Divorce because of husband's computer games addiction

Maybe men should nut up and be men... If you marry, have kids and have a job life isn't about you .. you need to step up and take care of your business or someone else will!

Just chiming in on some of the posts I've seen on here. My wife and I have been together for years but only married last autumn. I've been a gamer since I can remember (literally, since I started playing computer games at 4 or 5) and I still love it. My wife, however, doesn't understand it. She doesn't resent that I do it, but she has said that she would prefer my hobbies be more productive. That's something we both agree on. I've been able to retool my attitude toward gaming so that it's not such a hungry drive any more, but it's still there. I'd say I game 4-5 hours a week. It's a level that she's comfortable with. And I offset it by doing (as she calls them) sexy things that I've also always wanted to do: learn woodworking, create a garden, bike to and from work every day, and... spend more 'special' time with her. :) We have kind of a soft rule: 2 hours of sexy hobby/activity gets me 1 hour of gaming. Often I get so wrapped up in my sexy hobbies, I don't expend my game-time-bank. It's been a great way to establish priorities in my life, and it makes the time I do spend gaming seem special and more fun. Anyway, some observations...

Games these days are scientifically formulated to be addictive. There's no question about that. They're very well-structured with intricate reward systems that encourage players to devote more and more time to the game. It's no different than a drug addiction at the most fundamental level. You "work" your butt off, often with the help of your friends in the game, and when you get that big reward, it's a rush as real as any drug. You get the dopamine all the same. Remember that what your men are doing is something that is triggering that reward center. Keep that in mind, not as a treatise against gaming, but as a bit of insight as to why they're doing it. It all goes to the nature of any addiction. More on that in a minute.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the social structures of these games are real contributors to their attachments to them. A lot of the posts I see on here have to do with massively multiplayer games. I spent 5 years of my life playing EverQuest and I still remember the (very real) friends I made in that game. We told each other stories about our lives. We conquered very hard challenges together using real teamwork. We met up from time to time in real life to further strengthen those bonds. When I left EQ, by far the hardest part of leaving the game was leaving my friends. Some of them I've kept in touch with; most of them I haven't. Part of the lack of contact since then has been guilt on my part at leaving them when I knew I was an integral part of a team and they had put a ton of time and energy building me up into such a valuable team member. That was my experience; I encourage you to keep an open mind about the friends they make in games, because they mean A LOT to them. Seriously. Don't assume they're less than an in-person relationship. Be sensitive to that. You'll help your man, and yourself, if you approach it from that position of understanding and empathy, especially if they don't have a social life outside of the game. That is something that they will need to create for themselves if they decide to move on from gaming, or change the way they interact with gaming. It's an intrinsic human need. Don't underestimate the bonds they form with fellow players.

Another reason people tend to get addicted to games, especially modern games, is the sense of mastery and control they get from playing them. This was true of me with EverQuest. It was a huge part of my identity. It was something that truly mattered to me. Being #1 at something in the game world, when I was not #1 at anything else in my life, was a huge, huge driving force in why I played so obsessively for as long as I did. It just seemed impossible that I could find anything in my non-game life that would make me feel as important and accomplished as I did in the game world. Life is wonderful and precious and filled with amazing experiences, but it's also filled with a lot of mundane, seemingly pointless tasks, heartbreak, and feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. Gaming gives your partner an outlet where he can feel like he's important, skilled, looked up to. This is something my wife didn't understand until we started to probe the source of my addiction to gaming as a couple.

Where am I going with all this? Well, you might have noticed that a lot of what I've just said mirrors a lot of what you'll hear or read about just about any addiction. The thing is... all of these things have to be addressed if you're going to help your partner find a better balance with a hobby that he legitimately loves. It's not just about "the gaming." It goes far deeper than that! A lot of what I read has to do with personalities changing as a result of the gaming. Routines changing. Spending less time with your partner. Secrecy. Lies.

Sounds a hell of a lot like an addict trying to defend his behavior, doesn't it? He's defending it because what NOT gaming represents is a complete and total change in WHO HE IS. It's not a small undertaking. It's not something that he can do alone. It's something that you will have to be patient and loving and kind with. It's something that you will have to have very difficult conversations about. It's something that, if you work together, you can find a solution to. He has the perfect solution to the helplessness we all feel sometimes in life. He can press a button and feel powerful, in control. You don't erase that over night, or even over months or sometimes years. You help him, a little bit at a time, to understand his own feelings, understand why the major change in your lives is hard for him and has led to more game time, help him to find new ways to establish a meaningful social circle, a sense of power and control, a sense of being good at something. That's what being in a lasting, loving relationship is. If you (and he) aren't willing to have the hard conversations, civilly, without screaming at each other, if you're not willing to approach it from a position of love and not a position of "I feel neglected because games," if he's not willing to take a very long look at who he is and why this is important to him, get divorced.

 Just to put the flip side up. Gaming saved my life. My husband of 13 years hooked up with an ex on face book. It turned to constant calls and sexting before I caught on. I was a homemaker. I confronted him he lied I proved it he agreed to stop and didn't. I rediscovered and the same cycle repeated a few times. I was desperate and had nowhere to go. I had been granted a settlement but had not been paid yet or even informed when I would be. I found the mmo world and spent months submerged. The affair ended but the damage was done. I got my settlement in 4 parts, 3 I have spent paying back taxes and rents. It emerged during looking closer at the affair that he was gambling. Now with a single payment left I have walked from my marriage. The gaming is not as referent but I get the sense of connection that I lacked all those months when it was. I doubt if it will never be part of my life. Whatever need it helped with made me a gamer and now it is who I am.

OMG !! felt the same way .. i thought im the only person have this problem. Before also we have a romantic moment every single day. same with the night that we had. He also told me before that he will not get tired of making love to me ..but not after that f*****g online games everything torns apart between us. I gave all my understanding for him, but I think nothing is given back . He is still playing until 3am in the morning. The sweetness totally gone , Im missed my old husband. ..

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Divorcing your husband/wife because they game?  Goes to show how much you were in love in the first place.  Instead of working on it, or fighting for your marriage, you let a video game ruin it? 

Posted by Guest on  5/3/13 11:17 PM

you are all fking stupid. Divorcing your husband/wife because they game? Goes to show how much you were in love in the first place. Instead of working on it, or fighting for your marriage, you let a video game ruin it? Losers

 

This post accurately and concisely summarises 13 pages of self-absorbed nonsense. Either your husband has an 'addiction', and you've failed him by leaving when the chips are down, or he's simply enjoying a hobby, in which case, your intolerance and egotistical expectations are the problem. If you want to leave somebody because they love video games; that's your prerogative; but your proclaimed lofty moral ground is built of matchsticks.

I just found this, but its hard to believe so many men are addicted to online gaming...mine has been playing Pangya an online golf game since 06' and if he's not at work he will be playing that game on his days off he gets up early like 6:30 am and plays until bedtime...I have complained and argued at this point I don't say nothing anymore, what's the point? I havep started concentrating on me, got me an elliptical and started tanning, working on myself and feeling Better about me. We have three kids together, hw claims to love me? He used to have a drinking problem until he got real drunk one night and messed around on me now he doesn't drink at all. Our sex life sucks!!! Maybe 2 or 3 times a month? Not enough for me. I've got old friends (male) from school on facebook always commenting about how good I look or how they always wanted to date me and wish I was single so they could have a chance with me now....and I have to say I am so tempted to say hell with it and go out with one of them.. .anyway I'm in VA if any of you women live near and would like someone to talk to or hang out with who understands what you are going through please email me or reply on here... 

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Dear wifeofanaddict and all others that have poured their hearts out here...I will probably never speak to any of you or even see your responses to me, but I think typing this out will somehow help me. I have been married for 12 years this year. This man was my hero at one time. My first husband cheated (very discreetly) for 14 years. Then I found this amazing man, he and I laughed constantly, couldn't keep our eyes or hands off each other, for many years. I have two children with my first husband, but that's story for another place.
He was always a gamer, I thought it was a hobby, he calls it a hobby, but it's an addiction like all the other men in these stories. He beta-tests games, has been into WoW, hell I bought it for him! He plays tons of games, I don’t have any idea how much he spends on them, I would probably be shocked. Smite is his latest one, Parallel Kingdom was were he met “her”, which I’ll clarify later. But, he comes to bed with me, then when we thinks I'm asleep he gets up and plays until all hours of the morning, and if it's a weekend, sometimes he never comes back to bed, I find him on the couch downstairs in the morning. If he only knew how soundly I sleep when he’s in bed with me. This virtual world has become his reality and our marriage is the fantasy. I'm broken; I can't compete with this world. The women are sexier and are better listeners, the compliments pour from him about their well-played game and their accomplishments, I listen to him disappear into this place, a place that doesn't include me.
I'm a very spiritual person, I believe in God and I know with His help, I can survive anything. But I'm running out of steam. His emotional attachment to gaming is bigger than me. These people are not just other gamers, they are dear friends, lovers, confidants....family. You don’t have to touch someone to cheat with them, emotional cheating hurts more; in my humble opinion.
Recently, our children have moved out, it's just us now...it's never been “just us”. We always talked about this time in our lives and had a secret calendar marking off the days until our parental freedom (as a joke of course!) but, now that it’s here, I'm sad all the time, I miss him terribly, I have trusted that God will guide me, but the place that I appear to be headed is not where I ever imagined I would go...again.
My story is slightly different; my husband does things with me. On Facebook and Instagram we appear to be happy. He thinks that because he does this "after I go to bed" that he's not taking anything away from me, and for many years, he’s convinced me that was okay. I know many of you would give anything to have my situation as you would give anything for a man that goes to the beach, movies and dinner with you...but I deserve a man to think I'm as interesting as that game, and the people in it. I don’t deserve to have to “chase” my husband.
He had, what he called “a close friendship”, with a woman that went on for many months. I didn’t know about this “close friendship” until I lost my job of almost 8 years and was struggling and scared and received no assurance or comfort from him that everything was going to be okay. Instead he told me that he was “giving me all he could, that he had given me enough”. I didn’t sign up for 11 years, I signed up for forever, for better or for worse, but I guess the “worse” was just too much for him. It’s funny how this happens sometimes, you don’t know how awful your life is, you don’t know what a bad wife you are until, all of a sudden one day, someone tells you. So, he found comfort, companionship, friendship and loyalty elsewhere; someone else to take care of. How can I compete with that? I asked him to end it, he went as far as to send me the email he sent her ending their relationship, then only after I asked about her response (which would have given me closure) he sent me her disappointed response. I’m a woman, I know what she was thinking, “this guy is my hero…he cares, he listens, he’s there for me”…she thought she had found her next husband. I have wanted to believe this virtual girlfriend was gone, I’ve prayed incessantly to God to give me courage, wisdom, discernment…it all comes back to this…he lives in his games, he lives in a world that I don’t understand and probably never will. That is where she is too and if it’s not her, it will be someone else…and as much as I want to believe he doesn’t talk to her anymore, all signs point to “yes he does.” He is comforted in this make-believe world and it’s there where he feels important and needed. Maybe my strength is just something he can’t handle anymore. I don’t “need” him, I want him and love him very deeply. Unfortunately, I think it has become one-sided.
I am all about hobbies, personal growth, taking time for yourself and being independent, but as many feel here, I think he looks forward to me going out with my friends, going away for a couple days for a convention, because then he can play in this world all day and all night with no one to think bad things of him. He doesn’t have to switch screens when I walk in to the room unexpectedly. He doesn’t have to wear a headset to hide who he’s talking to.
I wish I could say all of this to him, but that time has come and gone. Anything I say now angers him, threatens his world. I don’t think he cares how I feel, I feel like a diversion, a distraction from his “real” love/life; his games and the people in them. I don’t think my love is strong enough for both of us.
This has broken me down… and I’m afraid it’s the end of what could have been a beautiful love story. Very tragically sad.

Dear wifeofanaddict and all others that have poured their hearts out here...I will probably never speak to any of you or even see your responses to me, but I think typing this out will somehow help me.  I have been married for 12 years this year.  This man was my hero at one time.  My first husband cheated (very discreetly) for 14 years.  Then I found this amazing man, he and I laughed constantly, couldn't keep our eyes or hands off each other, for many years.  I have two children with my first husband, but that's story for another place.

He was always a gamer, I thought it was a hobby, he calls it a hobby, but it's an addiction like all the other men in these stories.  He beta-tests games, has been into WoW, hell I bought it for him!  He plays tons of games, I don’t have any idea how much he spends on them, I would probably be shocked.  Smite is his latest one, Parallel Kingdom was were he met “her”, which I’ll clarify later.  But, he comes to bed with me, then when we thinks I'm asleep he gets up and plays until all hours of the morning, and if it's a weekend, sometimes he never comes back to bed, I find him on the couch downstairs in the morning.  If he only knew how soundly I sleep when he’s in bed with me.  This virtual world has become his reality and our marriage is the fantasy.  I'm broken; I can't compete with this world.  The women are sexier and are better listeners, the compliments pour from him about their well-played game and their accomplishments, I listen to him disappear into this place, a place that doesn't include me. 

I'm a very spiritual person, I believe in God and I know with His help, I can survive anything.  But I'm running out of steam.  His emotional attachment to gaming is bigger than me.  These people are not just other gamers, they are dear friends, lovers, confidants....family. You don’t have to touch someone to cheat with them, emotional cheating hurts more; in my humble opinion.  

Recently, our children have moved out, it's just us now...it's never been “just us”.  We always talked about this time in our lives and had a secret calendar marking off the days until our parental freedom (as a joke of course!)  but, now that it’s here, I'm sad all the time, I miss him terribly, I have trusted that God will guide me, but the place that I appear to be headed is not where I ever imagined I would go...again. 

My story is slightly different; my husband does things with me.  On Facebook and Instagram we appear to be happy.  He thinks that because he does this "after I go to bed" that he's not taking anything away from me, and for many years, he’s convinced me that was okay.  I know many of you would give anything to have my situation as you would give anything for a man that goes to the beach, movies and dinner with you...but I deserve a man to think I'm as interesting as that game, and the people in it.  I don’t deserve to have to “chase” my husband.

He had, what he called “a close friendship”, with a woman that went on for many months.  I didn’t know about this “close friendship” until I lost my job of almost 8 years and was struggling and scared and received no assurance or comfort from him that everything was going to be okay.  Instead he told me that he was “giving me all he could, that he had given me enough”.  I didn’t sign up for 11 years, I signed up for forever, for better or for worse, but I guess the “worse” was just too much for him.  It’s funny how this happens sometimes, you don’t know how awful your life is, you don’t know what a bad wife you are until, all of a sudden one day, someone tells you.  So, he found comfort, companionship, friendship and loyalty elsewhere; someone else to take care of.  How can I compete with that?  I asked him to end it, he went as far as to send me the email he sent her ending their relationship, then only after I asked about her response (which would have given me closure) he sent me her disappointed response.  I’m a woman, I know what she was thinking, “this guy is my hero…he cares, he listens, he’s there for me”…she thought she had found her next husband.  I have wanted to believe this virtual girlfriend was gone, I’ve prayed incessantly to God to give me courage, wisdom, discernment…it all comes back to this…he lives in his games, he lives in a world that I don’t understand and probably never will.  That is where she is too and if it’s not her, it will be someone else…and as much as I want to believe he doesn’t talk to her anymore, all signs point to “yes he does.”  He is comforted in this make-believe world and it’s there where he feels important and needed.  Maybe my strength is just something he can’t handle anymore.  I don’t “need” him, I want him and love him very deeply.  Unfortunately, I think it has become one-sided. 

I am all about hobbies, personal growth, taking time for yourself and being independent, but as many feel here, I think he looks forward to me going out with my friends, going away for a couple days for a convention, because then he can play in this world all day and all night with no one to think bad things of him.  He doesn’t have to switch screens when I walk in to the room unexpectedly.  He doesn’t have to wear a headset to hide who he’s talking to.

I wish I could say all of this to him, but that time has come and gone.  Anything I say now angers him, threatens his world.  I don’t think he cares how I feel, I feel like a diversion, a distraction from his “real” love/life; his games and the people in them.  I don’t think my love is strong enough for both of us. 

This has broken me down… and I’m afraid it’s the end of what could have been a beautiful love story. Very tragically sad.

Sorry this got posted twice...it someone could remove it, that would be great!

It would be stupid if it was just the game. If you read these comments its not the game, most of these women are ok with their husband's private time or hobby. It's what this addiction makes them neglect. Real life relationships, children, financial responsibilities, etc. Not to mention the "bonds" created that are inappropriate for a married man or someone in a commited relationship. I know that is what has happened to me...I lost my best friend to gaming.

I am the same my husband goes on the game from the moment he gets up to the moment he goes to bed usually around five in the morning I am contemplating leaving he never has any time for me we don't even make love anymore coz his game more important I hate it makes me want to smash the computer up with a very large hammer we'd spilt up over his excessive use of ths game before and it looks like it gonna happen again dont get me wrong i do love him very much but I can't love my life feeling single if I wanted to feel like that I wouldn't of gotten married

Your probably a man or a very submissive woman. You should be ashamed of this carp you wrote. Who are you to tell women they are needy. Every one is different and so are the situations your opinion is one thing but your insults show your character. And they are not slandering their husband's they are sharing their feelings because their husband s probably don't listen. And how do you know if they are interesting or not. Just because your willing to allow yourself to be treated like c**p doesn't mean every woman should. I say until you are in someone's shoes you keep your rude insults and comments to yourself!

Unfortunately kids do not change the situation. I have a 2 year old son and a baby due in march. I thought well maybe we will try for a girl to get him to get off the game. we got our little girl but the day I told him we were supposed to go celebrate but he refused to go because it was a "raid night" I ended up going with his mom. He loves his son but he gets on the game and will get off in 1 hour to 2 hour increments to "spend time with him" which is never more than 5 minutes. ITs hard and I am conteplating divorce. Please dont have kids to make it better. Either get it worked out or move on is my best advice have kids with a man who will cherish you both. Not to mention being pregnant and having a spouse barely there is the worst. Good Luck

Unfortunately kids do not change the situation. I have a 2 year old son and a baby due in march. I thought well maybe we will try for a girl to get him to get off the game. we got our little girl but the day I told him we were supposed to go celebrate but he refused to go because it was a "raid night" I ended up going with his mom. He loves his son but he gets on the game and will get off in 1 hour to 2 hour increments to "spend time with him" which is never more than 5 minutes. ITs hard and I am conteplating divorce. Please dont have kids to make it better. Either get it worked out or move on is my best advice have kids with a man who will cherish you both. Not to mention being pregnant and having a spouse barely there is the worst. Good Luck