I want a baby, but my husband "isnt ready"

Yeah okay I'm not here to nit-pick any ones life. I came to connect with women having a common problem, I'm open with my situation and I say my side of the story sharing what has helped me. If you don't want to believe me and make your own story off me then that's you. I'm am NOT judging anyone here and I do my best to be understanding and helpful. That's good for you Bambi that you've also had a rough childhood and that you aren't letting it get you down, we are going against the grain. I meant it when I said we don't let the past hold us back, and I encourage everyone not let it keep them down either. Look back and figure out where the road went wrong and not shrink the responsibility of making the road right. That was the point I tried to make clear. The first step is to forgive, and it was the hardest. 

Reply to Bambi,

Your personal theory is strictly an opinion and I can respect that. Allow me to shed some light on the subject of lynxikas " bad" childhood. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. And I do mean survivor, notice I did not include myself a as victim because my mentality is thus Even though I was exposed to such atrocity as sexual abuse I chose to break the chain of misery by not repeating the deeds nor condoning such behavior. I had my oldest daughter shortly after I turned 18 and had three months until I graduated. I worked more than 25 hours a week since the age of 14 and continued to work while I had my daughter and finished school on time and with honors just as I should have. Being a single mother, as her own father abandoned his role, I did not always make the best decisions in regards to my personal dealings with individuals, whom I realized at a young age, you cannot control what other people will do nor feel no matter what the situation. All an individual can do is control their own reactions to others be it in action, word ,or deed. The suggestion that my daughter and her husband fall into the category of "BUT it was kind of true for you guys!" is basically  making an untrue statement as you  do not know the dynamics of what was " bad" about their childhoods, nor is it accurate to assume that they have not overcome their childhood tribulations. On the contrary, I did not "act" like my mother when raising my daughter, I admit mistakes were made along the way  from lack of better judgment in the growing process as a young mother, but that is in all our resumes when we become a mother. The only " Perfect" mother that can lay claim to doing all that is right is the Holy Mother herself, and then it still is on assumption and interpretation of which " dogma" you follow as an individual.  the fact that I broke from the  traditional" family upbringing my family adhered to is a prime example that no matter what I may have gone through , I chose , actively, to make sure my daughter was taken care of First and foremost, and more times than I can count I had to sacrifice my own wants , needs, and desires in order to do so. Even to the point that for a time I gave temporary custody to another in order to ensure my daughter suffered the least of the consequences that occurred from my own actions , some of which I had control over and some of which I had no control over. The point being, it is unfair , biased, and judgmental of you to classify two individuals you know nothing about except by what personal opinion she holds that pertains to her personal experiences, whether they are experiences that can be shared with other women by similarity or not. Experiences are similar but the feelings, accomplishments, obstacles and dynamics of their personal relationship are unique. On the point that""our past can never hold us back" As sometimes you can't overcome the scars of it!" I disagree. I carry many scares internally, and externally, but that does not mean they cannot be overcome. Overcoming the hardships one has faced and the ability to recognize when unhealthy cognitive behaviors are influencing actions to continue that are destructive and unhealthy is certainly classified as overcoming the " scars". Some individuals wear their "scars" like a badge of honor while others still go around thinking the world "owes "them something; still others never let the " scars" show and  no one is any the wiser.

You seem to be a fairly intelligent and well spoken women and I applaud you the ability as a fellow survivor of  childhood abuse to break the vicious cycle. We can agree to disagree, but I find it disturbing that your personal theory, based on your opinion, would overflow into making an assumption that Lynxika and her husband are not over their childhoods. I beg to differ as I personally know what both have overcome and have placed in the past, because they chose to be students of the experience and not victims of the circumstances. the past is a learning tool for this young couple, who by all statistics according to "normal "society, shouldn't have made it this far, let alone be married. They have beaten odds on all levels. Neither of them is playing " games" with each other, and as my grandmother always said" You will never truly know everything about your spouse, even if you are together for a lifetime, but what you can do is love them unconditionally and the only way to do that is to agree to disagree and not place "conditions" on the union in the first place that leaves no room for negotiation and compromise." Finding healthy ways to take the focus off wanting a baby on the " biological" clock is a very mature and responsible thing to do. Forcing a spouse to give in by pressuring them with guilt is not a mature nor healthy way to address the issue, nor accomplish the goal. In my opinion, it was judgmental and a matter of your own personal theory to make the assumption" that it was kind of true for you guys". I hear what you are saying, but it does not apply to this couple in the manner you stated.

 

Dear Lynxika! For some reason this has taken off on a different more personal tangent then is intended! So lets you and I just leave it at that! I do NOT know your circumstances, and you feel offended and strongly disagree with my hypothesis! So lets just concentrate on the women on here who are in a conflict of indecision and feeling betrayed! I wish you good luck and health!

Hi guys. Thought I'd update you. I'm the lady whose husband agreed to 2014 and my sister-in-law is pregnant.

Just thought I'd update you with some positive moving forward. As a result of getting so upset about my sister-in-law I decided to have a frank chat
with my husband about how I felt because I realised we hadn't done this properly. I felt that he didn't understand what things upset me and I, like many of you, was fed up of feeling like a nag!

So I let him know that things like walking down baby aisles when shopping, babies on tv etc. made me sad because I wanted a a baby and that the best thing he could do was just recognise these things too and give me extra love and attention. Turns out he did notice this but didn't know what to do because he thought it would highlight the problem!

Also by talking frankly all the things I was worried about delaying the baby, like his career progression etc wasn't the reason we were waiting at all! He told me he was just being selfish because he wanted some more time when he had me to himself and wanted to do more things together. So this was lovely to hear and made me feel better about waiting becuase he just wants more time together as a couple becuase we've never had much money to do things together. So knowing this I think will help me becuase that way I can take it a month at a time and spend my time thinking of next months activity together.

However despite this lovely reason for wanting to wait..I'm still desperate for a baby and that's not going away. In this frank talk my husband said what he really wanted was for us to both wake up one day and decide we wanted a baby and that's why he didn't like my deadline. I told him as well how unrealistic this was, so we are definitely trying at the beginning n of 2014, coming off pill mid 2013 to get my system back on track. I also let him know if he wakes up one morning wanting a baby then he should let me know because I'm already there!

So I hope that update gives some hope and ideas, so now I have said my piece and how I feel I think I'll try and bring up less often now because I feel I've been heard...I especially think it helped because I stayed calm, didn't cry or shout and did at a time we were both awake and not in a rush.

Hope this helps ladies..and good luck also!

I am in a somewhat similar boat as most of you.  I am 28 and my husband is 29.  We have been trying for a baby since October of last year.  When I wasn't getting pregnant, I went to the doctor and and found out I have POS which makes it harder to conceive.  I am now on all this medication to help the process along.  We continued trying for two months after that.  Then, this last month, my husband never seemed to be in the mood.  When I finally confronted him, I had to pry it out of him about him wanting a baby.  He told me that he no longer wants a baby because we aren't financially ready.  Who is?  We spend so much money on trivial things that we really don't need.  But he has to have his video games.  I feel like anymore he pays more attention to his games than me.  He told me when we get married we would have kids by our 3rd year of marriage and that is not happening now.  Even when he decides now he wants kids, it could take up to 2 years for us to get pregnant, if at all.  I'm not sure what changed his mind about wanting kids now.  He says he will be ready in a few years, but it is hard to believe him anymore.  I was born to be a mother.  I know that I was.  This is one thing that I want.  I travel all over for him and his work, and am willing to relocate to other states for his work (which means me finding another job every so many years).  So how are we going to be financially ready?  I can't talk to him about it either because he starts yelling and says I make a big deal of it.  I am going to make a big deal of it when we were trying and then to just stop.  And to know with POS and being over 30 will slim my chances way down.  Now I question staying with him.  Is it really worth staying with someone if they can't keep their minds up about getting pregnant.  Why try and change your mind after less than a year of trying?  That is what is really bothersome to me.

Guest 609 I really feel for you. I'm sorry to hear you may find it harder to conceive and I can understand why you may want to leave your husband. I think you should ask yourself though whether any baby will do or is it your husbands baby you want. You need to really look at what you think is important to you. I say this because I am so desperate for a baby with my husband and I know i want to be a mother but i also know at my young age I want not just any baby but my husband's specifically. I want us to be a family. So before you even consider leaving your husband I would seriously think about what it is you really want. However I know time is an issue..but also think if it's a family you want it may take a wile ot find another guy who wants a baby and most don't want to start trying as soon as you meet them!

However everything you say is also true, you are never financially ready and all your comments about your husband and your sacrifices are totally understandable and justifiable you being angry. For a lot of women on here they are having trouble getting their husband to even start trying..perhaps what your husband is feeling is the pressure of baby-making sex. I've known couples get so frustrated and fed up because sex has started to feel like a stressful chore. Mayeb that is what he's feeling and he's using the finances as an excuse instead? I know every day, week and month feels like an opportunity missed but maybe to get him trying properly again you could try a couple of months just enjoying sex for sex (whilst still taking your fertility drugs) and he'll start to relax again and be more open to starting a family again.

I hope this has helped. I'm still finding every day waiting to try a struggle and babies are literally everywhere..I can't watch tv, read books or anything without feeling horrible so I know how you feel.I feel like I'm going mad. That's why I'm still coming on here a lot and reading what people say so I don't feel alone so please keep posting and I'll try and help support anyone else who needs advice but obviously this is all opinion and no expertise. Anyone know the best way to get through the nights? I find my mind racing and jealous burning thoughts about my sister-in-law happen mostly at these times when my husband falls asleep before me so any advice would help.

Good luck ladies :)

to northernmonkey

Thank you allyouneedislove. I have managed to have a few talks with my hubby now and so far he's being very supportive now we know
what the problems are and that he mainly wants more time with me. He does however know his date for trying and I'm confidant he'll stick to it, if not the tips on here will come in useful! I've also made it clear how distressed I am every day so he's aware it's not gone away and he's starting to be more aware of what could upset me and is paying me more attention at these times...he was even understanding when I was upset about having a period reminding me I'm not pregnant....only 24 to go!

I think once we move next year to a bigger flat it'll seem more feasible to him as well. I'm also trying to look on the brightside that when he sees our new nephew or niece he may get broody enough to consider moving our date forward. I guess I'm also lucky enough to have a date at the moment even if he doesn't move it closer.

Thanks ladies again for your advice and posts, it's great not to feel alone or silly for having to devise ways to keep my mind off babies!

Good luck ladies

it is 2011 and i am just now finding these posts but they help me as much now as they helped all the others a couple years ago.  I too desperately want a baby.  I will be 33 in August and my husband will be 31 in 3 weeks.  I feel like we need to start having a baby now since we arent getting any younger.  4 months ago he agreed to stop the pill in June.  Well June came and went and he wouldn't talk about it.  For the last couple of weeks he's been bringing up babies and showing me baby clothes and things.  So i decided to approach the subject again today.  Well he drops a bombshell on me saying he doesn't want to anymore because it will be too expensive and he won't get to 'do what he wants to do anymore'.  I know i looked at him like he was crazy.  he said - he thinks that after you have a baby all the 'fun' stops.  I said - no that's when the fun starts!!  I KNOW i was meant to be a mother and i feel like i am running out of time.  I am so confused becasue he keeps changing his mind.  And maybe he's confused too, but i wish he would tell me that so we can work through it.  I can't take this and to think of a life without a family makes me heart hurt so bad i can't stand it.  Also, i love my husband and he has type 1 diabetes.  Truthfully i know i will live much longer than him and i want a family as well as a part of him to hold on to after he's gone.  I don't know if that's something i should tell him, but thats definitely how i feel.  He is great with kids and i know would be a great dad.  I just don't know how to convince him that although there will be hard times with a baby, it will be more than worth it.  What do i do??

Frustrated I can see why you are. I'm so sorry this is happening to you too. I also think it almost cruel your husband started to show you baby clothes and then change his mind even though I'm sure this wasn't his intention. Perhaps he is just scared and is using the old I won't get to do what I want anymore as an excuse. You should definitely try talking to him again. Perhaps find out what it is he is most scared of ot being able to do anymore and I'm sure you will find a way to do it. Your life does not end with a baby and there are very few things you can't do anymore, sometimes it just takes  a bit more planning. Trust me, whilst having 4 kids my dad went to uni, my parents have always had a very active sex and social life and I still had a great family life with them. We had great hols, even though it was uk camping and when my siblings and I got older they were soon back doing coupldes holidays abroad and weekends away. Time flies!

I find it helped with my partner explaining as best I could how I actually feel about feeling empty and incomplete and my husband new early on in our relationship that children are what I wanted in the future, to withdraw from that is not what I signed up for. Maybe don't tell him you expect to die first but I definitely told my husband that I wanted a part of him with me in case anything happened and that I wanted his baby, not just any baby.

What I also did to help me gain perspective was search the internet for forums syaing my wife wants a baby but I'm not ready and found some great posts off men to men saying great supportive things to the man about fatherhood, perhaps they can give you some ideas to calm his fears.

I know it's difficult and hard, but whilst I can still play the waiting game, I'm 23, I think you're right to keep addressing the issue, if he changes his mind down the line it could be too late and it can take a while sometimes whatever age you are. Keep communicating weith him, keep assuring him you love him but also let him know this issue won't go away. I'm not saying pressure, bribe or blackmail him but let him know his options or what your thoughts are if he still refuses to have a child....could you stay with him if he does not move and never wants children?

Good luck, I hope this helps, I get alerted to all new posts because it's so helpful to me so please keep posting if you want any more opinions, hope it goes well!

well bad update from me i'm afraid. my sister-in-law found out I'm upset that she's pregnant and has told me to stop being selfish and putting facebook statuses up where i feel sorry for myself for being childless...even though i was doing this before her pregnancy to get support from my friends!

That's lovely. She's the one actually having a baby, although in un-ideal circumstances...and somehow because I'm writing i feel sad and broody I become the bad guy. I've explained to her how i feel but i'm sure you agree ladies she won't understand and I'll continue to be the bad guy becuase my statuses will remain, my feelings are valid. Any ideas how to get the point across if she doesn't accept my apology for upsetting her but defiance at keeping my support network for this difficult timer?

update and repsonse from some past posts... My brother and sister-in-law just had their baby, and like some of you, I was hoping my husband would see the baby and it would change his mind about wanting to wait to ttc. That he would fall in love with our niece and would want to share that experience with me. Well, I was wrong. I think it did more damage than good. He saw how much it had changed my brother and his wife. Before the baby they were both so fun and laid back. I think it scared my husband and now that's just another reason to wait- so we don't "change". And in response to the last post, I am sorry your sister-in-law is not being very understanding. Mine knows I want a baby and my husband isn't ready. Once hers was born she passed down her "What to expect Before you're expecting" book. One word of advice, it's fine to express your feelings and gain support through this difficult time, but maybe try other avenues than Facebook that you SIL can't see. I use this forum as well as my female prayer group. Occasionally I will post a bible verse on my Facebook, but nothing directly baby related, just something vague to gain support. I hope this helps. I think my husband is getting closer. I just have to be patient :( we had discussed trying this September. It was very difficult this past month however, because I was late and thought I might be pregnant. I was so excited, but then so disappointed when AF came. My only hope for now is that I'm not on any form of BC and we're usingthe POM aroun ovulation days (I use the Ovulation tracker app from What to Expect). So there is still a chance of getting pregnant each month. I can only pray and put it in gods hands!

thanks guest87. I am using forums etc but i also feel the need to get support from my friends...and I was saying these thigns before my sister-in-lae got pregnant so I don't know why she thinks it's all about her. I guess I'll have to be more mindful of what she could interpret to refer to her, I'll have to be more generic as you suggest. Thanks for your support.

Sorry to hear your niece has made things scarier for your husband but thigns do get better as they get older, perhaps remid him of this. I had that fear too but fortunately for me i live 250 miles away from my sister-in-law and she is not married to the babies father, or even with him now so I'm pretty sure any fear my husabd has of us changing as a couple won't be exacerbated by my nephew or niece being born. I'm sorry to hear about your false hope, I also had the same thing, my husband was very confused when  I went to the toilet and came back in tears. on his won thoguh he's thinkng about increasing his monthly direct debit into the baby fund so hopefully when we move it could bring our ttc forward when we have realistic space for a baby. I'm feeling more confidant he won't back out the more he keeps doing things on his own like upping our savings...but i am aware of all the cautionary last minute mind changes on here!

I wish you all the luck

So This has been helpful... At least I know im not the only woman going tru this things. Im 24 yrs old, Next month Im turning 25. My husband just turned 25 as well. We been together for 3 1/2 yrs and been married for 1 yr and 1 month. I been wanting to have a baby a while ago. But I guess there is a time a woman life when you have the urge the need to have a little one with you. I want to have 3 babies and I refuse to have my children when im old... im not saying above 30 is old but when it comes to having a baby your body is not as healthy as in the mid twenties. I researched so much into it so I've told my husband I wanted a kid a while ago and he said "yes after we paid our debts" which makes sense... a few months later and after thinking about it... we are not paying this students loans in a few 2-3 yrs.. that means i will be 28 and since i want to have 3 kids oh lord... sooo this is the funny... and depressing part of the story

I came across this site a few months ago when I was going through this strong urge to have baby. My husband and I have been together for 4 1/2 years and married for 10 months. Since then I have calmed down on the baby kick because my husband had made it clear that he wasn't ready to start a family. Well as of yesterday he went from not being "ready" to have a baby to not wanting to have children at all!! He said that right now in his life he doesn't want to have any children and he might wake up tomorrow and change his mind or it could be 2 years from now or even worst 5-10 years from now!!! How does a man go into a marriage saying he wants children and then change his mind? I love my husband with all my heart but I don't know what to do. I want to have two children family before I'm 28. (I'm 23 and he is 25) I know we are very young and we have time but how long to I wait for him to change his mind? I don't want to go through life with out having a family. I'm naturally a very maternal person. I feel as if I'm not being heard! This is one of many disagreements lately. I want him to start getting healthy with me and lets face it he isn't going to lower his cholesterol by playing video games all the time.  I also I would like to to communicate with me! When your married you should be best friends and talk about everything! Nope he laughed at me when I told him that I want him to be my best friend. I don't want to get a divorce! I want to grow old with him. Any advice ladies?