I want a baby, but my husband "isnt ready"

@ wanting more:

Thanks Angelica. It really is comforting to know that there are people who understand. I would love to just say 'hey I'm done with BC' unfortunately I can't. Only because I haven't been on BC since just shortly after we got together. It was causing me to have high blood pressure and therefore I can no longer take any form of BC. My boyfriend is also allergic to latex so we don't use condoms either. You would think a pregnancy would have happened by now but he has really amazing control over his body! :(

i am glad i stumbled upon this post, i have been looking for weeks for something to help me with what i am going through. Two years ago my parents got me a puppy to help with my depression, they understood me more than i believed. They knew that the dog would help me with my baby blues and he does! My puppy is my baby for now but sometimes he is just not enough. I have always been very maternal, since 14 I had been thinking of ways to seal my fate, i did not even care for the father to be there, i just NEEDED the baby. Luckily I have made it to 18 but i am just so lost. I have always wanted four kids and wanted to start at eighteen, but i inderstand that to give them a good life, i must wait until i have finished college, that way they never have to grow up in the situation i did. But I tend to overlook that part when i am really upset  with not having a baby yet. When I turned 16 i got High risk HPV and was told i could very easily get cancer which made me feel worse, my only thought was that i wanted a baby. I know adoption is out there but it's the idea of carrying the baby for nine months, when your lying there and your stomach flutters, knowing that it's you baby boy/girl; the baby that you are carrying, the baby from your dna. It is the idea that even though life will have an obstacle, that obstacle will make everyday of your life worth it especially when you hear the first cry, when you see the first steps and so on. Even the sleepless nights sound appealing(i know what i am in for, i cared for my older sisters child for 6 months while she was being lazy, and now she is having her 2nd!) The thought of having a child, our child that needs me, depends on me and through those nine months the anticipation of meeting them for the first time, holding your miracle in your arms for the first time makes it all that much harder. I always said that before i die the ONLY thing i wanted to do is have a baby. I am scared i will lose my chance to have children and that thought within itself is horrifying.

When I turned 18, I quit my birth control, because of the risk of becoming infertile. That did not help my situation much, it keeps me hoping that we will concieve on accident.  Lately my bf is always complaining about me hating him, and finally i sat him down and told him about my baby blues. He was frustrated mostly because he said, "So you are going to resent me until you have a baby!" That hurt, I do not mean to resent him, I have been trying to deal with this privately but it is coming too much.It is hard to go to work anymore because everyone is getting pregnant or just had a baby.  Just the other night at work i was sitting outside by myself when 2 girls came up to me and one was excited and told me she was having a baby.  I didnt even know her, it was so hard to keep the tears back. On top of that our friends that we see on couples night just found out they were pregnant, and their not even tohethor! Why does the world seem so unfair?!!! I keep going through my brain telling myself i am not normal, i am too young but i feel the only thing that really helps is my puppy and talking to my bf when times get rough for me. He thinks he  understands what I am going through and maybe he does but we are both still set on waiting until we are out of school. My bf has been supportive of me and even proposed but yet, after reading all of the posts, i am scared it will make it worse now; but i do know that whatever does happen, no matter how hard i fall into depression, my bf will be there at my side. After all thats how Ricky found me, broken and in pieces and i thank god every day that he took months to sit by me and piece me back togethor, and not once did he ever ask anything(unlike most teenage boys). No matter how much it kills me, i know i can wait, as long as my bf is ready to pick me up when/if i  hit the bottom.

@ christina:

you ARE normal. my sister was the same, she just KNEW she was meant to be a mother from a very young age. she had a little boy at 15 and he is the light of her life (there is a lot of hardship attached to her having a baby that young, but she insists that it was worth it hands down). i just wanted to say that you should never give up hope, and when it feels like you shouldnt want what you want, remind yourself that its not just a want, its a physical need and you should never deny your needs because of what other people say. stay strong.

Hey all, my name is Jenn and I'm 21. My husband is turning 29 in a few months, and I don't know what to do. I've always wanted to be a wife and mother, even from grade 4. But every time I talk to my husband about it, he says no. He's not ready. We don't have enough money. He wants to finish the kitchen first. He forgets that it's not instantaneous. You don't have sex and boom there's a baby sitting in front of you. It takes time to conceive, and 9 months till the baby is born. We've been married for almost 2 years, and when we were dating we talked about kids ALL the time. We both want them, he wants 2, I could have 3 (but no more). When we got married, sex disappeared, as well as any chance of having kids. Every time I talk to him about it he keeps pushing the timeline back. Last summer I really started wanting kids. To the point that my periods were late and I thought I was pregnant. So we started talking about it. He said we'll start trying at the end of the year. Christmas comes, I think this will be a great Christmas present, so I tell him. No. He wants to wait another year or so. Oh. Okay. So I leave him alone. A few months ago all my friends either had their first, got pregnant with their first, or got pregnant with their second. And some of them are younger than I am. So I started REALLY thinking about it again. Because this isn't something you just forget. So I start talking to my DH again. He still wants another year or so. But here's the thing. I'm done school, and he's almost done is apprenticeship. We have a 4 bedroom home, the kitchen is on it's last few stages, and we both have jobs. He works M-F, I work 4-6 days per week. I don't see why we can't start trying. I keep telling him that he's preparing me for when we have kids because he acts like a child, but all he says is good. Thing is, I don't need to be prepared to have kids, I AM prepared to have kids. I love children, and everyone tells me that I'm going to be a great mom. Some of the women at our church tell me to wait and spend more time with my husband before we have kids, but they don't understand that I am at risk for cervical cancer (my mom was diagnosed with it early 30s, possibly late 20s. She had a hysterectomy and is still alive today). I would like to have all of my children before I lose all hope of having any. I go for paps every year just so I can catch it early. I've tried everything I can think of. Talking to him, praying about it, I even (ashamedly) poked holes in condoms for a few weeks. NOTHING. My DH doesn't understand that this is killing me. I can live with the decrease in sex. I can live with an unfinished kitchen. I just want a baby. I'd give anything up to have one. But he doesn't understand that. I don't want us to be old when our kids graduate college. And having a family now will allow me the chance to bounce back easier. I don't have a perfect body, and I never will, but I love my body, and that's what matters. I'll never have a flat stomach, even after kids, but I'll love every stretch mark, every dimple, every wrinkle, and every grey hair because I'll have kids that I will love more than anything in the world. On my days off, when my DH is working, the house seems so empty. I long to hear baby coos and (dare I say it) the pitter patter of little feet. I want to have to put breakables away. I want to baby proof my house. I want to be able to show my baby a butterfly, or birds splashing in the birdbath, or hold them when they're sleepy, I even want to change their diapers. I even look forward to breastfeeding, and have a plan for what I'll feed them when they start getting teeth (pureed fruits and veggies from scratch -- no processed c**p). I've taken care of kids my whole life (starting with my sister -- 3 years younger than I). I changed my first diaper at 3 (it was my sister's LOL). I held my first baby at 2. I fed my first infant at 5 or 6. I'm around kids all the time, and I love it. But my DH doesn't understand that after we make love and I know I'm not pregnant thanks to condoms, I cry myself to sleep. I love him so much, and I would never leave him if we never had kids, I just want to have a part of him growing inside me. To be able to hold a smaller version of him in my arms. To kiss toes and go for walks. I have boxes of stuffed animals and children's books for our children as they grow up. My step-father in law even offered to make us a crib. We have the room for children, he just doesn't want kids yet. And I'm not going to force him to have kids, I just want him to understand WHY I want kids, and how much I desire to have them. If you've gotten this far thanks for listening, I hope you have a great day. Does anyone know how I can talk to him without him getting defensive or angry? Thanks.

What you are experiencing is a Man's logic vs. A woman's kneejerk emotional response.

Your men are just trying to be responsible, to bring a child into a world where it doesn't have to suffer, or be without.  Saving money, having a good job with health insurance, a safe reliable car, a decent school system.......

Thank God for all these smart men, or we would just have a bunch more single moms on a government income draining the tax dollars off those families who listened to the man and have a successful life, instead of reacting in an irrational and emotional way like a woman and now sit at home and use other families tax dollars for welfare and food stamps until they can find another man to get pregnant again and try to leech child support off of....

Children are not pets, you are not running to the corner store to get a kitten......You only have one chance per child to get it right, and more than just your selfish needs are at stake.

 

Thanks.

what you said would be sensible if we all were uneducated hill-billies who just wanted to get pregnant because we could, but this post is hurtful and cruel to say to women who desperately want a child and who are attempting to deal with the wait by reaching out to others who may be able to help them deal with the hurt.

A lot of men are simply scared or don't want the burden, and although there are some who care about long-term finances, lots of them are simply procrastinating because they don't really want to grow up all the way just yet.

If you want to post just to make others feel bad, you should go drown yourself you thoughtless, heartless animal. this is a place for support, not a place where sadists are invited to make other people suffer.

I love children. I have two nieces and two nephews who mean everything to me. I have been married now for a year and a half. My husband is in the military and has been home from deployment for about 4 months now. I have wanted kids for years, but really started wanting them months after I got married. My husband has decided he wants to wait 6 months to 1 year to begin trying. Now I know that doesn't seem that far away, however, it takes 9 months before bringing a baby into the world anyway. Why wait? Every time the subject comes up, he gets pissed off and walks away. Now to a lot of people I get the same reaction. "You're still so young, you have plenty of time before kids, etc" I am in college getting my bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice. The way I see it, there is plenty of time to have a baby and spend as much time as needed with them before I join the workforce. People don't understand that. Instead, they are quick to judge MY decisions. My mom was young when she had my brothers and myself. She was 21 when my oldest brother was born, 26 when my other brother was born and 27 when she had me. All my closest friends and relatives have children who are at least a year old. These are NOT excuses as to why I want a baby. I want a baby because I love babies. I love children in general. I don't know what I would do without my nieces and nephews. I think I would be a great mother. I am always asking to keep my nieces and nephews for a sleep-over because I just love spending time with them. Taking them shopping is also a joy for me. Then there are those stares of people who look at my nephew in the grocery cart and smile at me thinking he's mine. Then I'm sent back into reality of knowing I have no children of my own and at the end of the day I have to give my nephew back to his parents. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I just don't know what to do. I don't care what other peoples opinions are on why I shouldn't have a child now, or how THEY think I am too young. Age is only a number. I'm not a teenager, I am an adult. One who should be treated as such. I wish I knew of something to help me get over the feeling of thinking my husband will change his mind once again when 6 months comes or a year. 

ok so to update from last month... 2nd cycle after the mc i got my BFP yesterday. Hoping for a stickyy one :)

I know exactly how you feel. It is agonising and I hate the feeling of resent but you can't stop it. My husband is exactly the same, it's like he has to have the last say in anything and if it's not right for him it's not right for anyone. We've been together 4 years now and he wants to wait a year or two. I really am at wits end, because like so many other ladies on here, I want to have a baby so badly it just upsets me everytime a new excess comes up. Our husbands say they love us yet they are stopping the one true thing that is going to make us happier than anything. We shouldn't have to explain why we want to have a baby now, or try and beg them,. it's just not fair and it's like he holds it over my head because he's knows I can't do anything about it. I'm really starting to resent my husband and dont know what to do. Also if he did miraculously change his mind and we did have a baby, I could probably bet that if anything went wrong he would blame me for wanting and having the baby!! Sometimes I wonder why we ever get married?

Hello everyone, my name is Sam. I will be 25 shortly and I really want to have a baby. My fiancee' just turned 35 (much older than me, I know). We have been together since I was 18, but we met online. I moved all the way across the country for him, twice (we had a disagreement once with our two bad non-paying roommates and we decided to take a break for awhile). I have been back with him almost 6 months and the bad roommates are gone, thank goodness. So my fiancee' has a religious background and believes in marriage first before children, which I can agree with him about. It just makes sense for us. He still wants to wait until we are more financially stable to get married- at least another year or two. (His mother is insisting sooner- I learned it was because she guessed we are sleeping together and she'd be right about that.) If I wait another year or two for marriage, and another year or two for him to be ready, plus 9 months for each child I will be in my mid to late 30's if I want to take a short breather in between each child (I would like 2-4 children). That would put him nearing the age of 50. It just isn't fair to me or the children. Plus, it is like I can feel my biological clock ticking because menopause comes early in my family- my mom and my aunts had early menopause.

 

I see what everyone is saying here about babies all around. It isn't like peer pressure or popularity, its just that my little sister has two beautiful little girls that are already talking. The oldest who just turned 3 can count in two languages. I am so proud of both of them. I am getting my BA in Education Studies right now because I love children and teaching them. I might want to homeschool because of the bad school systems and all the budget cuts, but the biggest reason is so that I can be there for them and take them on field trips to learn new things. Now, I just keep thinking of how I taught my 2 year old niece (she was 2 when i was visiting 6 months ago) to put together a 26 piece puzzle and after awhile she could do it all by herself. The youngest couldn't feed herself, but I kept putting the food in her hand and putting her hand to her mouth. She figured it out in two days (my sister isn't the most responsible, so I didn't mind helping out and teaching them.)

 

The trouble now is that I don't have my nieces here with me and singing "Old MacDonald" on the phone makes me want to cry. I am ready to be a wife and a mother. I want to have children so that my nieces have cousins they can visit with and play with. It is already too bad that my fiancee's sister has a daughter that is thirteen now, and is no where near the age group that my children will be in. My fiancee's brother doesn't have children, but his new girlfriend has a toddler. There has already been talk that they might be getting married, and it's like his side of the family has already given up on me and moved on to the "new girlfriend". It secretely does make me a little jealous that she will get their family name before I do, and that my fiancee's mom is like "I had lunch with her the other day" and "Oops, I forgot to give her cake pan back to her." But that isn't the worst part. Last Thanksgiving my fiancee's sister talked about me behind my back for not eating her deviled eggs. I ate half but couldn't get over the horseradish in it because it's one food I gag when eating. (I had an abusive step father when i was younger and he made me eat it as a form of torture. He also broke my favorite porcellain doll on purpose to punish me for accidentally breaking something of his because I was clumsy.) ...So, then when Christmas came shortly after, my fiancee's sister went up to the "new girlfriend" of their brother, she was all, "Yay, my new sister." I wanted to scream right then and there. I ended up hiding around the back of the house crying and missing my own family at Christmastime.

 

So right now I am torn as to what to do. I have these future inlaw siblings that were really nice before, his mom is still a nice lady though, but now they treat me like yesterday's news. My sister, my cousins, and my high school friends are all posting their first and second children up on their profile pages on FB or where ever. I have a fiancee but no wedding in sight, no children despite a couple pregnancy scares, and I have some things my sister gave me from her two little girls. She gave them to me so that I would be ready in case I ever did get pregnant. I've got a jumbo bag of cute clothes, a diaper cover, some unisex bath toys, some shoes, and a unisex blanket I made just for fun with little jungle baby animals on it. Girls run in my family, but if I ever have I boy I definitely will need some new clothes. But I just look at these things, still practically brand new because babies grow out of them so fast. I still have this doll cradle that my great-grandfather made for me when I was a little girl. I still have my stuffed panda collection and a few other things I have saved just for them. It hurts you know, just knowing that it is time and there isn't anything I can do.

 

I've had some crazy babysitting adventures in my teen years. My cousin flushed a diaper and made the worst smelling, soaking wet mess ever. I've had to watch several cousins at one time and their mom let them invite their friends over, so I ended up with about five screaming rugrats at once. Once I had to watch the kids for two days and two nights on the weekend without help- I got to feel like a parent just once. Heck, I even got my first kiss while babysitting. *blush* Somehow, children have always made my life better and more exciting no matter how many messes they'd make for me to quickly clean before their mom got home. I am smarter and better because of it. So, to finally finish what I wanted to say, I know I want kids while my fiancee' would rather wait until it suits him. I don't want to be angry at him for it, but I really wish he would see that I am mature for my age and that I've had years of experience taking care of little ones. I am a licensed child care provider, I am taking college courses for teaching, and my love for children should be something that he can see. I think that he is the one that is scared to death of taking our relationship further, but I hope for the sake of our future he can see all the good that would come of it.      

Hello, my husband and I had a first anniversary on June 11. I'm turning 29 this year and hes turning 31. We have been together for five years and I have been taking about babies for a wile, and every time I bring it up things get tense.  I demanded that we set a side a time to really talk about everything, like when we would start trying and our hops/fears. Last year our friends had a baby on my birthday and He said he want to have a baby born on his birthday so I thought we decided we would start trying in December. Now when I bring it up an argument ensues about how he only said then because it seemed far way. Now I'm worried he wont let us start trying in December. If we do start then and we're lucky we would have a baby in 15 months that seem like for ever away and the odd says people try for a year before getting pregnant  and then we wouldn't have a baby for 27 months. Two years seems so far away. 

I'm currently not married but have been dating my fiance for two years, just recently found out I had a teratoma on my ovary and just had surgery to remove some of it nd some fribroid.cyst. well my doctor put me on a birth control for 5 months to shrink it and he said its best I start trying for a baby after it shrinks. But my fiance is still on the fence about not.wanting kids yet...I'm so lost and confused but when I read your post I knew I was not the only one

Hi. I'm 22 years old (23 in August) and my husband is 24. We have been together over 6 years now and married for almost 2. We both want kids, but he "isn't ready" yet. If it were totally up to him, we would probably end up waiting another 6 years or so to have one. The only thing I've ever really felt called to do in my life is to be a wife and a mother. I finished both my bachelors degree and masters degree really quick and I've been working at current job for 2 years now. My husband, on the other hand, just finished school and just started working as a chemical engineer. We both have great jobs. I've had baby fever for about a year or a little over now. Before, DH wanted to wait until he was done with school. Now he wants to enjoy being out of school. He doesn't understand how hard it is for me to wait. I've already been out for 2 years. I am ready for this next stage in my life. If everyone waited until timing was perfect to have kids, no one would ever have them. There's always going to be one more thing to do, one more trip to take, one more $1 to save. There is never going to be a "perfect" time to have kids. On another note, I think my husband thinks we will start trying and instantly there will be a baby. I've discussed with him that people do have problems conceiving, then you have to wait another 9 months to actually have the baby. He has even said "as soon as we try, we're going to get pregnant." He's said this in a very matter-of-fact way, as if he knows. He doesn't KNOW that. Besides, he was on Accutane for a time when we were teenagers, which can make you infertile. So, if anything, our chances of conceiving quickly and naturally are lower than average. I've seen several people post about resentment. My biggest fear is that I will wait on him another year, then when we finally start trying (assuming he is "ready" a year from now) that it will take us a long time to get pregnant and I start resenting him. I know myself, and I know how upset and angry I will be if I wait on him to be "ready" for another year and then we have problems getting pregnant. I respect my husband, and I don't want to have a baby if he isn't ready. I want us to both be so excited and so happy when that stick comes back positve. I just wish there was a way to meet in the middle. I wish there was a way to just make him feel the way I do, even if it's just for a little while, so that he would know and understand how I feel. So he would see the joys of parenthood like I do, instead of just seeing the pains of it. Aaaahhh. I know this is a really long post. I'm mostly just ranting. I'm so glad there are other women out there who feel the same way I do. Good luck to all of you!

The real truth of the matter is that most men DO NOT want to have kids. They only do it to appease their wives. So ladies, this is the REAL truth, believe me. The biggest excuse is " let's wait a few years". The secret hope is that you will not be able to conceive if the wait is long enough. Pooh pooh this all you want, but this is the truth.