on) When he phoneed the hospital he said to the nurse shes my partner and I love her??????????? Then when I rang to see who was coming for me His friend at work stated tht he was going to pick up his wife, ( lol) guess hwt a I said...His wife??????? Oh he must be leading a double life, Id love to meet her!!!!Oh got to go and make the lunch , what am I gonna do????????
I was thinking about going to speak to ny doctor, but then cant but help think that hes too busy dealing with the really ill, and that ill just annoy hom and he ll give me a row as this has gone on too long.
I also want off these med, i want to be Normal, btu then again Ive noticed that 2 days or 3 days in I am humched up , cuddling my kness and crying. Theres so much goimng on though, the thought of trying to go back to work and work alngside happy young pretty confident people is making me feel nauseated.ice 6 days left.
The argument last night was so so bad. mind you he had polished of 2 bottles of wine, while I had half red wine ( I find it much harde to drink than white) What a hypocrit, walking t**d he was!!!!!!!!I know , well al l I know is that its just thoughtless ness, or this stems from the way he was brought up)-just like my dear old grandad used to say "it was the way she was broughtup:-not her fault. ( Oh dont start me, I miss him too, I miss his protection he had big shaky hands and really he was such a good guy) Whenever my mum got too OCD on him , he used to walk for miles , we iused to all panic , worrying what he may be upto, but hed always come back more chilled out. Anyway, thats the one good thing I know, that one day all those that leave us, leave good memories , once all that grieving stuff passes us. It just takes su ch a long time for me to get over things. or its, its more like a delayed reaction to things.Is that possible? God I just moan.
Anyway, apparently my mum has taken a turn, and I know that she is so fussy and if somethings not done her way she goes beserk. ( talking of that, i am so glad she never picked me up that morning I was in hospital. I could just imagaine her cross face and the look of dissapointmetn, and what a state Im in. She does not really understand it. Neither does she understand that her 1000% perfection is driving us all demented. Its also abit rubbed of on me , ( i think) Not that I am like that ButI get funny about where shoes are kept and dirty dishes and things on the carpet, but my cupboards are a a mess, and if things do go bad, I let them get so bad ( so not to worry about it so much as your not trying) Why do people OCD about the way there house is , keeping up with the Jones and all that? I mean really, some people sont have houses ( me for one) andsome people struggle to get to clean water and struggle to breathe , so surely perfection is in the eye of the beholder just as beauty is omnly skin deep ( and in the eye of the beholder) Surely perfection comes with helping those in need and less at ease than those that are capable but dont help themselves, ( erm, whoops , waking taliking hypocrit)yes, though my mums standards, the fact that she want even let me just be a mum, the fact I have to ake my self feel like I chieved something( which I feel now anyway) does send me loopey and does make reach for a drink
Put loads of fake tan on my face to cover up my black eyes,.Its kinda worked. neighvour told my children that "Mummy should have an asbos" " ( Cheek!) and they looked blamkly...Oh dear nearly wet myself laughing. Though in al seriousness, looking at the bigger piture I could have cracked my skull and died. I dont even know how it happened. My sister cant understand it, neither can I , and it just reminds me of a Freddy Cruger film...non explained injury ....blood and then the cat ..Its not in my ctas nature to behave so soradically. he is a big fat thing though, and I do remebr his claws all over my head, as I paniced he stuck his claws in more. now it does not take your head much to bleed, so then all the blood made me more feck whats going on ...and then me screaming, the fact he ignored me scares me too ( its not possible that ive blanked out and hes hit mewith a hameer-is it?) I cant remeber how thwe first injury happened, and if it was me then that too scares me...Now terrified to go to bed. terrifeied the social services will interfere and I ll loose my children ( though dont know why as I am a good mum, one thing I ll say for myself I am a good mum I am playful and thats good for whem it comes to giving them attention and I dont let him upset them andhesnot around them much ( thank god he works shifts) I hope to goodness, that he doesnt get that job as a bus driver )( my life will be hell then ) and then there is the total, I work so you clean attitude, followed by I must be stashing it away,,,,followed by you are getting us into lots of debt....followed by slurp slurp///Youd rink too much coffeee. coffee is expensive....folowed by ( oh need I go on) When he phoneed the hospital he said to the nurse shes my partner and I love her??????????? Then when I rang to see who was coming for me His friend at work stated tht he was going to pick up his wife, ( lol) guess hwt a I said...His wife??????? Oh he must be leading a double life, Id love to meet her!!!!Oh got to go and make the lunch , what am I gonna do????????
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Hi everyone, hope you are all doing well!
I dont know whats happpening, but its not good. yesterday, walking to get the bus , I had 3 panics, 3!!!! I was holding my daughters hand, and luckily she is still iving in her world, so shes bletheing away to me , oblivious of what is happening ( which i guess, is good. Anyway, started to feel really dizzy and couldnt breathe for no real reason , other than my partner had skipped on ahead with older daughter. i thought I was going to colapse, bang my head, wake up to blood pouring everywhere, and then be faced with paramedics, so ( luckily that didnt happen) So I just helfd my daughters hand as tight as I could and started that stupid breathing thing. Then, I try to catch my partners attention, he too is oblivious and not understanding and leaps on, full steam aheaed, by this time, I am crying heart punding, ( daughter still doesntnotice ( thankfully) other people are staring at me and giving me a look like ( look at that jakey!!!)Anyway, by the time i get to the bus ( to get to my mums) I am angry as he did not help me, and I wanted to cry. he ( still not having noticed, takes my ...okay our...children to the shop and buys a paer, menwhile I am whacked out, and now in a extremly bad mood. ( the last thing I want to do is see my mum , and pretend to be happy. Pretend everything is all right, and help her out.But, needs must .
Journey was slow and painful, I cant handle it anymore, and sweat as though I was in a swimming pool, though, now not really caring if i look like Pffff!!! I look like that anyway...so cant take anymore, Give my youngest some crisps and nintendo and plug my ipod in. trying desperately to cheer up I listen to Shaggy..( i notice the geriatric in front turning of his hearing aid....I think ,poog geezer , but hey little did he know how much that would be a blessing!!!!!!
Anyway, not even listening to shaggy Mr bombastic, Or "It wasnt me", cheers me up, and just his presence annoys me. We arrive at mums, much too late her liking...I by now calming thinking poor woman isnt really fit to having my happy wild children around her ( Afterall, she was told not to pick up a kettle or do no washing. She says shes pulled a muscle and groans the whole time, trying to take the washing down...All i hear is her partner who escapes into is work , saying "Your being ridiculous" ( Okay, maybe she was, but not the way to deal with it....anger is only going to make her feel more alone isolated and even more painful...so I approach it with "Ill do it...run run run ....and then and this was bizaree , trying to cook the tea. Everyone so fussy and no room to get creative in the kitchen. An unknown concpt t o me, so , as soon as they stop asking the "are you all right katy" I am creeping in with the spices, had to be chinese though as mum coughs with the littlest a mount of pepper.
Anyway, kids had great time, played and managed to bump into an old school friends dad, Got her number.
anyway, mum desperatly tries to get us to stay..I cant as I need to get my eldest a birthday pressie and just get organised, but keep going really dizzy...or is it dizzie...oh dear. Okay, arrive home at 9pm , partner kicks off about how he is missing the golf, Kids start up as they are exhausted. I look terrible, nose swollen , hair needing cu, feeling really bloated and gut cramps and full of wind. Kids go to bed...well one sleeps in partners bed, one sleeps on top biuk, and then partner sleeps on living room floor...Of course I had a couple of glasses of wine and went to bed. but now I panic at and with my wine, as A) If I awake to blood again, Ill howl..( did I not do that anyway???Oh so I did. God, I think Ive just made this milleniums first rule of madness, yes, indeddy , mum speaks to hersle , katy types to herself. maybe so one day Ill return and think God,, yeah remeber that....If not Illl be dead, and that doesnt sound too bad either.
Anywa, I asked mum, if she thought I was looking ugly and old...her reply"You are what you are", oh and then feeling c**p, I aks partner if I can get a hair cut.....would I suit it short? he rplies.."If it makes you happy" I just think I llok like the biggest freakiest mother a live andno wonderwhat happened to me happened to me, It did because I am the biggest freak alive. I mean why would anyone obsess over a weirdo like, me, and thats not to say a wierdoo, that not without her problems, though I do realise we all have them some more than others, and many many more than what i have, but arggggggggggggggggh!!!!
I look at my children and i think they are beatiful and i would never sell them short, I make sure they know I think so. I mean if their own mother cant say that, then who can? Then i think and wonder how I thik I am such a freak and deserve two princesses like I have???Staring at my Visa and thinking hair cut...though it want matter what I spend on it, ill still feel this way
I knwo its almost been 2 weeks since ..but I feel more tormented now than ever, Maybe as everything is so unexplained, and I acant even explain what happened. Though I really do not think it was him, ...and another thing..thia typing must be torture for him, He doesnt have a clue who or what I am typing about, but then , and right now i dont care all that much . Its like I care, but I just dont understand how anyone can protest to loving someone and be like this. I dont understand that not a jot.
It s a lovely day, I want to go out, but feel so in on myself that the idea of people lookigna t me makes me want to vomit, and andi dont want to be sick,,, or diverge back to using laxatives I dont wna to go there again. people dont understand and that makes me feel like an even bigger ffffffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkk!!!!! I dont know if anyone can understand. Dont really mind if they dont iether, as i feel shattered.
i had really vivid dreams last night and really tired me out. i honestly can say that I now have the biggest darkest rings around my eyes, and i do look like a jakey . I also ramble like a 10 yr old and not a 32 yr old hoping for somesort of inspiration.
I dont know I have all these odd snesations in my head, particularly at the back of my head...then when i rub my face all these hard lumps,One on the side of my nose just on my right eyesocket and another in my brow. I thought it was the cats claw, but dont know what it is. I still really dizzy, maybe I am just tired and dont really realise it. Anyway, Gosh sure Ive written a book.
Thinking maybe I should go spk to my doctor ask his advice but cant help but think hell give me a row and whats going on with e is nothing more than me being me..I couldnt face a row either so I dont think Ill bother. its not that Oh , I dont know its more that...I just want to defend my partner, but then again why why would I want to do that? Then thinking about it, it doesnt matter what I do here..people are quick to add , multiply nd divde and get it all wrong.
Anyway, i think Ill stop blethiering. i dont know if anyone reads these , mind you i cant even be bothered to read them .Oh I better go.
I dont know whats happpening, but its not good. yesterday, walking to get the bus , I had 3 panics, 3!!!! I was holding my daughters hand, and luckily she is still iving in her world, so shes bletheing away to me , oblivious of what is happening ( which i guess, is good. Anyway, started to feel really dizzy and couldnt breathe for no real reason , other than my partner had skipped on ahead with older daughter. i thought I was going to colapse, bang my head, wake up to blood pouring everywhere, and then be faced with paramedics, so ( luckily that didnt happen) So I just helfd my daughters hand as tight as I could and started that stupid breathing thing. Then, I try to catch my partners attention, he too is oblivious and not understanding and leaps on, full steam aheaed, by this time, I am crying heart punding, ( daughter still doesntnotice ( thankfully) other people are staring at me and giving me a look like ( look at that jakey!!!)Anyway, by the time i get to the bus ( to get to my mums) I am angry as he did not help me, and I wanted to cry. he ( still not having noticed, takes my ...okay our...children to the shop and buys a paer, menwhile I am whacked out, and now in a extremly bad mood. ( the last thing I want to do is see my mum , and pretend to be happy. Pretend everything is all right, and help her out.But, needs must .
Journey was slow and painful, I cant handle it anymore, and sweat as though I was in a swimming pool, though, now not really caring if i look like Pffff!!! I look like that anyway...so cant take anymore, Give my youngest some crisps and nintendo and plug my ipod in. trying desperately to cheer up I listen to Shaggy..( i notice the geriatric in front turning of his hearing aid....I think ,poog geezer , but hey little did he know how much that would be a blessing!!!!!!
Anyway, not even listening to shaggy Mr bombastic, Or "It wasnt me", cheers me up, and just his presence annoys me. We arrive at mums, much too late her liking...I by now calming thinking poor woman isnt really fit to having my happy wild children around her ( Afterall, she was told not to pick up a kettle or do no washing. She says shes pulled a muscle and groans the whole time, trying to take the washing down...All i hear is her partner who escapes into is work , saying "Your being ridiculous" ( Okay, maybe she was, but not the way to deal with it....anger is only going to make her feel more alone isolated and even more painful...so I approach it with "Ill do it...run run run ....and then and this was bizaree , trying to cook the tea. Everyone so fussy and no room to get creative in the kitchen. An unknown concpt t o me, so , as soon as they stop asking the "are you all right katy" I am creeping in with the spices, had to be chinese though as mum coughs with the littlest a mount of pepper.
Anyway, kids had great time, played and managed to bump into an old school friends dad, Got her number.
anyway, mum desperatly tries to get us to stay..I cant as I need to get my eldest a birthday pressie and just get organised, but keep going really dizzy...or is it dizzie...oh dear. Okay, arrive home at 9pm , partner kicks off about how he is missing the golf, Kids start up as they are exhausted. I look terrible, nose swollen , hair needing cu, feeling really bloated and gut cramps and full of wind. Kids go to bed...well one sleeps in partners bed, one sleeps on top biuk, and then partner sleeps on living room floor...Of course I had a couple of glasses of wine and went to bed. but now I panic at and with my wine, as A) If I awake to blood again, Ill howl..( did I not do that anyway???Oh so I did. God, I think Ive just made this milleniums first rule of madness, yes, indeddy , mum speaks to hersle , katy types to herself. maybe so one day Ill return and think God,, yeah remeber that....If not Illl be dead, and that doesnt sound too bad either.
Anywa, I asked mum, if she thought I was looking ugly and old...her reply"You are what you are", oh and then feeling c**p, I aks partner if I can get a hair cut.....would I suit it short? he rplies.."If it makes you happy" I just think I llok like the biggest freakiest mother a live andno wonderwhat happened to me happened to me, It did because I am the biggest freak alive. I mean why would anyone obsess over a weirdo like, me, and thats not to say a wierdoo, that not without her problems, though I do realise we all have them some more than others, and many many more than what i have, but arggggggggggggggggh!!!!
I look at my children and i think they are beatiful and i would never sell them short, I make sure they know I think so. I mean if their own mother cant say that, then who can? Then i think and wonder how I thik I am such a freak and deserve two princesses like I have???Staring at my Visa and thinking hair cut...though it want matter what I spend on it, ill still feel this way
I knwo its almost been 2 weeks since ..but I feel more tormented now than ever, Maybe as everything is so unexplained, and I acant even explain what happened. Though I really do not think it was him, ...and another thing..thia typing must be torture for him, He doesnt have a clue who or what I am typing about, but then , and right now i dont care all that much . Its like I care, but I just dont understand how anyone can protest to loving someone and be like this. I dont understand that not a jot.
It s a lovely day, I want to go out, but feel so in on myself that the idea of people lookigna t me makes me want to vomit, and andi dont want to be sick,,, or diverge back to using laxatives I dont wna to go there again. people dont understand and that makes me feel like an even bigger ffffffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkk!!!!! I dont know if anyone can understand. Dont really mind if they dont iether, as i feel shattered.
i had really vivid dreams last night and really tired me out. i honestly can say that I now have the biggest darkest rings around my eyes, and i do look like a jakey . I also ramble like a 10 yr old and not a 32 yr old hoping for somesort of inspiration.
I dont know I have all these odd snesations in my head, particularly at the back of my head...then when i rub my face all these hard lumps,One on the side of my nose just on my right eyesocket and another in my brow. I thought it was the cats claw, but dont know what it is. I still really dizzy, maybe I am just tired and dont really realise it. Anyway, Gosh sure Ive written a book.
Thinking maybe I should go spk to my doctor ask his advice but cant help but think hell give me a row and whats going on with e is nothing more than me being me..I couldnt face a row either so I dont think Ill bother. its not that Oh , I dont know its more that...I just want to defend my partner, but then again why why would I want to do that? Then thinking about it, it doesnt matter what I do here..people are quick to add , multiply nd divde and get it all wrong.
Anyway, i think Ill stop blethiering. i dont know if anyone reads these , mind you i cant even be bothered to read them .Oh I better go.
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I woke yesterday with a voice tha siad....."YOU KNOW WHY i AM HERE"
Yes, it made me cry like a god dam baby,,,that was the phrase, and one which haunts me..make sme want to chuk, like punchuck puke. i cried and couldnt get out of bed. ive spent many months wondering but sort of caring but not really caring if anyone believes me,I dont car if they do ro not, I dont care ...i know what happened and things come back to me slowly and haunt me ...but people use this phrase above a lot...and it has to be placed in that context, enviroment and after the torture that went before it. \tHEN THERE IS THIS in my head, that I am a victim ...I dont want to be a vicitm ....and why why would i mention it, when I do blame myslef for it...Some of it was my fault ..I mean had I not been so stupid that night.I would have been fine.I would be fine today ..I d be getting on with it. which is exactly what I want to do...do you think I culd hatden to it all..its just not in my nature.t hough I want it to go away ..You know what, ive had a cpn, and I couldnt speak of that events that snight...it helped when my partner brough tit up,,,though it is a horrible story andI feel foolish for having let it have happened, and even more foolish for not taking responsiblilty for that bastards actions. Though in a way, I think I felt as bad as that guy that left my rrom ...and pretended it didnt happen..i got up earlythat day and took my sheets, everything to a frineds house, and then wlakied alone to a family planning clinic...meanwhile thorwoing up and then i dont know its all a bit wierd.I dont evenknow if i was alone. My meomory is playing tircks with me...i do know that that wasnot a hallucination. i know it was real and very wrong,.
Yes, it made me cry like a god dam baby,,,that was the phrase, and one which haunts me..make sme want to chuk, like punchuck puke. i cried and couldnt get out of bed. ive spent many months wondering but sort of caring but not really caring if anyone believes me,I dont car if they do ro not, I dont care ...i know what happened and things come back to me slowly and haunt me ...but people use this phrase above a lot...and it has to be placed in that context, enviroment and after the torture that went before it. \tHEN THERE IS THIS in my head, that I am a victim ...I dont want to be a vicitm ....and why why would i mention it, when I do blame myslef for it...Some of it was my fault ..I mean had I not been so stupid that night.I would have been fine.I would be fine today ..I d be getting on with it. which is exactly what I want to do...do you think I culd hatden to it all..its just not in my nature.t hough I want it to go away ..You know what, ive had a cpn, and I couldnt speak of that events that snight...it helped when my partner brough tit up,,,though it is a horrible story andI feel foolish for having let it have happened, and even more foolish for not taking responsiblilty for that bastards actions. Though in a way, I think I felt as bad as that guy that left my rrom ...and pretended it didnt happen..i got up earlythat day and took my sheets, everything to a frineds house, and then wlakied alone to a family planning clinic...meanwhile thorwoing up and then i dont know its all a bit wierd.I dont evenknow if i was alone. My meomory is playing tircks with me...i do know that that wasnot a hallucination. i know it was real and very wrong,.
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Got to mums. partner parked the car next to a tree so I couldnt get out with great difficulty. Little did I know I was crushing the door into my leg which is now very bruised sore and swollen, then I was eating my lunch outside and a bird crapped on me. tyhen come inside to clean it off and trip on rug and just keep tripping uop and banging into things. I am tired!
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My daughters 9th biirthdy. here I am 9 yrs on ( shes very beatiful) but finding things so tough. Feeling harassed...shes a great girl though ...anyway, ended up in sick kids yesterday ( after a phone call from mum ( at work) who moaned about how ill she was feeling but how stuck she feels. Now, we rang her to see how she was tis morning, and shes had a really bad night, in a lot of pain, shakingm and loosing lots of blood. So anxy ( wheres my big sister when I need her?)
Partner did not /has not done one thing to help...except upset me....he has an appointment this morning, I think he was nervous about it. Anyway, crying as its 9yrs and I feel the same, but look older....I feel like ive done nothing though, but I know I have my children , but oh cant explain. I m hoping by typing here...ill stay calm. Just need sleep and the last thing I need right now is a pyjama party( hey it will be fine...bring on the midnight feasts. All the kids are really lovely though, they talk ( even to me) I certainly dont intimidate them ,, which is a good thing ( I guess) . I need a cry. cant cryIs my mum ever going to get better? @yrs on and shes still in pain!!!!I mean the poor lady...I cant watch it anymore.
Anyway, thats all thats happening. Mums going to be okay ..its just a hiccup ( find this hard though , probably as i dont knkow If I just the la de da professinal that speak latin and still leave you in knots) Dont get me wrong I guess thats the professionals defence and how to cope with a demanding job , but it backfires -does it not???? See I dont really believe in snobs, as we all loose people we love and we all use the lou, we all have bad hair days, and we all have emotions.So what is that with the superior attitude???Honestly, I cant stand it...oh I have more money blah blah blah...I have a dishwasher, and a microwave and underwear from ////////// ooo and a car and the list is endless, but this place is to materialistic. My daughter is so right...
This made me cry lots...."What do you want for your birthday?"
rply///..........."Ahappy family!!!!!!!!!!!!" ( Feel sick a, going to go for a cry.........
Partner did not /has not done one thing to help...except upset me....he has an appointment this morning, I think he was nervous about it. Anyway, crying as its 9yrs and I feel the same, but look older....I feel like ive done nothing though, but I know I have my children , but oh cant explain. I m hoping by typing here...ill stay calm. Just need sleep and the last thing I need right now is a pyjama party( hey it will be fine...bring on the midnight feasts. All the kids are really lovely though, they talk ( even to me) I certainly dont intimidate them ,, which is a good thing ( I guess) . I need a cry. cant cryIs my mum ever going to get better? @yrs on and shes still in pain!!!!I mean the poor lady...I cant watch it anymore.
Anyway, thats all thats happening. Mums going to be okay ..its just a hiccup ( find this hard though , probably as i dont knkow If I just the la de da professinal that speak latin and still leave you in knots) Dont get me wrong I guess thats the professionals defence and how to cope with a demanding job , but it backfires -does it not???? See I dont really believe in snobs, as we all loose people we love and we all use the lou, we all have bad hair days, and we all have emotions.So what is that with the superior attitude???Honestly, I cant stand it...oh I have more money blah blah blah...I have a dishwasher, and a microwave and underwear from ////////// ooo and a car and the list is endless, but this place is to materialistic. My daughter is so right...
This made me cry lots...."What do you want for your birthday?"
rply///..........."Ahappy family!!!!!!!!!!!!" ( Feel sick a, going to go for a cry.........
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Hello all, I seen that this blog was about Anxiety. Heh. Well i have a problem on that subject. A few months ago i was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Im 17 years old. A few weeks into the diagnosis, I was sitting on the couch and then boom. I felt/seen as if i was looking at myself from across the room. I started to panic and freaked out. I didnt tell my parents just yet, because this isnt the first time it happend. About 5 months ago i smoked some tainted pot. My first time/last time. When i smoked it, about 5 mins later i went all freaky and started running around the house dancing and yelling at my dog. I had no clue what i was doing. I could'nt control myself. After yelling at my dog i froze and everyhting what i did played to me in my mind.. like a movie. Turned out i made 5 sandwhiches, had a conversation with a picture on my wall, yelled my my dog, danced around the house.. without even knowing it. After that i freaked out. Like never before. I tried to put on some classical music on my laptop but whenever i touched my keyboard my fingers felt they were on fire. So i couldent do that. Time went so slow! longest day of my life.. worst day too. This whole time i felt i was viewing myself from 3rd persons point of view. Freaky. But after a few hours it went away. I dint get munchies.. my eyes werent red or glossy. It didnt even seem like i smoked marijuana. But i did. Well that the symptoms i have now. Viewing myself from another point of view. But its not only when i get Anxious. It constant. It never goes away now. 2 weeks into my diagnosis i felt like this. Finally i told my parents, they took me to a counciler and they said it was dearlization. Where things aorund you seem fake, like a dream and you view yourself from another prospective. Thats how i feel. I cant enjoy anything. Its harder to focus now too. I didnt get put on meds cause they said i might get over it when i adapt more to my diabetes. And they didnt want me to get addicted to anything. So they told me to wait it out. But i think this wont go away. My mind seems complicated. If i think about something, and want something done. my mind will backfire and it wont do it. ( If that makes sence :S ) You see, In 5th grade i was thinking to myself ( yes i remember ) what if i had to piss every hour.. well after that thought went away. I had to use the restroom. Every other hour i had to use the restroom. Still to this day i have to use the restroom, Only as school. I got checked out for everything, all types of bladder problem.. Nothing. They said it was mental. I agree'd. So i know my mind isnt right. So i know this wont go away on its own. I was taught to breath diffrent ways and go to my 'Happy Place'. That does not work. So if anyone has felt like this please reply and let me know how you delt with it. Any tips or just anything that you think would help i would love to know, This thing is ruining my life.
Thanks
-Joe
Thanks
-Joe
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today was bad. i do no tunderstand this. .....
last night colapsed..keeled ove ..of my happy pill and drinking too much..anyway, from what I can recollect.....1hr into lying on the bog floor...he came in the bog...he put the bathmat over my fave and tried to strangle me...
Now wait, either Ive had a case of really bad dts( possible0 or this happened. hes been creeping arond like a little schoolboy, saying I make it up...i quizzed him about he..he syas Ive had the dts...by why do i reneber his physical appearance, and why a bath mat. and why???Ok, i drank toomcuh but none of it makes sense. ive drunk double what I had last night, and did not have this. help!!! is he screwing up my head, or am i incredibly ill?
last night colapsed..keeled ove ..of my happy pill and drinking too much..anyway, from what I can recollect.....1hr into lying on the bog floor...he came in the bog...he put the bathmat over my fave and tried to strangle me...
Now wait, either Ive had a case of really bad dts( possible0 or this happened. hes been creeping arond like a little schoolboy, saying I make it up...i quizzed him about he..he syas Ive had the dts...by why do i reneber his physical appearance, and why a bath mat. and why???Ok, i drank toomcuh but none of it makes sense. ive drunk double what I had last night, and did not have this. help!!! is he screwing up my head, or am i incredibly ill?
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