Hi guys,
In October I took mushrooms and then took a huge bong hit after. I am a one-hit wonder so I know this was just an overwhelm to my body. It was a very intense trip, not actually bad, but at the time I felt like my thoughts, words and body were completely out of my control. Steadily for two months following I continued smoking weed. I was feeling completely different and not like myself at all and my life just kept getting worse and worse. Now I have stopped smoking (which truly breaks my heart as weed was my savior and joy. I feel it brought me to my true self and helped me be so confident and relaxed and truly happy and at ease and peaceful). And now am more aware of what is happening to me. My body and mind is in a state of complete tension constantly. When I tell myself "I'm here" I feel my mind and body relax for just a single moment and then I feel the tension going back into my forehead and into my body. It gets to the point throughout the day where my muscles will swell to an extreme degree, my legs, arms, shoulders, neck. I feel it happening. I feel pain in my body, like in my old injuries in my knees and wrist. And I know its because of the tension building up from my mind and not from anything else. My face turns red, in fact my whole body turns red. And along with this comes extreme fear. I am basically in a state of complete fear. I believe my body is releasing a chemical constantly causing this. And please understand it is NOT the thoughts I am thinking. Truly. It is very physical, it feels like a major chemical imbalance. Before I started telling myself "I'm here" I was at the point in the middle of the day where I couldn't breathe and just feel totally miserable. I am wondering if it's possible to retrain the mind by constantly telling myself "I'm here." But now its like OCD and I am saying it constantly.
It has already been three months, and I am very scared. I wake up and just feel paralyzed. Like I cannot really move or accomplish anything at all. And throughout the day it gets worse and worse. Running helps to release the body tension but it comes right back. It is constantly happening. The tension in my face and body. And my face looks like I am upset because of the tension that is in there that I cannot control. It's embarrassing. And then I get to the point where I am running into things, dropping things, forgetting things, have trouble listening to people. And I still have mushroom vision. People look differently and colors are more saturated. I am just heartbroken and so lost. Before I took mushrooms I was so happy, although I know weed helped to make me so happy. But still life was wonderful. I live in Maui and was so blissed out every single day. Now I feel I can't even be around people or have a relationship. I am just so scared as to how long this will last and if I could just know that in time it will pass that would help the most. I just wonder how it could change and just stop one day. It's like my body is used to this and its just happening. I have some xanax that help me go to work now which I was truly unable to before. But it is just covering up what's happening which continues to happen even with the xanax its just toned down sort of. I miss my marijuana soooo much but know that for now its not good for me because when I smoke it just amplifies everything. How can I shift this? Will this ever pass? And will I be able to smoke weed again? I even work in a head shop which makes me desire it even more. Weed truly changed my life. I had only been smoking for 6 months prior and weed was also very psychadelic for me so I wonder if even that was hard on my body. Because after never really smoking I was smoking from morning to night (only like one hit every 5 hours would be good for me though).I keep regretting that day I took mushrooms and I'm trying to let go of this it just really sucks with my life now. I feel like I am living in hell. Please please can somebody help me and guide me?