hello. especially to the lady who is currently in that condition.... Bless you, I truly understand. My son is 16 now, I had my tubes removed when he was 5 having discovered that the sterilisation op (clips) from 12 mnths previous had failed... There is only one way to find out that your sterilisation has failed!!!
There are about 18mnths/2yrs of my life that i dont remember too clearly, I have very effectively blocked them from my mind. I did not have a fear of labour (they give you drugs for that bit lol) but the whole thing abojut having an alien thing controlling MY body, ihave never completely resolved. I still have to talk myself through trapped wind and stuff.
When i did eventually persuade the medics that i was more than "a bit worried" i had a very good team of people to support me through the gestation period, i even struggle with the word and i definitely cannot use that word and myself in the same sentence. I was induced approx 6 weeks early before i committed ABH or GBH on one of the consultants, or caused serious harm to myself.
Fortunately for me, as it was early it had to go into special care unit whhich gave me a brief period to disassociate it from the gestation and deal with the responsibility of looking after it.
The 18 mnth/2yr time period is about where i stop referring to it as IT and can call him my son. And as long as i can maintain that, my relationship with him is ok, I still struggle with his birthday, as it is a day that i cannot avoid remembering that period of my life.
I have to admit to feeling guilty about the impact my phobia has had on my relationship with him and on his life in general ( i wont go swimming as i dread the thought of meeting a woman in that condition either in the communal changing area or worse still in the pool itself) I also dread the day he gets big enough and brave enough to question me about my phobia because he really is NOTHING to do with that horrible time.
16 yrs ago, i was pencilled in for the local psychiatric hospital and had a psychologis, psychiatrist and community psychiatric nurse to monitor my stability at that time, and to provide liaison and support with the whole obs and gynae side of my world. There were quite a few members of the obs and gynae drs and nurses that i met that could not and would not give me any understanding as to my mental health at that time.
Equally there were some brilliant people too....The GP who said "aah Midwich Cuckoo Syndrome" was wonderful and he made certain that the mental health care team were on my doorstep inside 36 hours of him realising that i was more than a little neurotic....
I had to endure exposure therapy, which is truly awful, and my appts with radiographers and ante natal stuff were all made part of that line of therapy. Exposure therapy is all about keeping you anxious for as long as possible so that the body eventually realilses that the object of your fear is not going to kill you, and the fight/flight response subsides....None of them could or can keep me anxious for longer than 8 mnths, so they kind of gave up on that line of thinking... I do remember one day going into my psychologist to do some more exposure with all the literature collected from ante natal clinics, except i had burnt it all the night before.
I kept all mirrors covered, did every abdominal exercise known to man and existed in a state of pure denial as much as i could. When i became truly unstable they had a decision to make, put me in a secure mental ward or the maternity hospital. As, for me, a good day was no movement, they elected to put me in the maternity hospital so that they could monitor IT's well-being, also exposing me 24/7 to several women in that condition which left me with a fear of other women in that state , not just myself....
Post gestation, i continued with the mental health team for about 18 mnths, more exposure again due to the fact that i would then throw up on sight of a woman in that condition and retire to a darkened room for a couple of days... I had a choice to make, become completelty agoraphobic- never watch tv/films andnever read a newspaper or womens magazine, cos they do insist on using pictures of women in that state in a state of undress....yeeeeurrchh so my life still today is a permanent case of exposure therapy, i know i have to make myself go out and deal with the world.
When he was 4, i was sterilised (1/1000 chance of op failing, and if it does it will be in first 12 mnths, they said) my mental health improved as each month passed until montil 12 came along and my period didnt. Then i went through a very rapid regression and had to begin again. I had a termination at the same time as my tubes being removed, which coincidentally was my sons 5th birthday. They offered to put the op back because of this, and there was no way they would make me go one day longer than i had to, i figutred it was alien excavation day anyway, so it made sense.Back to the psychiatrist and co i went.
They have labelled me as being symptomatic of OCD, PTSD with free floating anxiety and depression (triggered by turning a corner and walking into a woman that looks like MR Greedy, and does not know how to wear a suitable marquee, I HATE SUMMER!! they are ALL out there in horrible tight clothes or crop tops and triggered by guilt) oh yeah and psychotic tendencies meaning that i do not agree with the conventional worlds opinion on pregnancy being a "wonderful and beautiful miracle" I no longer throw up on sight of women who look like that, and can stay in the same building as one.
Every where i have worked has had to be understanding of the fact that my brain freezes if i have to come face to face with women like that, but again, i am getting better each and every day. Today i served 2 women like that, tensely, with a dry throat, sweaty palms, a racing heart and an overwhelnming urge to run away or tell them to go away, b ut i did it, i am still ok... The 3rd one i did run away from, my colleague had to serve them, we have a code word "tarantulas" cos he is scared of spiders and can relate to me on that one. But I am getting better, 5 years ago, i had to be sent home from work because one girl had come into the shop, i did not even have to serve her, but i could not stay in the same building because i knew they were out there, somewhere.
My biggest problem is explaining it to people, they all think that you are some kind of freak because women are "SUPPOSED" to llike and even desire that condition... and because i hava a son. They say "but YOU were!?" and i say "NOIt is easier to explain it to someone with a phobia of anything, i just tell them to imagine the object of their fear has been sewn into their jacket and they cannot take it off for a year... they normally get half way to where i am at with that explanation...use it, it does help.
The point of this long and potentially depressing tale is that I AM OK, I survived, My son is 16, alive, well and i dont think too scarred by my "little"problem. It is possible to get through it, with exceptional support, although my shrinks said that it would not be a good idea to go there again as they did not think they would get ME back, would prob still be resident in the psychiatric ward.
To all of you out there, I for one am glad that i am not alone with this one, and wish all of you luck with your lives...
To those of you that want kids but cant face it, there are hundreds of kids that need adoption, to the others who think they want to brave it my advice is to get good support from EVERYBODY you can, and brace yourself for some total lack of understanding.
Love Luck and Best wished to you all
K x
There are about 18mnths/2yrs of my life that i dont remember too clearly, I have very effectively blocked them from my mind. I did not have a fear of labour (they give you drugs for that bit lol) but the whole thing abojut having an alien thing controlling MY body, ihave never completely resolved. I still have to talk myself through trapped wind and stuff.
When i did eventually persuade the medics that i was more than "a bit worried" i had a very good team of people to support me through the gestation period, i even struggle with the word and i definitely cannot use that word and myself in the same sentence. I was induced approx 6 weeks early before i committed ABH or GBH on one of the consultants, or caused serious harm to myself.
Fortunately for me, as it was early it had to go into special care unit whhich gave me a brief period to disassociate it from the gestation and deal with the responsibility of looking after it.
The 18 mnth/2yr time period is about where i stop referring to it as IT and can call him my son. And as long as i can maintain that, my relationship with him is ok, I still struggle with his birthday, as it is a day that i cannot avoid remembering that period of my life.
I have to admit to feeling guilty about the impact my phobia has had on my relationship with him and on his life in general ( i wont go swimming as i dread the thought of meeting a woman in that condition either in the communal changing area or worse still in the pool itself) I also dread the day he gets big enough and brave enough to question me about my phobia because he really is NOTHING to do with that horrible time.
16 yrs ago, i was pencilled in for the local psychiatric hospital and had a psychologis, psychiatrist and community psychiatric nurse to monitor my stability at that time, and to provide liaison and support with the whole obs and gynae side of my world. There were quite a few members of the obs and gynae drs and nurses that i met that could not and would not give me any understanding as to my mental health at that time.
Equally there were some brilliant people too....The GP who said "aah Midwich Cuckoo Syndrome" was wonderful and he made certain that the mental health care team were on my doorstep inside 36 hours of him realising that i was more than a little neurotic....
I had to endure exposure therapy, which is truly awful, and my appts with radiographers and ante natal stuff were all made part of that line of therapy. Exposure therapy is all about keeping you anxious for as long as possible so that the body eventually realilses that the object of your fear is not going to kill you, and the fight/flight response subsides....None of them could or can keep me anxious for longer than 8 mnths, so they kind of gave up on that line of thinking... I do remember one day going into my psychologist to do some more exposure with all the literature collected from ante natal clinics, except i had burnt it all the night before.
I kept all mirrors covered, did every abdominal exercise known to man and existed in a state of pure denial as much as i could. When i became truly unstable they had a decision to make, put me in a secure mental ward or the maternity hospital. As, for me, a good day was no movement, they elected to put me in the maternity hospital so that they could monitor IT's well-being, also exposing me 24/7 to several women in that condition which left me with a fear of other women in that state , not just myself....
Post gestation, i continued with the mental health team for about 18 mnths, more exposure again due to the fact that i would then throw up on sight of a woman in that condition and retire to a darkened room for a couple of days... I had a choice to make, become completelty agoraphobic- never watch tv/films andnever read a newspaper or womens magazine, cos they do insist on using pictures of women in that state in a state of undress....yeeeeurrchh so my life still today is a permanent case of exposure therapy, i know i have to make myself go out and deal with the world.
When he was 4, i was sterilised (1/1000 chance of op failing, and if it does it will be in first 12 mnths, they said) my mental health improved as each month passed until montil 12 came along and my period didnt. Then i went through a very rapid regression and had to begin again. I had a termination at the same time as my tubes being removed, which coincidentally was my sons 5th birthday. They offered to put the op back because of this, and there was no way they would make me go one day longer than i had to, i figutred it was alien excavation day anyway, so it made sense.Back to the psychiatrist and co i went.
They have labelled me as being symptomatic of OCD, PTSD with free floating anxiety and depression (triggered by turning a corner and walking into a woman that looks like MR Greedy, and does not know how to wear a suitable marquee, I HATE SUMMER!! they are ALL out there in horrible tight clothes or crop tops and triggered by guilt) oh yeah and psychotic tendencies meaning that i do not agree with the conventional worlds opinion on pregnancy being a "wonderful and beautiful miracle" I no longer throw up on sight of women who look like that, and can stay in the same building as one.
Every where i have worked has had to be understanding of the fact that my brain freezes if i have to come face to face with women like that, but again, i am getting better each and every day. Today i served 2 women like that, tensely, with a dry throat, sweaty palms, a racing heart and an overwhelnming urge to run away or tell them to go away, b ut i did it, i am still ok... The 3rd one i did run away from, my colleague had to serve them, we have a code word "tarantulas" cos he is scared of spiders and can relate to me on that one. But I am getting better, 5 years ago, i had to be sent home from work because one girl had come into the shop, i did not even have to serve her, but i could not stay in the same building because i knew they were out there, somewhere.
My biggest problem is explaining it to people, they all think that you are some kind of freak because women are "SUPPOSED" to llike and even desire that condition... and because i hava a son. They say "but YOU were!?" and i say "NOIt is easier to explain it to someone with a phobia of anything, i just tell them to imagine the object of their fear has been sewn into their jacket and they cannot take it off for a year... they normally get half way to where i am at with that explanation...use it, it does help.
The point of this long and potentially depressing tale is that I AM OK, I survived, My son is 16, alive, well and i dont think too scarred by my "little"problem. It is possible to get through it, with exceptional support, although my shrinks said that it would not be a good idea to go there again as they did not think they would get ME back, would prob still be resident in the psychiatric ward.
To all of you out there, I for one am glad that i am not alone with this one, and wish all of you luck with your lives...
To those of you that want kids but cant face it, there are hundreds of kids that need adoption, to the others who think they want to brave it my advice is to get good support from EVERYBODY you can, and brace yourself for some total lack of understanding.
Love Luck and Best wished to you all
K x
I can sympathize with all of you on this board! I have never had sex with my boyfriend and intend to keep it that way because I am so terrified of getting pregnant. We do engage in manual sex (fingering), but after this month that has to stop too. I am now four days late on my period and after taking two pregnancy tests that both came back negative, I STILL am afraid I'm pregnant because my period has not come yet. It consumed my entire day, all the thoughts and worries and stress. I make myself sick to my stomach with stress and then blame the feelings on pregnancy. I've thought I was urinating more frequently than I ought to, that my upset stomach was somehow related to a baby being in there, that my mildly sore breasts were a symptom of early pregnancy, and the list goes on an on. What is worse is that there is NO evidence, and my boyfriend backs this up, that any of his semen got anywhere near me. Not even close, but I still think that I am going to have a baby that I don't know about. It is completely worrisome and I do this most every month whether we have had manual sex or not! We could probably have oral sex or my boyfriend could not touch me for the entire month and I would still, in the back of my mind, think about having a baby. It's insane! Does anyone have any advice for me? Do you think there is a risk? How can I cope with this?
The person, who said that her sterilization failed, scared me. I had my tubes tied when I was 23 (I am now 41). So far it has worked. If it fails, I will have an abortion and will not think for a second. I not only have an extreme fear of pregnancy and labor (especially of when they cut your vagina open with a knife! Whatever that is called), but I also have a strong repulsion to all this. Luckily, I have no desire to have children. How do I deal with relationships? I only date child-free by choice men, or men who already had children with someone else. This is the first question I ask when I meet someone new: do you want children? Another question to ask is: are you pro-choice or pro-life. I will not have sex with someone who is pro-life because what if birth control fails? He might try to force me to go thru the pregnancy and labor! I can’t have that!!!!!
I experience the same fears almost every month. I use condoms almost all the time (unless something unexpected happens) and yet I still take plan B almost once a month because I psych myself into thinking something went wrong where I would need it. My job is extremely stressful and I often work myself up so much that I will be 3-4 days late in my cycle, or miss it completely because of the amount of anxiety I feel. My OBGYN always tells me that worrying makes it worse, but unlike a lot of you posting on here, I do NOT want children. I never have, and I never will - I don't have the patience and I am way too selfish, as terrible as it sounds, to think of someone other than my significant other, over myself.
My girlfriends, who are all either married or in serious relationships, continue to tell me my perspective will change overtime...but I am almost 29 and know what I want. And a baby is not it. So my fear is pretty much ruining my body (from all the plan B and stress), not to mention adding to my stress at work and every month when I freak myself out into being late.
Help?
My girlfriends, who are all either married or in serious relationships, continue to tell me my perspective will change overtime...but I am almost 29 and know what I want. And a baby is not it. So my fear is pretty much ruining my body (from all the plan B and stress), not to mention adding to my stress at work and every month when I freak myself out into being late.
Help?
I also have this problem, but I do not seek to fix it. But I dont think I am pregnant, I just dont like to be around pregnant people.
It is like you read my mind!!! I am so scared of having a child growing in me - I feel like it's a bad science fiction/alien movie or something. Just looking at pregnant women's stomachs makes me want to throw up. I really try to understand why it's cute or desirable to have a pregnant belly and I just think it's disgusting. I am terrified of the pain/needles/tearing, etc., too. My boyfriend really wants us to have our own children, and does not want to budge on that. I keep hoping that someday my opinion on it will change. Everyone says it will... but I doubt it because just the thought of pregnancy makes me sick.
While I also fear pregnancy, I don't fear it to the extent some of you do. So here's my point of view:
I feel that pregnant women are braver than I could be. However, at the same time, I feel SO relieved I am not pregnant when I see a pregnant woman, and sometimes I feel very sad for them, knowing they'll have no me time for another 18-25 years. While I do think of the fetus as parasitic, eventually it turns into a child, a little human...we were all babies once. That part doesn't freak me out too badly. It's not like anyone remembers being in the womb, so I suppose I can see why some of you feel as if it were an alien. I think hormones will eventually kick in, encouraging you to love what's growing inside you. HA that DOES sound crazy, but that's what the hormones are for, to bond you to it... Yeah, it does ruin your body though.
I think the baby bump is cute...until it gets huge at 7 or 8 months...but that's just me.
I also loathe the idea of having to drop my life to raise a child. I feel that the world is already overpopulated (nearly 7 billion now) and it is socially irresponsible to have more than 3 children nowadays. Absolutely irresponsible (and selfish) to add to our population problem.
I would rather adopt a child who needs parents than have one of my "own"...after all, children you bear only look somewhat like you and their father. Anything else has no guarantees.
As for those of you who said "how could I do this for 9 months?!"...if you really want a child, you WILL do it. You WILL find the strength in yourself to do the hard stuff, knowing that it will be worth it in the end. Many women in the past and in the future will have children, and they have been/will be just fine. Your mothers had children, their grandmothers had children, etc. It's been done many, many times before and many, MANY women have felt scared like this also! You are all normal! Be worry-free! Know that although many women have been scared, they have been just fine.
Heck, I figure the anxiety is worse than the actual pregnancy. (;
I feel that pregnant women are braver than I could be. However, at the same time, I feel SO relieved I am not pregnant when I see a pregnant woman, and sometimes I feel very sad for them, knowing they'll have no me time for another 18-25 years. While I do think of the fetus as parasitic, eventually it turns into a child, a little human...we were all babies once. That part doesn't freak me out too badly. It's not like anyone remembers being in the womb, so I suppose I can see why some of you feel as if it were an alien. I think hormones will eventually kick in, encouraging you to love what's growing inside you. HA that DOES sound crazy, but that's what the hormones are for, to bond you to it... Yeah, it does ruin your body though.
I think the baby bump is cute...until it gets huge at 7 or 8 months...but that's just me.
I also loathe the idea of having to drop my life to raise a child. I feel that the world is already overpopulated (nearly 7 billion now) and it is socially irresponsible to have more than 3 children nowadays. Absolutely irresponsible (and selfish) to add to our population problem.
I would rather adopt a child who needs parents than have one of my "own"...after all, children you bear only look somewhat like you and their father. Anything else has no guarantees.
As for those of you who said "how could I do this for 9 months?!"...if you really want a child, you WILL do it. You WILL find the strength in yourself to do the hard stuff, knowing that it will be worth it in the end. Many women in the past and in the future will have children, and they have been/will be just fine. Your mothers had children, their grandmothers had children, etc. It's been done many, many times before and many, MANY women have felt scared like this also! You are all normal! Be worry-free! Know that although many women have been scared, they have been just fine.
Heck, I figure the anxiety is worse than the actual pregnancy. (;
thank all of you for your post, i thought i was nut,or mentally ill,b/c of my pregnancy fears. when i was 5 my sister was 15 and pregnant,i was so little,but seen her go though so much and not understand anyof it till i was oler. i thought i would get pregnant from sitting on a tiolet seat! at 25 i got pregnant,not an ideal situation and had an abortion. no regrets as i did what was right for me at the time. i went on birth contol for th next 10 years,then stop b/c i smoke and am 35 . thought i meat the guy i wanted to spend the rest of my life w/and let nature take it's couse,within 6 month's i got pregnant and thought "finally i'll be a normal girl having my 1st baby" well, not quite, within 4 weeks,i felt exactly like the rest of you! SHEER PANIC, blood, test, appointments,birth,labor,stretchmarks,sickness,maternity clothes,finances,work,relationship! i don't think we are nuts at all,we are human,and that is too too much for one person to handle EVER. on the 5th week of my pregnancy, i had a medical abortion(by pill) and am now have my tubes cut/tied. how can i misse what i never had? i love my life and it's not broke,why fix it. we are all entitled to the way we feel,that means we are all unique. iam done "wondering what is wrong w./ me" sometime's in life we just need to accept who we are and be the best we can! 8-|
I am touched by your stories and I appreciate your bravery in posting them here. Thank you for sharing your insight with us!
omg i feel like everyone has read my mind! i am absolutely terrified of being pregnant. I am 22 years old and my boyfriend and i have stopped having sex 9 months ago because of my huge fear. Every single month i worry that im pregnant, even though like i said, we have not had sex in 9 months. I freak out if he even touches me anywhere down there because i think some how ill get pregnant. He is totally supportive but i feel really bad for putting him through all my worries. It completely interferes with my every day life, i constantly worry and i can't enjoy anything because i have the "im pregnant" bug nudging the back of my mind. It has even thrown my period of wack with my constant stressing about it, so when my period is late, it doesnt help me stress any less about pregnancy! I think personally i associate having a child as giving away my childhood, as crazy as it sounds at 22, i still feel like a kid. Not in the sense of actually being a CHILD but i still like having fun, goin out with my friends, stayin up late, sleepin all day when i dont have work and im not at all ready to give it up as selfish as it sounds. There are just so many things i want to do before having children. My Boyfriend and I are in a very committed relationship, we both lost our virginity at 21 to each other so STDs are not a factor, but pregancy scares the hell out of me. I always wanted to be a mom but my mind set makes me think i will NEVER get over my fear. I have had OCD my whole life and im sure it also has a lot to do with this but i have no idea how to get over it. I have every intention of getting birth control next month (if my period comes!! i know im crazy im sorry =/ ) so hopefully eventually with that plus a cervical cap, spermicide, the pull put method and avoiding sex anywhere near the time i ovulate (which i still dont know when! i cant figure it out, any advice will be really appreciated!) ill be able to enjoy sex and not worry. But who knows...
I don't understand what is an "irrational" fear of pregnancy and/or childbirth.
It seems to me that a fear of the changes and pain that a woman goes through during pregnancy and childbirth is perfectly rational. What is the difference between an "irrational fear" of those experiences, and simply seeing them for what they are, which is trade-offs for the experience of having a child, that some women simply don't want to make.
I'm sorry elb555 feels shame and embarassment at not wanting a child growing in her body. I feel the same way, but instead of feeling ashamed, I realize that that just means that I don't want to have a child. That's not something that embarasses me or makes me feel like less of a woman - to me, it just feels like the right decision.
I honestly think this "phobia" is utter BS and a way to make women who don't want to have babies feel like they're sick. We're not.
It seems to me that a fear of the changes and pain that a woman goes through during pregnancy and childbirth is perfectly rational. What is the difference between an "irrational fear" of those experiences, and simply seeing them for what they are, which is trade-offs for the experience of having a child, that some women simply don't want to make.
I'm sorry elb555 feels shame and embarassment at not wanting a child growing in her body. I feel the same way, but instead of feeling ashamed, I realize that that just means that I don't want to have a child. That's not something that embarasses me or makes me feel like less of a woman - to me, it just feels like the right decision.
I honestly think this "phobia" is utter BS and a way to make women who don't want to have babies feel like they're sick. We're not.
unlike everyone else here with tocophobia i personally DONT have a fear of being pregnant. it's actually my boyfriend that has this fear. i guess it makes sense since we're both young. BUT we never have had sex and he's super careful, for now we're doing nothing sexual-but he STILL is afraid of me having a baby. it doesn't drive me crazy- i think its sweet for him to worry so much about me- but he drives himself SICK with worry. he counts down the days to my period and spends whole days worrying about it even if we haven't done anything wrong. he's researched about everything there is to know about pregnancy, zygotes, sperm and egg...you name it. if we ever actually do something he makes sure my hands are held high as i wash them and i have to be in front of him every minute to make sure that i cant be accidentally impregnate myself. it doesn't bother me, i'm ok with it, i love him for it even--BUT it IS killing him. i'm really worried about him- no matter what i say he still worries and worries that i'm pregnant. i don't know what to do, all i know is that i'm really worried about him.
I can't believe this actually exists. I, too, always fear that I am pregnant. Every month I think I am. I am on bc but I know people who got pregnant while on it. Gyno visits are traumatizing for me & I fear that having a baby will ruin my body & my life. It's good to know I'm not alone.
I am so glad that I am not the only person who feels like this! I don't think I'm pregnant every month, but I worry about BEING pregnant all the time. I also obsess every day about getting pregnant, going through childbirth, bringing home a baby, my life completely changing....I am a newly-wed and my husband wants kids someday, and I obsess about the day that subject comes up! I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes with the way I worry about it.
I fell upon this discussion because I wanted to see if anyone else was experiencing what I am undergoing: irrational fear of becoming pregnant. Like yourself, I am taking birth control pills (I began taking them in high school to manage my periods). I don't even have sex at all, I am not sexually active, yet I still feel anxiety and experience panic attacks about pregnancy. Guilt, shame, and anxiety take over me. I know it's completely crazy, yet I do not know what to do. It consumes me almost daily, and until today, I felt completely alone; I thought that no one else would understand or know what I was going through. Not that this improves the situation, but it was enlightening to know that I am not alone, and I hope you feel better knowing that you are not alone in this either. It seems like there are several of us out there who have this irrational fear, possible phobia/specific anxiety issue regardless of our sexual activity. I hope we all find out how to rid this irrational fear from our systems so that we may all go back to leading happy productive lives.
My response question is this: can we do this on our own or must we seek psychological help? I am skeptical to go to a psychologist in fear that he/she will not understand. At the same time, I see no way of escaping this in the near future without intervention. If it is ruining your focus and relationships like it is mine, what can and should we do?!
My response question is this: can we do this on our own or must we seek psychological help? I am skeptical to go to a psychologist in fear that he/she will not understand. At the same time, I see no way of escaping this in the near future without intervention. If it is ruining your focus and relationships like it is mine, what can and should we do?!