i had abortion yesterday and i cant stop crying. i didnt really want to have an abortion, i just didnt see a way of keeping them im only 18. he had a gf but he was my first and i loved him soooo much and still do. and we been messing around stupid i know. i was on the pill really didnt think it would ever happen to me and i didnt even miss my period so i didnt know untill i was sick one morning and did a test and it came back that i was. i cryed for days but the same day i booked myself in to have abortion cos i was scared and didnt know how to tell him, this was a tuesday. he text me firday night and i was upset and he knew something was wrong. i told him. he said he didnt want to be a dad and i could totally understand that. i didnt have anybody to tell cos i didnt wanna ppl to look down on me. him and i knew, for 2 week id wake up holding my belly. thinking what if i could keep it. and saying i was sorry to my belly silly i know. everytimes i spoke to him about it he say they was not alive and i would be sooo ugly and fat after if i kept it and nobody else would ever be with me. and to stop being silly. he saw it so black and white. i went to get a scan and book a date for abortion by myself that was really hard for me cos i didnt wanna do it. i saw the scan photos of 2 little white spots and my heart felt like it broke. the nurse didnt mean to show me i dont think. i went home and text and told him that it was twin and i was only 7 weeks gone and that id be having abortion the next day. he never text back. the next day was my abortion. i went by myself and now they r gone and i feel so empty and alone. i have nobody to talk 2. finding it so hard x
i just wanted to write it down and maybe somebody would read it and understand way i feel x
i just wanted to write it down and maybe somebody would read it and understand way i feel x
Oh, I am so sorry. I know you are in pain I been there before and one day you will have to forgive yourself cause that's the only way you will find peace. Is going to take time, and even help from others but I don't think your boyfriend will provide that help. You will need to find counselors or join a church group that deals with miscarriages or abortions. I hope this experience makes you grow. I know it was your decision to have the abortion but I think in part your decision to go on with it was because you didn't have the support of your boyfriend and that is a thing that none of us should do, to based our decisions based on what others think. A person that cares calls back and is there when you need them. This guy didn't even go with you to have the abortion. Now I understand you need to grief but with time find the support you need to forgive yourself and to be surrounded by people that care for you not people like your boyfriend that didn't support you when you needed him more. I hope you see that because now you have to go on and make choices in your life that are good for you and that are going to make you happy and not others. You are the most important person in your life and the people you love and love you back. Your babies are in heaven watching over you knowing that you didn't mean to do what you did. We do things sometimes cause we are confused and don't know better. I send you a big warm hug. Seek help please.
I know exactly how u feel. I had an abortion on aug 22,2009. At the time I wasn't in a promising
relationship with a man I loved or no, still love with All my heart. I'm always lAte
with my period so I didn't think anything of it cause I was on the pill too. I took
a test && those 2 pink lines showed up. Immediately I felt
numb & confused. What was I gonna do& what's he gonna do?
I thought about my future && mostly his. I didn't want him to give up
his dreams && hopes. I told him & at first we said okay we can do this. I was
19 &him 24. Had to work out some kinks & living situations but
we thought we were up for the challenge. A day later, it turned around
we decided to have an abortion. On august 22nd, I walked into
the clinic. I remember what I was wearing& every smell. When I
got to see the clinician she asked me " am I sure I want to do this"
I told her yeS but. I don't know why. I felt like I was screaming
inside & no one could hear me. Like my legs were bolted to floor
&& couldn't run out of there. Thinking about it make me cry:'( after
the whole thing I felt guilty & sad & angry. Our relationship didn't work
out & I think this had something to do with it. I don't know how
to move on or cope. My mom throws it in my face & my best
friend doesn't understand. I feel like I have to keep everything
inside. I don't want to for get him/her. The due date was April 8,2010. Every
month I thought I was suppose to be this big & my little baby
was this old. My baby could/would/should of been a month Already.
I miss the man that was suppose to be the father of my firSt born
but he seems to be moving on just fine. I don't know what to do or how to feel
I'm depressed & spend my days either at work so I could escApe or at the
gym. It's hard to wake up & think my life right now should be different.
relationship with a man I loved or no, still love with All my heart. I'm always lAte
with my period so I didn't think anything of it cause I was on the pill too. I took
a test && those 2 pink lines showed up. Immediately I felt
numb & confused. What was I gonna do& what's he gonna do?
I thought about my future && mostly his. I didn't want him to give up
his dreams && hopes. I told him & at first we said okay we can do this. I was
19 &him 24. Had to work out some kinks & living situations but
we thought we were up for the challenge. A day later, it turned around
we decided to have an abortion. On august 22nd, I walked into
the clinic. I remember what I was wearing& every smell. When I
got to see the clinician she asked me " am I sure I want to do this"
I told her yeS but. I don't know why. I felt like I was screaming
inside & no one could hear me. Like my legs were bolted to floor
&& couldn't run out of there. Thinking about it make me cry:'( after
the whole thing I felt guilty & sad & angry. Our relationship didn't work
out & I think this had something to do with it. I don't know how
to move on or cope. My mom throws it in my face & my best
friend doesn't understand. I feel like I have to keep everything
inside. I don't want to for get him/her. The due date was April 8,2010. Every
month I thought I was suppose to be this big & my little baby
was this old. My baby could/would/should of been a month Already.
I miss the man that was suppose to be the father of my firSt born
but he seems to be moving on just fine. I don't know what to do or how to feel
I'm depressed & spend my days either at work so I could escApe or at the
gym. It's hard to wake up & think my life right now should be different.
i honestly wasn't gonna come to this section cause it's still hard for me to cope w/ i planned on keeping mine i went to the doctors watched the sono heard the heartbeat and i had a 8 month old at home an my b/f felt it was best if i didn't have it but of course it killed me cause i wanted it..so i know what u are going through and u will get through it, i collapsed in the parking lot a screamed out my baby is gone and i remember it like it was yesterday and it still kills me, i just wish he knew what a felt so it is nice to know theres others out there to know what it feels like and yes i have regretted many times and it made our relationship difficult, but we got through it and you can too.. when it's your time again you'll know if it's right for you remember don't do it for anyone else but for yourself! You will be ok!
To all of my 'soul sisters'..I too have felt the pain of loss. Even though it was self-inflicted we have to understand that we are grieving that loss. The what-ifs can devastate, it can drive you to destruction. It wasn't until recently did I start to realize that the heart of all my problems ie: my anger, pain, hurt, arguments with my husband and the lack of self worth were in direct relation to what I had done. It wasn't till then that I could start to heal. Yes we have to accept responsibility, but we can not let past mistakes define who we are. See, I have not had just one, but several. For the past 10 years I have carried around guilt and shame. I had to decide to either let it go or die a slow painful death. I wanted desperately to be happy. For me, the first step was finding faith. I knew that if God could forgive me for such awful things, didn't I owe it to at least Him to forgive myself? I gave it all to Him, and believe it or not I felt the weight begin to lift. My husband also played an important part, he sat with me while I cried, screamed, and talked about the emotions of my past. I will never be able to thank him enough. You have to find a source, an outlet. You have to stop blaming yourself. You are more than that, and you are not who you once were. Now I have 3 beautiful children that I cherish dearly. Yes I still wonder, I still wish. I'm sure I always will, but at least now I have found some degree of peace. I hope you all will find that as well.
To everyone who is going through this i think we can all agree that we are not alone...
We need to do what's best for us. Even if it's not what we want to do.
Let's take this as a learning exspirence, and grow from this exspirence.
Im about to have an abortion myself.
I have so many thought's wrapped up in one.
Just remeber to not listen to anyone who may be against your decision.
But Also remeber Its YOUR body. YOUR decision.
DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOURSELF.
If you can't proivde for your child then you are making a responsible
choice for your future.
Everyone going through this shares a bond because everyone probably feels the same way.
Look at dozens of people writing to you and trying to help you out, including myself, so i can help myself heal.
BE STRONG.
you guys will get through it.
and one day when it's the right time for you.
you will have a family..
just be careful until then (;
hope this has helped somone.
We need to do what's best for us. Even if it's not what we want to do.
Let's take this as a learning exspirence, and grow from this exspirence.
Im about to have an abortion myself.
I have so many thought's wrapped up in one.
Just remeber to not listen to anyone who may be against your decision.
But Also remeber Its YOUR body. YOUR decision.
DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOURSELF.
If you can't proivde for your child then you are making a responsible
choice for your future.
Everyone going through this shares a bond because everyone probably feels the same way.
Look at dozens of people writing to you and trying to help you out, including myself, so i can help myself heal.
BE STRONG.
you guys will get through it.
and one day when it's the right time for you.
you will have a family..
just be careful until then (;
hope this has helped somone.
hi im 23 and been with my partner 7 years, for the last 2 years since coming of a contraceptive pill, we have been TTC, up to now we have had no luck when i was 17 i fell pregnant with my partner now and had an abortion, this is the biggest regret of my life and his especially as where trying so hard TC now , its now 6 years since i had my abortion, and nothing seems to stop me feeling that hurt, emptyness and sadness i felt from the day i had the abortion, many ppl have many reasons to why the time just isnt right, and at the time i had mine it just wasnt right for uz either! after all we where kids ourselves!! all i can suggest is have a really good think before you make an decisions and do NOT listen to anybody elses opinions as i did, i have recently after 6 years been adviced to go see a counciller to see if this can help! all the people around me seem to be having children, my best friends, family etc! and this seems to escalate my emotions and feelings even after all these years.
I had a abortition about a year and a half ago, and i still very guilty about. They made me get a ultrasound before the surgery and made me listen to the heart beat and see the baby inside of me. I was 4 months pregnant and i never knew i was pregnant because i still had my period. I still have the picture from the ultrasound safely put away. When i found out i was at a normal check up and decided to get a test. The nurse told me i was and instantly started to cry. Thank god my boyfriend was in the waiting room to come in and calm me down. The doctor said i was one of the unfortnuates to get pregnant while on the pill. So after the surgery i woke up and instantly felt guilty and a whole in my heart which i knew would never heal. IT's been about a year and a half and i know now i did the right thing then, but still feel that whole in my heart and cry every know and then. I would of loved to meet the little one. All i can say is there is absolutley nothing you can do for the past but you can do something for your future by learning from your past. Live every day like there will be no tomorrow or the guilt will slowly haunt you. I'm stronger now, more then i ever have been. Even through the surgery which you have to be strong for.
I don't know whether it's a relief or anger that I feel reading this. Relief I guess that I'm not alone,but so angry that noone tells u how much it affects the rest of ur life. I feel the same way all you women do. Every day,I just wish I could turn the clock back and do things different. It's bn 18 months for me and it still hurts so much. It feels surreal sometimes to think I could even do something so sinister. Sometimes I think I'm going insane with the amount of times a day I ask myself "what if" or "why didn't I just?" and if only. I got rid of my little angel because a friend of mine threatened my reputation. I was listening to all these party plans and thinking I can't do all these things if I'm pregnant. Now I couldn't care less if I never do them ever again. I never thought I'd even want kids now I would gladly give up everything I own just for 1 day with my baby just to say how sorry I am, to see what she would have looked like and to smell her little head. At tge time I guess u think it's the end of the world,but what none of u's realized until it's too late,is that people adapt to their situation and things that seem big at the time r minor in hindsight. My apologies for the length of this,but I have noone to talk to about this and it feels good to know that there are ppl who know how I feel. Take care,xx
i'm almost in tears right now......i had an abortion over a year ago, though i guess in '07 they put you to sleep for abortions.... i was wide awake on some loopy iv they put in me, i remember the needles and i remember looking at my baby on the metal tray they took out of the room from me. that image has never, nor ever will leave my mind, i think constantly of my baby and have nightmares of similar situations. though i know it was the right thing to do, whatever you feel guilty for, it was the right thing. you can always have a baby, or adopt and still have that motherly love, and care for a child, that just truly wasn't the time.........support is always nice, and definitely needed most of the time, but i found that not looking at my 9 weeks ultrasound, and dealing with it myself helped more than talking with my partner did. souls will always come back to you.....and i'm sure your baby would be proud of what you did, considering your situation.
I know exactly how you feel, i had an abortion when i was 19, its been 3 years now and i still cry whenever i think about it (even saying the word "abortion" gets me emotional). i was 8 weeks pregnant when i did it as well, and like you i found out the the fetus was beginning to form at that time after i had the abortion. i believe my baby was a girl also. I've never spoken to anyone about how i feel or about the pain i felt emotionally, my boyfriend at the time and i broke up shortly after the abortion. I still cannot get past it or forget it, i feel as if i have no one to talk to about it. I used to have a high sex drive but since the incident, i have no sex drive at all. I don't know what to do i just want to move on and live a normal or semi-normal life
CMartin,
i too dont ever do this sort of thing but it will have been two years this april since i had my termination and i think about it daily. i am still with my boyfriend and we too are very in love and plan to stay together but at the time i wasnt ready. i was scared of what people would think, how i would cope and in the end i put all these factors before my babies life.
my boyfriend says he feels the same guilt but i dont think he can understand how i feel as he never mentions it or tells me how he feels. he thinks we did the right thing and he maybe right, but the guilt will forver stay with me. you're not the only one feeling how you feel and my one firned tries to comfort me by saying i did the right thing but i see baby programs and mothers with prams out and about and i could just break down into tears on the spot.
i hate it when people talk about abortions and their views on it because nooone knows until they are put in that situation and it was a hard decision for me and the moment i came out of the clinic i knew i instantly regretted it. living with regret and guilt is the hardest thing. i have tried counselling for depression but it didnt work and my mom cant help because she has got 4 children all planned and has never had to be in a smiliar situation.
i really dont know what to do or who to talk to.
This post was written a long time ago but I was still able to google it today so I'm going to respond because its helped me to read it so maybe I can help someone else.
Ill be completely honest. I had never been very careful when it came to birth control. For ten years my boyfriend and I would use the pull and pray method and I never so much as had a scare. I don't believe in bc pills for health reasons. So we had both come to the conclusion that one of us might be infertile. At the time I was one month away from graduation from my radiology program. I was going to be starting an internship right away which required me to take a drug and pregnancy test. The night I conceived was a complete lack of communication and the first accident in ten years. I was seriously convinced that I couldn't have children and didn't think I even needed the morning after pill but because I needed the negative pregnancy test the next month I got it right away. The doctors appointment was scheduled 3 days after I was supposed to be getting my period but when I woke up there was still no sign of it and my body works like clockwork. I was supposed to get immunizations that day so I took a home test before I left. We were joking the whole time about it. I had a faint line in the positive window but figured it was a false positive like maybe I had done something wrong while taking the test... but an hour later my nurse confirmed the news. What were the chances that we would have an accident like that the day I was ovulating and that I would be part of the small percentage of people that the morning after pill wouldn't work for AND at the exact time I needed a negative pregnancy test? It blew my mind but I was so happy after the shock wore off. I decided to get an abortion because my mom and gramma convinced me that if I got through my internship I would be on my way to a good career that would be able to support a baby. If I kept that baby I would've lost my career that I worked too hard to get. Both me and my boyfriend didn't believe in abortion but I was trusting that my family knew what was best for me.
I had a hard time with it but I surprised myself with how fast i recovered emotionally. I think because I was busy with my new job and loving my work I thought that it was the right choice. But then my best friend had a surprise pregnancy 8 months later. She decided to keep the baby and she and her boyfriend got married. She's asked me to be the god mother to her baby and I'm so happy but its killing me at the same time. Here I am shopping for little boy clothes (which is what I'm convinced my baby was) and I can't shake the feeling that this was what I was supposed to be doing myself last year. I've become obsessed with babys..crying for them and everything. I've been thinking that maybe the pregnancy triggered my biological clock.
The event that has brought me to this point happened 2 days ago. All month I've done a really good job of not thinking about the abortion that happened this time last year. It would come into my mind and id let slip right back out.. something I had perfected. The anniversary day was a Friday and I had work and plans with my fiance for the night time. We had an abnormal amount of fun that night and I was just beaming with love for him.. that is until about an hour before we went to sleep when I got mad at him for the most ridiculous reason. Normally I would go to bed and wake up not remembering I was mad at him but when I woke up Saturday morning I was furious. I've never felt that way before. It was a funk that I just couldn't make better. It wasn't until 3 in the afternoon that I realized the anniversary had been the day before. I googled symptoms of abortion and sure enough I found "intrusion" which includes "anniversary grief and depression" either for the due date or anniversary of the abortion. I just can't get over the fact that my body knew that it was the anniversary without my mind consciously knowing it. I still feel so out of control and that's what bothers me most. Since my pregnancy I've had troubles with acne, my period is all over the place which is just not like me, and I cry about 50 percent more than I did before. Most of it is when I'm watching baby commercials or something. My baby would've been 4 and a half months old and I wish more than anything that I didn't let outsiders cloud my judgement last january. The hospital where I interned had a pregnant student before me.. they hired her after she gave birth.
Ill be completely honest. I had never been very careful when it came to birth control. For ten years my boyfriend and I would use the pull and pray method and I never so much as had a scare. I don't believe in bc pills for health reasons. So we had both come to the conclusion that one of us might be infertile. At the time I was one month away from graduation from my radiology program. I was going to be starting an internship right away which required me to take a drug and pregnancy test. The night I conceived was a complete lack of communication and the first accident in ten years. I was seriously convinced that I couldn't have children and didn't think I even needed the morning after pill but because I needed the negative pregnancy test the next month I got it right away. The doctors appointment was scheduled 3 days after I was supposed to be getting my period but when I woke up there was still no sign of it and my body works like clockwork. I was supposed to get immunizations that day so I took a home test before I left. We were joking the whole time about it. I had a faint line in the positive window but figured it was a false positive like maybe I had done something wrong while taking the test... but an hour later my nurse confirmed the news. What were the chances that we would have an accident like that the day I was ovulating and that I would be part of the small percentage of people that the morning after pill wouldn't work for AND at the exact time I needed a negative pregnancy test? It blew my mind but I was so happy after the shock wore off. I decided to get an abortion because my mom and gramma convinced me that if I got through my internship I would be on my way to a good career that would be able to support a baby. If I kept that baby I would've lost my career that I worked too hard to get. Both me and my boyfriend didn't believe in abortion but I was trusting that my family knew what was best for me.
I had a hard time with it but I surprised myself with how fast i recovered emotionally. I think because I was busy with my new job and loving my work I thought that it was the right choice. But then my best friend had a surprise pregnancy 8 months later. She decided to keep the baby and she and her boyfriend got married. She's asked me to be the god mother to her baby and I'm so happy but its killing me at the same time. Here I am shopping for little boy clothes (which is what I'm convinced my baby was) and I can't shake the feeling that this was what I was supposed to be doing myself last year. I've become obsessed with babys..crying for them and everything. I've been thinking that maybe the pregnancy triggered my biological clock.
The event that has brought me to this point happened 2 days ago. All month I've done a really good job of not thinking about the abortion that happened this time last year. It would come into my mind and id let slip right back out.. something I had perfected. The anniversary day was a Friday and I had work and plans with my fiance for the night time. We had an abnormal amount of fun that night and I was just beaming with love for him.. that is until about an hour before we went to sleep when I got mad at him for the most ridiculous reason. Normally I would go to bed and wake up not remembering I was mad at him but when I woke up Saturday morning I was furious. I've never felt that way before. It was a funk that I just couldn't make better. It wasn't until 3 in the afternoon that I realized the anniversary had been the day before. I googled symptoms of abortion and sure enough I found "intrusion" which includes "anniversary grief and depression" either for the due date or anniversary of the abortion. I just can't get over the fact that my body knew that it was the anniversary without my mind consciously knowing it. I still feel so out of control and that's what bothers me most. Since my pregnancy I've had troubles with acne, my period is all over the place which is just not like me, and I cry about 50 percent more than I did before. Most of it is when I'm watching baby commercials or something. My baby would've been 4 and a half months old and I wish more than anything that I didn't let outsiders cloud my judgement last january. The hospital where I interned had a pregnant student before me.. they hired her after she gave birth.
The more I read all these sad, hurting, letters, the more I want to reach out and hug you all.
I had an abortion, way back when.
There were no counseling places, no comptr websites, no name your baby...which I think sometimes does more harm than good
YOU ALL are NOT BAD people...no matter what those pro-lifers try to tell you.
YOU ALL victims of your circumstances making a decision at the time that you felt was your ONLY one.
I sure wish I could tell you what to do that would ease your pain.
Ask God to help you, tell baby you love them, and then move ON.
Slowly, at your own pace, but move ON.
You see......we cant move forward, if we are stuck in the past.
God's love and comfort on you all.
I had an abortion, way back when.
There were no counseling places, no comptr websites, no name your baby...which I think sometimes does more harm than good
YOU ALL are NOT BAD people...no matter what those pro-lifers try to tell you.
YOU ALL victims of your circumstances making a decision at the time that you felt was your ONLY one.
I sure wish I could tell you what to do that would ease your pain.
Ask God to help you, tell baby you love them, and then move ON.
Slowly, at your own pace, but move ON.
You see......we cant move forward, if we are stuck in the past.
God's love and comfort on you all.
I never write on any of these things but I googled it and found this thread. Broke my heart reading all these but made feel glad I wasn't only one hurting so badly. In a few days it will be first anniversary of my termination and I'm struggling once again coming to terms with it. All week I've been very down and sad and not able to focus on anything. I'm dreading the day when it comes as I've lay in bed crying tonight at my actions. In my head I know was best decision for all. I already have a daughter who's still young and me and her daddy split just before found out was pregnant and he neglected her for a while and I had to move back to parents and had just gotten Over post natal depression. I wasn financially secure and he wasn't helping with child he already has. Was no way I could bring another child into broken family,struggling with money, don't have own house and mother hadn't got her career yet. Hardest decision I've ever had to make. I never told my parents or the dad as they would make life harder for me. He would use it against me. My daughter is my world and I'm just getting on my feet now. Had rough 2 years and I know I would have coped but I would struggled n think I would have post natal depression again. And wouldn't want to set my little girls development back.
I don't know how to cope with these feelings of guilt n sadness.adt year I picked a daffodil n put in a bottle with a letter and put it in local river. This year I have daffodils in my vase as I feel that's my only connection. I can't get it out my head. I still picture lying in hosp n crying when I woke up when it was over. I try so hard to smile around friends n other ppls babies but it's hard. I can go a month or two n not think of it but when I do I feel guilty for forgetting it. My head seems mucked up by this.
Hugs to you alll. Xxxx