This is ridiculous. I didnt feel social I felt trapped so found myself unable to talkt o other mums that normally im friendly with. I felt like an outsider, side acast for people to laugh at! Then people started to annoy moaning mums wineing at their husbands and I couldnt help eves dropping in on them and grrr -O got so fed up!
Im now in a worse mood because I made some comfort food. Homemads pasta and meatballs. he ats it-then calls me fattie! I now feel like complete sh*t-and want to throw it all up!
I need to find away not to go back to that place. I need to saty on top of it-I dont want to go back there. I really dont, cant talk to people close off from everyone, cant talk to people-I dont want to go or be in that place again, but it doesnt feel like it is in my control ( its also very selfish of me) But I can do the kiddies stuff with them-though it drives me mental!
Tut-I dont care if he thinks im fat I want chocolate!
Im now in a worse mood because I made some comfort food. Homemads pasta and meatballs. he ats it-then calls me fattie! I now feel like complete sh*t-and want to throw it all up!
I need to find away not to go back to that place. I need to saty on top of it-I dont want to go back there. I really dont, cant talk to people close off from everyone, cant talk to people-I dont want to go or be in that place again, but it doesnt feel like it is in my control ( its also very selfish of me) But I can do the kiddies stuff with them-though it drives me mental!
Tut-I dont care if he thinks im fat I want chocolate!
Who CARES what he thinks Katy! Didn't you tell me you are a size 8 or something like that! I haven't been a size 8 since I WAS 8!!!!! 8-| XD Don't do 1 thing for him NOTHING - don't make his dinner, don't pick up after him, if he asks just leave the room! Why the hell should you be his slave after what he has done to you - physically, sexually, emotionallly, mentally etc. Next time he asks about the papers - which he obviously DID have his lawyer send - say "When you move out NOT before!" Make him feel alone and unloved like he has with you! I know that is a LOT of negatie energy, but this will show him that you don't care (even though you might still is irrelevant) so make him PRAY to get his own place! And if he starts thinking that you don't care, he might just stop with the mind games, don't even talk or engage with him - it's hard, I've done it and it's exhausting - BUT so is pretending to give a damn! So stop with him, ignore him! I REALLY think you have allergies - but your mind (because of everything) goes several steps further, thinking it's worse - it will explain your nose, your head, your eyes, your throat etc. So even if you have to take the girls away for a weekend etc and stay at your moms, leave him when he REALLY needs help! Then he will get a taste of how you feel!
Hey Dawn and guest-Erm, Im no longer a size 8 - heading for the good old size 12. Im putting weight on fast!
Okay-Dawn I here how I have to behave-I know all that- I cant do it though! I mean i try to give the cold attitude etc-but I just cant make it consistent!
I woke to Becca oughing ( like a doggie bark) I knew she was coming down with something as shes been so clingy-she so lie me like that. She hangs around me 24/7 when shes feeling ill. Literally follows me about, then she gets moodie and tearful, but I get that-me too!
Well, if its a cold ive got , ive had it a while1
I was thinking , if I manage to get this second job-I can claim for the 2nd lot of benefits -so additinal costs 1 months I have a deposit for a place and the second month the first month rent........I know this sounds stupid, but I always believe the better of him...like when he said the lawyer said he would do that blah blah blah , lie lie lie...I always edge on believeing the better stuuf ( why do I do that?) Why did I not run zoom faster than a space rocket screaming to the police when he really hurt me-why did i not do that. I know why , at the time i felt so emotionally drained -couldntbelieve it, thought it was in my head , like he says it is, but when he conked up , i got up and as he was out of it I started to kick him with all hate and rage and cry like a god damn baby and why do I stil b elieve the better stuff? I remeber getting him off me, getting up, kicking him , probably not that hard ( which is a shame) ...You know how hes a sore back- I wish id done that -(actually I just hope its bloody painful!_ Thats so not me! anyway, the first thing you think of is survival-or ill keep that quiet-but as he says,,,"never tell people everything about you, theyll just hold it against you" I should have listened harde.
Anyway, Im doind a washing ironing day - what fun! Becca is on the couch coughing away ....and myeyes are sticky.alex is doing her homwwork on my laptop-and when were done were goingt o watch dr whobefore his dad comes round and takes over. the girls told me about how grandad called them "idiots" and actually meant it......he must of got frustrated with them , but my grandad would never have said anything like that he was full of cheeky remakrs that were fun and made you lauch and even when he had his array of man bags hanging around him as though hed been to tesco he was still fun-okay a bt down but christ that annoys me! Okay, and when Becca was feeling a little grumoy yesterday, we were watching britains got talent, and she grabbed me tigh and said "Mummy that woman looks like granny No...." She did too and I felt her confusion...though God If he finds this ill be dead..but Becca said and get this" ( trhis is so cruel but sickingly makes me smile) She said" Its granny blah blah, not the other one.. ( meaning my mum ) shes much better o.O o.O Kids are great so honest! God what a b***h im becoming1
Oh whoops I forgot to mention the fact he does this...he will get me a movie to watch and try and watch it with me-I dont get that. I get scared of what he will do next as i dont get any of his mind games.. I need to take control . no more like you say and Ive not had a panic attack in a while so I must be getting stronger! Okay Ill go give you some peace1
Okay-Dawn I here how I have to behave-I know all that- I cant do it though! I mean i try to give the cold attitude etc-but I just cant make it consistent!
I woke to Becca oughing ( like a doggie bark) I knew she was coming down with something as shes been so clingy-she so lie me like that. She hangs around me 24/7 when shes feeling ill. Literally follows me about, then she gets moodie and tearful, but I get that-me too!
Well, if its a cold ive got , ive had it a while1
I was thinking , if I manage to get this second job-I can claim for the 2nd lot of benefits -so additinal costs 1 months I have a deposit for a place and the second month the first month rent........I know this sounds stupid, but I always believe the better of him...like when he said the lawyer said he would do that blah blah blah , lie lie lie...I always edge on believeing the better stuuf ( why do I do that?) Why did I not run zoom faster than a space rocket screaming to the police when he really hurt me-why did i not do that. I know why , at the time i felt so emotionally drained -couldntbelieve it, thought it was in my head , like he says it is, but when he conked up , i got up and as he was out of it I started to kick him with all hate and rage and cry like a god damn baby and why do I stil b elieve the better stuff? I remeber getting him off me, getting up, kicking him , probably not that hard ( which is a shame) ...You know how hes a sore back- I wish id done that -(actually I just hope its bloody painful!_ Thats so not me! anyway, the first thing you think of is survival-or ill keep that quiet-but as he says,,,"never tell people everything about you, theyll just hold it against you" I should have listened harde.
Anyway, Im doind a washing ironing day - what fun! Becca is on the couch coughing away ....and myeyes are sticky.alex is doing her homwwork on my laptop-and when were done were goingt o watch dr whobefore his dad comes round and takes over. the girls told me about how grandad called them "idiots" and actually meant it......he must of got frustrated with them , but my grandad would never have said anything like that he was full of cheeky remakrs that were fun and made you lauch and even when he had his array of man bags hanging around him as though hed been to tesco he was still fun-okay a bt down but christ that annoys me! Okay, and when Becca was feeling a little grumoy yesterday, we were watching britains got talent, and she grabbed me tigh and said "Mummy that woman looks like granny No...." She did too and I felt her confusion...though God If he finds this ill be dead..but Becca said and get this" ( trhis is so cruel but sickingly makes me smile) She said" Its granny blah blah, not the other one.. ( meaning my mum ) shes much better o.O o.O Kids are great so honest! God what a b***h im becoming1
Oh whoops I forgot to mention the fact he does this...he will get me a movie to watch and try and watch it with me-I dont get that. I get scared of what he will do next as i dont get any of his mind games.. I need to take control . no more like you say and Ive not had a panic attack in a while so I must be getting stronger! Okay Ill go give you some peace1
I have a big fat bellie thats true!This is the thing, its the three of us, and I jsut want to get clean, but chill out///watch friend over and over, thats what my gilrs do, but I also want to pamper us...make all of us feel good!
I know you say dont do another thing for him-its impossible. the dishes get mixed amongst his and our, and his clothes get bunged in the washing basket and I end u folding them to make space fr the next lot. My nose is so blocked and coughing gagging thing, itchy eyes and an upset stomach...though must admit..just lie my student friends used to tell me :Ive a stimach of steel: theyd be puking and Id be fine....Id rather it come out the other end anyhow seems a bit more natural..yeah-im on edge....Is it really true that guys only like strong confident know what they are doing types?
I know you say dont do another thing for him-its impossible. the dishes get mixed amongst his and our, and his clothes get bunged in the washing basket and I end u folding them to make space fr the next lot. My nose is so blocked and coughing gagging thing, itchy eyes and an upset stomach...though must admit..just lie my student friends used to tell me :Ive a stimach of steel: theyd be puking and Id be fine....Id rather it come out the other end anyhow seems a bit more natural..yeah-im on edge....Is it really true that guys only like strong confident know what they are doing types?
Becca definately has croup! Shes just coughing like a seal!
Thats bizarre-Im feeling yuck and started to google. Theres a bew term called "drunkorexia" I guess its what i\ve been doing for the last few years. You get hungry-but the food you have in supply just doesnt do the appetite thing any justice......those calroies are a waist for my taste buds-then feeeling starving-wanting to eat but actuallly feeling physically inable to , then drrinking becaus eyou get the calories and you me I like the numbing effects Madness! God I hope no ne i know finds me here! :$
Poor Becca!
Been googling people who drink the 750ml a night! seems quite sommon-I guess most people dont turn up at their GPs office with this problem then eh?
Been googling people who drink the 750ml a night! seems quite sommon-I guess most people dont turn up at their GPs office with this problem then eh?
I cant get rid of this sinnisitus and sore throat-doesnt matter what I do!
Stress doesn't help you lose weight! And if you don't eat enough regularly, your body will hold onto food because it gets scared not knowing when another meal is comming...But don't fret gaining some weight, it happens to the best of us! And him saying what he says is only going to make matters worse, so just ignore him like bambi says...do what you want to do, for you!
If you and Becca aren't getting better soon, then I would suggest going to the doctors...and i get that same way when i'm sick!
Well heres hope you get the second job! Then you can afford a place of your own with your girls! :-D and finally show that pig you don't need him and don't want him! and be independent! bet he wouldn't see that commming!
Don't worry about what you could have done or should have done, just worry about what you can do and will do :-D you can't go back and change the past, but you can make for a better future.
And self-defence is not against the law! you have the right to protect yourself! and again, his mind games is all in the cycle of abuse!
But it seems like you had a good day with your girls! which is great! :-D
If you and Becca aren't getting better soon, then I would suggest going to the doctors...and i get that same way when i'm sick!
Well heres hope you get the second job! Then you can afford a place of your own with your girls! :-D and finally show that pig you don't need him and don't want him! and be independent! bet he wouldn't see that commming!
Don't worry about what you could have done or should have done, just worry about what you can do and will do :-D you can't go back and change the past, but you can make for a better future.
And self-defence is not against the law! you have the right to protect yourself! and again, his mind games is all in the cycle of abuse!
But it seems like you had a good day with your girls! which is great! :-D
Feeling really low and unwell and in a panic as splattered blood out on brushing teeth. Thought it was my teeth, hoping it was-but no blood on my gums. Spat some more and sure enough some blood. Beecas still of and I feel weak. Going back to bed and if I survive i may well go into refuge. he wouldnt even take the big one to school this morning and hes off
well went bak to bed-cried some. Beccas of today, but shes okay. I forgot ive a job interview!
It just gets me so so angry. This shouldnt be allowed. he should be arrested. he knows exactly what hes doing EXACTLY whats hes doint-and it really angers me-that he wel we went for it big time all those years ago . Me being 8 years younger How could i have been so naive? and then this he takes no responsibility and doesnt care if I am walking about the place in a real state he doent give a f**k Nothing he doesnt even give a sh*t not properly about the kids or he wouldnt want to take their home from them or their mother from them and whats worse is I did all the owrk getting this place, making nice making it a home, I got myself into a lot of debt so the girls wouldnt miss out, I am the one that has upteen jobs and trying ttrying to help things. hes stilll in the same job that he was in 10 years agao-the day I announced I was pregnant is the day he should have got his finger out his backside or wherever men like him put it and should have helped and thought of FAMILY but no no , I have to fall for somethig that resembles satin! Then followee by me questioning him"How can you just watch this , how can you just walk away from things, tell them ...and this was his very words 5 minutes ago"ITS ALL YOUR OWN MAKING, ALL YOUR OWN DOING AND ITS YOU THATS MADE YOURSELF MISERABLE" Well, okay if you include my wine drinking I get what hes saying but hes angered me now so much I want a bloody box of wine to give me the bloody strength and power to ...okay calm down me..I need to calm down before I say something that many years down the line might be held against me. Im surprised that no one else has done anything to him before now. I mean-theres no JUSTICE!!!!! is it me or is he a sociopath?
Hmmm- I dont think that went that well-not sure!. My sinuses are not enjoying this!
never wear eye make up when youve itchy eyes. I now lok like alice cooper and cant get the stuff off!
Just bought Oxymetazoline from the chemist and so far my nose is pounding!