Hi. I am a 42 year old male who has had MANY surgeries on my left side and left leg because of a staff infection that I got in the hospital when a rod that had been placed in my femur was removed. I was well on my way to becoming an addict before all this happened and sure enough tried to stay unconscious but alive for the first few years of my disability. Now, 20 years later, I still feel the guilt and the stigma that I'm "lucky" because I get to take methadone for this condition. Well, I don't feel lucky. I feel misunderstood and isolated and very, very depressed. I try to manage my medicine but to be honest I have very few good months. Most of the time I'm out by the time I get to my pain Dr. I'm scared to be honest w/ her from fear of being put out of the program. AA/NA helped me most but the God awful guilt when I mess up keeps me out of the meetings and they were the only place I ever felt peace and love. That unhealthy side of life has been w/ me for so long it's hard to ditch it and leave it. Yet I want to. Need to. God is nudging me that way yet I AM SO SCARED. I wish I had a group to go to lean on that dealt with this type of thing. Is anyone else out there in a position like me. I'd love to talk to you. Maybe we could help each other. I myself am desperate. Miserable. And the saddest part is that I used to love to party on the drugs that I now need to take to be able to get upand get coffee and get in the shower in the am. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.