ive tried everything , Olbas to relieve this sinus thing, Ive tried Sudafed, ive tried that steaming thing ( oh god, ha ha) to try and relieve this, but nothing is buding. my eyes are hurting from all this and feeling extremley tired. I had really bad sinuses after I had my first child. Every footstep it pounds and its making e feel ill, but not as ill that I am so bad that I have to stay tucked up in bed, so Ill procceed with this pill. This stuff definately helps, but I would not say I am the person I used to be.
Look, this is the way is see it. Okay, I knew this was never going to be perfect or as perfect as I ever wanted things to be. maybe I expect too much too soon and do not work hard enough for it...I dont know, all I know is that one day Ill get there If I can beat this. I mean, I know I can. i remeber as a teenager and having extremley bad acne and being really down but I got through . I messed up at school anyway, I had soem reason not to be focused, but hey so what ...make the best of what ive got and then proceed to do more ( is my way forward_ I just wish I could breathe)
Look, this is the way is see it. Okay, I knew this was never going to be perfect or as perfect as I ever wanted things to be. maybe I expect too much too soon and do not work hard enough for it...I dont know, all I know is that one day Ill get there If I can beat this. I mean, I know I can. i remeber as a teenager and having extremley bad acne and being really down but I got through . I messed up at school anyway, I had soem reason not to be focused, but hey so what ...make the best of what ive got and then proceed to do more ( is my way forward_ I just wish I could breathe)
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Last night went to bed earlier than usual, was not feeling well. This morning , I felt so achey allover and cried when waking, Couldnt eat, and know I need a good kick up the backside, still not done my application form and its partners birthday ( Dr SEuss) too. Anyway, I have that knotted feeling in my stomach . It feels as though I am carrying lead weights about and dragging them everywhere i go. This morning was terrible again,
I am worried about what is wrong with me. I go through the motions maybe its Lupus or MS, and then I panic and then I think nope theres nothing , absolutley nothing wrong with you. I ddo find it difficult to cope, but then probabaly always have done. Yip, must go, need to find some clothes.
I must be a bit better though, I am talking to my partner a lot more, and getting a bit more open with people. Thank god, so this pill must do something for me. Tomorrow Ill be back at work ( well if you can call it work?) i do like it there but I think that sometimes ( Oh I should watch wat I say as I sdont know I mean it could end up a sackable offence) anyway,
My nose feels like its going to fall off. but starting to get a bit better. Motivated slightly more, but cant be bothered with the housework( thats for sure) I just jope my partner doesnt ...oh dont want to talk about it. Anyway, I better go get up. I dont know how I am going to cope going to work tomorrow as I am feeling really very raw and slightly annoyed at the world at the moment. Do you think this will pas? Oh hope you all right ( good actually Jack) sorry so self-absorbed ( I think thats what this is ) It will go it will I just need to do more! Take care everyone.
I am worried about what is wrong with me. I go through the motions maybe its Lupus or MS, and then I panic and then I think nope theres nothing , absolutley nothing wrong with you. I ddo find it difficult to cope, but then probabaly always have done. Yip, must go, need to find some clothes.
I must be a bit better though, I am talking to my partner a lot more, and getting a bit more open with people. Thank god, so this pill must do something for me. Tomorrow Ill be back at work ( well if you can call it work?) i do like it there but I think that sometimes ( Oh I should watch wat I say as I sdont know I mean it could end up a sackable offence) anyway,
My nose feels like its going to fall off. but starting to get a bit better. Motivated slightly more, but cant be bothered with the housework( thats for sure) I just jope my partner doesnt ...oh dont want to talk about it. Anyway, I better go get up. I dont know how I am going to cope going to work tomorrow as I am feeling really very raw and slightly annoyed at the world at the moment. Do you think this will pas? Oh hope you all right ( good actually Jack) sorry so self-absorbed ( I think thats what this is ) It will go it will I just need to do more! Take care everyone.
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Hey guys, having a good day ( thanks to medicine) Though very cold and sinusitus still there ( A small price to pay for seeing things the way I used to) Cant get warm though and been worrying that there is something else up. But must say this pill is helping, eg) eating better, sleeping better ( weird one that) and not wanting Okay, ( shant lie) as much to drink as previous . Feel far more controlled, like I cant actually be bothered to do it anymore. great , all that money all those years, and I think this is better. Could someone not have said something to me earlier, I mean it would have helped and I might have cut less time off my life. Oh well were not all mind readers , and no one forced me to abuse myseldf the way I did, I just didint want to feel , and there was sometimes tilll is too much happening in my head and oh anyway, must go find something funny as dont want to be writing a book or anything . Good itd be a boring book .
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I was feeling great this morning, got to work and everything was fine. I started to change displays and dropped a piece of metal work that eventually fell and hit me on my head. I didnt even know I wqas bleeding and then some, and now I have a plaster and a bump and feel nauseated . I also wrecked some clothes and feel lightheaded. Oh well, this is exactly what happens, as soon as things seem a bit better I knock myself. Gggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!
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Hey friend, I have to run to class, but was checkin up on ya. Don't get down, and remember that everyone makes mistakes...
Been keeping you in mind, hope you keep having these good mornings, but don't let an honest mistake upset your day.
Medicine can be very beneficial indeed. I finally admitted to the need for ADHD and since then have been doing soo much better. I recently admitted to myself that I cannot control my depression disorder on my own any longer (its killin me) so I am setting up appointments with my psychiatrist (actually my dad's close buddy since age 3 and he has always been there to help in the past. He has also testified for me in court before and kept me outa jail, and kept rehab short. All this is to say that I trust him) and meetings with a therapist, (required by law to have at least a cuple a year to get prescriptions) and I hope to be working this sh*t out soon. I sure hope so, because I am tired of this BS haunting me everyday!!
Well, running late, wrote more than intended, hope u read this soon. Remember to keep ur chin up, and I know u have issues with faith, but for some reason, I just have to say... Remember that God created you, and so you are beautiful. He has a plan for you, me, and even your children. The challenging part is to understand the big plan. You are beautiful, and have been blessed in many ways, so keep ur chin up, remember who you are, and don't let tha small sh*t bring you down.
Hope these will be words of encouragement and not words to cause anger. I'll talk to u later, and let me know how ur doin, alrite?
Take care
Been keeping you in mind, hope you keep having these good mornings, but don't let an honest mistake upset your day.
Medicine can be very beneficial indeed. I finally admitted to the need for ADHD and since then have been doing soo much better. I recently admitted to myself that I cannot control my depression disorder on my own any longer (its killin me) so I am setting up appointments with my psychiatrist (actually my dad's close buddy since age 3 and he has always been there to help in the past. He has also testified for me in court before and kept me outa jail, and kept rehab short. All this is to say that I trust him) and meetings with a therapist, (required by law to have at least a cuple a year to get prescriptions) and I hope to be working this sh*t out soon. I sure hope so, because I am tired of this BS haunting me everyday!!
Well, running late, wrote more than intended, hope u read this soon. Remember to keep ur chin up, and I know u have issues with faith, but for some reason, I just have to say... Remember that God created you, and so you are beautiful. He has a plan for you, me, and even your children. The challenging part is to understand the big plan. You are beautiful, and have been blessed in many ways, so keep ur chin up, remember who you are, and don't let tha small sh*t bring you down.
Hope these will be words of encouragement and not words to cause anger. I'll talk to u later, and let me know how ur doin, alrite?
Take care
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Hi Jack, I am glad to hear from you. I was feeling a bit woosey yesterday , stressed and tired. Youd think at my age I would know not to do these things, but oh well, I keep going dizzy and want ing to blank out, but cant too busy.
I had a parents evening last night, It was good. Both girls are doing very well, Becca( the youngest) seems a bit behind, but not muxh too catch up on. I told the teacher ( who is also very lovely) that I think its as she looks for the more comples in the simple stuff and thats why she can say very long difficult words ( and spell them) but finds the simple words more difficult , ( Like her mummy) Anyway, then I see my eldest daughter excelling in everything. Not a worry and teachers seem well impressed ( But I worry that that is her way of escaping).
Anyway, bump on head stressing me. My sister rang and getting all stressed, Mums op coming up and she says oine thing. Like Ill need you there on the such and such a date ( and okay I am fine ) and then Illneed you there on whatever date, she seems so hyper all the time as well. I cant understand that and then there is me tellling my dad ....and he takes it badly ....and then his own wifes parents are on the edge of life, andthen partners dad looks so frail...oh head sore....then there is my sister weighing in about 6 stone, ringing me everynight and me not being able to sleep.....and so forth......then partner did the most strangest thing. ( He stated how my sister is draining me....I give her all the attention ( as iworry as she is so lonely ) but yet thats her decision, just as it was mine to be a mum , and do what Ive done ....and that I need a rest I would not live in so much dfear if I didnt speak to her.....but then she goes huffy and then I worry about whats shes doing. I know this doesnt make much sene...but I am trying. Keep getting so so so cold so cold, and sometimes just want to stop.
Anyway, bump on head calming ...tjhough must say all that blood made me....shake....I just shake ...and then couldnt breathe very welll... and then calm........okay.....Right going a way for the weekend. Dont know if it will do me much good. Stress in the air, but it might A change is as good as a break and Ive not seen my dad in over a year .I cant get warm so cold.
Okay, partner seemed quite concerned about me, and seen a more caring side to him recently. I dont think we could ever do the business again or anything like that ( which will inevitably) cause problems, but och it might not ( Or am I being hasty and naive?????) Argh...hey Jack, bogged you down there?? I must admirt, I do wonder when aalll this is going to affect me, and I wonder how I will go...I was kinda hoping that Id fall asleep last night and not wake up ( not very healthy ) but now I am awake the world seems a better place. Oh boy, nothing is ever straightforward.......Anyway, I think I am more my fitter mental self. ( Ie) I just get on with things and all these other things...well that just stress nothing else. Though walls do crumble. Oh got to go .
Jack thank you for your kind wors. I hope things improve for you too. Yake care, Dafty.
I had a parents evening last night, It was good. Both girls are doing very well, Becca( the youngest) seems a bit behind, but not muxh too catch up on. I told the teacher ( who is also very lovely) that I think its as she looks for the more comples in the simple stuff and thats why she can say very long difficult words ( and spell them) but finds the simple words more difficult , ( Like her mummy) Anyway, then I see my eldest daughter excelling in everything. Not a worry and teachers seem well impressed ( But I worry that that is her way of escaping).
Anyway, bump on head stressing me. My sister rang and getting all stressed, Mums op coming up and she says oine thing. Like Ill need you there on the such and such a date ( and okay I am fine ) and then Illneed you there on whatever date, she seems so hyper all the time as well. I cant understand that and then there is me tellling my dad ....and he takes it badly ....and then his own wifes parents are on the edge of life, andthen partners dad looks so frail...oh head sore....then there is my sister weighing in about 6 stone, ringing me everynight and me not being able to sleep.....and so forth......then partner did the most strangest thing. ( He stated how my sister is draining me....I give her all the attention ( as iworry as she is so lonely ) but yet thats her decision, just as it was mine to be a mum , and do what Ive done ....and that I need a rest I would not live in so much dfear if I didnt speak to her.....but then she goes huffy and then I worry about whats shes doing. I know this doesnt make much sene...but I am trying. Keep getting so so so cold so cold, and sometimes just want to stop.
Anyway, bump on head calming ...tjhough must say all that blood made me....shake....I just shake ...and then couldnt breathe very welll... and then calm........okay.....Right going a way for the weekend. Dont know if it will do me much good. Stress in the air, but it might A change is as good as a break and Ive not seen my dad in over a year .I cant get warm so cold.
Okay, partner seemed quite concerned about me, and seen a more caring side to him recently. I dont think we could ever do the business again or anything like that ( which will inevitably) cause problems, but och it might not ( Or am I being hasty and naive?????) Argh...hey Jack, bogged you down there?? I must admirt, I do wonder when aalll this is going to affect me, and I wonder how I will go...I was kinda hoping that Id fall asleep last night and not wake up ( not very healthy ) but now I am awake the world seems a better place. Oh boy, nothing is ever straightforward.......Anyway, I think I am more my fitter mental self. ( Ie) I just get on with things and all these other things...well that just stress nothing else. Though walls do crumble. Oh got to go .
Jack thank you for your kind wors. I hope things improve for you too. Yake care, Dafty.
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Sorry but feeling incredibly bad right now so thought I dpop here and waffle. I just feel fear all the time. About everything, packing to go to my dads, and I dont know I worry about everything, the house burning doen You name it Even to the point that I might miss the bus and then the agonising worry about things while I am away and then the bus might crash and or might not have money or I might fall unconscius somewhere and end up in hospital where no one can find me. Or what if .....???????? Its really annoying as I know its not healthy to be like this and I thought I said in the other post that I was getting on fine ( doing) well Im not right now Pants!!!!!! Its always this....everytime, and its like a trap...and this is my fault not anyone elses and Ive taken my medication right, anbd got two pink spots ecept I know there not spots ( liver spot??) Or something in the middle of my nose. God knows what my dad will say when he sees me, bunp on head liver spots on nose. ( Doesnt look goo) and foot is sore and I just want to go to bed, Not care. Its as though he has taken on the characterstics of a 80 yr old he want even pick us up, or I dont know Its so sad how things change and I cant keep up, and bitter thoughts that I have and I cant keep up with all these changes I just need to learn an adpting technique. If I could adapt to change quicker Id be so much better. Id altogether be a better person. Gosjh, , cant even type.
I was wondering ( maybe it was the knock on my head???) but why do I have perfect vision in my eye that chooses not to work????If I could bloody well use it id be less more accident prone...and partner name would not be so shamed. Thats not to say hes been bad( he has) I know , but its not fair on him that I wonder around the streets with bruises and cuts and scrapes all the time, and really half of them are my own doing. I never stop with huirting myself, and I dont know maybe I used ex lax to give me some control over everything else so I could keep the fat off and eat without the fear of getting fat or eat without the guilt,., But then I get annoyed with people who tell me to look after myself , and I cant I cant do such a basic thing. Occassionaly a we voice pops into my head and says dont do that, please and its total cognitive dissonance.Oh man...better go Thanks Jack for letting me waffle on. Ill l get there I know I can. Hope yyur good, Dafty
I was wondering ( maybe it was the knock on my head???) but why do I have perfect vision in my eye that chooses not to work????If I could bloody well use it id be less more accident prone...and partner name would not be so shamed. Thats not to say hes been bad( he has) I know , but its not fair on him that I wonder around the streets with bruises and cuts and scrapes all the time, and really half of them are my own doing. I never stop with huirting myself, and I dont know maybe I used ex lax to give me some control over everything else so I could keep the fat off and eat without the fear of getting fat or eat without the guilt,., But then I get annoyed with people who tell me to look after myself , and I cant I cant do such a basic thing. Occassionaly a we voice pops into my head and says dont do that, please and its total cognitive dissonance.Oh man...better go Thanks Jack for letting me waffle on. Ill l get there I know I can. Hope yyur good, Dafty
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I hope this place is hard to find!
I had ( a reasonably good time) at my dads- though step mums parent has gone into hospital, so I never saw her. But that was okay, it meant we could do some talking....and we did.
Okay, until I could not take my chill pill, and found myself panicing and crying come today. I hope no one here really knows me, I would not like my loved ones to know what info Ive disclosed about them ( which is unintentional, though ) I know I have done so much badness.
Anyway, In the main, i found out stuff about my dads family and my own family. Really tired and just felt so alone. i went MEEEENNNTAAAAL, this morning, and I did not really have any reason to start worrying the way I did about everything, but I did, I paniced just about everything, and could do little to hide my fear, My dad looked concerned and asked if I had taken my pill, Of course I had not. ( I did when I came home, and it helped almost immediately) But half of me was hoping that I would not need it anymore, that I am not going mad. I feel like I am going mad, yet deep down inside of me know I havenow a reserve which I could hopefully use, But its not there ( Okay thats well very confusing) But I dont want to fall into my unearthly ways again and feel so alone but it seems to be happening. Oh heck I make no sense.
I found out about my dads brother and things. He was younger than my dad and apparently has tried to commit suicide many a time, ( of what we kno) But there has been no contact with this man . When we were children we were warned by not only my mum but my dad too that he was bad news. Some way along the liines he eneded up in jail. To this day no one knows what has happened to him. Anyway. I just felt freaked out this weekend, and very insecure about stuff and I also found out that my mum did miss carry when she was expecting me, and that she was on bags of pills before they tried ( doctors) to write me off, ( any wonder why I am the wreck I am?) I found this interesting as all my life Ive sought to seek twins as friends without thinking about it or ever wondering why I did. Does that make any sense?
okay, I am back at work tomorrow, and really I need to do something to persever with my degree- but I am tooscared!!!
I know I waffle on about myself here, and folks especially jack , anytime you want to waffle on a bit, I will freely and gladly be here for you. I know I think a bit different form others, but that doesnt make it wrong-does it? Anyway, ive got to go take care
I had ( a reasonably good time) at my dads- though step mums parent has gone into hospital, so I never saw her. But that was okay, it meant we could do some talking....and we did.
Okay, until I could not take my chill pill, and found myself panicing and crying come today. I hope no one here really knows me, I would not like my loved ones to know what info Ive disclosed about them ( which is unintentional, though ) I know I have done so much badness.
Anyway, In the main, i found out stuff about my dads family and my own family. Really tired and just felt so alone. i went MEEEENNNTAAAAL, this morning, and I did not really have any reason to start worrying the way I did about everything, but I did, I paniced just about everything, and could do little to hide my fear, My dad looked concerned and asked if I had taken my pill, Of course I had not. ( I did when I came home, and it helped almost immediately) But half of me was hoping that I would not need it anymore, that I am not going mad. I feel like I am going mad, yet deep down inside of me know I havenow a reserve which I could hopefully use, But its not there ( Okay thats well very confusing) But I dont want to fall into my unearthly ways again and feel so alone but it seems to be happening. Oh heck I make no sense.
I found out about my dads brother and things. He was younger than my dad and apparently has tried to commit suicide many a time, ( of what we kno) But there has been no contact with this man . When we were children we were warned by not only my mum but my dad too that he was bad news. Some way along the liines he eneded up in jail. To this day no one knows what has happened to him. Anyway. I just felt freaked out this weekend, and very insecure about stuff and I also found out that my mum did miss carry when she was expecting me, and that she was on bags of pills before they tried ( doctors) to write me off, ( any wonder why I am the wreck I am?) I found this interesting as all my life Ive sought to seek twins as friends without thinking about it or ever wondering why I did. Does that make any sense?
okay, I am back at work tomorrow, and really I need to do something to persever with my degree- but I am tooscared!!!
I know I waffle on about myself here, and folks especially jack , anytime you want to waffle on a bit, I will freely and gladly be here for you. I know I think a bit different form others, but that doesnt make it wrong-does it? Anyway, ive got to go take care
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Hey Jack 52, how are you, ? Not heard from you in a while, ( Pff!!!) ,aybe you needed a break.
Okay, I am not so good, felt really bad last nigth and ran for the bottle of wine, drank it and then some, feel like a stupid queen today. Dreaming up about things, like how my mum and I could open a boutique ( despite the fact she controls my behind) Huh...dont know where that one came from Poor women, ( having me as a daughter) I feel for her , I really do!
Been sittin on my step crying all morning. Got t o the front door and couldnt fae going inside my smelly filthiy flat and to him lying in bed, ( The best bed in the house) Thats what I want to do Lie down and sleep, but god no, Not a moment. Washing kids clothes, Its red nose day and thinking about all the other suffering in the worlds and just cry. I mean, Ive sort of made my mind up on a few things. That I am either a psychopath or he is, and that either way there is no room for him in my equations for the future. ( Shame, I never thought Id ever think that my happiness would superceed my childrens , but there you have it. I guess the ultimate decision and the final denominator is the fact that if I dont get out of this situation soon Ill either die from a stupid night drinking or I will inevitably kill myself...I dread the future in some ways as the idea of being a part of an extended family and doing eactly what I never ever wished for my children probably will shorten my all ready shortlived life. ( If you get me) But I am terrified and think I need some other thing to focus on to escape, ( like studing) Grr ! Sorry tired toady.
Hypo mum is coming over and she sems so hyper ( for someone who is going into hospital and getting her guts stitched up ) and she really does not seem to listen.
Oh I feel stupid, going now, I hope you are oding okay Hope to hear from you soon. Me, I am not so good, but maybe this is all in the good measure to make happiness appear in the sunlight. I dont know and what kind of silly things am I coming out with today . Some times I dribbles- do I not? Oh , work seems a bit better, but just feel so sad and they all seem so happy so excirted about life and so able. Oh must dash , Must have a shower I smell!
Okay, I am not so good, felt really bad last nigth and ran for the bottle of wine, drank it and then some, feel like a stupid queen today. Dreaming up about things, like how my mum and I could open a boutique ( despite the fact she controls my behind) Huh...dont know where that one came from Poor women, ( having me as a daughter) I feel for her , I really do!
Been sittin on my step crying all morning. Got t o the front door and couldnt fae going inside my smelly filthiy flat and to him lying in bed, ( The best bed in the house) Thats what I want to do Lie down and sleep, but god no, Not a moment. Washing kids clothes, Its red nose day and thinking about all the other suffering in the worlds and just cry. I mean, Ive sort of made my mind up on a few things. That I am either a psychopath or he is, and that either way there is no room for him in my equations for the future. ( Shame, I never thought Id ever think that my happiness would superceed my childrens , but there you have it. I guess the ultimate decision and the final denominator is the fact that if I dont get out of this situation soon Ill either die from a stupid night drinking or I will inevitably kill myself...I dread the future in some ways as the idea of being a part of an extended family and doing eactly what I never ever wished for my children probably will shorten my all ready shortlived life. ( If you get me) But I am terrified and think I need some other thing to focus on to escape, ( like studing) Grr ! Sorry tired toady.
Hypo mum is coming over and she sems so hyper ( for someone who is going into hospital and getting her guts stitched up ) and she really does not seem to listen.
Oh I feel stupid, going now, I hope you are oding okay Hope to hear from you soon. Me, I am not so good, but maybe this is all in the good measure to make happiness appear in the sunlight. I dont know and what kind of silly things am I coming out with today . Some times I dribbles- do I not? Oh , work seems a bit better, but just feel so sad and they all seem so happy so excirted about life and so able. Oh must dash , Must have a shower I smell!
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Okay, my foot is so so sore, but been googling( dont think it was a good isea!). met my mum, she was lovely, and brill. Sometimes she just amazes me!
I spoke a little a bit about how I feel to her- Sje states"its just a man thing" I am thinking, how can you be so blazay about it? But maybe shes right- I cant fathom it out. I refuse to sleep in the same bed as I dont feel clean or remotely love from him. I feel I am a burden to him, I think he thinks Ive set him back - or something. Then there is theother side of it, the other side thats goes on in my head- why does he put up with me? and then I have this agonising fear that he is having an affair, then again, I think well Hey I had his kids so whoever she is can just enkoy the moment. Its not like it will last long and so on. .I just feel that I am unattranattractive, and that he maybe could do better?
I also googled Lupuis disease- I am scared that that is what I have. Please someon etell me I am wrong. I think I am a hypocondriact- but who wouldnt be under the circumstances./ Then I think , well sod it , I only get what I deserve, i practically killed my twin never mind my mum s suffering , never mind anything else. Just sad. But love my gals. Oh, for someone to talk - would be good. Must go>
I spoke a little a bit about how I feel to her- Sje states"its just a man thing" I am thinking, how can you be so blazay about it? But maybe shes right- I cant fathom it out. I refuse to sleep in the same bed as I dont feel clean or remotely love from him. I feel I am a burden to him, I think he thinks Ive set him back - or something. Then there is theother side of it, the other side thats goes on in my head- why does he put up with me? and then I have this agonising fear that he is having an affair, then again, I think well Hey I had his kids so whoever she is can just enkoy the moment. Its not like it will last long and so on. .I just feel that I am unattranattractive, and that he maybe could do better?
I also googled Lupuis disease- I am scared that that is what I have. Please someon etell me I am wrong. I think I am a hypocondriact- but who wouldnt be under the circumstances./ Then I think , well sod it , I only get what I deserve, i practically killed my twin never mind my mum s suffering , never mind anything else. Just sad. But love my gals. Oh, for someone to talk - would be good. Must go>
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XD Hey gosh re read info on Lupus-hopefully I dont have that!I reckon Ive come here to distract myslef from that counselling applicattion form. I mean really If you want CBT find it yourself. Really, that CPN woman said sged refer me on- she didnt just mention that once but oh could be three times. I dont see any referral popping in my letterbox? Anyway, thats not to be taken as a dig at her as I do think she did some good for me ( some way along the line) I do sometimes think about some of the nice things she said to me, and rethink them through , and this is the thing, knowing that Ive not been looking after myself and thinking OMG I am going to get my toe cut off, that I popped out and bought some fuit, fruit juice and vegetables. Ive got to say thats a step in the right direction I am thinking more like I used to , but I am worried that I will always need medication to help me boost my daft mind or maybe its hormone related or just abuse. I dont know but I am fed up being sinnisiutssy and anyone ( if you read this) Yo iu can probably tell I am feeling much better. I did quietly ask my partner for a divorce when he stacked the dishes in the kitchen , but he just laughed. Oh and then said"Good@" well it didnt even upset me, The only thing that upsets me now is all these sacrs and now I am worried about my toe and my veins and I wonder if I will ever be able to do the business agian. Not that I want to with him, ( though thats the thing) I just want to feel speacil in somesort of way to someone. I find it sole destroying , but on reflection I dont think anyone is capable of loving me in that weway. That makes me feel like a reject, but then I think maybe I was just put here to be abused, or maybe just get on with other living and forget about it. I dont know what I am trting to say. i feel my anxiety come on everytime my toes cramp and I am scared of all of that and weel my balance is starting to key off slightly and everything is skewed to the right...mind you it is my right side of body that works. God, I waffle. I better go and do this application form before I die
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Okay, been binging on rubbish I cant stop eating and now I think I am going to be sick!!1Still not done application and cat been curled up on me. I feel so sick oh oh. This is the scary thing I though an ssri was suppose to prevent weight gain etc, so far Ive put on half a stone and I feel really heavy, but this is the thing even though my foot hurts and my sinuses are sore and sometimes my beely aches it just isnt as bad as where my head was this time last year. I still feel lonely ( Ocassionally) and everything sort of ssems to flash sometuimes ( its like a wee devil popping into my head now and then ) but hmmm. The thing is will I feel like this without medication? Could I? I am also worried that I am not feeling what I am supposed to feel. Oh I guess time will tell, The big test will be at the end of the month when I have to look after my mum ( but this will be different as its only procedure, it not like it could be a massive tumour as had been thought ) and I guess I could put more trust into the medics ( not like when my aunt died) and maybe things will be okay for a bit ( I dont know) Oh posted some nonsense on here about the female condom. I think that thing is so funny I mean there is equality and equality?????? I mean, its far easier for a man to put a condom on than it is for a woman and quicker. mind you you could have quite a comedy trying to put that thing on and oh desr,. I mean what kind of man would do that to w woman and really thats torture and that really is Definately some people are sick!!!!!! Oh better go do my application form argh!!! I just scared Ill get another rejection. I should try my best for once, ( that might make the difference between sliding in the door, bweing pushed, tripped up or swung around and chucked right back out. Oh god why do I do that . Then I always go back to that moment before Becca ( my youngest popped out.) Make it to the hospital ( just) and then wlak in the wrong doors qwhen I say walk I mean hobble, I mean I could hardly walk, Then bend over the receptions desk and scream HHHHHHHHHHHHeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllppppppppppppppp, I m having a baby ( doh!_). Okay, Ill go now application, application, ...oh no...just gone mad....Now I am thinking about what my partner said about 10 mins ago "ARE YOU ON YOUR......" nio, NOW FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF" jUST AS WELL NO CHILDREN WERE AROUND oh dear Id better go stop waffling on, when am I gouimg top grow up!!!! Oh and erm....I knowq I need some back bone, so why have i got spots all down my spine??????? My toe is hurting, its just a total different thing though. It really is. I wouldn wish how I was feeling on anyone......oh wait a minute....then again ...BNo I wouldnt..Oh Im off, bye ...dont wish me luck, cause all the ducks are swimming in the water oh fffffffffff frigging france, filthy fransoh
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I dont know what it is? I re read my application, and its just never anygood. I did an IQ test ( not that they mean anything) really should try an EQ tesy, ( obviously hets in the way. I scored over 140-is that good? Anyway, my emotions are all over the place, and feeling really insecure. Toe hurts like hell now, I have this image. It was my first thought when my GP said "amputation"is the worst scenario, I just looked at him saw my toe, then my foot and imaged myself one-legged in a wheelchair. Where I live its not an uncommon site, except the one leeged seem to be rolling out of pubs, ( thaat wasnt a joke either-its fact) Oh well, I do like to write boring novels about ME, but its better than ranting on the phone to some disinteresdted friend or speaking to my partner who uses every insecurity I have against me ( Or is that just the way I see things?) I dont know? I know I am getting better, but will I ever be the sane Katy that I used to be and what ifs, just happen all the time , I feel like I should be tied to an oxygen tank , just to make sure I dont myss any more breaths. You know, I do that sleep thing ( apparently) where I stop breathing . Done that all my life to ...thats if I ever sleep. Oh must go....I dont know ...see the thing is I really really want to do this course . I think Id be good at it.I could help others out, and I dont need a medicine degree to do that ( thankfully) id be too busy fainting. i cant stand the site of blood, and if its mine I shake and quake in my boots. Even when I get my womanly things I hate it, and get so paranoid. God, right I am going now, anyone want to chat?
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I used to get caught ( when Living in Halls ) at Uni by my friends ( being a bit hyperactive, swinging from the lights) i never thought anything of it. last night, I couldnt even drink , the thought disgusted me, and dont know what happened I just went happy and danced till 3 am , Now I am up and all soreAnd worried as this aint normal behaviour for a mother of 2, at the end of a relationship-is it? ( then again, whose to say what noraml and what isnt, I mean really bbbbbbbbbbbbbbboooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiingg!!!! Hmmm, Oh well, I dont know, toe is hurting. my big sis says theyll chop it off and so dies my dad. Well, thanks for that guys Oh then followed by the "youve never really felt pain before so that s going to hurt" eh ....yeah!!!! Oh hope they are wrong, but then again If they are right Ill just get on with it. Yeah, do think I could ask to keep it, if they do decide that thats the better optiono for me. Do you think I could , it is part of me...I d invite people especially the stuck up types , round for lunch and then go Llllooooooooooooooooookkk - gues what that is!!!!!!!!
Oh boy, still not done my application form - could you do it for me. I hate theses things!!!!
Oh boy, still not done my application form - could you do it for me. I hate theses things!!!!
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Im really tired and nose blocked and fading fast. Going to bed soon. Worried and paniced as found lumps and hope to god its nothing but panic, and sore and Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
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