Uncontrollable emotions

I feel dreadful. Emotionally drained. I just cant shake this. its c@@@p.....I dont know. You know when you dont feel well, like sick, I feel like that right now. Really I shoud not be this bad. Whats that you say? "Shes as much use as a chocolate teapot melting on a hot stove", and empty wine bottle( Mind you wishing that was full at the mo - not had any yet, but the thoughts there. I feel so exhausted but know I cant sleep. My stomach is sore and its not right. Just fed up I guess this will pass. I just feel useless. Its not good. Couldnt face going to my mum s today and now feel guilty. But okayish I guess all things considering. This year so far, has beeen dire, but its just life. thats all it is Oh and the other, but god is it going to ever get any better?

oh god yeah, and silly bf did not tell his own elderly father about friends and it made me really angry with all of them. Why o why? Then I had to stand next to him , and because hes deaf he kept saying really stupis things at top of his voice ( not realising how loud and ridiculous his coments were) Not that they were maybe it wass due to his own shock _ oh I dont know, but that set me off and grrrr!!!! Sorry want be helping anyone here either, just rambling trying to let it loose so that it doesnt keep seeping away at me. Or what sorry digging away at me..I just want to enjoy life and my children like I used to stop snapping etc, and stay focused acjieve what I intend to without sweating and trembling and fearing the worrst all the time. then there is my job..I lie the people yet sometimes they make me feel so incompetent and as though I well ( maybe I am ) in the wrong job. but I just cant priortise something so basic against my crazy head. I mean really , the way I see it is , oh rambling Ill shut up. Must go.
Sorry, I just neede to ramble, hope everyone is okay.

Weel, ( not!)

This is ridiculous!!!!!!! I am still in my jammies ( pyjamas) Cant get out of my room and playing on computer since I got out of bed. I am just tring to escape and cant cope with the mess of my life. I really want to go on hholiiday ( but unhealthily) alone!!! Thinking...I might just go dissapear I have nothing going for me, I am a useless mum ,and just dull!!!!!! I just dont care about things like I used to and I thought I was okay. I thought after the conversation Id be all rigth, I am exhausted and have sore kidneyys or something in my back that hurts and oh god I am fed up being bnloody miserable,. I cvcant cope with my child asking for things and asking for things. Or evemn tryin g to hoover or clean a dish. or try and anything. Why bother, I just fail!!!! I just dont care!!! Whats wrong with me???

I dont think Ill ever be happy,Maybe thats my destination. Maybe someone needs to be miserable all the time to make others seem happier. Someone has to remain at the botttom so that others can renain at the top. Anyway, I feel like sh*t. I want to leave I want to be on my own. Children just look at me like I am crazy and all my partner says is "Oi" and noone but no one can get htrough to me,. . I wish Id kept my stupid crazy mouth shut. I hate the fact he watches me cry on a daily basis. he never gives me a chance...not really he doesnt care that I dont feel myself and f**k it..Iam leaving. Oh dont know why I am blasting my stuff out here. Even my daughter annoys me , adn thats not normal , I ask her to do ne small thing and nope nope nope that would be far too much to expect. Pfff, maybe thats it maybe I expect to much out of life and dont try hard enough. But then these words coming from my mum :Prems never catch up" and oh my partner "Youll never get a ggood job" and then his brother his brother who said "You are just an incapable" Well, heard it all tried to fight it as hard as I could. Sod it Ive had enough!

Honestly, I dont want to be like this, but I am the more I fight the worse I get oh, but calmed...I went for a walk ...Something struck me ..like whether I would really do it to me and to my family...and then it struck....I remeber a friend I was at scholol with ( probably repeating myself) 2years ago ...could be more now, he jumped of a bridge in this city which I live....He was gay aand a prison officer. He had been accused of something awful and no one believed that he was innocent. he got drunk and then jumped. I guess thats why drinking is such a bad thing to do whne you feel so c**p. Okay anyway, 2 weeks later he died from a broken neck. I know I go on about how sh*t I felel and believem eI do. I see others around me, makinga good go of things going on holidays abroad getting engaged , getting good jobs. Weellll, at the moment I am far behing all that, ...but maybe I could see it, just like I did many times before that this will pass. itas just another phase, just as when my children were babaiwes, or my mum was sick, or anyway, thanks for letting me vent out. I feel a bit more relieved now. I know too that there are some sickoos out there that would test this ...well sorry, thats not what I mean , my feelings are genuine. I cant seem to control how I think . It hurts that I have now told people close to me as to why I feel sh*t..and its as though they cant care enough nevermind what else they do wring. but perhaps they are not doing anything wrong- awe boy, dont think Ill l ever be understood. Anyway, holding it together. May even go eat something and then sleep for a while. Ive also been noticing how when I eat I now haver to sleep for ages. maybe I am revovering form a long journey of mid winter blues.

I ksut cant shake my mood, and been behaving like a lonely . Virtually tied myyself to this computer cause cant cope. Instead os screaming about the dishes and the clothes washing I stood over the sink and cried while washing them . Stopped cryinh once done.

I want to go back to bed and sleep. I cant get to sleep though. I just lie there and wonder when its all going to stop.

Am I going crazy. This is really worrying me, I had a nurse support worker person help me for ages, but I guess I didnt need her help that much as ( there seems little she could really do forme) and to be honest I htink it wrong that a psychiatric person trying to help someone out who takes thing sseriously all the time, should not make light hearted coments on the facts ( of whivh I am not supoosed to mention) that me gran had schizo and you know that , she said " oh , yeah, eveyones gran was and blah blah blah" Well, no wonder my dad is the way he is, I mean so you ask for help and its almost as if its just not to be taken seriously Does she not know how this destroys the ill persons life , and the other individuals around ( for the rest of their live) sorry m,, just something that I dont think shoud be taken lightly Oh give me another 5 mins I am sure Ill be back here again ...oohh someone help me sleep.

Well, slept virtually the whole day yesterfay...got up late ...watched something rubbish on the tv and then paniced about how I was going to sleep. I looked in my medicine cupbard and thought, sod it, Ill go back on that Mirtazipine stuff, at least I sleep and at least I am calmer. ( Just worried about the weight gaine etc). Anyway, though I am still in pyjammas I feel much better- though worried that these pills will effect my performance at work.

I also did not realise it before, but I have been so paranoid without medication. I had told my psychiatric nurse previous- but I dont think she took me seriously on it. I do know I get obsessed abouth people and things and find I am thinking the wrong things all the time and not focusing on what I should? What is this and why do I do it?


Anyway, stuff work , if I am feeling much better and my family can cope with me better , I am happier, and thats that. Yeah my relationships not perfect ( god, forbid hes gone out to make the kids beds into bunkbeds- I am so worried. the last time he made the girls a bed, he nearly lost his finger. I remeber running out the kitchen as the blood spurted up everywhere.Like something out a cruger film. Anyway, thought Id let you know folks. Must dash. Take care everyone!

I just feel raw. If I offend anyone then I am genuinely sorry, but if I find something funny then I am genuinely happy. Just feel uncomfortable with myself. other people my age can hold back stop the tears rolloing but not me. I just get so upset at the slightest little thing and oh my god, today was not good. Crying in the streets, couldnt talk to people at work ( with thoughts of they dont care, so why should I) and worse, leaving work and wondering where i should take my body. Just been so down. Luckily I have my children and that helps me to do the correct thing, but I am scared just like I reacted on saturday to bad stuff, of what I might do , i mean on Saturday got so upset about situation and that not one dish had been done I satrted to smash them up. b****r that though, costs a lot of monet and gave me endless vleaning and then followed by an enormous guilt trip and me questioning my sanity.Am I going insane?

Dafty... I am terribly sorry to have left you alone for so long.

I too have been going thru sum sh*t. To tell u the truth, I have been doing not much but sleeping myself. I set an alarm to wake up for class, but I just turn it off n go rite back to sleep, staying asleep till about 6pm or 1800 (whichever way u look at time) Then I stay up until about 5 or 6am. I havent been online much, I just looked at skool email and no less than three teachers are mad at me, sayin I missed so much Im bouta get kicked out, and four teachers say I have missed tests... Things are looking rather bleak.

But do not fret, you are not crazy, you, like me, are just emotional.. I have been trying to move on since breaking up with ex gf, but hasnt been great. I haven't touched another female, but I know she has slept with other guys, and has cheated on me before I broke up with her. Sometimes I think about going out to get laid, it would be easy as girls are throwing themselves at me since I became single, but I have no sex drive as of late, and anything just reminds me of how much I miss her...

I called her up the other night to question her about why she would text me something so mean "you are FUCKN nasty" is her exact words. She wouldnt tell me what tha hell she was talkin bout and I, the one who has touched no one since her, from her, tho one who is acting like a s***! She would only say "you know what I'm talkin about..." I had no idea, or I wouldnt have called I yelled, and was so upset, I sed sum hurtful stuff, she hung up.. I called back to apologize for harsh words and again ask why she would say stuff so mean, and she at 3am had another guy answer the phone... It hurt so bad, I dont even know why. He tried to act all tuff of course cuz he had sex with her, and prolly wanted more, but I snapped, I literally wanted to kill him... I couldnt control it, I told him to act like a man, and confront me instead of just talk sh*t... he wouldnt, then I told him t obe a REAL man, and if he wanted to enjoy sex with her, be a real man and take care of her, respect her like she deserves, take care of her kids, and treat her like a woman, not sum b***h... He hung up.. I lost it, I nearly woke up the whole city howling in rage, I wanted blood, and I also wanted my own death... I didnt no if I would drive to find them... Or just drive myself off of a bridge....

I wound up calling my grandfather at 4am.. I had to talk to him before I did sumthing drastic, (had no one else to call) and he helped me calm down and see reason, I was shaking and trembling and crying my heart out, in rage, anger, sadness, and frustration.
He reminded me how she was not right for me (obvious) wich soothed me sum. What hurt the most was that I still care for her, and what she is doing to herself (also blaming me for what shes doing...) and he reminded me that I am a passionate person who loves all people and it hurts to see people do bad things to themselves... He told me to examine myself, and how I felt... And to think, as much as I care for her, how much more does Jesus care for her, and how much does it hurt him? Jesus with his infinite love, who died to forgive our sins, and his lost child (crystal) is hurting herself (and me) with these horrible decisions, (sleeping with sumone just to get a ride sumwhere!!!! AAAGGGGHHHHH FUCKK SHE A frikkin w****!! I want to wring her neck!!) Sigh.... but he continues to love... and so should I... The only thing left is for me to move on, and to pray for her...

I am sorry, I have rambled.. I just want you to know that we all go thru ruff times, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel (even when it sooo far away, or you can't even see it at all........) Keep your chin up, as my father just told me.. "To live, is to love, and to love is to live..."

What he told me, helped me soo much. Without love, we are corpses. Without love, we do not fully live. He told me a sad tale of an old friend of his, (dead now) that helped me look at things in a positive life..

Loneliness, and rejection hurt so much.. But the pain of rejection is worth it, when we seek to love ourselves and those around us. Do not forget to love, Dafty, else you will never live fully.

Remember that you are loved. I love you, keep your chin up! You know that your children, and family loves you... And I know that you aren't religious, but I promise you.. I promise, Jesus loves you and believe me, he hurts when you hurt, just because you hurt. He feels and understands you pain more than anyone else ever can.. If you trust me, find a quiet time when you are alone and by yourself. Reach out with your heart, and talk to Jesus. I cannot tell you how my burdens have been lifted through prayer.. As your friend, please give this a chance... Open your heart to Jesus, the one who loves us so much that he died, for me... and for you... Just ask for comfort.. Ask for help, to take away your pain, and to ease your burdens.. If you only ask, he will provide..

Take care Dafty,

AND OH!! I dont always remember to visit this page... please, use my email address to make sure to contact me, you can post here, but send me and email to talk to me personally, or just to tell me to check here..

Take care

**edited by moderator**emails not allowed**

Hi Jack 52, thank you so much for your previous post. I found it touching, especially as you are going thru so soo much yourself!

Your ex girlfriend is giving you a hard time- isnt she? I mean really, I think she lacks respect!! Dont beat yourself up about her- dont do it,.its not worth it. Sorry, but Ive not been feeling well, at all. So do not know if this is very clear.

Okay, I dont beliee in prayer etc, but I do think that there is a course of fait. Ie, that things happen for a reason. Sorry, but feeling really nervous right now. Erm, my partners brother has got his girfriend pregnant, shes 41 and he nearly 50. ( ithink thats totally iresponsible) In fact before i banter on about how I cannot email in confidence, I better go before he catches me, take care of you Jack 52, Dont give up ( she aint worth it)

Jack , ihopeyou got my message, Who Knows...I stupidily startes to e-mail my dad.

I wanted to say something toyou. When I was in 3rd year , I fell in love with a guy,,,, that i will always think fondlu off...he treated me so well ( at that time) WE went out for a small , very small while, he was brill tome, ( really special),

Anyway, he nevr told me some hidden truths about himself, wed also met on rebound ( my fault) But I remeber it, the best time of my life. i was happy, I thought the guy I was with thought the same. he did ( for a bit)3 mnths later he broke it off. I found out hed gone back tohis ex and that theyd hasd had a child together ( bluh!) Ive never had a guy that just likes me.

I'm glad that you know, and trust your kids, you can't live trusting nobody. It would kill you, would never find happiness. Sometimes, we have to trust, especially doctors... I knew that something must be up since you talk about your toe botherin you really bad every now and then. If it's been hurting you so much for this long, then you need to get it checked out. If you have the money, then I'm tellin you as a friend, that you should get it checked out. I will leave other things unsaid, because I respect your privacy, but I think about you alot and hope that everything turns out ok for you and your family. For any upcomming events in your life, or those around you, sometimes we have to put trust and have faith in others to take care of us, because we can't do everything by ourselves....

Take care Dafty

Hi Jack 52, how are you?

I have one of those unusal up days, where I am happy , oh and thats for no good reason. I was so happy today I was making comic strips in my head ( some of which were really disgusting) For inastancew, should I tell you, okay it might ( hopefully help you to smile) So Here I was steaming clothes at my work ( its like ironing, but you ) Oh cant explain what it is like, but steam comes out this machine andd takes the wrinkles out ( Could do with one for my face) anyway, so I am thinking about the woman who steams the clothes and her face gets steamed while shes doing it,,,,,,,,and then all her blackheads go pop.....she doesnt notice, and then proceeds to the shop floor with all this puss seeping down her cheeks( Sorry I know its grotesque ) Its a grotesque image, but it made me laugh...and I keep doing these silly things keep thinking up these things On a good day They are rare though believe me. Then when I explain my thoughts to others ...they just look at me like I am a complete tosser.....anyway, now can feel myself slidding back down giggle over and here I go.

Oh there was another thing that made me giggle. My sister s friend used to be an alcoholic ( he is truly mad) He also used to be the headteacher , anyway, he had a hospital appointment, and em got fed-up waiting so chosse to go for a sleep in one of the beds. A nurse found him and he got a big row!!!!!!!! Oh i thought it quite amusing. Id never have the nerve to do that Guilt would take over.

Okay, its almost like a mechanism to escape pretend nothing bad is happening...and then when I realise ...sh**s happening..I am battered emotionally and okay not discussing anything. Feeling a bit insecuie about mums op and worried partner want spport me. Mum goes in at the end of March...I just need her to rest proper not hang out the washing. The problem with her though is that she is toatlly perfectionistic ( og
now I am talking gobbilly ) and oh gosh not had anything to drink.

The other thing though is I think peole keep giving me odd looks , like "Is she on drugs?" I look now , and think yip, but wtf do you care? Thats terriible-isnt it? Maybe they ar elooking at me cause I look so good0Not!!!! Oh anyway, Id better be off.

It was good to hear form you , hope Ive cheered you up.Taken to p,aying my nintendo ds now for escapism, but proble,m is Im not getting anything remotely done.

Toe is hurting my entire foot, and think the other toes have swollen, and finding t to difficult to wear that thing. Oh No!!!!

Hi Jack, and anyone else who may reaf this. Hope your good jack and things are improving for you.

I dont know...I thought I was doing a lot better, but then suddenly ...whoosh and the nervous thing is back. I dont know what happened Its just all got too mych and I cant get of the bog ( toilet to others who do not know that slang) Okay , sweating, a lot and just yuck! Cried all morning and hid. now I am a bit better but my silly nerves want tame themselves.

tried to get rid of this sinisitus problem, but nothing happening and even after steaming my face ( ha hathat was funny , dint mention the blackheads) I eh...felt no relief and head is thumping. Anyway, tomorrow might be better ( who knows) but grrrr! I even anger myslef in this cocoon of madness!!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Its a gorgeous day here. I cant get out my room, just thinking things over and just feel really sore, everthing aches, and have developed a strange rash at the bottom of my right leg , anyway, was thinking about getting out of bed saying as I have 2 lovely very happy children. But just feel so c**p and then I get up. its nearly midday, and just wish he liked me more than he does. I wish , thats all i wish. Why does he make me feel so inferior, or is that my complex? Oh god if only I knew, i just dont jnow what I am doing. i think that if someone was to truly truthfully love me, they wouldnt pllay on my insane insecuritites, in the knowledge of whats been , said, and done and everything. Oh god, now I am talking nonsense again. i think today, I ll go for a long walk with the girls and just think things through a bit. I cant stop thinking that I am going to die soon too, I cant get it out my head. I dont know why I feel like this. Oh anyway, hopefully something funny will pop into my head soon.

Oh god, yeah supposed to be getting a birthday pressie for my partner and I end up spending lots on myself and I need more clothes like I need more flippin hair dye, or a sore toe or a needle in the eye. Oh right going now, this will pas it will itr will it will.

Oh well, I still feel really awful, Went out , got partner his pressie, but it was hell. Cant believe I had my daughter with me ( thankfully) She sat at the back of the bus singing at the top of her voice. three crows sat on a wall, oh it was sweet, but then after going to my work etc, I had this blinding panic that I was going to pee myself . Had to run to the lou , thinking I was going to wet myself. i dont know am i coming out in sympathy with my mum? Okay, just made it. and nothing . Anyway, then we ccome home and I am sitting on the bus with my daughter who is happy with her teddy bear and iam sitting and everything is flashing by me. Everything, Even this,,,even sitting at my computer , ,,,I dont know whats happening....anyway, sitting there on the bus,,,,cant bloody breathe ,,,trying to get that breathe of air, but I feel clogged. So just accepting that I cant breathe.

I think people dont like me. I cant get my head round some events from last year...I think Im going mad!!!