Why There's No 'Easy Formula' For Healing After Rape

Very recently, approximately 20 years after I first became a rape victim, certain life events — notably receiving the news that my rapist had been sent to prison for doing the same to others — once again landed me in a state of mind where what happened became the center of my thoughts for a while and my daily functioning suffered.

Hoping to find solace and new coping techniques, I browsed the internet for help. Much of the rape recovery advice that I came across focused on that one story that is still stereotypical.

The advice directed to these women often centers on immediate coping mechanisms as well as navigating the legal system. The sequence of events is laid out rigidly — report, go through the legal system, get therapy, get better. 

The circumstances under which rape occurs are so much more varied than that, and statistics suggests that at least 90 percent of rape victims have a very different story. Rape victims may be men or children as well as women. Their attackers may be strangers, but they may also be people known to them. They could be formerly trusted friends, partners, or close relatives. Those seeking rape recovery advice may have been raped by multiple perpetrators, over longer periods of time. They may, at the time of turning to the web, still be subject to victimization. On the other hand, they could also first be looking for advice on recovery many years after being victimized. 

We're all so very different, and keeping that in mind, advice aimed at women who experienced stranger rape falls short for many. There is, at the end of the day, simply no such thing as "how to recover from rape in five easy steps", nor anything of the kind. (Which is also, ultimately, why I'm not attempting to offer any such advice here.)

Rape Recovery: Not A Linear Process 

RAINN, the rape, abuse and incest national network, describes an approximate progression of recovery for people who suffer from "Rape Trauma Syndrome", essentially a sub-category of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that applies to rape victims. Their description can be paraphrased as follows:

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1. In the Acute Phase, a period RAINN describes as occurring in the days and weeks after, people may react in three distinct manners. Being openly emotional and breaking down in various ways is one reaction, while instinctively reacting by becoming emotionally numb and convincing yourself that you are OK is another. A third possibility is a shell-shocked disorientation. 
2. The Outward Adjustment Phase is one in which you seek to get your life back on the road, to find a new normal. During this stage, your coping mechanisms may range from minimizing your own trauma and still convincing yourself you are fine to having your life taken over by thoughts about your trauma, seeking to consciously analyze what happened and why, and seeking to escape your pain through such behaviors as seeking to eliminate any reminders of what happened from your life, perhaps by physically moving away, avoiding people who know about your trauma, or turning to alcohol, drugs, food, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms. 
3. The Resolution Phase, during which life is no longer centered around your trauma, and you may truly be finding some closure. 

RAINN notes that the second phase is likely to feature such experiences as mood swings, anxiety, depression, fear, a sense of helplessness, denial, hyper vigilance or "always being on guard", withdrawing from family and friends, rage, flashbacks, and difficulty concentrating. RAINN is quick to add that rape recovery isn't a linear process, however. I agree. I experienced and continue to experience, cyclically, elements of all of the above. While finding a "new normal" is certainly possible, what that new normal will be like is highly individual.

Recovering From Rape Your Own Way

Your Recovery Is Your Recovery

I was a preteen when I became a rape victim, and while being victimized sought solace mainly in books, books that allowed me to escape the world in which I lived. I also made plans on how to get away from my rapist and frequently imaged an older version of myself appearing in front of me, telling myself that years from that point, I would be fine. After the rapes ended when I moved away, as a teenager, I lost myself in my studies and in work, constantly telling myself that I was really OK and didn't sustain any long-term emotional damage from what happened. At the same time, I struggled with angry outbursts and alcohol abuse. (You will recognize phases one and two of RAINN's list there.)

Years later, after I had found a loving and understanding partner and had kids, I realized that I really wasn't fine. The strong coping mechanism that is denial had finally worn off, and I knew I needed to undertake different steps if I wanted to be a good mother and a human who felt OK with myself. It was at that point that I sought therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in my case. Therapy was helpful in that I got to talk openly about my feelings to someone trained and paid to listen to me. It marked a very distinct milestone in my recovery process, but it was the processing I did by myself after therapy, including talking with relatives and friends about what had happened, that really ushered in a new phase in recovery. (There's phase three!)

My story of recovery is my story of recovery, one that belongs to me and relates to my personal needs. My brain doesn't function in accordance with stereotypical advice, and neither will yours. Your story may be completely different, but one thing is almost guaranteed — while information about recovery such as that provided by RAINN can give you some global information along with hope that some form of being OK with yourself is truly possible may help, your recovery is as individual as you are. 

Thinking Outside Of The Box

Where do you look for information that helps you, then? Googling "healing from rape", as I did, may not be the answer at all. Personally, I have benefited most from talking to other rape victims, and in my case other victims of pedophiles concretely. Day-to-day coping with challenges, however, is a different story.

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Concretely, when you seek assistance during your recovery process, secondary wounding, in which people you enlist to help you process actually damage you further, is a real risk. The first person I really opened up to regarding my victimization, for instance, nearly completely dismissed my experience, while my therapist urged me to work on forgiving my rapist. Such things can add to your existing trauma in a very damaging manner.

Where do you look for advice on coping with the present reality and aftermath of rape? Coping techniques for cancer patients, she said, helped her more than coping techniques for rape victims. When still in danger, she benefited most from advice aimed towards active duty soldiers. And when navigating the legal system if you do report your rapist(s), you may learn a whole lot more from general business negotiating techniques than from materials specifically geared towards rape victims. Invaluable information is certainly available, but you may need to look outside of the box as well as deep in your soul. At the end of the day, recovery is about meeting your own needs, not those of others.