i always fear ive done something wrong after drinking

This is my first post here and I just want you to know that you're not alone. I'm 18 and go out drinking maybe once or twice a month with friends. I worry too much about what I did while drunk also, sometimes to the point that I cannot stop thinking about it and can be depressed for up to a few weeks afterwards. On friday I went out and got pretty drunk, I can't really remember much of it although I threw up in the bathroom in the club, fell over, cried in front of all my friends and my mother came and picked me up. I've fallen into a state of depression, I'm so embarrassed and feel sickeningly guilty about everything that happened, about all the little incidents and keep imagining that I did stupid things. I used to get this guilty feeling every time after drinking, and like you thought that I'd done really bad things and would obsess over every little thing I did when drunk. After I while I realised that I had been associating drinking with guilt as I'd done something quite bad whilst drunk once. After I realised this I started to be able to go out and enjoy myself and not feel guilty the day after. Yet now it has come back and I know it's because I drank too much, yet I know that it shouldn't affect me like this. I feel really spaced out, not normal and only feel better after crying my eyes out... yet the feeling comes back after a few hours.  It has happened as bad as this once before and it lasted for a week, I couldn't leave my room without crying and felt like I was going mad.

I think maybe that you are associating drinking with feeling guilty, as I used to and am starting to do again. I think for me the only thing that I can do is not drink as much, or at all, then I won't have the chance to embarrass myself. I just feel stupid that I can't go out and enjoy myself like everyone else. If you don't drink a lot and still feel like this then maybe you should stop drinking, I know it's really difficult but I think I'm going to have to do the same. But it's really difficult for me because my friends don't know how alcohol affects me (i've never told anyone about the depression after drinking) and so they always try and force me to drink. Also, I've realised that drinking intensifies the bad feelings that I have, and makes me concentrate on the bad things in my life. I think that to enjoy alcohol I will need to deal with these things first. Maybe there's something subconsciously bothering you? Did you ever do something bad when drunk that you haven't really gotten over?

Alcohol obviously messes us up, and we have to think about if it's worth it or not. I'm starting to realise that it really isn't. I know it's really hard, I'm shy too in social situations. I just want you to know that you're not alone, I'm feeling like you at the moment and I'm scared that I won't get out of it until I start back at school (last time it happened getting back into routine pushed me to get better). I know your feelings are more focused on anxiety than depression but the feeling of guilt and embarrassment is what causes me to get depressed. You'll get through this, and if you can't fight the feelings after drinking then maybe the only option is to stop. I hope you can get through this.

im writing this after drinking 3 days ago, still feeling really low, im late 20's i drink until pass out when i wake up the first thing i think of what have i done, killings, murders, rape no just fallen a sleep on the sofa, im a good man off drink and fun on it so why the shame and guilt? ive been drinking since i was thirteen being that young doing stupid stuff until about 24, then thinking this is not good im better than this, the work begins you have to let go and make it up to yourself after all them years, in your case it's only twice a month but it all adds up your 18 how you feel now will build over years and yes it all gets worse. so after becoming stable and metaly free every time you drink to blackout you regress and it to stores up, your relationship with drink can never be the same. i love getting pissed at the time, but  is it better than guilt, shame, money loss, distorted reality, loosing your dignity. ive done it all and had it done to me. could you give alcohol up? my best was 8 months in 11 years i can go a week or two here and their but ive tried, aa, god, books, pills, and im here writing this as i feel like sh*t and im now trying computers lol. i have a family, job, money, house, car i feel this could be messed up from one bad night, this is an enemy to you mate, would class a best mate coming in your house spending your money? making you cry, make you sick. make you embarrist, feel guilt, etc the very fact you feel this stuff and wrote on here just shows you the physical signs youve done you no what to do. stop if you can as its all progressive.

 

good luck mate

 

its not when you full its how to stand up, be strong

I have plenty a drunken night and often can't remember the end of them,if I have been at home and with a few close friends and my bf I don't worry about anything but if I'm out without my bf or something and I don't remember the end of the night I worry I have cheated on him,and wat else have I done? I love my bf and would never cheat on him!recently we had a party at our house for his 30th birthday and since I have felt so down and full of guilt like I have done something all because my friends told me I went off to bed, because if this I started thinking wat if some guy came up and came in while I was in there?then I felt like I had a flash vision of me bein in the bedroom and then started thinking was someone with me?then started to think I'd done something! Iv felt sh*t and guilty ever since,based on something that might not even b a memory,I could have even been in the room at some point and then just placed all these other things around it as I cant even tell u who the person was with me if there was one or wat we might have done! Iv spoke to everyone that was there that night and everyone said I was fine and spoke to my friend specifically about these feelings and he said that I have obviously made all this up in my head as it is a fear I have and the more iv obsessed about it iv added to it n made a whole scenario up in my head! He is good friends with all the guys that were there and says nothing has happened and I need to stop being so paranoid as I'm a nice person and wouldn't do anything like this! It's made me feel better and I keep telling myself to stop being ridiculous as it never happened but I still get pangs of guilt and doubt so it still troubles me and its been a week now! Iv read a lot of stories same as mine and they all relate to a form of ocd! Iv not been diagnosed with ocd but I am a very anxious and paranoid person so maybe the drink exaggerates this,anyone else feel similar to this? I know these posts are few months/years old but would love to talk to someone who suffers same!xx

Hi Jemima,

Please be assured, LOADS of people feel the way you do and obsess about things in the same way.  I'm one of them and have been most of my life.  Let me just tell you that you can get these feelings under control and you will feel better once you recongnise that they are just little obsessions which are part of your life at the moment and nothing more sinister.  There are so many things in this crazy modern world which gear us all to be more sensitive and stressed out and this stress manifests itself in a million different ways.  I think the best thing you can do is at least while you are in this more anxious state is to perhaps avoid situations which you know will prompt your anxieties (such as binge drinking).  Alcohol, in excess exacerbates paranoia and anxiety so why not stick to a few drinks to relax you but not so many that you end up out of control and anxious about what you may have done.  I think you'll feel a whole lot better on all accounts!!  We all have one too many drinks at times and personally I find it not only makes me feel like an arse for some of the things I may have done or said but I also go on an immense guilt trip over the damage I"ve done to my body.  Doesn't mean I've cut out alcohol, I just feel better if I don't overdo it.  

There's nothing wrong with you and you'll get over these feelings in no time!!

Hi gemima What you have just described could be me. I am exactly the same esp if bf is not out with me. I was out last w/e and do not remember end if night. I was with gf and she assures me nothing untoward happened. I would never ever do anything like you have described but because I can't remember I am gripped with fear paranoia and anxiety that I must have. It's totally irrational and I'm almost at the stage where it just doesn't seem worth drinking anymore as I never seem to learn. Besides that even if it's been a good night and I remember everything the next day I go to great lengths to convince myself how much of an as****e everyone must think I am. For no apparent reason. It's affecting my life in a big way and I am exhausted from it :((

Thanks for the replies guys,suffering from the dreaded blues again at the moment after going on my works Xmas party the other night,haven't been down or paranoid after drinking for a whole as iv not had the blackouts but I did the other night n now I just feel so down.i really hadn't planned on getting that drunk but my bosses kept putting wine in front of me and I was being sociable n the next thing I was hammered!iv spoke to all my work colleagues n they said I was totally fine didnt do anything stupid n nothing to worry about,so why am I worried n feeling so c**p?! My own fault for getting drunk so I suppose I deserve to feel like sh*t! Just wish I didn't feel like this !!!

Hi there, I have the same problem!! A year ago I kissed a guy while I was really drunk, I tried to convince myself nothing happened then a month later found out I had actually kissed this guy I then told my boyfriend and he forgave me, god knows why. Since then every time I drink days later I start worrying incase I've kissed another guy, I really don't think I would do that again but I didn't think I would in the first place. I've told my friends who have assured me I have done nothing wrong and in some occasions asked some guys if I have kissed them, they didn't even know who I was. I'm still worrying about things that happened months ago, I've told my bf about this and he tells me not to be silly? My friends are also sick of listening to it now as well. I really don't know what to do anymore either, it a big part of my life and I am constantly worrying about this.

Hi everyone! I came across this discussion and its really nice to know I'm not the only one suffering. I went to two Christmas parties last night and got pretty drunk. Today I keep getting "flashbacks" of things I would never do with anyone but my boyfriend however the flashbacks aren't with him. I cannot decipher if its a real memory or if I made it up because of my OCD. its driving me carzy!! Me and my boyfriend did get into a fight last night which normally never happens. I don't know what else to do to figure out if they're real or not. Help!!!

It's so awful feeling that way,I have done on many occasion! It's always when I'm out in town or around loads of people,il drink too much,not remember towards the end of the night and the next day and for several days after iv convinced myself iv done all sorts even tho people say I was fine,my head makes all sorts of scenarios up and then I can't tell wats a hazy memory n wat iv just made up in my head!! I know people say "just don't get so drunk" and my aim when I do go out is exactly that but then it just happens!! I don't go out much at all anymore I tend to stay in and have drinks at home with the boyfriend n a couple of friends n I find even if I do get too drunk the next day I don't feel so bad as I can't have done anything with only a couple of people there! I know exactly what you're going thru and it's so awful! Suppose u just have to think it will fade eventually,no matter how much reassurance you try get you will always try convince yourself you've still done something even tho you know you haven't! Stupid ocd!!!It will fade soon and you won't feel so down about it don't worry :)

Wow, I thought I was the only person who did this. I can relate so much to your post, I get in like a downward spiral for so long after I've drank. I worry relentlessly that I acted foolishly in front of people, or told a secret that I shouldnt have. I constantly black out when I drink, even when I don't consume a ton of alcohol. I so desperately want to be able to go out, and drink with my friends and not have this terrible feeling when I wake up in the morning. I end up texting everyone who I was out with and apologize profusely for my behaviour and most of the time it's the same as you, they tell me that I was fine and not to worry. But I do anyways. I just woke up this morning after a night out drinking and I started crying, because I just worry so much that my actions were negative, and no one will want to hang out with me anymore. I'm beginning to think it's not worth it to drink anymore if this will always be the outcome. I enjoy myself while drinking but the day/week afterwards is the worst. I don't know how to stop kicking myself for something that I didnt even do? Anyways this wasnt really much help, it was just me confirming that there are others that go through the same thing. I wish you nothing but the best, and hopefully you can find a solution to this crappy problem, (and if you do, let me know!) 

I know how all of you feel.... i have been battling bipolar and treating it with alcohol.... Drank over New year's, argued with my girlfriend and then drove (ended up at my brothers house). Besides the guilt for driving, i must have done something else terrible as well right?... and begin making up completely irrational things in my head to the point where it seems real. I can't drink.... it has amplified my low mood swings to the lowest low.... this depression episode is the worst i have ever had... i am 35 and have repeated this pattern for years.... can't do it anymore.

Hi Jemima, I suffer from this as well and worry so much I just dont understand why. I always have ask people the next day if was acting like a fool. I'm so tired of this feeling and wish I could find ways to not be so hard on myself.

I just found out this page after having searched the effect of blackout. First of all, sorry for my English, I'm not English native speaker. I've had a few times be blackouted (only a few parts of the night) after having drunk a lot and actually I have (had?) a high level tolerance to alcohol. Like once I met a guy in a club and I didn't remember I met him till he texted one friend of mine the following day!!! It appeared I gave my friend's number!!! Crazy. I just skipped that part! And till today I cannot remember how did I meet him and what I have said to him... That wasn't the worst thing it didn't make me feel guilty the next day.. but here is another night which is poisoning my life...it was 1 year ago, I went out, we started drinking beers, then shots of schnapps, I didn't eat anything before so I started feeling drunk but in a good way coz I was feeling happy. I texted another friend (a guy) who came with his friend, we met at a bar and then we left to his friend's flat. We continued drinking, I just remember drinking 1 or 2 shots of vodka plus smoking some illegal cigarette (I have never smoke before), and then blackout...my friend (girl) told me I threw up, a lot, she took me to the shower, she changed my clothes (the guy's flat lend me clothes), then she took me to bed and she felt scared coz I was so bad I almost passed out...I was cold, and she stayed with me in the room. Then (my friend related coz I cannot remember that part too) on the early morning I apparently woke up and get up, I don't know why, and she came back to sleep, but I never came back to the bed. I was probably (just assuming) searching for the toilets and couldnt find and ended up going to lay down on the bed...but not the one where my gf was...the bed of the guy (the guy's flat)...and woke up besides him. I woke up terribly stressed up, without even knowing wtf I was doing in his bed...then I get out the room and didn't see my friend. I was in panic. I took my phone and saw that she texted me she went home to pick some clothes for me, saying she woke up she didn't find me in the bed with her, the she thought I left the flat...then she enter the room of the guy and saw me...the guy assured me nothing happened, he got scared when I told him that maybe he raped me or so, he said I came in his bed when I was searching for the toilets (strange, but I cannot remember). till now I'm making too many scenarios in my head and I'm feeling getting crazy. I cannot talk about this to anyone around me. Since I never drunk like that, I cannot even drink now. It disgusts me. I am forced to live with that all my life. I feel guilty and bad, and I am living with this doubt if I've done or not something with that guy or not. I will never know the truth.

Hey Everyeone! I have just come across these posts, and whilst I feel bad that there are other people out there who feel like I do it has given me some real comfort too. Pretty much every single thing said on this wall I can relate to. I got super drunk on Saturday (It's now Wednesday) and I feel crippled with Anxiety at the moment in fear that I did something wrong. It's normally chatting to guys or just not being the person I am when sober. Same as a few of you I have made some mistkes when I was younger (I am now 27) and I constasntly think I will do that again when I know I won't! I literally make stuff up in my head and convince myself it is reality, and then when i try and back track I can't becasue I'm so confused as to what is real and what isn't, and becasue I was so drunk how can I ever really be sure - TOTAL NIGHTMARE! It has got worse over the years and I have been doing a ton better lately, and only having a couple of drinks when I go out, but every now and then (I would say twice a year) I go a bit silly and have memory loss etc and I hate it. The things that help me are: Not doing it in the first place, know your limits (say 3 drinks or soemthing) and stick to it. Perhpas only take out the right amount of money and not your card (although if you're girl I guess you can always get drinks from guys if you are single), exercise is a big one for me that really helps to blow away the cobwebs and rationalise stuff and also I am a Christian so my faith is a huge help too.

I am so sorry you guys all feel like this, as I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I have suffered bad anxiety in the past (not just associated with Boozing) and can be a bit OCD about stuff so I don't think that helps much. either. It akes snese to be obsessive in your thoughts. The thing I think we all have to remember is that it is a choice and you can stop feleing c**p and guilty and stupid and sick, you can do it and it will get better. Sadly I have done it so many times, but I really feel like I am changing over time and getting much better at not doing it in the first place and also dismissising irrational thoughts quicker than I used to. Life is too short to let this get us done, you absolutely have to try and live and learn and not let it haunt you. Every day is a new day. Hope you're all feeling ok x