dealing with being raped. how to talk to my boyfriend about it

Guest over a year ago

um ok so I guess ill just start then ... I was raped and molested several times growing up starting at 11-18. when I was 11 my moms best friends son he um touched me inappropriately on a ski trip. when I was 14 i got date raped at a party. still not sure what fully happened... that same year i was molested by a co worker thane a year later he raped and beat me that went on til 18 when he was fired. the following year i let this creep of a chef touch me. when I was 17 my best guy friend was sleeping in the tent with me and he touched me and I just pretended to be asleep... I never told anyone until i was 23 and even then i couldn't talk about it i hurst shake. I just ignore it try to pretend it never happened. im 24 now and im having a hard time. y boyfriend knows alittle about my past ... but he doesn't get it ad we don't talk about it... imu question is how do I talk to him? about 3 weeks ago he got really drunk and wanted sex ... I was having a bad day not feeling it so i said no and he got made and kept going i kept trying to stop him and say no but he just didnt stop ... i tried harder to stop him and he stop got really mad and said i can't love u and i said no i just don't want sex ... he stopped or like a couple mins and then started again and just kept going i finally just gave up i cried so hard it hurt and it felt so dirty i just kept seeing everything else and I just lost it .. when he finished on my stomach i ran and got sick in the bathroom i stayed there washing everything over and over i just needed to be clean. I don't know what happened i don't know if it was really as bad as i think or was i just having flashbacks. a sense then I've been avoiding sex and keep apologizing for being no fun in bed ... I don't know what to say to him or how to even start a conversation about any of it. I haven't been sleeping i keep having nightmares it's like im relieving all of my past. am I crazy? is this normal? is it all in my head?!

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geishachick over a year ago

Hi, first I want to say that I am really sorry to hear that all of this has happened. Rape and sexual assault, especially in childhood, an have long lasting effects on your mental health. Have you ever had counselling? I am not sure where you live. Here in Australia we ha e free specialist counselling services for sexual assault and rape survivors. Is there something similar in your area? If not, are you able to seek help from a.counsellor, social worker or therapist that specialises in sexual violence? Also, do you have a trusted friend or family member you can talk to. This isn't instead of counselling. It just helps if you have loved one you can talk to. As for the way you are feeling after the way your boyfriend treated you, that is an understandable reaction. He treated you appallingly and that has most likely triggered things from the past. It is nit acceptable for him to force you to have sex. Your body is your body and he has no right to demand sex from you. Do you think you can ever trust him again? Fo you believe he will ever try to u.understand what you have been through? Do you feel like he respects you? It might be hard to hear but he has abused you. You know that deep inside. That is why you do.t want to have sex. That is protective and normal. Get in touch with a rape crisis service or if you don't have access to one get in touch with a domestic violence service and they should be able to help you. A.d seriously consider if he is the type of guy you wa.t to be with. You deserve better. I know all of this is incredibly hard. I was sexually abused ad a child and in an abusive relationship as an adult. Counselling made a world of difference to my mental health and happiness. I hope you find the help you need. You need to take care of yourself at the moment and surround yourself with people who love and respect you, not people who abuse you. You are too important. Take care and best wishes

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chloedb over a year ago

Thank you for your response. I have tried counselling when I was younger but never saw it through because it just wasn't my thing. I didn't like talking about it then. Still don't but have talked to a friend before which was easier because she had been through something similar.

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geishachick over a year ago

Hi Chloe, I know, counselling can be really, really hard. Talking about it is so difficult. I felt the same way. You ask are you crazy. You are not crazy. But you have been through some very traumatic experiences, not just once but repeatedly. And your boyfriends treatment of you has triggered you causing flashbacks and nightmares. This is normal for someone who has experienced the type of trauma you have. We try to bury the memories but they never really go away and the trauma does change the way we feel, experience emotions and the way we behave. Also, bring abused as a child or teen makes us more likely to experience abusive relationships as adults. I am not a psychologist but what you are experiencing sounds like post traumatic stress disorder. It's very common in rape survivors. It doesn't mean you are crazy. It is your psyche trying to protect you. But it does mean that you need help. I have been there. It wasn't easy but it was the best thing I have ever done. PTSD doesn't really go away but it can be managed and you can lead a full and happy life. You can let go of living with fear and shame. Once I couldn't bear to talk about my past even with my counsellor. Now it is much easier and it doesn't have a hold on me the way that it did. I hate to say this but the way your boyfriend has treated you is a repeat of the past. Can you talk to your parents, a friend, someone you trust? Take baby steps in getting help and make sure you have a group of supportive people around you. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is that person. Sorry if that is hard to hear. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

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