I have never posted a reply before but after reading this thread, which made my cry I wanted to put in words what i have been feeling the last 8 months. I had an abortion last July and had only been seeing my boyfriend for 3 months so although we now live together and i love him so much, at the time I decided it was too early in our relationship and i had an abortion. My boyfriend was very supportive and said he would support me whatever my decision. I chose to have an abortion, I had never really wanted a child and until this happened had never feel very maternal. I was ill for some time after, on anti-biotics and had an infection and have only recently been feeling back to myself, my cycle back on track and bleeding normally. At the time I believed it was the right decision for me, and I still do, however when i feel down or have my period I can't seem to stop thinking about it and it makes me feel so sad.
I have this image ingrained on my memory of being 6 weeks pregnant, feeling pregnant, my boobs were bigger and looking at myself naked in the mirror in our bedroom and feeling so pregnant and thinking for the first time, I liked the feeling and had never experienced anything like it in my life before. I went ahead and had the abortion and it was only afterwards that I had doubts in my mind, although for many reasons it was not the right time for me to have a child.
I am so glad to have read this thread and realise that the feelings I have are normal. I never felt that I could talk to anyone about this and my boyfriend tries to understand however it is hard. I feel comfort in reading these posts and it is so good to know that others are going through this.
It's like you're reading my mind. I feel the exact same way. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wsh there was a way to talk directly to someone who has been through too because I feel so useless and empty.
I don't know why I'm replying, I don't know if posting something will help, only that I've read this whole thread in tears. I'm so sad, but also so comforted to know that so many women feel the same as I do. Nobody will talk to me, when I say the things I feel out loud they sound silly. In a few days it will be 1 year since my termination and I feel so sad, I can't sleep, I can't get out of bed. I'm letting myself fall to peices, I've got so fat and unhealthy, I see no point in looking after myself. Everyday I think of my little baby and what I would give to hold him. The guilt is overwhelming everytime I think of it, even a year on. My head tells me it was the right decision, I'm a student, I was in an unstable relationship with a controlling and cheating man, I had no money and no common sense, but my heart aches so much. Everytime I see a pregnant lady or hear a baby cry or hear people talk of abortion, I feel my heart beat faster like it's going to fall out my mouth. My parents and my friends were so supportive and I know the decision was only my own - but that makes it worse. How could I have been so stupid, how did I not know how precious life was. I gave up the life of a baby so I could live my own life, but I can't even do that properly now. I feel as though this life I'm living can't justify what I did, the guilt is just too much. I know there will always be good days and bad days. Given the time of year I am bound to feel bad at the moment. I hope it will get better with time, and I hope to anyone reading this that your pain eases. It is the worst, deepest pain I can ever comprehend, I feel like a mother, I guess something in the pregnancy just gets that maternal instinct going. The best advice I can give is that when you can, or on the days when you are feeling better, let go of the past just a little - something nice will always come along. You will always remember your baby. Everyone always says that you should learn from your mistakes, this is such a hard mistake to learn from. But try and learn that life is precious. Live your life as best you can for the sake of your baby. I'm finding it so hard right now, but I hope one day I will prove to myself that I did the right thing, no matter how much it hurts.
I am so grateful to all those who have shared their experiences and emotions here asit has helped me so much. My abortion took place many years ago (1996 to be exact-17 years ago) when I was 20, and I have never gotten over it. I don't want people to read that and be depressed thinking that means you never get over it, but in my case I haven't. The thought of what I did still weighs heavily on my heart, mainly because I never took the time to get counselling at the time, preferring instead to bury my true feelings and throw myself back into work, study etc. I also didn't want to push my boyfriend (now my husband-yes we're still together-we both believe we're soulmates) into talking about it and causing him pain, and that desire to 'protect' him has meant we've never really talked it through in depth. However, I want to assure everyone that there can be a light through the darkness of pain and depression, ( I have suffered severely with depression since then) and that is to write down your feelings in a no holds barred letter to either the baby, God (if you are religious) the Angels or whoever it is that will help you. You can also address it to Spirit if you believe like I do, that we are all energy and one day we will all be reunited anyway in a place with no pain, suffering, poverty, disease etc. I am religious and therefore sought God's forgiveness too, which I honestly believe He has blessed me with. a letter may not work for everyone, so therefore you must try what works for you, and if it is still too raw then do consider counselling, as I am now as I truly believe I have to deal with all these feelings of guilt etc before my husband and I try for a baby, which is what we want to do this year. Good luck to everyone here, and take heart from your strength as a woman- you will find your way to deal with this if you try, don't suppress your feelings for so long like I did as it eats away at you otherwise. By finally facing up to what we did my husband and I hope to be able to welcome back the soul of our little angel into our lives once again.
hello cmartin I am writing you today because I totally feel the same way you do I also had an abortion September 13,2012 so it will be a year exactly one week from today I too cannot get over it I talk to my friends all the time about it and I feel they don't want to hear it anymore too. I had it done 10 weeks into my pregnancy and I feel it would have been a boy only because I have a girl already and this pregnancy was totally different from my first. Everyone says I will heal and get over it but honestly I don't think I want to I also kept my ultrasound so I can remember I had a little bean inside me, Thank you for sharing your story I needed to hear other people go through the same thing if you ever need to talk I can be an ear
Thank you, for Sharing xxx
Here is a number for a post abortion healing group, for any woman who needs it If you are feeling any kind of guilt, please call this number for a post abortion healing hotline (whatever you do, don't kill yourself and call the number) 888-456-4673 also, here's a number for a suicide help group 1-800-273-8255
A year on and I can't stop thinking about it how much I regret make the desicion to have termination because I was scared of my now ex boyfriend leaving me and not be able to cope , I was scared of being on my own at the age of 16 with a newborn baby in my arms , I didn't know what to do I had only just finished school so I wasn't mentally or financially able to support myself or the baby through life . I sit an imagine whether my baby would have been a little boy or girl and what they would have been like .
Still everytime I try to talk to someone about it I get brushed of on to someone else or on to a different subject so The best way I found to help me through it all when everyone was ignoring me was to hang a little star above my bedroom window to remind me that my baby is now a beautiful star in the sky looking down on me .