Hi there, I am SO glad I found this site as I've felt I've had no one to talk to about my recent experience following a surgical abortion. (Those of you who are pro-life, don't bother to comment, you have no right to judge)
I decided to have a surgical abortion 6 weeks ago (At the time of the procedure I was 6wks4d) I had found out at 4 weeks but kept putting off my consultation at the abortion clinic because I was sure I wanted to continue the pregnancy. Eventually, after a long and hard two weeks feeling up and down (one minute I would be totally fine with my decision, the next I desperately wanted to keep it) my partner took me down to the clinic. I opted for the surgical abortion under general anaesthetic as I didn't want to feel/hear anything. I cried right up until I was knocked out but felt better once I came round and both my partner and I knew we had made the right decision (we had only been together a few months and both were not financially ready to start a family) and vowed to have a family when we were good and ready and able to provide our child/children with the very best. I didn't feel that we were mentally equipped to deal with a pregnancy either....at 25 I still felt incredibly immature. I should add at this point I was on birth control but had been unwell and put on a series of low-dose antibiotics which may have affected my BC (despite my GP telling me that it would not affect it...anyway, irrelevant now!)
The first 24 hours following the procedure I felt fine, very little bleeding or cramping, just tired. The next day however I was a mess; I cried to the point of becoming hysterical, I didn't want my boyfriend to leave my side and I felt as though I physically ached for my 'baby' back. I was completely beside myself and felt as though I was going crazy. I kept having nightmares where I would be at the abortion clinic and trying to run and hide from the doctors and wake up feeling triumphant if I'd managed to escape from them. Other times I dreamt that I'd had the guts to tell the doctor to stop before the IV was put in. The worst part of all was the positive HPT's I kept getting up to 3 weeks after the abortion (the clinic I went to, in the UK, did not tell me about the HcG levels remaining in your system!!) and for a few days I hoped and prayed that the abortion hadn't worked but by 4 weeks the two HPT tests I did showed negative. It was heartbreaking to see negative at first but also like a relief that it was all 'over' - all the emotional stress and physical changes were coming to an end, if that makes sense?
With the support of my boyfriend and some really supportive/understanding friends those feeling started subside after a couple of weeks and although I sometimes feel emotional and sad, I am becoming more and more at ease with my decision.
Now and again I panic that it has somehow affected my fertility or I feel very broody (it doesn't help that there seems to be a baby boom amongst my friends at the moment too!) and feel guilty that at 25 years old I should have been in a stable enough position to have had the baby. I always thought that no matter what age I got pregnant that I would, no matter the circumstances, keep it, so it has been hard coping with the sense of regret, guilt and loss.
My main issue now however is more physical than emotional but it is effecting my emotions somewhat - it's now 6 weeks, nearly 7, since my procedure an I still haven't had a period. Most of my pregnancy hormones have gone although I get motion sickness from cars and trains (something I never experienced before I was pregnant - infact, that's what urged me to do a pregnancy test in the first place after being violently sick on a flight!) my boobs are still a little tender and I feel very bloated. The last pregnancy test I did was about 10 days ago, it was negative. Should I test again in a week if there's still no sign of my period? I am disappointed with the after care from the clinic I went to because they did not schedule a follow up appointment and most of the information I've gathered has been online. I have read that it can take anything up to 10 weeks for your cycle to regulate itself, does anyone know if it's true? Is it worth going to the Dr's to double check the procedure went OK? The chances of me being pregnant again are extremely slim, extremely (without going into too much detail!) but I am not on BC as I wanted my body to 'regulate' itself again first. I have been reading about failed surgical abortions (and almost convincing myself that I'm now actually 12 weeks because I'm putting on weight too) which is quite scary but surely then the HPT tests would be showing positive, not negative. Can I ask my Dr for an ultrasound to check everything is normal??
I just want my period to come so I can put this all behind me and focus on other things such as my career and my relationship so that one day, in a year or so from now, my partner and I will be better equipped and ready to start a family in much better circumstances.
Sorry this post is so long, I just need a bit of reassurance and would love to hear from other's who've been in a similar situation.
x
Hi Jo-bee. I am/went through something very similiar too you & i felt the need to reach out to you and tell you everything gets better. Just this past march 28th 2012 i had an abortion at the age of 20. I found out I was pregnant at about 4 weeks as well. I very much wanted to keep my baby. From the minute i had the positive test i felt all different ways.... Scared, nervous, joyful but an immediate love for my baby. My bf wanted an abortion, not bc he doesnt love me or want a future with me but because we have only been tg at the time for 4 months, we had vacations coming up, many plans coming up, and still struggling with bills living at home with our parents. After two weeks of me waking up and crying daily with the thought of even having an abortion (which i told myself id never do) my boyfriend finally said "lets sit down, figure out money and discuss this" after hours of money bills and work talk...we decided we can keep the baby and tell our parents.So.....we told our familes and now began really getting excited....keeping a daily "pregnancy days" and watching the growth of were our baby was...... About 2 weeks later and 1 week to our first ob/gyn appt.... i woke up confussed....emotional and very doubtful..... i was questioning if i really wanted this now, if i wanted to put a new life ahead of mine, if i wanted to risk mine and mt fairly new bfs relationship with money problems and focusing on a little one instead of us having the time to really get to know eachother since its only been 4 months.... well i told myself "i will call the abortion clinic i first made and cancelled an appt too....and if they have an opening tm..maybe it is meant to be ....(since they seemed to book up quick)" so i called and they had ONE appt left for the day......i took it. me and my boyfriend went ...and had the abortion done. i was 7 weeks and 2 days The first 24hrs i felt like a new women... i wasnt sick...i felt relieved and happy.... the next day i felt good as well....until about day 3 or 4 ..... cramps hit me....so painful id fall to the floor.... every night i slept in pain and agonoy with a heating pad on my belly...and an ibuprofen 800mg util it would ware off in the middle of the night and id wake crying...my bf always being by my side & supportive. i did not get my period back until the end of june...which was very hard for me bc i being the same kept taking prego tests wondering and kind of hoping i was prego.... i finally had enough and just wanted my period back so this memory would go away!!!!! i wanted to know i was ok. (even tho i had gone to my gyno who gave me a f/up appt and ultrasound and said everything went fine.) I am scared about fertility issues as well in the future. my gyno reassured me the procedure went fine and everything looked good. she gave me a prescription to bring on my pd since i couldnt take the thought of waking up anymore wondering if id finally get my pd and i can move on. so i took the pills and about 7 days my pd began the end of june. for the next two months i thought of my abortion everyday....i kept track of how many weeks id be so-on..... til this day i wonder "how big id be" "how would i feel" "would i be having a boy or a girl" and i feel like id be happier today if i kept the baby, then how i feel now after an abortion. I cried daily....and it even took a big big toll on mine and my bfs relationship. I felt hate and anger torwards him for not stopping me......(but he was only supporting anything i wanted). I fought with him daily, cried like a baby over everything bc of all these emotions of regret ive been feeling. i just wanted my babby back. My bf assures me everyday "when the time is right i will give u two babies" but i keep saying that will not fill the emptiness now!!! Now i am on the verge of losing my boyfriend bc he just couldnt deal anymore..but i realized men do not feel the attatchement we do until they hear the babies heartbeat, see the baby, or find out the sex of the baby. I do not want to lose my boyfriend bc he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yes he is a big memory of my biggest regret but he tries his best. Even tho every single day i think about my baby (especially since my due date is november 6th 2012...coming very soon) i try to stay positive.... i have a boyfriend who loves me and will give me children when we are in a better postition. Becoming pregnant has changed my life. Iam now working to pay off all my school loans and bills and put money away so we can start this life soon.. me and my boyfriend have become stronger bc of what we went through tg. the emotions of it all are so strong. I ask God everyday to give me the strenth to make it through my day happy and not come home and take this out on my wonderful bf. being about 7 months since my abortion i am gtetting there. the days get fairley easier.... i have my very good days, my ok days and my horrible days. its ok to grieve and cry here and there..... its natual. women where born to be nurturers and mothers. just dont hold it in bc it makes it harder on you. Me and my boyfriend decided to try for a baby this month when i was fertile and ovulated (which was actually this week) we are only going to try this once and see if maybe it is meant to be. He is doing that for me since i so badly am wanting a baby right now and am beating myself up for what i did. So, if this week doesnt get me pregnant i will accept that we will wait.... i have looked into counciling to help me realize that what i did is OK. I obviously was not emotionally and physically ready for a baby at the time... but like i said becoming prego has helped me mature and look at life different along with my 24 yr old bfs outlook on life. In that 7 months i payed off 3,000 dollars of my student loan (leaving me left with 1,000 to pay) my 500 dollar credit card bill put money away and bought a new 2010 jeep... my boyfriend has also payed mostly all his debt offf and we are that closer to being able to be comfortable if we got pregnant again, as we are also looking for an apartment. This life changing experience will help you and you will realize it all. Now you see you are a 25yr old women and life is really hitting you know. Reality hit you...! it is not a bad experience... it may be hard but think positive girl!!! this will hopefully change u for the better and bring you and your boyfriend much closer and stronger!!!! it is a tough battle to get through but dont give up! and dont lose hope....trust me.... it was and is the hardest decision i ever had to make....... and i hated my bf for it.....but i was wrong for that...we are now better and more mature than ever and now know what we want and what we have to do to get there. your not alone! and u are not a bad person for what you did!! and i totally feel for you 100%. i felt your pain, your joy, your confussion, your sadness and your regret :/ it sucks and is def the most horrible feeling but it is not the end..only the beggining.....and when you now feel you are ready, you will be ready!!! good luck on your journey/battle/new beggining. ive fought it and still am....it gets better with time. this too shall pass <3
Hi hun,
Oh soooo much similiar situation to mine. and all the same symptoms both physically and emotionally. You poor thing. I am feeling for you. However, unlike your young self I am 35. yes, 35 and I still have the same emotional feelings of not being ready as like you my partner and I are only new and our financial and career situations did not whatsoever match to us being ready and viable parents at this stage. You have plenty and plenty of time and who knows where you will be in a years time. As for you physical, yes it can take up to 12 weeks I have read but i would def be going to a GP with your questions of why no period. my clinic here in oz did not give me even in procedure care let alone after procedure care. it was the most horrible experience i have ever been through and never will i do it again. my partner has been so super supportive but i went through exactly the same response the next day. crying hysterically....especially at my age and with no family or friend support for my decision. i keep thinking....what have i done??? but i couldn't do it. i was having major preg symptoms and vomitting and cramps even at 6 wks and 5 days. i could barely walk with my fluid retention and i am still feeling the fluid retention and bloating. i am just waiting to see (procedure only 2 wks ago) how long my period will take. ? :/
Hi ladies, thank you so much for replying to this post, I wrote it when I was going through a really, really difficult time in my life and I felt I had no one to talk to or that no one really understood what I was going through. It has now been nearly 5 months since I had the procedure and some days I am really glad I did it and others I regret it. I think about it at least once a day and in my mind I still try to figure out how many weeks along I would be. It didn't help that my periods didn't return for 3 months, my doctor said that this was normal but he has since sent me for tests as I am feeling faint, sick and putting on a lot of weight. I have an ultrasound booked for the end of Jan but it's more likely to be ovarian cysts (don't know much about them?!) which can cause a lot of pregnancy symptoms so it's been even harder to try and 'forget' my procedure and move on and to be honest there's a part of me that wanted to believe I was STILL pregnant. If I'm totally honest there is still even a small bit of me that hopes the abortion failed and that by some miracle I am now 6-7 months pregnant and it will show up on the scan but I know that's impossible. I was told there could be a possibility that there's still some 'products of conception' left in my uterus from the abortion that could be causing a lot of my symptoms but I don't like to think of that because it would mean going through the procedure all over again. Apparently having a surgical termination at under 7 weeks there is a greater risk that things are missed, which scared me a bit but there isn't much urgency in their tests so if the doctors aren't too worried, I will try not to be. My boyfriend left me and although he added to the heartbreak of it all I am slowly starting to see that him leaving is a good thing - he was not grown up enough to have a relationship, yet alone a baby so there is some comfort there knowing that ultimately I would not have been happy if we had a baby and I know he would have resented me 'trapping' him. Going through all this has ruined what should have been a great year but I am not going to let it get me down, it's made me realise what I do what in life and that is a family ....BUT....only when I meet the right person that might take years and there's still some things I want to achieve and do on my own first but I'm not afraid to admit that having a family is my main ambition - I just won't let it rule my life like this decision has done over the past year. The only thing I can tell you Gyppie is that it DOES GET BETTER, you will feel awful for the first few weeks - confusion, a lot of anger (I was angry at myself for not being able to cope with a baby, angry that I hadn't done enough research, angry with my friends and family who advised me to go through with it and angry with the surgeons, the practice I visited, my boyfriend, everyone) and sadness even though you know deep down it was the right thing to do (hormones eh, lucky us!!). The first fortnight after my abortion I was on the internet searching for 'failed abortion' percentages and clutching at straws and became a bit obsessed by it all in the weeks following tion - it was all I thought about. They say that time is a great healer and in this case I definitely agree. I don't think I'll ever properly accept what happened and there will always be some confusion and regret over it but I am not letting it rule my life anymore and focusing on the more positive things. I know it can be hard when a lot of the symptoms are still there and it's in the back of your mind when your period will next start; you just want your body back to normal as soon as possible so you can stop feeling the way you do, as if it all never happened!!! It is disappointing the aftercare the clincs give you though and my own GP wasn't very helpful when explained to him some of my concerns, at first he thought I was just depressed having not dealt with the abortion properly but after I pestered him he has sent me for tests and explained about the possibility of ovarian cysts/products of conception left over so I know I'm not going crazy! I would love to hear how you are both getting on, I can't tell you what a comfort it is knowing someone out there feels and is going through or gone through the same thing and emotions. It is a hard one to explain and put into words sometimes.